Avoiding sibling's birthday and feeling guilty

[disneysnowflake]

I've posted before about my oldest sister. She's turning 50 today.
She has an alcohol problem. She will then call me on the phone while she's drunk saying terrible things and forgets she says them the following day.

This has put a terrible strain on our relationship. This is the same sister who gave my son a lottery ticket for his birthday, but wanted it back after he won.
When she isn't drinking she's nice. When she is drinking, which is often, she's mean.

Anyway, I got a phone call this morning from my other sister. Today is my sister's 50th birthday. Fine. I sent her a card with a Target gift card inside.
They are going to have a cake for her.
That's fine.
Where is it?

It's AT THE BAR. They are having a surprise party of cake at the bar because they know she'll be there. It's at 7pm.

Sigh. The bar is where she drinks. The drinking is what caused her to become mean and hateful toward me.

I declined the invitiation. I was told I should just forget about "the past" and show up because I'm family.
I'm a forgiving person, but it's my sister who is the one who continues the abusive cycle. I'm just the innocent person sitting at home when she decides to call with filthy language, name calling, etc.

Why in the world would they have a 50th birthday cake at the bar when she has an obvious alcohol problem?

Then I'm called a snob for declining to go. No, I'm not a snob. I care about my sister who is drinking too much. I refuse to participate in a party where the alcohol is because it was the alcohol abuse that caused the riff between my oldest sister and myself. Yet, I'm considered a snob for not participating in a party at the bar.

Sorry to vent. This just really upsets me.

 

[dmslush]

Well, I don't blame you for one bit not going! I'll be honest, none of my immediate family members have a drinking problem, but I would think twice about going to a party for any of them in a bar. Call me a snob, but I am not comfortable around people that are drinking a lot. I have only been in one bar in my life (Tootsie's Bar in Nashville) and that was because some coworkers took me in there. It was smoky, and just plain nasty. I did however get to see an honest to goodness hooker at work LOL!

Don't feel guilty and don't let other family members give you a hard time. There is no reason why you should subject yourself to something that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is also no reason for you to feel pressured into enabling your sister's drinking problem.

 

[Allison]

Believe me, I know where you are coming from.

I used to get those calls from my sister too. They are awful. Stand your ground. I wouldn't step foot in the bar either.

Hang in there.

 

[auntpolly]

Why don't you ask her if you can take her to lunch on another day or something?

I don't think there is anything wrong with a party in a bar -- unless the party is for an alcoholic.

 

[Cindirelli]

Let me just tell u that u r doing the right thing!! I am a Certified Addictions Counselor and deal with alcoholics and drug addicts EVERYDAY....by having a party at a bar, your family is enabling your sister. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE A PART OF IT....DO NOT own any guilt over this. Screen your calls when u think she will be calling, talk to her when u know she is more than likely sober. Just tell your family that u r not going to help her kill herself. ALcohol is a legal drug, however many people do not know that it is one of the most dangerous to detox from...moreso than heroin and cocaine!!! This is a tough battle to see someone fight...be supportive, do not enable!! Good luck..

 

[Alex2kMommy]

What they are doing is called enabling, and they are not doing your sister any favors by having this party in a bar. Perhaps it's much easier for them to do that because THEY aren't the ones receiving nasty drunken phone calls? I don't know, but that would be the absolute last place I would think to take a drunk for a family celebration.

We have an alcohol problem in my family as well, and so we stopped giving any sort of alcohol-related gifts for Christmas, birthday, housewarming, whatever. (It used to be the tradition of the men in the family to give one another some expensive whiskey or other hard liquor.)

Perhaps you can attend Al-Anon? It's for loved ones of alcoholics, and my aunt attended years ago and felt it helped her immensely. I wish you all the best, and don't let the others get to you. They're so wrong, and this situation is sooooo messed up.

 

[Cass]

You need to record her abusive calls and play them back to her when she's sober. That is one lame excuse that she doesn't remember the next day so it doesn't matter. She should take responsibility for her words and actions and stop playing the victim.

I just have no time for people like that. She's not your sister anymore - she has become someone else

Also, call display and don't pick up and subject yourself to the abuse.

 

[Dory's Twin]

Our family has alcohol problems and you need to stand your ground, stay away...it will only cause you more hurt to be involved.

Last week I asked my sister to quit contacting me, that I needed my space. My mom tried to intervene and I still held my ground...it's REALLY difficult but you must do it! My sis ter now refers to it as "our no-contact agreement"....not really, but if it gets the job done...ok! She did try to come over to give me some of her old clothes, but I didn't answer the door! (yeah, I hid) lol

Stay strong, do not go down with her!

