Autism question. Am I overreacting?

[Abby Wednesday]

My son is 3 1/2 and was diagnosed with autism last November. He is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum and is very talkative. His delays are in the social and pragmatic speech arenas. He can look fairly normal but people usually pick up the fact that he is a little different.

We were at Chick-fil-A, and he loves going to play at the indoor play area there. He was very enthusiastically playing and there was one little girl there, 3ish at a guess. Two older kids come in, a 5ish year old boy and his sister who looked 7 or 8. Something he will do when he wants to play with a kid is sort of follow them around, which is what he did with these two kids. I know that can be annoying, and he can't tell when he's not wanted. OTOH, he wasn't doing anything other than following them and this is a small space. So these kids proceed to yell at him to stop following them and I try to diffuse the situation by redirecting him. Works for a minute but then he's back to following them. They start doing this nasty little dance of making a point of hiding from him and whispering about him and when he's doing something else they would quickly climb up the slide or the jungle gym area. Basically going out of their way to be mean, from where I was sitting, and if he started to follow again they would tell him to go away. I decided to just leave since we had to go soon anyway. Before I left I told the older girl that my son was little and has a disability and did not understand what they were trying to tell him. I also told her that there was no good reason to act mean toward any little kid in this situation. Very calmly and gently. She obviously didn't care and went on playing.

I didn't say anything to the parents, but after I left I became very upset. I'm so worried that this is going to be life for him. I'm not sure if I was just reading too much into the situation because I know my son's diagnosis, and these were kids being kids, or if I should have said something to the parents, who weren't in the room. Plus I have to take into account that my son was being annoying to them, albeit unwittingly. My husband said to let it go, that there are jerks everywhere and this is not the first or last time a kid will be mean to him.

What would you have done? How would you have felt if you were the parent to those older kids?

 

[livndisney]

My son is 3 1/2 and was diagnosed with autism last November. He is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum and is very talkative. His delays are in the social and pragmatic speech arenas. He can look fairly normal but people usually pick up the fact that he is a little different.

We were at Chick-fil-A, and he loves going to play at the indoor play area there. He was very enthusiastically playing and there was one little girl there, 3ish at a guess. Two older kids come in, a 5ish year old boy and his sister who looked 7 or 8. Something he will do when he wants to play with a kid is sort of follow them around, which is what he did with these two kids. I know that can be annoying, and he can't tell when he's not wanted. OTOH, he wasn't doing anything other than following them and this is a small space. So these kids proceed to yell at him to stop following them and I try to diffuse the situation by redirecting him. Works for a minute but then he's back to following them. They start doing this nasty little dance of making a point of hiding from him and whispering about him and when he's doing something else they would quickly climb up the slide or the jungle gym area. Basically going out of their way to be mean, from where I was sitting, and if he started to follow again they would tell him to go away. I decided to just leave since we had to go soon anyway. Before I left I told the older girl that my son was little and has a disability and did not understand what they were trying to tell him. I also told her that there was no good reason to act mean toward any little kid in this situation. Very calmly and gently. She obviously didn't care and went on playing.

I didn't say anything to the parents, but after I left I became very upset. I'm so worried that this is going to be life for him. I'm not sure if I was just reading too much into the situation because I know my son's diagnosis, and these were kids being kids, or if I should have said something to the parents, who weren't in the room. Plus I have to take into account that my son was being annoying to them, albeit unwittingly. My husband said to let it go, that there are jerks everywhere and this is not the first or last time a kid will be mean to him.

What would you have done? How would you have felt if you were the parent to those older kids?

First of all , I know it hurts when someone hurts our kids.

Personally I would not have spoken to girl to correct her as I was leaving. It is very possible she did not know your son has a disability. They may have thought he was just an annoying little kid-which you admit he was.

If you thought the children's behavior was rude, you could have spoken with the parents and explained about your son. The parents may have used the experience as a lesson (or not). But it should be up to the parent to correct or redirect the behavior.

I know in an effort to teach my dd to "handle" things by using her words, I am teaching her that if someone is bothering her or making her uncomfortable she can tell them to "go away". One of her "things" is people following her. I don't agree that making fun of anyone is ok, but I can see where my DD may have told your son to "go away" (she would have said please though LOL).

