Asperger Meltdown Help

[Luv Bunnies]

My son is 13 1/2 and has Asperger's. He goes to a specialized school with a program for Asperger's. He gets good grades and has made good progress on his social goals. He takes a small dose of medication for anxiety (2/3 less than he was taking before starting the specialized school). He still has many inappropriate moments in social situations but is usually quick to catch himself or quick to recognize them when we point them out.

There is one thing that continues to be a huge problem for him and I just don't know how to get around it. He absolutely cannot handle seeing people "out of their element" as he puts it. When he was much younger, he spotted his teacher in a store and he freaked out because she only belonged at school. If he saw a classmate away from school, he would scream and run the other way. This hasn't been as much of a problem since starting the his current school since it's 10 miles away and the kids come from far and wide to go there. It's not like going to the neighborhood school and being likely to see your classmates everywhere you go.

So this week we're on spring break. The other day, we took our boys to San Francisco for the day (we live about 50 miles away). We were sitting outside of an ice cream shop and who should walk up but one of his classmates! This isn't just a classmate, it's his very best friend from school - a girl he says he likes! She said hi to him and he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for 20 - 30 seconds! I tried to model appropriate behavior by saying hi to her and her mom and asking them if they were having fun. The mom recognized the situation and walked the girl the other way hoping it would help our son calm down. Of course by then, a small crowed had stopped to see if we were torturing our son and why he was screaming. My husband and I were able to calm him down and had a chat with him when he stopped screaming. He said he reacted that way because he's not used to seeing his friend outside of school. They did go to a birthday party last year but he said that was different because he knew she would be there.

I get that seeing people in unfamiliar places is difficult for him. But I just wish we could get him to react in a less disruptive way. We told him it's OK to put his head down or cover his face but it's not OK to scream or make a scene. We hope we can eventually help him to accept these situations better by actually speaking appropriately to the person. But for now, I would be happy with a quieter reaction that doesn't draw a crowd!

Anyone else have situations like this? Next week our younger son is in the school play. It's the same school our older son went to before starting his current school. There are kids in the play that he used to go to school with and there will be lots of teachers there. I really think he should go and support his brother, but I'm afraid of what might happen when he encounters people from his past!

 

[JESW]

Is it something they can work with him on at school? I have a ds14 with Asperger's and he also goes to a school with an Asperger's program. Whenever we have different situations come up I speak with them and they use it as a learning experience for him. Maybe they can have him role play and think up proper ways to react when it happens?

Ah, these Apsies make life interesting, don't they?

Good luck!

Jill

 

[pudge the fish]

maybe if you explained to him who may be there? and what may happen?

I know when my DD who is an NT but has issues with new things and has meltdowns due to a few physical imbalances, does better when things are explained to her.

I am sure someone helpful will be along soon to offer much better advice than I can

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Is it something they can work with him on at school? I have a ds14 with Asperger's and he also goes to a school with an Asperger's program. Whenever we have different situations come up I speak with them and they use it as a learning experience for him. Maybe they can have him role play and think up proper ways to react when it happens?

Ah, these Apsies make life interesting, don't they?

Good luck!

Jill

Yes - I am planning to run this by his school next week. One of the aides calls me each week to give me an update and ask how things are going outside of school. I'll tell her about this incident and she'll report it to the social thinking teacher. I've also talked to the teacher about role-playing behavior in restaurants. My son does great until his Sprite refill takes longer than he expected!

Aspies do make our lives more interesting! I love the heck out of that kid and wish I could make things easier for him! Thanks!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

maybe if you explained to him who may be there? and what may happen?

We've been talking about the school play for months. He will definitely see people he used to go to school with. Hopefully it will be better since he will be able to anticipate it.

There was no way to anticipate that his "girlfriend" from school would be in San Francisco at the exact same ice cream shop on the exact same day as we were. That's when it gets harder.

He did say (on his own, no prompting) that he is planning to apologize to her when they get back to school. He knows his reaction was extreme and he feels bad that he wasn't able to talk to her. I guess that's a good thing!

 

[bookwormde]

It really comes down to the core difference in social situations between neurotypicals and aspies, for us everything societally social is intellectually based and to a great extent “scripted”. Once we are “out of our element” all this goes away and we are to a great extent completely lost. My DS still does this but to a lesser extent and duration, in asking him “why” the best answer I have gotten is that he was anxious and startled and “did not know what else to do”. It is just my theory but I believe to an extent it is just a defense mechanism just like when NTs scream when they are startled. We have worked on alternatives and some “fits all” scripts, which help some. Also in a non-accusatory way explaining the impact his reaction has on others also helps a lot.

We have also done a lot of work on “transitions” and this helped a lot with items in the areas also.

Unfortunately this is a difficult skill to work on in a controlled environment since it does not elicit the same reaction, sort of the same a working on reactions when DS is anxious, it is just not appropriate to generate the levels of anxiety that is takes so it is really just a teach some “general skills” and when an “event” happens to stop, allow time for decompression and do a social autopsy and work on alternatives.

bookwormde

 

[saveaquarter]

bookwormde has some very great points (as always, seeing as he's pretty much a genius).

