ARRGH! My MIL is a Xmas nightmare!!

[Mouse House Mama]

I wouldn't mind the spoiling - my kids have grandparents that do that! Teh thing that would really make me mad is that she is spoiling Santa for the kids. It is only for a short while that they believe and if Grandma is better than Santa then she is robbing the parents of that. I would be hurt and mad that anyone would want to spoil that for my kids and my dh and I. My parents and inlaws always ask what the kids need or want and I we discuss what Santa wil be bringing. It sounds like she is giving the gifts to satisfy her need to be the center of attention. I had a grandmother like that. She was wonderful in many ways and was very generous, but I think she bought certain things just to outshine every one else. JMHO. Op- I hope you find a solution.

 

[ogreenlee]

This is a great idea in theory, but the bigger problem that we are having is that our kids are young right now, and so the things that they are vocalizing that they want are things that they want to ask "SANTA" for. Santa doesn't bring money for college...not much fun there!! I would definitely do that if they were older, but they aren't. The problem that we are having is that "mimi" is wanting to BE SANTA. So, where does that leave the big guy?

We have often told her that it's too much. We don't even let the kids have their stuff all at once, we spread it out over a period of time after Xmas. Not only that, but we have even told her that we will start giving some of the things to less fortunate kids.

The point for us right now is more that she is taking away from "Santa's duties." Because since she's bought everything, there is nothing else left to give. Not only that, but the kids don't NEED any more. It's sad to me that the kids are starting to look forward to going to her house more than waking up to Santa in the morning because they get more things...and that's not right.

Get what you want Santa to bring. That way when they go to Grandma's house, everytime they open a present that Santa already brought, the kids will announce that Santa has already given it to them. Then take her presents back to the store for a store credit (if you don't have a receipt) or an exchange. Hopefully, you'll have some of the receipts that you can exchange for cash back to put into their savings accounts. Good luck! And don't let these folks be so hard on you.

Speakin' of MILs.. it took me quite a long time to get over my MIL sticking my MOTHER at the table with the photographer and videographer at our wedding rehearsal dinner, and NOT at the head table beside them. We were at the downstairs "head table" with all of our friends/younger folks.

 

[cruisnfamily]

I don't know anyone who does both Santa and Parent gifts. It's either one or the other.

I've never heard of this theory. Everybody I know does gifts from both Santa and the parents.

 

[isla bonita]

After reading these posts I wish some of the problems where mine and am glad that some are not mine.

One year my MIL forgot one of my sons gifts at home. I think she just forgot to buy for him but I could be wrong. We all have our issues.

Thats why we are lucky to have the Dis boards to vent. Gotta love that.

 

[merryweather's twin]

I have not read all the posts so sorry if this is a repete. Have Santa give them a trip to WDW! Lets see her top that! Then you are not stuck with more toys and they get the true meaning of christmas break (spending time with Mom and Dad celebrating Christs birth.)We are doing this with our kids for the same reason(on my side Mom and sisters love christmas gift giving too much). This year I asked them to give 1 thing for each child because they will not be opening them on christmas anyway and we are not bringing anything present wise to fl. Santa will make a visit and the trip is from Mom and Dad.

 

[macfamily]

One year my MIL forgot one of my sons gifts at home

Oh my GOSH, I did this to by BIL last year, how embarrassing that was!!! I'm always so organized when it comes to this type of thing, so I was completely mortified. I went the very next morning and brought it to him, it was sitting on the couch arm (which was right beside the front door) when we got home. I hope I never do that again!

 

[mookie]

Okay, now let's throw a REAL wrench into the situation!

First, thanks so much for all the suggestions and encouragement...I'm glad that I'm not alone in my thinking.

As far as seeing Mimi after Santa comes, this does happen. But only every other year. We have a large family, and it was very hard to have everyone decide when they were going to get together for the holidays. So the solution was Mimi's one year for Xmas eve, and the next year Xmas day, and so on. The alternate days we are at "the in-laws," (my parents). So, on the years that we do Xmas day, it is a bit easier. But like this year, we will get together on Xmas eve......