As far as how I would have felt as the parent of the other children? I would have spoken with them and asked their side. I would have explained how your son was not aware he was bothering them and that he only wanted to play.

I am sorry your feelings were hurt. I do understand how hard it is when our children are not accepted. I know it is hard, but one thing I had to learn is to "let it go". I can't change the world (although I still try), I can't make everyone "be nice". I can't even protect my baby from everything (does not stop me from trying).

 

[AverageDiser]

My dd has Asperger's and also doesn't always pick up social cues. I think you did the right thing speaking to the little girl, I'm sure the fact that he has a disability never even crossed her radar, but next time maybe it will. While I agree we can't change the world, we can change how (some) people think one person at a time. The only thing I may have done differently would be to talk to her in front of her parents, so it was something they could reinforce if they wished.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I know it's hard to see your child left out or made fun of. Unfortunately, it's going to happen. My 16-year old son w/Asperger's was diagnosed at 3. It took me a while, but I've learned to deal with it.

The best thing I can do in any situation is guide my son through it and try to make it a learning experience for him. We don't always talk about things when they're happening, but we might discuss it later. He's my main focus and my job is to help him as much as I can. Sometimes that means stepping in and sometimes it means letting him handle things on his own. How you and he handle these situations will change a lot as he gets older, more aware and improves his verbal skills.

I've also learned not to feel the need to explain anything about my son to other people. If he has an outburst in public, my time and attention are better spent helping him to calm down, not trying to explain things to other people. If kids or adults are concerned and sincere in asking what's wrong, I will happily explain it to them. It's always nice to help educate other people, but only if they're open to it. You're not likely to see the kids from the restaurant again. Personally, I wouldn't have said anything to them. I would feel like my time and energy were better spent talking to kids and parents who would have regular contact with my son, like classmates or kids and parents in his playgroup or Gymboree group. These people will be a part of his everyday experiences. They should be aware of your son's differences and will most likely welcome the information from you so they'll know how to better interact with him.

My advice about random people who are less than tolerant of your child is to blow them off. Take him out of the situation and forget about them. When he's older and more verbal you can guide him through these situations. Right now, it's not worth your time or his. I always say that my son has done two major things for me. He led me to a whole new career (I started working in special ed. 10 years ago because of him) and he helped me to grow a backbone. He doesn't usually worry too much about what other people say about him. I've learned not to let it bother me either!

 

[Singledad]

I have two thoughts on this, one is that this is the first step kids take to becoming a bully. picking on a kid while the kid is unaware of it like this is just a stepping stone to making fun of them to their face. I am glad you mentioned something, as I've learned that if the ones doing this are aware that adults noticed and disprove, they are less likely to do such the next time.

The other thought is, I always, and I mean always, try to teach my child. let me try to explain what I mean. I do not simply redirect my child. She is old enough to have that logic sense to her, so I try to teach her to apply it to situations like these. So, I would have pulled her aside and asked her if she asked to play with those children. if she said no, I would tell her she should ask before just trying to follow along. if she said yes, I would ask her what they said (even though I know they said to go away), I would then try to explain that not everyone wants to play at any given time, and even if they do want to play, they may not want to play with you, and they have that right to say no. Just like she has the right to say no. I usually get a few why's I can't quite explain very well, like why people don't want to play with her. (although I remind her sometimes she doesn't want to play with suchandsuch all the time, well, they just don't feel like it right now.)

I have found she works well if I give her logical reasons why she should stop following them/asking them the same question.

As for if you overreacted. Nope. This upsets me when I see it happening, even if my child is not the one it is happening to. As I said, it is the beginnings of learning how to be a bully. If we as adults can teach our children how to handle things like this as a kid, the more likely they will be able to resist the urge to join in the group bullying of that 'weird kid' in class.

 

[Abby Wednesday]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. It helps put it into perspective for me. I feel much better

 

[kirstenb1]

I know it's hard to see your child left out or made fun of. Unfortunately, it's going to happen. My 16-year old son w/Asperger's was diagnosed at 3. It took me a while, but I've learned to deal with it.

The best thing I can do in any situation is guide my son through it and try to make it a learning experience for him. We don't always talk about things when they're happening, but we might discuss it later. He's my main focus and my job is to help him as much as I can. Sometimes that means stepping in and sometimes it means letting him handle things on his own. How you and he handle these situations will change a lot as he gets older, more aware and improves his verbal skills.

