bath traumatizes niece

[Oh Kay!]

to you, your sister, and niece. I hope you find the solution soon. Meanwhile, I wonder if you can use powder shampoo for your niece's hair?

 

[N&B'smom]

My first thought was abuse too. What a sad situation but so thankful this little girl has a new family.

PLEASE, PLEASE TELL YOUR SISTER NOT TO DO THIS!!! Just with the little info you gave, something has happened to this little girl while being in her mothers care that is causing this reaction.

For years growing up my parents did foster care. Vincent had been with us for about 2 months, when one sunday morning he and my 2 brothers were horsing around while getting ready to go to church. My mom had told them a couple of times to knock it off, stop fooling around, finish eating and get dressed.

They did, but continued horsing around. My dad had came out into the family room where we were all waiting to leave, when for what ever reason, the way his shirt was tucked in bothered him. He reached down to loosen his belt so he could adjust the shirt.

As soon as his hand touched the belt, the most god awful whimper started coming from Vincent. He was deathly pale, eyes wide open, and shaking very badly. Dad took one step forward not thinking that he was causing the issue, when Vincent threw himself at my dads feet, screaming please don't belt me sir. Please don't whip me, sir. Screaming this over and over and over.

It took every thing both my mom and I had to get Vincent unwrapped from my dads feet. Dad left the room and completely took his belt off and left it in the bedroom before he came back into the room we were in. There had been NO NOTIFICATION to my parents that Vincent had been being beaten by someone with a belt.

Needless to say, we did not make it to chruch that day. It took several hours to calm Vincent down and for him to understand that no matter what he did he would not get beat with a belt in our house. He seriously thought that because he and my brothers had been goofing off all morning that they were going to get a beating.

Please have your sister, get professional help. This could very well be a very deep seeding issue.

This made me cry. Oh my gosh, poor baby. Do you know where Vincent is now? Did he stick around or get moved? Just can't help but wonder how he is now, all grown up!

An adopted/abused/institutionalized child should probably be handled differently than a child born into the family.

Definitly do NOT recommend the - force her, and she'll get over it route.
NOT AT ALL.

Your sister might benefit from consulting with adoption specialists, books about adopting a post abuse/institutionalized child, etc...

It sounds like she is doing WONDERFULLY!!!!!!
If the bath is the only big problematic issue... then that is INCREDIBLE!!!
I would want to 'pick my issues'... let her hair be less than clean for as long as it takes to figure this out and work thru it.

A former coworker of mine was a foster mother and had several kids come to her with serious fears surrounding bathing/water, and she swore by taking them to a favorite hairdresser who was very experienced in working with children. For some reason, washing hair in the big salon chair, reclining over the sink, with foster mom always in sight and within reach was less difficult than bathtime at home.

Great idea!!

 

[kirstenb1]

I really think they need more help and advice than we can give. I would call Social Services and ask them to recommend a private practice child psychologist who specializes in children who have been abused. If they can't recommend anyone, I'd pick up the phone book and start calling child psychologists until I found one.

 

[jeepgirl30]

My kids both went through phases where they hated baths. I think that part is normal. I think some of the PPs saying it is normal to fear baths are trying to be helpful.

However, with a child from another home you have no way of knowing what happend. Maybe nothing directly related to a tub but enough she is tramatized by something.

Def talk to a new pedi.

When i first read it i though maybe some type of fun water activitiy outside the bathtub to get her associating water with fun. Maybe parent/child swim class? Or if you can use an indoor pool, my son used to have this little motor boat he could go all over in with his feet submerged but not his body. Just someway to enjoy being in water outside a bath. Or, if the only option is a bath what about making it a beach party and setting up towels and beach toys on the towels and let her have both her and sister in their swimming suits and get in the "pool" (bath) together?

My heart breaks for this little girl. Sounds like she is going to have a few more speed bumps on the way but is fortunate to be in such a loving environment now.

 

[MariDisney]

I am a behavior analyst and this is something that someone in my position could help with. I would definitely look for a counselor with experience with young children who have severe anxiety and trauma. Your pediatrician could point you to the right person.

For a "typical" kid I might say just DO IT as a PP suggested. But, we're not dealing with typical circumstances. This little one has clearly been through some severe trauma dealing with the tub. It might take several months of slowly introducing one piece of the process at a time and getting settled with each one before introducing the next.