I think the problem, in this particular instance, is that your son has worked out how to interact with people within the construct of School. The way he interacts with classmates within the classroom is very different from how he'd interact with them outside of the classroom. He knows one, but not the other. The same goes for teachers, though that can get even more complicated. How do you deal with an authority figure in a situation where they do not have that authority?

I would definitely say bring it up with his school, and in the meantime, maybe talk through a 'script' with him, and see if he takes to the idea. "If you see someone from school outside of school, this is how to greet them" etc. If he is prepared with a script for an interaction, he'll have something to draw on to work through the situation and may not be startled so badly. Of course, everyone is different and it may not work, but it's most likely worth a try!

 

[DisDreaminMom]

I say that some practice is in order. I know that we have some anxiety with our DS about seeing kids outside of class, but not to the degree you are talking about. Is there any way you can have friends with kids your son knows help you "surprise" him in a social situation? Ask the teachers and teacher's aides if they would spare some time, too? Preferably somewhere that it won't be so noticeable if he loses it? Surely you can get some of his classmates' parents to help you organize a little outside of school social time. Then prepare a set of rules about how to react when he sees people whom he feels fit only in a certain context.

For instance, I would ask his favorite teacher's aide to meet me and DS for dinner at a fairly active place, one he feels very comfortable in general. Don't tell DS. But on the way over to eat, or earlier that day, say, "Hey, let's talk about the way that we react when we see people from school while they are not at school. Don't you think that people who work and attend your school need to eat dinner and get groceries, and go to the store? Where do you think they may go if they all live and work around the school? Remember when you got very upset in SanFran when you saw Sue and do you think it scared your friend because maybe she thought you were upset or angry to see her? Do you think this is the best way to greet a friend? Would she have felt better if you said 'Yippee' or 'Hot Dog' or given her a big hug? How do you like to be greeted by someone you like?" etc.

Then have teacher, friend, etc come in on cue and rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. You should really practice with adults first, as it's not fair to set up a peer for that kind of thing until he "licks" it with adults for a while. Is it stressful for him to intially see the person or is it interacting with them that causes a reaction? Do you need to have a person just do a "walk by" and pretend not to notice DS? That might help him considerably- to build up to a full "interaction". It is important to have the person model the appropriate behavior by ignoring his possible outburst and doing the "right" thing. If he screams, then the other person must completely ignore it and keep going as if he were behaving normally. (Called Extinction in behavior talk).

By reacting to his reaction that was involuntary, you create more stress and it stays there until the next interaction, just waiting to pop out bigger and better than before. And notice if you and your husband tense up when you see this person. Your body language is loud and clear to your son.

The hardest thing to do in breaking a bad habit is to break it the first time. But remember, a new behavior must be practiced 30 times until it is hardwired into a brain. Reacting to the stress is not teaching him anything. Give him logical reasons to repeat certain behaviors will help him build skills that get him through varied circumstances.

Another thing is that if the school only works on school social situations, then what happens when the kids get out? Delicately pointing this out might be in your best interest. Do all the children hope for careers in academia? Because if the kids want to be able to cope in the "real" world, with a job, and a family, this must be met head on. Think of the stress it must cause your DS. The scream was the manifestation of this reaction. Wait till he's not prepubescent anymore. How will he handle a pretty girl in the Mall, etc.?

P.S. I'm totally jealous that you have a real school to deal with this. I love my kid's school and the teachers try so hard, but I constantly have to give them this dialogue to help my DS, because I don't think they realize how much prep work goes into my DS's average day. I had to tell them that DS comes home completely physically and mentally exhausted. She had no idea why that would be. I had to explain how hard it is to get through an average day with all the social, auditory, and sensory inputs from the day. "Oh, now I get it. Should I do more to see the meltdowns and be proactive?" Funny, since we had that talk, DS stopped getting in trouble at school.

Sorry for the long post. We've done this before and will likely keep on until it clicks. Good luck. It's not as hard as you think. Just break it down into steps.

 

[BeckyScott]

I'll take a stab at this... Maybe his reaction is because seeing people he knows isn't predictable. When you are at school, you see certain people, that is predictable, same people every day. When he goes home, the same people are there, and if you have company you probably warn him who's coming. When you are out in public, all you see are strangers. That is also predictable. Most situations, just at the store, all he sees are strangers, and he is prepared for that, that's the way it "works" when you go to the store. If you are out of town, well it seems perfectly obvious that the only people you'll see are strangers. And he has it in his head that's the way it works, and I guess he's settled with those facts.

It's the unpredictability of it, the surprise?

DS freaks over bugs. (I know bugs are not the same as people) It's not the bugs, though. It's the unpredictability of bugs. Especially the flying ones. You never know what they're going to do next. That's the part he doesn't like. Bugs themselves are okay.

If that is the case, like the concert next week, you can make it predictable for him, to a certain extent. Let him know who might be there, the people he might be seeing. Even dig out an old yearbook. (but sit in back just in case) As far as going out of town or to the store, discuss it ahead of time, maybe try to make a game out of it. I wonder if we'll see anyone we know, it would be funny if so-and-so was there, of all the people you know who do you think might be at the store the same time we are?