Attraction and love....

[luvmylittleboy2003]

Can you love without attraction??? You have a wonderful life, everything you ever hoped for - then one day you wake up and realize your not attracted to the one person who is your 'everything', but, you still feel like you love them!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Yes... I think so, but its more love of family, contentment....
With my ex dh, I stopped being attracted to him, but, now, love him like a brother. Sounds twisted I know, but we were teens when we met. We grew up together, yet grew apart....

My comparison may be off track of what you are asking...but my take is yes. But, for a truly happy marriage, I think you need both, IMO

 

[Rora]

But, for a truly happy marriage, I think you need both, IMO

I think yes as well but really agree with this statement.

 

[Scornelius]

I vote yes.

 

[PinkRhombus]

I think my husband is very good looking, but so much of him that is attractive is his attitude about everything in his life. How hard he works, how much he cares about what he does, seeing him enjoy interacting with our children, friends, family, church...there are many layers to it all.

So I can totally see where if you guys are in a rut in your everyday lives that your views of things can change. If you want to improve this, maybe try some activities that are out of your element (I'm not talking sex).

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I think my husband is very good looking, but so much of him that is attractive is his attitude about everything in his life. How hard he works, how much he cares about what he does, seeing him enjoy interacting with our children, friends, family, church...there are many layers to it all.

So I can totally see where if you guys are in a rut in your everyday lives that your views of things can change. If you want to improve this, maybe try some activities that are out of your element (I'm not talking sex).

I absolutely 100% agree... attitude is what makes someone MOST attractive. Being appreciative of their contributions is important, but I also think a good physical relationship makes a well-rounded relationship. I think it's hard to have the whole package if you only have the love/admiration aspect, and not the physical attraction.

Hmm...dont' know if I went away from the OP there...lol. But, isnt' there a song that says "Sometimes love just ain't enough".... ?

 

[suejai]

Don't forget that every marriage (relationship) goes through different phases. I think it moves like a wave, sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down. Living in close quarters with someone, doing all the mundane things, raising children can take its toll on the attraction side of the relationship. Give it some time, it will swing back. Maybe you need to take a mini break with your SO to rekindle some spark.

How long have you been together? When was the last time you spent time alone with each other?

 

[sunlver]

Good question.. I posted a similiar question on a different board.

I am going to sound horrible. My husband is not ugly in any sense of the word. Even when we met, I never thought he was truley attractive. I fell in love with his personality. I know it sounds so cliche...he was the first guy I had ever truley fallen in love with. Now..let me state.. I am no beauty.. I am overweight and frumpy on most days. We do have problems in our marriage, they have gotten better in time. Even in the bests times of our marriage, I wasnt truley attracted towards him. I know I feel like a horrible person just saying that. BUT...he had the biggest heart I had ever known, he would go to the ends of the earth for me and the kids

Over the years I have met some very attractive guys who were "ugly"..You know..they had the worse attitudes Ive ever seen. Even the best looking people become ugly expecially when they act ugly.

 

[LUCiD]

I'm not one for romance but, if by attraction you mean liking the way he looks, than that isn't what love is about. It's about having similar interests and personalities. You know, compadibility. Since you still love him for who he is rather than his outward appearance, than everythings all good. After all, if you just marry someone for appearance, than you were never really in love with them in the first place, but in lust. Anyways, you should try to talk to your husband about it and see what you two can do to get over this obstacle, trust me, it happens to everyone at least once, so you're not alone.


~peace

 

[Camicar]

I recently had an epiphany and realized that when I am feeling that way about my dh, it's because I am not 'getting' what first attracted me to him -- a key component of which is his sense of humor. I have realized that humor is a necessary AND sufficient condition for me in terms of being attracted to someone and when my dh went thru a depressed period, although he was doing all the other 'right' things, I just could not feel those kind of feelings for him. When he got out of that funk, well... let's put it this way, so did I.

 

[minkydog]

Don't forget that every marriage (relationship) goes through different phases. I think it moves like a wave, sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down. Living in close quarters with someone, doing all the mundane things, raising children can take its toll on the attraction side of the relationship. Give it some time, it will swing back. Maybe you need to take a mini break with your SO to rekindle some spark.