As far as the shampoo goes, they make a powdered shampoo that you put in and I think brush out. That might be a temporary solution to that part of the problem.

Good luck!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would seek the advice of the counselor. Does your sister have access to help for this girl?

This is severe anxiety over bathing and will require a multi step process to get her over her fear. Basically until the little girl has the full trust of your sister she is not going to "relax". Time and patience are required here.

I agree with this. She is going to need a carefully constructed plan for desensitization.

Your sister might benefit from consulting with adoption specialists, books about adopting a post abuse/institutionalized child, etc...

Can't agree with this more, especially in light of

affection was foreign to her

in addition to the other issues mentioned.

Attachment

 

[2binak]

Your sister can contact the local United Way to see if they can suggest an organization that specializes in counseling young children. Often the organizations will do the work for free (operating on donations from UW). We have an organization like that here and it's a really wonderful place for kids. to everyone in your family!

Oh and FWIW, I agree that your sister needs to find a new pedi ASAP! One that understands the circumstances of this little girl's life and can help your sister along what is most likely going to be a very long & difficult road.

 

[ChrizJen]

ear plugs

Just put her in the shower when she needs it and lather her up.
My daughter did the same thing around that age. She got over it. I was glad that our neighbors weren't too close, lol.

I made sure the water was just barely warm and used a handheld shower so I could wet her down quickly, put the spray aside and lather her up, and then grab it and quickly rinse her.

OP - PLEASE don't tell your sister about this option. Take the advice of others here....ask her pediatrician.

No!! Absolutely DON'T do this!! This is not a well-adjusted, emotionally stabile child you're dealing with! There's a HUGE difference between the child mentioned above, who just didn't like to take a bath, and the child in question who was (as others have said) SEVERELY traumatized in some way, most likely in an incident involving the bathtub. This is a child who has been so severely neglected that she likely doesn't even know what it feels like to trust a grownup person to meet her needs. The "cry-it-out" method WILL NOT work for a child in this situation...It will just create more trauma in this poor baby's already broken life...

Poor baby. It will be a slow process. We have a 3-yr old who came to us at 21 months, and had a similar situation. It took a long time and a lot of soothing words. The child just needs to be constantly reassured that she's safe now, and that mommy is going to do EVERYTHING she can to keep her safe. She does need to be persistent with it, but gently persistent. She needs to move slowly, use a calming, soothing voice. Eye contact is VERY important. We just repeated the slow, soothing mantra, "I love you and I will keep you safe. No one here will ever hurt you." To this day, she still will look me in the eyes and repeat that back to me (because even after 2 years, she still needs that reassurance), "Mama, you and Mommy (my partner) will always keep me safe?" And I answer, "Always."
Also, I know that in our case, transitions tend to be a big deal for her. Understandably, change does not come easily for her. So every transition, whether it be bedtime, going from play to mealtime, or transitioning to bath time, has to be like a "ritual". We have to ease her slowly from one activity to the next or she will lose it. So we give her a 5 minute warning (obviously, at 3, she doesn't really know what 5 minutes means, but she now has that 5 minutes to prepare herself mentally for the change that's about to take place). We then give her a 1 minute warning, during which we guide her to put her toys away, or turn off the TV, go potty before bed, or go to the bathroom to wash her hands for dinner...

It's all a slow, sometimes gruelling process, but when you make baby steps in progress, it's SO worth it!! It's amazing the kind of change a loving, caring, nurturing environment can do for a child's emotional well being and self confidence!!

Anyway, sorry for the length, but kudos to your sister! Is she going through DCFS, childrens' division in her state with the foster/adoption process? If so, she has MANY resources available to her. That baby NEEDS therapy!! Our 3 yr ld is doing exceptionally well, but she still has therapy for an hour 4 days a week!! And the state pays for all of it. If she's not already, she needs to contact them about the services available. It's very important!

Also, there are many great books out there that deal with these things, but 2 EXCELLENT books that I have and I recommend to ALL foster/adoptive families are:
"Parenting the Hurt Child"
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Families/dp/1576833143
and
"When Love is not Enough"
http://books.google.com/books?id=yF...sult&ct=result&resnum=3&sqi=2&ved=0CD0Q6AEwAg

Good luck to your sister, and please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Christal

ETA...I see that while I was writing my "novel", many more really great responses came in, so I'm sorry if I just reapeated a bunch of stuff...LOL
Oh! And as far as hair washing, we still have to do that in the kitchen sink with the sprayer. She just DOES NOT like having the shower running over her head.