I've also learned not to feel the need to explain anything about my son to other people. If he has an outburst in public, my time and attention are better spent helping him to calm down, not trying to explain things to other people. If kids or adults are concerned and sincere in asking what's wrong, I will happily explain it to them. It's always nice to help educate other people, but only if they're open to it. You're not likely to see the kids from the restaurant again. Personally, I wouldn't have said anything to them. I would feel like my time and energy were better spent talking to kids and parents who would have regular contact with my son, like classmates or kids and parents in his playgroup or Gymboree group. These people will be a part of his everyday experiences. They should be aware of your son's differences and will most likely welcome the information from you so they'll know how to better interact with him.

My advice about random people who are less than tolerant of your child is to blow them off. Take him out of the situation and forget about them. When he's older and more verbal you can guide him through these situations. Right now, it's not worth your time or his. I always say that my son has done two major things for me. He led me to a whole new career (I started working in special ed. 10 years ago because of him) and he helped me to grow a backbone. He doesn't usually worry too much about what other people say about him. I've learned not to let it bother me either!

This would be my exact advice. I really try not to correct other children unless it's a safety issue. Unfortunately, our kids will encounter the occasional jerk. OTOH, if this were a child at church or school, where my child would continue seeing them, I might say something to the parents.

 

[NotUrsula]

You said that you are afraid that this is his future -- the truth is that in many cases it will be, until he grows up enough to learn to fake NT behaviour much better than he can at age 3.

THE most important thing for a parent of a young Aspie to understand when these things happen is that if it does NOT bother the child, then it is not worth getting ruffled over unless the person is someone that he will be encountering often. The ability to be hurt by such things actually comes along much later than the ability to fake for most Aspies; the odds are that by the time he gains enough understanding of what has happened to be bothered by it, he will be old enough to have developed coping mechanisms to help him deal with it as well. ASPIES tend to be oblivious to being disliked when they are little -- sometimes even if they are told so in just so many words.

As to there being no good reason to be mean to a little kid, most kids that age wouldn't agree: the ability to tease and get away with it means that you have power, and feeling empowered is a VERY heady thing for the average 7 yo. girl. Most of them love that feeling, and would consider that a very good reason for doing it in a situation where they don't believe that any adult who might see it has the authority to punish them for it.

 

[Piper]

How were the children "being mean?" Was it by trying to get away from him? By telling him to go away? By trying to "do their own thing" and play with each other?

Most children do not tend to want to play with a younger child they do not know. It isn't their fault they didn't know he is an aspie. I'm sorry, but everyone does not have to do what your son wants them to do. They have the right to avoid him if they wish.

People who have seen my posts before know that I strongly support the right of children to be included in school and actively had what my principal described as "the most accepting and nurturing atmosphere in a classroom that she had ever experienced."

With that being said...I would have gently engaged my child in an activity with me. Or maybe even have asked the children if my child could play with them.....and then respected it if they said no. The secret of my classroom was respecting EVERY child. Young children (and a 7 & 5 year old are in the concrete stage of development) don't analyse why another person is acting a certain way.

It is difficult to see things from other's perspectives when we are focused on our own child's needs.....I know because I have been there.

 

[ireland_nicole]

gosh, this is a hard situation. As the mom of an ASD kiddo myself, I understand how much it hurts when our kids aren't welcomed by others. Honestly, I don't think the other kids did anything wrong; from a kids perspective, they did everything they could to avoid a situation that was very uncomfortable for them.

Like a pp said, some of what I've had to learn is that even though a lot of things hurt me, they don't effect her. She just started middle school yesterday and I am terrified; I want to cry when I think about the fact that she hasn't had a "friend" by my definition, I hurt when other kids are "mean" to her because they don't understand her differences. But the thing is, she's happy. I am learning not to project my feelings onto her experiences. It's soooo hard. But I'm learning to see the world through her eyes a little.

I also speak very frankly and concretely to her about what is socially appropriate and what isn't. We do social stories and she has been working with different therapists a long time. She's doing really well. She's interacting a lot better. She's always going to be different. She's always going to be quirky, and exactly who she's created to be.