How long have you been together? When was the last time you spent time alone with each other?

good points. I agree with everying. We've been married 28+ years and our feelings have definitely waxed and waned. It's hard to feel in love when you're late on the car payment, the credit cards are too high, your job is a PITA, the teenager is in trouble at school--again, and the dog needs surgery. And you still have to go to work everyday, feed everyone, trot the kids off to various extra-curriculars, and try to keep the spouse happy. There's only so much energy to go around.

Something DH & I do about once a week is we go out together while the kids are in school. Sometimes we go up to the lake and walk the trails for an hour. Sometimes we run up to the mountains and buy apples or eat BBQ. Or we'll go to a free blue-grass gathering. Anything to do something not kid-related. We still kids at home, 23, 16, & 14. The youngest is very handicapped. If we don't get some little times away from home, things start to degenerate, I become depressed & irritable, and it all goes downhill from there.

Time together is essential, especially when that "in love" feeling is gone. It's the commitment and the history that keeps us together during the "desert" times. We know that eventually our "desert" will bloom with love again.

 

[vettechick99]

Been there, and it doesn't last.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Been there, and it doesn't last.

the attraction doesn't last? or the relationship?

I think both are viable possibilities....

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

Been there, and it doesn't last.

Also wondering which one???

Thanks everyone for your input...its a tough place to be in and I hate being soooooo confused

 

[rie'smom]

It takes more than looks to maintain a marriage or relationship. Looks, no matter how stunning or beautiful, will fade to an extent. The personality and good qualities a person has stays with them. The deep bond that forms between 2 people who love each other is what allows them to see past the imperfections that develop with time. My husband and I have been together 30 years. He tells me all the time that I'm beautiful. I have a few wrinkles now and at 51 my body is not as toned as it once was but he sees past that to the woman and partner that I've become to him because of our bond.

 

[minkydog]

It takes more than looks to maintain a marriage or relationship. Looks, no matter how stunning or beautiful, will fade to an extent. The personality and good qualities a person has stays with them. The deep bond that forms between 2 people who love each other is what allows them to see past the imperfections that develop with time.

You are so right. And I'll take it a step further. When one or the other of you experiences a serious illness or accident and is changed physically or mentally forever that long-term commitment is what carries you through days and weeks and months of difficulty. MyDH became disabled at 47 with lung disease 6 years ago and can no longer work. He was in the prime of his life. Now he struggles to breathe just bringing the laundry up from the basement. His hair is thinning, his muscles are wasting, his thinking is muddied due to medication. He wears oxygen at night(mmm, sexy...NOT.) We're still relatively young and yet we have to face the havoc illness has wreaked on our lives. You'd think after 6 years we'd be used to it, and to some degree we are. But sometimes disability just reaches out and slaps us in the mouth and we're forced to face it all over again. Commitment, respect, and deep long-term love gives us both the comfort and staying power to stick it out no matter what.

I'll take a kind, respectful, funny man with thinning hair and a nasty wheezing cough over a hunky but insensitive stud any day.

 

[rie'smom]

You are so right. And I'll take it a step further. When one or the other of you experiences a serious illness or accident and is changed physically or mentally forever that long-term commitment is what carries you through days and weeks and months of difficulty. MyDH became disabled at 47 with lung disease 6 years ago and can no longer work. He was in the prime of his life. Now he struggles to breathe just bringing the laundry up from the basement. His hair is thinning, his muscles are wasting, his thinking is muddied due to medication. He wears oxygen at night(mmm, sexy...NOT.) We're still relatively young and yet we have to face the havoc illness has wreaked on our lives. You'd think after 6 years we'd be used to it, and to some degree we are. But sometimes disability just reaches out and slaps us in the mouth and we're forced to face it all over again. Commitment, respect, and deep long-term love gives us both the comfort and staying power to stick it out no matter what.

I'll take a kind, respectful, funny man with thinning hair and a nasty wheezing cough over a hunky but insensitive stud any day.