 

[jen0610]

This made me cry. Oh my gosh, poor baby. Do you know where Vincent is now? Did he stick around or get moved? Just can't help but wonder how he is now, all grown up!

Of all the kids we had over the years, the only one we know anything about, is the 15 year old that we had. She had a very unstable home life, bounching in and out of being at home and in the teen housing. This was back in the late 70's and things were ran very differently back then.

She was only going to be with us during the Christmas holidays, but she copied down our phone number and address and stayed in contact with us via both letters and she would call when she was living at home and it was getting bad. She begged and pleaded with my parents to adopt her. Their hands were tied, they would have in a heartbeat, but her mom would not give up her rights and the system wouldn't terminate her rights. The system wouldn't fully place her in our home, but whenever she was in living in the teen home and got weekend passes and during school breaks, she would ask to come stay with us. She was always more than welcome.

All was well for about 2 years of doing this. Until her mom found a letter she was writing to my parents, in which she referred to them as mom and dad. Her mom told the teen home that she no longer had permission to have any contact with us. This was the straw that broke the camels back. She was never the same. She turned to the life that her mom lived.

We were her support. Our family took her to church, sent her to church camp, took her camping, took her to movies, the zoo (she could not remember ever being to the zoo as a child), bowling. Got her a birthday cake and presents. She got Christmas gifts - from my parent and dads side of the family we spent Christmas with. And when we got taken way from her, she lost the one thing that kept her on the right road.

She passed away at the age of 20 from an overdose. She let a note for my parents, thanking them for loving her like a daughter should have been loved.

Sorry, I am sure I made you cry again.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I also suspect some sort of previous trauma around the bath.

I would continue with the sponge baths for now, and there is definitely no-water shampoo. DH used it when he had a cast that couldn't get wet in the shower, and I know his parents used it for his grandmother. Just google, and it will pop up.

I'm sure somewhere in your sister's steps to adopt, there is a social worker involved, so I would ask him/her to see what information can be found on the little girl's background, and just try to help her get over it a little bit at a time.

 

[akcire]

My in-laws had a similar situation with a foster child they received in the Spring years ago. They were very lax about the bathing in the summer, due to the large amount of sprinkler running and swimming time the kids participated in. They got "serious" about bathing once the weather started to get colder--and frankly the kid got stinky.

They ended up taking the kid to some intensive therapy and found out she had been sexually abused. Not saying that is the situation here, but if the kid is specifically afraid of the bathtub (not water) I would think something "bad" happened to her there.

I would definitely try and get some sort of professional help.

 

[sweetdana]

MY DD5 hates baths, but loves putting on her swim suit and goes swimming. I had to start with a little water in the tub, and would play with the water guns, and bath crayons with her. Then.. ohh it is getting cold, lets just warm it up.. ect until she is clean . (In the tub, in a kiddie pool outside, ect.(No abuse,so it is for sure different situation, )but I think putting a bathing suit on would help, as well as barely enough water in to get her wet, like less than an inch and slowly adding more over time. if the tub, is empty, just practising with water guns might be a fun way to start.

Drs, may give better ideas.. agree with others easing her in.. not all at once.

I love the taking her to a hair salon too.. that after reading a fancy nancy book would be fancy and fun.

 

[shortbun]

Will she play in the tub with toys but no water? Perhaps making the tub a friendly environment with no bathing there would be a good start. Maybe even playing a game from outside the tub, sitting next to it and throwing toys in and getting them out or using the tub as a puppet show with the curtain-again, no bath. Is she even comfortable in the bathroom? when does she get scared-when water is introduced? I think it has to be gradual and as loving as possible. Definitely suggest she get a counselor from children's services or private. This child could have some real problems that may surface later and establishing a relationship with a counselor is probably a good idea. Deep love does not cure everything but it sure helps.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Besides getting her the help she seems so desperately to need, what about taking her shopping and let her pick out shampoo, wash cloth, towel, bath toys, even a bathing suit. Let her wear her bathing suit while she's in the tub. And only put in a very small amount of water. I understand she's 3, but what about allowing her to wash herself on her private areas? She might not do the best job, but maybe if she's allowed to do it (only she touches under the bathing suit), she might feel more comfortable?

