Asking friend of DS with AS to go on our trip

[Brer Shay]

I'm sorry that this is long and not sure if this is the best place, but you've been so helpful and kind with other information, I knew I could ask here.

We're planning a trip to DW in August. My DS11 is an Aspie and has finally found a real friend (H). They've been buddies for a year now and H has been wonderful to DS. We've done play dates together a few times and I'm in the classroom at least twice a month to help out. This boy has been a Godsend for my son as a friend and as a help in so many school and social situations. He is an amazingly nice kid and any time his name is mentioned to others, the reponse is, "He's a great kid!" I'm sure that H has recognized DS "quirks" but neither he or his family (or any of the other students) are aware of any sort of Dx.

About two months after our last trip, DS said to me, "I really like DW (an understatement) and I'd really like for H to see it too. Do you think we could take him with us someday?" My response was that I thought it was great he thought of his friend (huge moment for him demonstrating empathy which we've worked so hard on, but I digress..), we'd have to see what things were like when we plan another trip. Fast forward five months, and DH and I have planned a trip for August which our kids don't know about (thanks to the GAD-GADD and an unexpected offsite option).

I would be THRILLED to take this boy with us. It would be great for DS to share more time with H and, realistically, an opportunity H will probably not have as a child. It would give us an even 6 for the trip and would probably result in much less fighting between my DDs and DS along the way. Accomodations are no problem and the boys would share they're own room with twin beds. We'll cover getting him there, his food, his lodging, and possibly his ticket. (Ticket would be about $170 after the GAD ticket - we may even cover this depending on our tax return).

I have lots of questions flying around in my head:
- Is this a good idea? H hasn't seen all of DS quirks - will this spoil they're friendship?
- The trip is in August - what if they aren't still friends then?
- How do I best ask? - H's mom and I have spent two "playdates" together and talked about class parties, but I don't know her VERY well. Also, H's parents are divorced and I don't know him at all, though I know he's local and involved.
- When should I ask? Should we have H over a few more times first, then ask. Should I wait until it's closer to the trip?
- When do I tell our kids? All of mine love Disney. DS and DD2 talk at least 3X a week about going back. I know they'll be super excited and want them to enjoy that. I also know that DS will fairly quickly ask about H and I will not present his mom in any negative light by saying H isn't allowed to go.
- Is this a good choice? Have I missed something else entirely about this idea?

Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated!

 

[jmartinez1895]

I think I would start small and have H over for the night and see how well the boys handle that and you'll get a glimps of how well H does away from home. If that works then try to plan a few more things with his mom and that way the two of you can get to know each other better. ( I would not let my child go on a trip with people I don't know very well) Bring it up to his mom that pointing out how well the boys get along and that it was your sons request. It will never hurt to ask but also when you do tell her that you would like to spend more time with her before the trip and have her family over a few times as well.

 

[Brer Shay]

Thank you. In my haze, I forgot my cardinal rule - "How would you respond on the other side of the situation."

We've invited H over again this weekend and will consider the whole family option for DS birthday coming up soon.

I think I just need to take a deep breath.

 

[cm8]

hi!!! I think that more play dates and over nighters are important as you will see how they will interact. I would thing that since they both seem so close, that it would not bother H so much to know that his DF has more needs. I think that what you want to do is awesome and I hope that you can build some sort of friendship with his mom or parents that will also facilitate your request. Once you see how they "fit" together than I think you should have an inkling as to where they stand. I would also let the other parent know since August will be her in no time and there are somethings that she may have planned as well. It could also let you know how she feels and see what she may think of the idea as well. Anyways, that is just my opinion, I wish you the best of luck!!

 

[Brer Shay]

Thanks for the encouragement. I've talked with H's mom and he's coming over to play on Saturday, weather permitting.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I wonder if you DS would feel more stress having to maybe "keep it together" more for a freind than for his family. A overnight playdate is much easier to deal with than a whole week???

Will the sibblings have a problem with just him bringing a friend and they not bring one???

You mentioned his only chance to do to WDW...would buying a ticket even be an option for them...I think this would be a situaton of if you invite you pay.

Just some tough things to think about..I hope if this is the best choice it works great for your DS!!!!