 

[miss missy]

OMG!! Are you my long lost sis? The one I just KNEW was out there??? LOL I too had the SAME scene last week! A party for my sis who is home for a visit (who gets thrown partys on visits home???- spoiled ones only lol) Guess where it was... AT A BAR! I didn't go. I am a snob! Sorry but most of my sibs are have drinking or drug problems, hang at bars and I am not going to be around it. I have a family here and did they think about my DD 13 who can't go? Or me and DH who don't do bars? Or my 21 yr old I DONT want at bars? NOPE. Oh well, they know where to find me if they want to visit.

Yep, hi sis disneysnowflake wanna do coffee soon lol?

 

[Mermaid02]

I think you're the only member of your family who hasn't lost their mind. Stand your ground.

 

[Disney Doll]

Alcoholism is such a terrible strain in a family, and manipulative people will always try and manipulate.

You are doing the right thing. Do not enable, do not participate. You will have all the family ragging on you...come up with a response, and repeat it continually. Perhaps something like "Susan has a drinking problem and I won't be part of anything that adds to it. She is welcome anytime at my home when she is sober, and willing to be respectful and not nasty". Keep repeating it, verbatim, to anyone who in any way tries to discuss your sister's and your relationship. Don't engage any further than that, repeat it till you're sick of saying it and they're sick of hearing it.

Believe me when I tell you, I have cared for a million alcoholics and their equally dysfunctional, enabling family members over the years...this tactic works as long as you stay calm and keep repeating the same thing, and do not engage any further other than repeating the same thing. I have had alcoholics & their families screaming at me that the patient was going to die if I didn't give them their meds early, and my stock response is always "I know you are uncomfortable and I am sorry that your drinking has made you feel this way, but your medication is due at 12 noon and I will be in with it then". It's called limit-setting and it works. You cannot control others' behavior, but you can control yours.

Hugs to you ...alcoholic family members add a whole dimension to life, and it's not a good one.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

You are totally doing the right thing! I wanted to add that you are not obligated to take your sister's abuse at any time. I second the idea of checking the caller ID before picking up the phone. Don't feel obligated to let her be nasty/obscene/abusive towards you. That's not OK. Alcoholism and enabling are both dysfunctional behaviors. Kudos to you for not supporting either behavior!

 

[Poohnatic]

Been there, too. I no longer have a relationship with two of my siblings because their drinking results in hurtful behavior directed at me.

You are doing the right thing, even if the rest of the family doesn't think so.

Suzanne

 

[disneysnowflake]

Thanks for the support.
The party started at 7pm. I'm sitting here in my pajamas.
I just can't understand why they'd have a party for her at the bar she's at every single day.
I was told this afternoon that my distancing myself from my siblings will come back to get me in the future. My husband will die. My kids will grow up and move away. Then I'll be stuck in my house like a hermit with no one.
I hope my sister has a nice birthday anyway.

 

[Allison]

OMG!! Are you my long lost sis? The one I just KNEW was out there??? LOL I too had the SAME scene last week! A party for my sis who is home for a visit (who gets thrown partys on visits home???- spoiled ones only lol) Guess where it was... AT A BAR! I didn't go. I am a snob! Sorry but most of my sibs are have drinking or drug problems, hang at bars and I am not going to be around it. I have a family here and did they think about my DD 13 who can't go? Or me and DH who don't do bars? Or my 21 yr old I DONT want at bars? NOPE. Oh well, they know where to find me if they want to visit.

Yep, hi sis disneysnowflake wanna do coffee soon lol?

Can I be the other long lost sister? I have two sisters to deal with-one is an alcoholic and the other has severe OCD that she won't get help for. As much as I love them, they break my heart.

OP-you are absolutely doing the right thing.

 

[miss missy]

Thanks for the support.
The party started at 7pm. I'm sitting here in my pajamas.
I just can't understand why they'd have a party for her at the bar she's at every single day.
I was told this afternoon that my distancing myself from my siblings will come back to get me in the future. My husband will die. My kids will grow up and move away. Then I'll be stuck in my house like a hermit with no one.
I hope my sister has a nice birthday anyway.

Thats why, unfortunately.

 

[miss missy]

Can I be the other long lost sister? I have two sisters to deal with-one is an alcoholic and the other has severe OCD that she won't get help for. As much as I love them, they break my heart.

OP-you are absolutely doing the right thing.

You sure can!! sis! It a little different for me because no one talks about it. Like its all normal. I can't take it so I just stay away. I used to get all caught up in worry for them, but then I hit 40 and woke up LOL!