I'm so sorry this poor baby was treated in such a horrible way, but I'm so glad she's with your sister now who can give her the love and safety she needs. Prayers and hugs for your sister and your new niece!

 

[WL Fan]

I'm glad she's with people who love her so much now, and wish you the best in caring for her.

When my daughter was 3-ish, she had a Polly Pocket set up that was a small pool with a battery powered waterfall. She used to play with it for hours, on the kitchen table with a big towel under the playset to catch the inevitable water that splashed everywhere. She also had a little tub for her American Girl dolls, too. I'm wondering if that wouldn't help some - a little play therapy.

 

[waltsgirl]

I don't know if this has been mentioned or if your sister has tried it but, Maybe put the baby tub in the living room and let the little girl just play with it. She could give baby dolls baths and just be around the tub. I think you mentioned a baby, so I am assuming your sister has a younger child. They could put the baby in the tub in the living room pretend to give the baby a bath.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I wouldn't contact Social Services because if they are not involved in this adoption thing then they will and it could become an even worse mess. They would probably remove her from the home. Not sure if your sister is a licensed foster/adoption home, but if not she will have to be before DSS lets the girl stay.

I would stick with the dr and go from there.

I would try setting up a water table/pool area for your sister and niece to play in. I would suggest at some point they both have dolls to simulate taking a bath and washing. If your niece was abused she might be able to show your sister what happened.

Is it possible she is just afraid to get her face wet? That is what sets most kids off.

 

[ChrizJen]

I wouldn't contact Social Services because if they are not involved in this adoption thing then they will and it could become an even worse mess. They would probably remove her from the home. Not sure if your sister is a licensed foster/adoption home, but if not she will have to be before DSS lets the girl stay.
I would stick with the dr and go from there.

I would try setting up a water table/pool area for your sister and niece to play in. I would suggest at some point they both have dolls to simulate taking a bath and washing. If your niece was abused she might be able to show your sister what happened.

Is it possible she is just afraid to get her face wet? That is what sets most kids off.

You're absolutely right. I've only worked through the foster system, so that was my first gut reaction. But you're right. Unless she's already licensed, she would have to get licensed before she could proceed. It's such a shame, though. She really would have access to virtually unlimited resources. But as you said, she'd likely have a whole new process. She'll likely be able to make things move much more quickly handling it privately.

I like the suggestions to find a new pediatrician though. Any ped who would hear this child's story and not immediately refer her for some sort of therapy isn't doing his/her job. Good luck to your sister, OP!

 

[Magic Mom]

Something might have happened to her or not. Maybe she is just afraid of the water, and her bio mom was never patient or kind about it. My neice hated baths and would scream bloody murder as soon as the mention of a bath came up. She was never hurt in the tub to cause this. But either way, it took patience to change her.

At first they played in the sink fully dressed with floaty toys just with their hands. Then they moved to the bathroom sink for water games. Slowly they moved water play to into the tub without getting in the tub. Then they started playing with the special floaty toys in the tub with their bathing suits on "just in case" they got wet. They only time she got to play with her mermaid dolls and fish toys was in the tub. Eventually the play moved in the tub with a suit on...and then when she was ready they started giving her baths.

In the mean time she got sponge baths. And they washed her hair in the sink with her fully dressed (not actually getting in the sink.)

It only took about a month.

 

[kirstenb1]

You're absolutely right. I've only worked through the foster system, so that was my first gut reaction. But you're right. Unless she's already licensed, she would have to get licensed before she could proceed. It's such a shame, though. She really would have access to virtually unlimited resources. But as you said, she'd likely have a whole new process. She'll likely be able to make things move much more quickly handling it privately.

I like the suggestions to find a new pediatrician though. Any ped who would hear this child's story and not immediately refer her for some sort of therapy isn't doing his/her job. Good luck to your sister, OP!

Oops, I'm the one who suggested asking social services for a recommendation for a psychologist. I assumed (and we knowwhat that gets you!) that in a foster situation, social services would have done the placement, and already known the little girl and her family history.

Anyway, I'd definitely find a child psychologist. This bath issue is one issue, and unfortunately there could be others down the road. I'd just start trying to find a counselor of some type now.