At what age did you leave your kids alone overnight?

[ruadisneyfan2]

We are considering an "escape from winter" weekend getaway with friends in early spring, a Friday morning til Monday afternoon. At that time our boys will be 17.25 and 13.75. They will have off from school that Friday and my parents live around 2.5 miles away if an adult is needed and to make sure they get off to school Monday.

They're not super-outgoing with lots of friends and I don't worry that they'll throw a party but mostly worry about things like a cooking fire, doors left open or unlocked, etc. When it's cold, they tend to hibernate indoors anyway.

The last time we went away without them, they were 10 & 13 and stayed with my parents. Since my grandmother lives with them and has the guest bedroom, the kids had to sleep on the sofa which there are 2. I got them each a new toy (small game & Lego) and a gift card to a movie theater that my dad could take them to nearby. At the end they said they just wanted to be home since there's so much more to do there.

Dh doesn't want to go unless the kids stay with my parents, at their house. I think it's a bit silly that ds17 would have his driver's license and can be on the road alone but not at home alone. I'm thinking it would be easier on my parents (and the kids would be much more content) if my parents came over a couple times a day to check on things. They do stay home alone during the day all summer while we're at work for around 2 years now and no issues with that other than sleeping in late. Dh & I both acknowledge when we were this age, our parents would have left us alone but we were much more independent at that age.

Really, I would love if the kids would just come with us. I'm not looking to get away from them. We have traveled often, almost every school break, and they just want time off school at home. I was able to get off the week of their Easter break and asked where'd they want to go and they chose just staying home.

My job is very stressful and I hate winter so a warm getaway does wonders for me. This started out as a girls only getaway but her dh would like to make it a couples trip. I love the idea but worry .

btw, it's a cruise so we would have cell phone contact but not a quick drive home if needed but my parents are a 5-10 min drive.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Once the oldest can drive, I'd say we'll be ready. So, 16 & 11 for us. I don't like the idea of them being alone with no transportation. So, that's where I'd draw the line.

 

[MSSANDRA]

We left DS alone for a few nights when he was in 8th grade. I was in the hospital and my parents were next door but he was fine. By the next year we did a short weekend away and he was home alone and DS now 7 stayed with family. Now he is 21 and perfectly capable of caring for DS7 for a few days. As long as the youngest realizes the older on is in charge and will listen to him, and grandparents are on stand by, they should be fine. Can you text often from the ship, or will that be terribly expensive?

Remember he is about a year away from college

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

We left DS alone for a few nights when he was in 8th grade. I was in the hospital and my parents were next door but he was fine. By the next year we did a short weekend away and he was home alone and DS now 7 stayed with family. Now he is 21 and perfectly capable of caring for DS7 for a few days. As long as the youngest realizes the older on is in charge and will listen to him, and grandparents are on stand by, they should be fine. Can you text often from the ship, or will that be terribly expensive?

Remember he is about a year away from college

Texting is more expensive but still not crazy high. If we ran up another $40 in texting/cell phone bills it would be worth the peace of mind.

I don't worry about my older ds. He's a home-body and a rule-follower, sometimes to the point of splitting hairs. I worry more that he's on his computer in his room and oblivious to what ds13 is doing. My younger one is more fearless, free-spirited.

 

[bumbershoot]

Well, I was in college across the country from my mom when I was 17, but...she never EVER left us alone overnight at the house when I was still at home. And she was pretty liberal with us; I had no curfew when out on dates or at my prom, etc (I did have curfew with my friends...she knew me and she knew my friends well, to have those seemingly opposite rules...my dates were scared of her, my friends weren't, and it was my friends that were up to no good!). I was in charge of self, home, and little brother starting at around 9 after school. But there were no overnights and no vacations with us home alone.

Of course, in MY area there were plenty of other kids left like that. And they were the party houses. They caused at least one major car crash that I know of, when one friend went out to "move" the other friend's (sports) car. That was superfun because the insurance company of the kid whose car it was ended up with a lawsuit against the family of the kid that moved it...lifelong friendship ended with the moving of a car.


We have absolutely no (trustworthy) family that could/would take DS while we went on vacation, so this whole scenario is moot for us, but there's just no way we would leave DS while we went on vacation. Unless he was already off at college. (though with his birthday, unless he gets early admission he'll be 18 when he starts college, unlike me) In which case we would schedule vacations while he was in school.

I would either remind them that you are the parents and they are minors under your roof and they get to go have a sunny vacation, too, OR have them stay with the grandparents (or grands stay with them).

 

[happymommy]

Although my folks left us alone very young, I disagree now with their choice.

My son is almost 17 (daughter almost 15) and I will NOT leave them overnight alone at all. Nope. Not doing it. It is just not worth the risk. I have had sitters (all paid, my in-laws don't offer even though they live nearby) to go away with DH for a weekend and even 5 nights 6 years ago (woo hoo that was the best and last time we've been away from them overnight together).

