Ashamed of myself

[robin09]

I just have to let this off my chest.. I'm hoping someone here can understand.

A little background... My dd is 10 she has aspergers, ocd, anxiety, adhd.... She is very verbal, has little social skills, but we are working on that. She LOVES people, all people, sees good in everyone and this is where I hate myself.

We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone... Jenn goes to a 12-1-1 class and mainstreams in english and math.

Our Coujnty fair is this week, and yes we are living there.. and then off to Disney Saturday morning.

Enough of our background, I'm exhausted, tired, been a rough summer and then yesterday at the fairgrounds she sees this one little girl, who (please forgive me) is horrible to my daughter, never smiles and is just outright nasty.
Jenn being Jenn, goes to her with a big smile and asks her how she is, asks about the summer.. and this monster just looks at my daughter like she has 4 heads, and bugs all over her. I turn around to jenn and tell her let's go, I can't understand why you even talk to this mean little girl, it's obvious she doesn't like you. Yes I know I'm a horrible mom

To make me feel even smaller, Jenna turns around to me and tells me that it's nice to be nice to everyone, and in time she will come around. She also tells me that some people don't know how to be nice and we have to show them. that this girl needs friends and she is willing to wait.

How do you get past this? I know my daughter is shunned, and she has few friends if any. She is such a sweetheart, and I don't deserve her. I was mean. If she can be so wonderful to someone who is just outright nasty, why can't I?

Thanks to all of you for being here and letting me vent.. I need it, this has been turning over in my head all night, I've got to learn to be a better person for my daughter, she has taught me sooo much!

 

[alizesmom]

You can't be too bad/mean of a mom to have raised a gem like that! Karen

 

[robin09]

Thankyou Karen,

those words mean alot, I just don't know where she gets such a heart.. It amazes me, and it hurts when people do to her what they do. I hurt for her, but at least she doesn't feel the pain.

I know she does feel it somewhere though, because just a few days ago she asked me if we could move to florida...me assuming for disney, but I asked her why and she told me.. so she can get a fresh start for middle school next september,,,(she'll be graduating 5th grade next june) where the kids won't think she is weird. I know she is hurting, but she is so darn sweet...

 

[pudge the fish]

It's the Beautiful & Wonderful children like your DD who open our eyes to see what we normally don't see.
There are so many things we never STOP and see the good in things- The good that REALLY IS there.

You were having a tired Mom moment it's allowed

The world needs more kindness in it and your DD will do her best to spread that kindness around.
unfortunatly some people will never *get it *

Have a blast at WDW

 

[bookwormde]

You are a protective mom so your reaction is to be expected (I can see my DW doing the same thing), not to mention by innate wiring or learned skill this is a standard tribal/clan reaction (both the little girl and yours) so while intellectually you wish your handled it different your reaction is quite “socially standard”, the only different thing is your daughter’s reaction, and that is one of the greatest gifts of having a child on the spectrum.

My son sounds very much like your daughter, the only difference is that while someone acting like this towards him is OK, if he sees this being done to someone else he likely to “comment” or even intervene (that gets interesting sometimes).

As previously said, the fact that you have allowed her to retain this wonderful gift, says everything about how wonderful a mom you are so relax, and enjoy all the aspie lessons that are yet to come and do no worry about it. Have lots of fun at Disney, we are leaving for the Outer banks on Saturday also for our before school vacation (and to play tag with hurricane Bill).

bookwormde

 

[KirstenB]

OMG, I would have done the same thing!!! Our older dd had a friend over for a sleepover. Her friend is usually very nice to Zoe, our 4 yr old with ASD. Well the preteen attitude came out during the sleepover, and the friend kept asking, "how come Zoe's so weird?". I nearly slapped her, and she's a friend!!!!

It gets so frustrating. No one knows our kids' quirks better than us, trust me. And being reminded that other kids think our kids are weird, is just the straw that sometimes really breaks your back.

Robin 09, your reaction was completely understandable, and frankly I would have done the same thing. Your daughter has a heart of gold.

 

[OneLittleSpark]

Oh honey, you're not a bad person at all! All you're trying to do is keep your daughter away from mean children, who haven't learnt the love your daughter was born with, to try and protect her from hurting. It's so wonderful that she has all this love and trust in her heart, but sadly this world does have some sharp corners, that might hurt such an open and vulnerable heart .

Please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve it; you were only being a protective mother, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure your daughter won't have thought any more about it, but she may have noticed that you're worrying (kids on the spectrum sometimes notice things the rest of us can't see). I know it's hard, but try to put it out of your mind; you'll only make yourself ill worry, and it will do no good at all.

You have a truly remarkable daughter, and she is a real credit to you. Never feel guilty for trying to protect such a beautiful thing

 

[Schmeck]

OMG, I would have done the same thing!!! Our older dd had a friend over for a sleepover. Her friend is usually very nice to Zoe, our 4 yr old with ASD. Well the preteen attitude came out during the sleepover, and the friend kept asking, "how come Zoe's so weird?". I nearly slapped her, and she's a friend!!!!

Did you ever answer her question? It would have been an opportune time (in your own home, no public audience) to give the friend some info.

 

[robin09]

You are a protective mom so your reaction is to be expected (I can see my DW doing the same thing), not to mention by innate wiring or learned skill this is a standard tribal/clan reaction (both the little girl and yours) so while intellectually you wish your handled it different your reaction is quite “socially standard”, the only different thing is your daughter’s reaction, and that is one of the greatest gifts of having a child on the spectrum.

My son sounds very much like your daughter, the only difference is that while someone acting like this towards him is OK, if he sees this being done to someone else he likely to “comment” or even intervene (that gets interesting sometimes).