DH is very supportive in all of this, as is the other kids. (Meaning my BIL and SIL...they don't like it either!) We have all said something to her, but it's in one ear and out the other. I truly think she likes the attention from our complaining. She feeds off of it. She knows it bothers us and sees it as funny. "That's what grandparents are supposed to do...."

And, we've tried the WDW thing. (Trust me, that would be the BEST gift ever, and our DD would go nuts over it!) But Mimi already thinks we are too vacation happy, and has said that she likes to "see" the gifts in use...a trip to her isn't something that she can see the satisfaction from right away. Go Figure!!! Plus, I'd be afraid that she'd want to come with us....

Again, don't get me wrong, I really do like my MIL. But this issue is the one thing that has always been a MAJOR sticking point for me. I knew it would be a problem when I first met DH. The first Xmas I spent with them, we were in college, and for Xmas, he was opening boxes of Mashed Potatoes, Ramen Noodles, etc....all with $100.00 bills wrapped around them!!!!

 

[jeepgirl30]

I agree its a control issue. The amount of money spent is not the real problem.

My MIL will always pull something so she gives the gifts first. It could be 3 weeks until Christmas but she'll do it to beat everyone else. She buys a TON of stuff but honestly, most of it is junkie. She is divorced so I know the money is tight. I wish she would stop buying so much and do a quality vs quantity. Everytime the kids visit her (we try to stop over every other weekend for a visit) she loads them up with dollar store junk. The stuff ends up broke on the way home. I know for her love/attention is shown through giving so I've never said anything.

She also would do this with holiday outfits. I did have an issue with this. I would buy DD her easter dresses and MIL would buy one too and insist DD wore the one she bought. DH would think nothing of it and take the dres I bought off and put MIL's on. I would take the pics but then dress her back up in my dress for the other pictures!

She does this with food too. If I host a get together she shows up with a complete meal. I'm taking COMPLETE. Now I hear some of you saying "so what?" and how nice for the help. But cooking and entertaining are my passion. So its very offensive to me. And, I have been told DO NOT bring ANYthing to her house for any meals. One Christmas I had food out and she shows up. DH starts bringing my food back into the kitchen to make room for MIL's food. I finally snapped and said it was rude and no way was my food being put away. DH says "well where should I put this?" I said "in the trash". It lead to a huge fight. We did serve her food but I told her I appreciated her bringing food but I had the menu planned and would have appreciated the notice that an entire meal was being brought over. She still goes overboard but its getting better. I now will put whatever is extra into the fridge for the next day. She commented once and I explained we just had way too much and hers was appreciated for the next day so I didn't need to cook.

Now she refuses to let me host any holiday meals. We have to go to her place for every holiday. If we are seeing my parents for a holiday she'll have her meal the weekend before. It'll be all the traditonal foods but she has to be the first.

The thing is, like the gifts its all quanity over the quality. She'll but the cheapest largest ham and over cook it. Everything is in mass amounts but no flavor. Then she packs up the leftovers and sends them home. So by the time I make the meal we are sick of the ham or turkey or whatever.

last year I told her I couldn't possibly take any leftovers because I had already purchased the honey spiral ham and didn't want it to go to waste. She was pissed but she really couldn't say anything.

I do appreciate her but it does get frustrating. She made a comment once that she would host the meals because she was the mother. Thing is, I'm the mother too and she needs to respect that.

I try very hard to include her and respect her but I will not miss out on things important to me just to induldge her.

 

[robinb]

I see by your update that you will be at her house for Christmas Eve. I don't see that as a problem because I think the whole idea of giving the same gifts from Santa is just as rude as what your MIL is doing. You're both trying to ONE-UP the other.