If you have family so close, why can't they come over to stay? Or have the kids go there? I totally agree with your husband.

And, to add, I have a niece who was left alone overnight at 13, and when I found out about it after the fact I was shocked. They live in a high crime area, and we're a half hour away - I would have had her come over to our house. Her parents needed a talking to for sure! It just takes one tweet, text, or facebook message to let someone know you're home alone and invite disaster today.

 

[mjkacmom]

Last year, we left dd17 with the grandparents (in town). I trust her completely, and give her a lot of independence (I bought her a bus ticket so she could go to Boston for the weekend and stay in her boyfriend's dorm).

I won't let her stay home alone, or with the kids. It's other kids I don't trust, and any word of a home without parents just brings trouble (my sister learned this in HS, and my mom had a 24 year old staying with her!).

 

[JessM]

My parents left me home alone overnight starting at 16. And yes I had friends over but we were all good kids, no drinking or anything like that. If you trust them I would leave them home if they don't want to go.

I didn't have any family living near by just family friends, your kids should be fine.

 

[North of Mouse]

I would not leave them at those ages. I would be worrying all the time, and it would not end up being a very relaxing 'get away'!

 

[smiths02]

If the 17 year old can drive...could they spend nights at your parents and stay home in the day? Like be at your parents house by 11 or something?

I understand worrying about parties...but you don't trust your 17 not to start a fire or something? but you let him operate a motor vehicle?

 

[thisisnotmyface]

I understand worrying about parties...but you don't trust your 17 not to start a fire or something? but you let him operate a motor vehicle?

I think 17 is an appropriately responsible age...

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

If the 17 year old can drive...could they spend nights at your parents and stay home in the day? Like be at your parents house by 11 or something?

I understand worrying about parties...but you don't trust your 17 not to start a fire or something? but you let him operate a motor vehicle?

Well, not arson but even adults can accidentally start a fire while cooking.
It's almost happened already when cheese melts onto the bottom of the toaster oven then the next person to cook doesn't know and it starts smoking.
He's very much a home-body so this is probably the riskiest thing he does, besides recently learning to drive.
He just got his learner's permit last spring and has to drive supervised. In Jan he'll be 17 then get his regular DL. Yes, it's part of growing up but I'm not having an easy time with that either.
Maybe he'll change once he can drive but for now I have to nag him to go outside.

 

[amylevan]

There are 17 yr olds away at college, so leaving a responsible one, that you trust, at home would not be a big issue with me. Especially since you have family less than 5 miles away. Surely they could check in occasionally during the weekend.

I'd be more concerned about the 13 yr old.

Also, have you asked them? Do they feel comfortable being left alone?

 

[kellyg403]

I have actually never left the kids home alone together, simply because of the number of children there were.

However, in the last year, we have only my 19yo and 17 yo at home. In Oct DH and I went for 5 days to his mom's house and his hometown. They had older siblings down the road if they needed to stay somewhere or something happened. On the way home, my 17 yo text me and said that he had to leave track early because he had issue with pain/running. I sent my oldest son over as we were still about 4 hours out to see what needed to be done ER or it can wait until I get there. Sometimes ds 17 is a little bit of drama queen and pain isn't his thing. Turned out he was ok, but it was nice to have someone to send over there so I was not freaking out the whole ride home.

Honestly, my son's are like yours. They have a few close friends and none that I don't trust. Older ds19 has a car and dl so when he came home from work they went and got dinner. I did grocery shop before I left, but they weren't into the cooking and cleaning up, so decided to eat out every night. So you may not have any issues with accidental fires, as teenagers would rather fast food it than anything else!

Its not something I have done in the past, but totally was fine. I didn't worry even HALF as much as I thought I would and I just had them both check in with me every afternoon so I could feel like I knew what was going on at home

Kelly

 

[henry72]

At 17 I was in college. I think leaving the 17 year old at home alone is fine. My parents left me home alone at 16 when they went to England for a week. There was no family in town. I think at 17, my DS would be fine alone. He is such a rule follower.

It would really depend on how well you think the 13 year old would do. Would they listen to their brother? Do they know how to take care of themselves - food, cleaning, etc? With family close in town and for such a short trip, I probably would be inclined to leave them as long as I thought the 13 year old could handle it.

 

[lvillotta1]

We are a close family. I can leave them alone now for a few hours. I would never leave them alone going on a trip by myself. They would always come with me. My parents never left us. A cruise definitely not.

 

[mjkacmom]

We are a close family. I can leave them alone now for a few hours. I would never leave them alone going on a trip by myself. They would always come with me. My parents never left us. A cruise definitely not.

My parents left us all of the time, and we're still really close (see each other multiple times a day...). I have had some great times going away with DH, and leaving them behind with the grandparents - it's pretty healthy, both for the adult couple, and the kids.

