ARGHHH! Inlaws!

[dianeschlicht]

Well, SIL did it again! She always wants to take charge of every family gathering. It MUST be at her house and on her terms and she tells everyone what to bring etc. Now on the surface that sounds all right, BUT.... Every time we try to invite everyone, she finds a way to change it at the last minute so it is at her command. Sunday is MIL's 91st Birthday. Last year, we invited them all to our house for the 90th. About a week before SIL said it HAD to be at her house because...(can't remember the lame reason). This year, we made the invitation about a month ago and set the time etc. to be at our new house this Sunday. Today SIL called and said, "I think I'll just have the birthday again." Her "plan" is that they will have Grandma and other siblings for lunch, and then they will come out to our house to "see the place", and then all are invited back to her house for dinner. Oh, and BTW, could "you bring the cake and fresh fruits and vegetables again?" It was like she totally overlooked our invitation. I don't even feel like going!

 

[Winka]

This SIL is your DH's sister and the daughter of MIL? ON the one hand...maybe she's just trying to do as much a she can for her own mother seeing as how she is getting older ... (No offense meant...perhaps she is a very lively 90-something.)

What does MIL want...did you discuss with her first about having her party at your place? Maybe SIL does not want to put you out seeing as how you have just moved into a new house?

I'd discuss with SIL before losing it...maybe SIL doesn't realize she's coming off as controlling and rude.

 

[coliebird]

Can't you just be firm with her and say the invitations are already out, it's at our house, hope to see you there, bye.

 

[jeleebeene]

Not to be mean, but if I were you, I would have told her that if she doesn't want to come to your house as the invitation states, then she can stay at home. I would not let her keep doing this - but I can be a bit mean in situations like that, as I have dealt with it before.

You are the one who sent the invitations, so you are the only one who can change them - not someone else who thinks they have that authority. You planned this over a month ago - why should she change something you had planned on having at your house?

I would call her and tell her - it is at my house, and you can come if you want.

Sorry to be so mean - I have just experienced this type of person before, and there really is no way to be nice for them to get it.

 

[auntpolly]

You should speak up. It doesn't have to be a big confontation. Just say, "You know, I was planning the party at our house." Some people just push people around because they are pushy and people let them have their way. I think you'd be doing her a favor by (politely) standing up to her!

 

[dianeschlicht]

Yes, you have the scenario correct. The problem is that she does this every year. We did clear the arrangements with MIL before making the invitation, so that isn't the issue. It's kind of like when we tried to invite the whole family along to WDW to stay in our DVC with us. SIL said she wouldn't do that, because it would cost too much to fly down there. BIL and his family came, and then SIL and her family flew down to Florida anyway, but a month later and went to Fort Myers instead of WDW. It's just a typical move on her part. I just don't think invitations should be blown off that way.

 

[4greatboys]

Thats just out and out rude. I would tell her its going to be at your house.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It's a shame you couldn't have said, "We've already made plans to have the party here." It's always easier to know what to have said in hindsight though. I know. Been there many times.

It's hard dealing with difficult people. Often times I'm at a loss for words, because:

1.) I want to keep harmony. (usually at my expense)

2.) I'm not prepared to deal with it. Don't think that fast or just know it will cause a stir.

Is it too late to tell her you have already invited family to your place? Maybe ask her politely, did you forget? Can you tell her how you feel?

Is she jealous about your house?

I wouldn't want to go to her party either. I mean it's bad enough that she took it away from you, but to ask you to bring the party goods too is rather insulting.

I would go though. For your husband and MIL. I would probably tell her you couldn't bring the party goods though. I'd tell her you can bring some nuts ( mutter under your breath...because it reminds you of her ).

 

[dianeschlicht]

Originally posted by auntpolly
You should speak up. It doesn't have to be a big confontation. Just say, "You know, I was planning the party at our house." Some people just push people around because they are pushy and people let them have their way. I think you'd be doing her a favor by (politely) standing up to her!

Did that. She just said if it was at our house, her grown kids would not be able to attend, because they work until 3. I offered to change the time, but to no avail. I just don't even feel like going. The problem is that it is less than 48 hours from now!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Originally posted by dianeschlicht
Did that. She just said if it was at our house, her grown kids would not be able to attend, because they work until 3. I offered to change the time, but to no avail. I just don't even feel like going. The problem is that it is less than 48 hours from now!

Wow. Hard to believe someone can be like that!

Maybe you can come down with an ailment and do something special for MIL with just your family at a little later date.

 

[auntpolly]

I'd go -- it'll just make you look bad if you don't. But I'd come up with a really "good" reason why I couldn't bring the stuff she wants you to bring!

You're right -- she's evil.

 

[KarenC]

I think I'm probably the controlling and rude SIL. I really don't mean to be, but I wouldn't be surprised if I seem that way to my brother's wife.

First of all, I'm the oldest in our family. I am sure that I took care of my brothers and sisters for my mom far more times than she ever babysat for my kids. So I'm just kind of naturally in control when it comes to organizing family events. Been doing it a long time, like since I was born. The second thing is that our house is just more comfortable for entertaining than my brother's. We have enough places for everyone to sit. At my brother's, you have to sit on the floor. (Diane, I know your home is not in this category!)