I do have a question ... why the heck did your DH give Mimi the whole list anyway? It seems that he would have known what she would do. Since this bugs you so much, it doesn't strike me as something he would just "space out" on and give her the list accidentally. It seems to me that you are really not on the same page re: Mimi and her gifts. I can relate to this too ... as I am the daughter of an over-giver and my DH is the son of people who barely give anything at all. I have the worst of both worlds ... the mom who is on a fixed income and gives too much and the MIL who is wealthy and gives junk she got for free or stuff from the Dollar Store!

Anyway ... all is not lost for Santa. It's still October! It's not like you have already sent the list off to the North Pole. I would tell your DD that Daddy gave her wish list to Mimi and that she gets to make another list for Santa. There is really nothing you can do about Mimi this year. Next year you should make two lists: a Mimi List and a Santa List and make sure your DH only shares one of them!

 

[macfamily]

Um, Robin, I don't think she was planning to give gifts to the kids from Santa after MIL gifted the same stuff just to be rude; that's not how it came across to me at all.

On the other hand, the idea of two separate wish lists is a good thought! I was also kind of surprised to hear that DH would pass off the list knowing what his mom was like; thinking more on it, it kind of sounds like he wasn't really thinking about it when he did it; I completely understand. I hope that your kiddo is of an age where there's always more that is wanted

 

[EthansMom]

I agree that your MIL has a control issue. Personally, I would try to regain some control.

Our kids have 4 full sets of Grandparents and, some years, the gift giving has gotten to be outrageous. One tactic I've tried are asking the Grandparents to stick to only one toy and then clothes, videos, and/or books, since we already have sooooo many toys. For the distant Grandparents, I recommended just sending money so that the kids can use their Christmas money to get something they really want, but didn't get. My Dad now sends each kid $25, which they love. One year, the kids used this $25 to go to Build a Bear and had a great time.

As stated by another poster, I do also give the different Grandparents different lists of things the kids want. I make sure that the items I recommend are things that the kids want or would love to have, but that they aren't anything that I am purchasing or that I'm recommending to anyone else.

I'd let MIL still spend a large amount (if she's able and wants to), but I'd try to redirect her efforts so that they don't interfere with your gift giving. How old is your DD? Maybe MIL would love to redecorate her bedroom for Christmas (new furniture and bedding)? Or maybe a Girls' Day Out with makeover at the salon, lunch, and tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet? Basically, I would recommend ideas that could still be over-the-top, but wouldn't ruin Santa's gifts.

 

[robinb]

Um, Robin, I don't think she was planning to give gifts to the kids from Santa after MIL gifted the same stuff just to be rude; that's not how it came across to me at all.

I was remarking on other's suggestions that the OP beat Mimi to the punch by giving Santa gifts that were on the list ahead of Mimi, thereby stealing her thunder and teaching her a lesson. I think that suggestion is rude. The OP said that Christmas Eve was at Mimi's house, so thankfully that idea is not even doable. Sorry if it appeared that I was calling the OP rude. I don't think she is .

 

[kaytieeldr]

Well, MIL asked "what is Maddie asking Santa for Xmas this year?" Guess what?!!?! DH told her!!! You guessed it, she then went out and bought everything. This would be nice if she then gave it to us or to "santa." But she keeps it for herself, and says it's all from her!!!

I apologize if this has already been suggested but, next year, either tell her the kids' Christmas lists consist of only socks and underwear; or a trip to Walt Disney World

 

[ilovejack02]

Wow, I wish you were my daughter! I have the opposite problem. My dd28 with 2 children expects me to buy everything for them at Christmas! She has a long, running list of things they "need" and want. She also has a long list for herself (as recepient).

It is her feeling that because I am the "Mom" and "Grandma" that I should be providing all this stuff. She feels that because I am financially secure that I should be spending it on her and the kids, and gets hurt if I don't live up to this.

My DGD lived with me for 18 months and I've taken her on trips etc. I've always been happy to help out. But! DD is now 28 and I'm starting to feel like the gravy train.

This year, I've decided to give horseback-riding lessons etc. that I know the children want and benefit from. Not "things" that end up in the bottom of the toy box!