Heck, my kids have left us behind (school trips, vacations with friends) - good life experiences! You don't have to be joined at the hip to be a close family.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

There are 17 yr olds away at college, so leaving a responsible one, that you trust, at home would not be a big issue with me. Especially since you have family less than 5 miles away. Surely they could check in occasionally during the weekend.

I'd be more concerned about the 13 yr old.

Also, have you asked them? Do they feel comfortable being left alone?

I haven't discussed it yet with them. We're just tossing ideas around and I was curious what others do. By the time I was 16, my parents would go to their shore house on weekends and I had to work Saturdays so I stayed home. In fact, the house was cleaner when they got home than when they left.
We went away for 4 nts 3 yrs ago, when the kids had a 3 day weekend and they stayed at my parents. We chose that weekend so my parents would only have to deal with getting them up for school once. Everything went fine according to my parents but the kids complained they were bored, despite getting them some new games, toys & movie theater gift card. My older ds complained about having to sleep on the couch. Sure he's a kid and we've all done it for sleepovers and whatnot but 4 nts felt long to him. He towers over dh & I so despite still being a kid, he's adult sized. It's easy to mix up his clothes with dh's. Both kids said it would have been much better if they could have been home with all their gadgets and their own space.

3 yrs prior to that trip we had a long weekend away and my parents stayed at our house. They can't now because my 96 yr old grandmother lives with them.
So I'm kind of torn between not making it a burden for my parents and not making my kids miserable. This is why I thought if my parents drop by twice per day at random times, the kids know if they're breaking any rules, they'd be caught. Also if ds13 felt afraid, he could always change his mind and go to their house with them or ds17 could drive him.
I could force them to come and then I have to pay all that $ to hear them gripe that we've done it already. They acknowledge that I need a break more often than they do. I'm not cruising to see the ports and really don't care where it goes or even if it left the dock in FL. I don't even really care that it's a cruise; I could go sit at a hotel pool in the sun but by the time I pay for rental car, hotel, food, etc. a cruise is a bargain.
I just need a break from winter & work. I work in a hospital so there are never snow days at home. If it takes me 3 hrs to get to work under a State of Emergency and I'm the only idiot on the road, I have to go. Most years by the end of March I'm wondering "Why do we live here?" and ready to move to FL. In the past, I didn't start planning until I'm frazzled in late Jan but after being at my job for 23+ years, I know how it's going to be.

Dh suggested just taking a week off work & stay home and relax but when I'm home, there's always housework/laundry to be done and if I'm not doing it, I'm feeling guilty that I'm not getting things done. The only real escape is with a suitcase and a plane.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

My parents left us all of the time, and we're still really close (see each other multiple times a day...). I have had some great times going away with DH, and leaving them behind with the grandparents - it's pretty healthy, both for the adult couple, and the kids.

Heck, my kids have left us behind (school trips, vacations with friends) - good life experiences! You don't have to be joined at the hip to be a close family.

I agree. We are all very close and spend all our free time together. My kids don't want to go because we travel often. Very often. We have tons of happy, fun memories together. When mine were babies/toddlers, I know some people would still go away without their kids, but I never would. We always took them everywhere with us. Dh even declined an invite to his brother's wedding in Jamaica because it was an adults-only resort. We didn't go away without them until our youngest was almost 9.
It was awesome! Not that our marriage was ever in trouble but it really helped strengthen it and reminded me all over again why I married him.

But you can't treat your children like children forever. At some point we need to lengthen the leash and give them more independence if we want them to behave like adults someday.
I have a coworker who keeps constant tabs on her 23 yr old and requires her permission to do/go anywhere. Sheesh, my mom was married and had 3 kids by then.
I'm not saying 17 is the age to be totally independent but a few hours at a time without an adult present isn't unreasonable either.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree. We are all very close and spend all our free time together. My kids don't want to go because we travel often. Very often. We have tons of happy, fun memories together. When mine were babies/toddlers, I know some people would still go away without their kids, but I never would. We always took them everywhere with us. Dh even declined an invite to his brother's wedding in Jamaica because it was an adults-only resort. We didn't go away without them until our youngest was almost 9.
It was awesome! Not that our marriage was ever in trouble but it really helped strengthen it and reminded me all over again why I married him.

But you can't treat your children like children forever. At some point we need to lengthen the leash and give them more independence if we want them to behave like adults someday.
I have a coworker who keeps constant tabs on her 23 yr old and requires her permission to do/go anywhere. Sheesh, my mom was married and had 3 kids by then.
I'm not saying 17 is the age to be totally independent but a few hours at a time without an adult present isn't unreasonable either.

Excellent Post. And they will let you know when they are ready for more time away from you. I can count on a few fingers the times we left our boys over night when they were little but once DS21 hit those mid-late teen years, it was time to hear him say he was ready to stay home. He was totally trust worthy, mature and he loved a night or two alone. We have recently left him with DS7 and they bonded in ways they never would have with us there.