At what age do you discuss...

[shep]

death with your kids....

 

[aprincessmom]

I had to when DD was 3. Her grandmother, great-grandmother and an aunt all died that year.

It's a hard concept to explain but I think it's harder from the parent perspective in that you don't know how much or how little information you need to give them to understand. Too much and they get scared, too little and they are confused and scared.

If you'd like you can pm me and I can share with you some of the things I told DD that seemed to help her understand what happened and consoled her.

 

[browneyes]

My SO's mom died when my dd was 21 months old. We kinda had to talk about it then. I know she was very young, but she does remember her Granny Lora (we were talking about her last night, as a matter of fact-I asked her what she remembered about her. She surprised me with her accurate answer-that child has a great memory). It was so hard to explain to her why she couldn't go visit her anymore.

My ds gets confused about death. He says he wants to go where his Granny Lora died, but he means where she's buried. The cemetery is only about 3 miles from our house.

I was 7 yo the first time I remember knowing anything about death. One of my mom's cousins' dd's died in a car wreck. The little girl was 3-4 years older than me. I had just played with her days before the accident. The adults at the funeral home were awful. They spoke graphically about what the people at the funeral home did to prepare her for the viewing. It wasn't a pretty decription.

Who died?

 

[grinningghost]

It's really depends on the child. Some kids are naturally inquisitive and will ask about it on their own, others don't even think about it. Of course if a death of someone close to the child occurs, it's obvious it needs discussing. My DD's first funeral experience came when she was 10. It was my grandmother. She truly hated the whole thing. (So did I, but I tried not to sway her thinking on the subject). She vowed to never go to another funeral home and look at a dead body in a casket again. I almost felt like a bad mom for taking her there.

 

[Pam]

Shep,
I guess it really boils down to each individual child and the circumstance.......

Unfortunately our family experienced a ton of deaths when our children were smaller (and a rash of pet deaths as well). Our children asked us to explain what was going on and we did.

I guess you could go with how your child is reacting and how much they question the events and decide what information and how much you will answer them.

Does that make sense?
I'm sorry if you have to broach this subject with your children.
Pam

 

[shep]

Originally posted by browneyes


Who died?

Nobody, just something that I was thinking aout...

 

[browneyes]

I'm glad no one died. Be prepared for a lot of tough questions when you talk to your dd's about this.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Death is a subject we've never avoided with DS, because it's inevitable. Western society has taught everyone that death is a bad thing, when in reality it's just the way of it.

Anyway, the first time we truly addressed it was when his grandma died when he was 3. He's experienced several deaths since then (unfortunately) and seemed to handle them pretty well.

 

[EROS]

When our little guy was Age 3, we lost our Yellow Lab to a lymphoma. He was devastated and had a number of questions about death. He knew that my DW had lost her parents when she was younger but never connected them with death. As I recall, we bought a beautiful childrens' book written by Maria Shriver which was written in honor of Rose Kennedy.

 

[imgoingtodisney]

I had to talk to DS(now 10) when he was 2 about death. That was the year he lost his grandfather (my dad)
2 yrs later we had to discuss it again - that was the year FIL died

 

[Marla Hellwig]

I had to deal with this when Kara was 2 1/2 when my husband died - at first dealt with it as daddy broke and the doctors couldn't fix him - at the time she understood broke and not fixing something - as she has gotten older - explained it was his heart -she understands more why it happened - she just didn't understand why he had to die - he had a heart condition no one knew of - also why he had to die just two days before Christmas.

 

[torismom]

My daughter turned 4 in May and I started explaining it to her then. My father is dying and after his surgery next week he will have a max of 180 days raised from a max of 90 days. He has primary brain cancer. When his looks, memory,personality and actions started changing I had to start explaining. It is hard to deal with but being her age she has a good understanding. Sheis been so sweet to me when I have borken down in front of her ( I try not to)

Whatever situation you are dealing with, My heart goes out to your family.

 

[peg2001]

Like all "big" topics, death should be discussed at every age, at a level that they can understand. My mother and infant neice died before my first DD was born but we speak of them occasionally, discuss what they were like, why they are no longer living, and visit the gravesites. The infant is buried in a special section of the cemetary and it made a real impact on DD to see all the tiny markers and realize that they were all babies that had died.

DD has also had to deal with the death of one of our dogs and a few fish. Fortunately, we had time before the dogs death to discuss it with her and she asked for pictures to be taken with the dog before we had her (the dog!) put to sleep.

Don't try to avoid the topic of death until you have no choice (the death of someone your child knows). It is easier to start simple and build up the understanding slowly. I feel this way about other big topics too, like religions/beliefs and sex.

Peggy

 

[candykisses]

I never really had to have a talk with my boys. My Grandmother did most of that for me. She'd talk to the boys about those who had already passed, like my father. She would tell them stories about him and they would ask her questions like "Would he have liked me? Weren't you mad when he was killed? Weren't you sad? Will you die?" She answerwed all their questions, sometimes with a tear in her eye.

She talked about the pain when you loose someone , but the joy in knowing that when we pass, everyone who had gone before us will be waiting.

She told Brad once that even though she loved him more than a cat loves sweet cream, she would have to die. She told him to close his eyes and asked him if she was there. He said yes. She asked how he knew, he said because I hear you. She told him to go into the next room and was asked if she were still there. He said yes. She explained that when she was gone, she would still be there even if he couldn't see or hear her. She would continue in his heart.

She's gone now and we miss her, but she's really not that far away.

 

[KimRaye]

candykisses, that's beautiful.

Todd, you'll know when the time comes. Kelly has asked/brought up my Aunt dying (back in May) several times, since she considers my 16yo cousin to be her own cousin and, that 'Erin's' Mommy died. It's sadder for me actually. But, I believe that your DD's have the same religious background as my Kelly to actually be ok with this. My DD seems to be.

Again, candykisses, I can't help but say again how beautiful your Grandmother's explanation is.

 

[WillyJ]

Shep, I think it's one of those things where you just have to use your instincts and deal with it the best way you can when you have too. You and your wife strike me as very kind, competent, and compassionate people. . . I'm sure you'll know what to say and what not to say when you are faced with the situation. . .

I also want to say how wonderful I think everyone's replies have been here so far. . .