So I do tend to host the family gatherings...I try not to be rude or controlling...but I'm not sure that isn't how some may perceive it.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Originally posted by KarenC
I think I'm probably the controlling and rude SIL. I really don't mean to be, but I wouldn't be surprised if I seem that way to my brother's wife.

First of all, I'm the oldest in our family. I am sure that I took care of my brothers and sisters for my mom far more times than she ever babysat for my kids. So I'm just kind of naturally in control when it comes to organizing family events. Been doing it a long time, like since I was born. The second thing is that our house is just more comfortable for entertaining than my brother's. We have enough places for everyone to sit. At my brother's, you have to sit on the floor. (Diane, I know your home is not in this category!)

So I do tend to host the family gatherings...I try not to be rude or controlling...but I'm not sure that isn't how some may perceive it.

She is NOT the oldest...DH is. She is the "baby" and used to getting her way.

 

[tiggerwannabe]

I gather if it's that close, your SIL already told everyone of her plans?...

Even tho you will be stewing over what she did,
I think you have to go to save face-don't you?

She's obviously hoping you'll help supply her party,
since you probably finished shopping for yours-

I would go, for the family..
Inform the hubby of his sister stepping on toes like that...
Keep the goodies for those who come "see" the house...
And smile knowing you are the bigger/better person for it...

Good Luck and try to enjoy yourself!

 

[WDSearcher]

Originally posted by auntpolly
I'd go -- it'll just make you look bad if you don't. But I'd come up with a really "good" reason why I couldn't bring the stuff she wants you to bring!

I agree with this!

Go to the party bring the veggie tray but nothing else. (I'd say don't bring anything, but I wouldn't be able to go to a party and not bring anything!) If SIL asks, "why didn't you bring the stuff I told you to bring?", just tell her that you decided to leave it at the new house so that people had something to munch on while they were "seeing the place." That way, you get to host dessert -- with cake and fruit -- at your new house, and she loses a bit of thunder. Plus, it'll keep everyone there a bit longer as well as giving everyone a reason to leave your SIL's place.

And, in the long run, maybe a "progressive dinner party" thing will become a new tradition.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Actually, I did decide to have the fruit tray at our house, but I WILL take the cake to her house. I don't want all of this to effect DMIL, so I'll go and keep my hurt feelings to myself. I hope I can convince DS and his SO to go too. They never feel welcome at DSIL house. SIL makes fun of their obesity behind their backs, and I think they sense it. They usually skip most family gatherings there.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Sorry! At least it's your in-laws! In my case, it's my immediate family...my sister. We were supposed to drive up today for her son's high school graduation party tomorrow. I was kind of looking forward to it. Haven't seen them in a couple years. Last night we got home and there was a message on the recorder. E-mail she sent me kept bouncing back to her...strange because I received it days ago! She also said that if I changed my mind and didn't come up this weekend, it's okay. Called back and left her a message that I was looking forward to it and we'd be there. It just irritated me after her e-mailing me a few days ago asking what time I plan to arrive and what time do I plan to leave the day we're ready to head back. Okay...I won't let the door hit me on the way out. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Last night's message was the icing on the cake. I just called about 10 minutes ago and left her a message with a little white lie. Oops! So sorry! Forgot about a swimming lesson and baseball thing tomorrow. So sorry...I thought it was next weekend for those things. Told her I'd drop dear nephew's card and gift in the mail. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'd really like to see my nephew!!! She's the one I have a problem with. And with boarding two dogs for the weekend just to be able to be there, I said forget it! Family! Ugh!

 

[RickinNYC]

I hate to say it but I suspect your SIL does this garbage because you let her. Say "absolutely NOT" and be as harsh as you'd like. It's clear that manners are not part of her life so get down to her level.

I guess if anyone were to do this to me, I'd tell them politely at first "no", then if that's didn't work I'd say "we'd love to have you but it's your choice whether you stay home," and if that didn't work, tell her to buzz off.

 

[dizagain]

WDSearcher...good answer!!! Like it!!

It's always hard, no matter how close families are, there's always "something". My SIL is very spoiled and manages to skip the majority of family get-togethers on the excuse that she's with HER family. Her husband, DH's brother, comes alone. I personally think she could make a little more effort to join the family...


Just put on a happy face, and be the wonderful DIL and even SIL that I can tell you are! Keep the goodies at YOUR house, though!
Good luck!

 

[WDSearcher]

Originally posted by Pin Wizard
I just called about 10 minutes ago and left her a message with a little white lie. Oops! So sorry! Forgot about a swimming lesson and baseball thing tomorrow. So sorry...I thought it was next weekend for those things. Told her I'd drop dear nephew's card and gift in the mail. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'd really like to see my nephew!!! She's the one I have a problem with.

In this case, I think you overreacted. You're, in effect, punishing your nephew -- who you said you really want to see -- because of this family feud you're having with your sister. It's the nephew's day, and it's now turned into something that's all about you and your sister. I hope your sis doesn't relate the whole message to your nephew. He might be really disappointed that you "forgot" his graduation and that a swimming lesson was deemed more important.