 

[disneymami]

I'm reading your post with tears in my eyes. I'm so glad your son has finally found a friend. I'm still waiting for my DD who will turn 9 in a few weeks to locate her first real true friend. She has teachers and aides and therapists who simply adore her, but not a single child her own age who could claim they are friends.
I think when that day happens, and I pray that it will soon, I think I would want to take that child to DW too because I would be simply ecstatic over the triumph for my DD finally having her first friend. Her autism is severe enough that she hasn't the ability to make friends, nor does she even have any idea what it is like to simply play with someone and enjoy someone's company. Do you know what it like to plan a birthday party for your child who has no friends.
Anyway, I'm really thrilled for you and I would be just careful and proceed cautiously with this new friendship. I would want my child to nurture the relationship and see where it goes. Baby steps I guess would be the best way to approach it. good luck and let us know what happens.

BTW, I have twins, one autistic, one typical. At least my DD has her twin so she is not always alone. Thank you God.

 

[cm8]

I'm reading your post with tears in my eyes. I'm so glad your son has finally found a friend. I'm still waiting for my DD who will turn 9 in a few weeks to locate her first real true friend. She has teachers and aides and therapists who simply adore her, but not a single child her own age who could claim they are friends.
I think when that day happens, and I pray that it will soon, I think I would want to take that child to DW too because I would be simply ecstatic over the triumph for my DD finally having her first friend. Her autism is severe enough that she hasn't the ability to make friends, nor does she even have any idea what it is like to simply play with someone and enjoy someone's company. Do you know what it like to plan a birthday party for your child who has no friends.
Anyway, I'm really thrilled for you and I would be just careful and proceed cautiously with this new friendship. I would want my child to nurture the relationship and see where it goes. Baby steps I guess would be the best way to approach it. good luck and let us know what happens.

BTW, I have twins, one autistic, one typical. At least my DD has her twin so she is not always alone. Thank you God.

 

[mac4fam]

I hope someday my son finds someone just as kind as your son has.

I hope whatever happens it works out for the best!

(A fellow mom that can relate!)

 

[Brer Shay]

Disneymami - I completely understand where you are and where your heart is. It is so hard to see a lack of peers for your child. Hugs and prayers for your DD and you as she continues to wait for that friend.

MSSANDRA - We've decided that we will definitely cover all of the costs for H to go with us, including his ticket. He's been such a gift to DS. I'm definitely weighing the idea of whether having him attend will be to much pressure on DS to keep it together - I'm leaning toward no, but am continuing to watch them interact. As for my DDs, they both have lots of friends, lots of sleepovers and each other to play with. My older DD might be a little jealous, but I don't think it will be a big issue for either of them.

We had another "playday" last Friday and I got to spend a little more time with H's mom. She invited DS over to play at their house in two weeks. That will be the first unsupervised playdate he's had. I'm both happy and nervous about that. I think he's ready though. She also mentioned planning a sleepover sometime next month. It was nice to hear her initiating as well. Still trying to keep it one step at a time in my mind.

Today is our six month mark.

 

[cm8]

Disneymami - I completely understand where you are and where your heart is. It is so hard to see a lack of peers for your child. Hugs and prayers for your DD and you as she continues to wait for that friend.

MSSANDRA - We've decided that we will definitely cover all of the costs for H to go with us, including his ticket. He's been such a gift to DS. I'm definitely weighing the idea of whether having him attend will be to much pressure on DS to keep it together - I'm leaning toward no, but am continuing to watch them interact. As for my DDs, they both have lots of friends, lots of sleepovers and each other to play with. My older DD might be a little jealous, but I don't think it will be a big issue for either of them.

We had another "playday" last Friday and I got to spend a little more time with H's mom. She invited DS over to play at their house in two weeks. That will be the first unsupervised playdate he's had. I'm both happy and nervous about that. I think he's ready though. She also mentioned planning a sleepover sometime next month. It was nice to hear her initiating as well. Still trying to keep it one step at a time in my mind.

Today is our six month mark.

 

[bubble098]

Brer Shay - just wanted to say what a wonderful idea! - hope it all works out for you all xx