Jenn

I think the lessons idea is wonderful!!! I dont know why adult kids act like this. I am a 33 yr old mom and I apperciate when my mom buys things but dont expect it. She was a big help in my early married days.. i was 23 DH26 with a 5 yr old stepson, we were just starting out so money was tight and she would buy my stepson lots of things. We so appreciate all she did for us and once we starting making good money she stopped and thats how it is supposed to be. Parents shouldnt have to provide for their kids and grandkids forever, its not their job!

 

[Schachteles]

Hmm I think if this is the only problem you have with your MIL, you should count your blessings!

I am with you on that...if you think that is a problem...PM me because I can give you some true horror stories with the inlaws...I wish that we had a fraction of that problem...my husbands parents (who are divorced) buy toys for my DH's 13 year old son from his first marriage, but do not acknowledge our daughters for their birthdays or Christmas!!!! Talk about sucking! And they buy DHs son EXPENSIVE toys...so really count your blessings!

 

[ogreenlee]

I was remarking on other's suggestions that the OP beat Mimi to the punch by giving Santa gifts that were on the list ahead of Mimi, thereby stealing her thunder and teaching her a lesson. I think that suggestion is rude. The OP said that Christmas Eve was at Mimi's house, so thankfully that idea is not even doable. Sorry if it appeared that I was calling the OP rude. I don't think she is .

That would be me.


I have a feeling that the only way OP is going to get her way is to "one-up" her MIL. Seems like she's tried and tried talking to her about it. I definitely wouldn't just sit back and watch my MIL ruin Santa during the small amount of time the kids have Santa to look forward to. You only get a good 4-5 years of Santa before it's all over and they realize that Santa is Mama.

But I do like the idea of lessons. Maybe I'll give my MIL and DM the majority of my toy list and put the money into dance lessons or My Little Gym memberships.

 

[spima3]

Ah, MIL's, can't live with them, and can't live with them!

I don't have the problem with the excessive gift giving. However, she did tend to get the stuff the kids really wanted from Santa, and I ended up getting them other stuff that was ok, and they were happy with it, but when the got to grandma's, it was the best. I did not want my kids experiencing that when they were little. It took the magic out of Christmas. So, I always buy my kids the "big" stuff that they really want and let her buy the lesser. I do this with my family as well. It works out great, the kids are thrilled with Xmas morning and then go to GM's where they get some more. As we only buy our kids 5 gifts each, they are thrilled with all their gifts from everybody.
If my DH or the kids tell her about the big stuff, I tell her I already bought it, and then give her another item. It has worked out well.
she always drove me nuts for the holiday/birthday parties, etc as well with bringing food no matter how often I told her not to. She would never bring enough, so I was either short or she would get offended if I had the same thing after she had already told me what she was bringing. I don't need the aggravation and wasn't going to end up divorced because of the disrespect she had for me, (and that is what it is). We had one big blowout at a party at our house and I seriously considered leaving my husband over it. (he always sides with his mom in that he doesn't see anything she does as a big deal and "I" over react.) So, I don't do ANY events at our house anymore.
It is fabulous. We go eat, spend some time, then get to leave and visit other family members I would rather spend the day with anyway. No clean up, no hassles, and if she isn't going to cook, we eat out. Win, win, all around.
Of course, it took 13 years to get this point, I'm a slow learner!
lori

 

[ogreenlee]

Either my MIL is on the Disboard, and I didn't know it... or her ears were burning, b/c she just called me.

She called to ask me to send over a Christmas list.

Shirley??? Is that you out there?

 

[DaisyD]

I would get my kids what I wanted to get them. I would make sure that the MIL didn't get to see the kids til after they opened your presents. My mom is also a big gift giver but she always gets what I tell her to. If MIL is having a get together before Christmas I simply wouldn't go.

 

[spima3]

Either my MIL is on the Disboard, and I didn't know it... or her ears were burning, b/c she just called me.

She called to ask me to send over a Christmas list.

Shirley??? Is that you out there?

Too funny.

lori