As previously said, the fact that you have allowed her to retain this wonderful gift, says everything about how wonderful a mom you are so relax, and enjoy all the aspie lessons that are yet to come and do no worry about it. Have lots of fun at Disney, we are leaving for the Outer banks on Saturday also for our before school vacation (and to play tag with hurricane Bill).

bookwormde

See, you understand, it doesn't bother her that much, she just says that others call her weird, but she lets it go. BUT if she sees others being treated unfairly,she is the first to step up and tell others to stop. I saw this firsthand at a girl scout social... girl scouts were ending and it was ice cream day. All the girls were sitting at tables, waiting and eating their ice cream. One little girl had started crying because kids were making fun of her, in that sing song voice... and Jenn put her arm around her and told them to stop that it wasn't nice. I was so proud of her and told her so. SHe does protect others.

Thankyou to everyone, I really appreciate the kind words, I would put all of you in here, but I don't know how to attach from different quotes!~

 

[KirstenB]

Did you ever answer her question? It would have been an opportune time (in your own home, no public audience) to give the friend some info.

I didn't go into the whole autism thing, but I reminded the friend that many things are tricky for Zoe, and that she's doing the best she can. Her mom is a very good friend, and I"m sure she's explained to her daughter about autism, since they have another family friend with a son with ASD.

 

[bookwormde]

I am not surprised that she is protector of others from you description of her, it is really funny we know that social issues directed at us are of little or no consequence (now insult our logic or intellect and it is likely to be another situation entirely) so why worry about it, but we also know that for many others it is “painful” so we step in.

bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

Hi Robin,

Another mom here that totally understands. DP is the cool and collected one. Me, not so much. It's hard to watch our kids be shunned and picked on. DS (6) spent many days coming home from Kindergarten last year saying noone liked him and that he was a freak. Yet he still wanted to go every day and is looking forward to 1st grade.

Other kids just don't get him and he drives his older sister's (9) friends crazy. We tell them about the autism, but he still drives them nuts.

Last night when we were praying we did the usual "God Bless" mom, mama, Grandma, Grandpa etc. and "everyone else, event the people I don't like".

And quite frankly I believe many of the children in his class would benefit from social skills and social stories themselves.

So you are not a bad mom, like others have said you sound like a pretty good one to me.

Take Care.

-A

 

[OneLittleSpark]

See, you understand, it doesn't bother her that much, she just says that others call her weird, but she lets it go. BUT if she sees others being treated unfairly,she is the first to step up and tell others to stop. I saw this firsthand at a girl scout social... girl scouts were ending and it was ice cream day. All the girls were sitting at tables, waiting and eating their ice cream. One little girl had started crying because kids were making fun of her, in that sing song voice... and Jenn put her arm around her and told them to stop that it wasn't nice. I was so proud of her and told her so. SHe does protect others.

I don't think that a 'bad person' could have raised as beautiful a child as this. She sounds like a wonderful person, and I'm sure you're a big part of that.

Last night when we were praying we did the usual "God Bless" mom, mama, Grandma, Grandpa etc. and "everyone else, event the people I don't like".

And quite frankly I believe many of the children in his class would benefit from social skills and social stories themselves.

Hugs to all of the wonderful, special children out there and all the parents who let them shine so brightly .




Added in a little aside:

I would put all of you in here, but I don't know how to attach from different quotes!~

Hit the button next to the 'Quote' one (in the middle of the three) for any you want to quote, then when you hit 'post reply' or 'quote' it will put them all in

 

[Earstou]

Robin09, that was the Mother Bear in you coming out to protect her cub!!!!! Unfortunately, our aspie cubs need more protecting than most. I always say that God gave us children to keep us humble, because mine teach ME so many lessons!

My ds is similar, except he isn't exceedingly verbal, so never would say the things your dd so eloquently said. But he accepts most people, even the ones who have been very nasty to him. In 4th grade, he had 2 boys who turned the entire class against him, and I was amazed because he was still nice to these boys.

For us, middle school wasn't any better than elementary school. In fact, it was worse, because it's important to the kids to be viewed as "cool". My ds lost an old friend in middle school, because it wasn't cool to been seen with ds. I know this was it, because the kid would have the best time with my ds at scouts, but wouldn't talk to him at school.
Ds is in high school now, and has his own bunch of friends finally. The kids seem much more accepting of individualism in HS.

 

[jezaduck24]

Robin, I am the mom of a 4 y/o son newly diagnosed with Aspergers. One of my biggest fears is for him socially. I haven't seen anything happen firsthand at his pre-school but have definitely gotten a vibe from some of the other parents and kids. Ben has never been invited for a playdate or to a birthday party. He gets so many odd looks when we are in public and he is doing some of his hand tics (he is hyperlexic and 'spells' with his hands constantly) or hums to himself. Still he talks about his classmates like they are his best friends. I took in a book "Understanding Sam" about a little boy with Asperger's for the first week of school in hopes that it might help a little. His new teacher has worked with Aspies before and already seems to be so wonderful to him. They read the book and had a class discussion about what they can do to help Ben. All I can say is that I would have reacted the same way. I can Mama Bear with the best of them! Your daughter sounds like a beautiful soul and you have nourished that.

I know there are parents out there that teach their kids to try to see the person inside .....just hope all of our kids encounter those kids in their lives.

 

[Libbyt]

Ya know, your daughter's attitude toward her (acceptance, friendliness) and your totally realistic & human response to the other girl's reaction may have been just the spark SHE needed to realize what a jerk she was being! Everybody, especially teenagers, has to have that moment where they grow up and understand that how you treat other people matters, and hopefully that was her moment. So your daughter may have given her a wonderful gift, if you look at it from that angle!