Are you happy?

[wdwfan16]

DH and I moved around when we were first married. From large cities to small towns. We found we liked and dislikes stuff about every place. We found that we were happy in all the towns because we are together.

Could you get a part time job to get some adult interactions. I have found that my SAHM friends tend to get down when they do not have enought adult interaction.

 

[Acklander]

Yes, I consider myself a happy person, and like some of the PP's, I don't get involved in the drama or gossip. I don't worry about "fitting in" or what others think about me. Instead, I do what I enjoy, think positive thoughts, and try to be a positive force. I guess I'm a happy person because I choose to be a happy person, does that make sense?
If you're feeling trapped where you are, you need an outlet. Maybe some on line courses? day trips? weekend getaways? If you really feel you need to move on, and DH is settled where he is maybe some type of compromise - rent out your place for a year or two while you guys try something different and then reassess after that couple of years is up which direction you want to head in.
I'm a bit of a gypsy so I understand the restlessness that comes when stagnant too long.

 

[wdwfan16]

I do get to do things for myself - I love to read, I work out, I have time to do these things, but the next largest city, is only one of 24,000 people, and it is an hour away - so even there, there is not much to do. DH and I definately need to do more things - we have never been good at doing things just for us, and that is probably part of my discontent - we have focused on the kids and not on ourselves - but there is just nowhere to go around here, even if we did sneak away. I would love to get a job somewhere when my dd4 starts school, but truly, there is not much opportunity for that either. I don't want dh to feel like he has to move bec. I'm not happy here, but I really don't think things will improve until we DO move - 10 years is a long time to try to make a place work. He does not love this town either, but he has a very good job (appraiser- he does'nt love it, but the $ is good and his office is in our home) and does'nt want to start over in the career department.

This is a tough one. You each have a valid reason for moving or staying. If you do move would you be willing to get a full time job to make up the income gap?

 

[tar heel]

What about volunteering? Not at your kids' school b/c that will put you with the same group of people. If you could find the right thing, it would give you a satisfying on-going experience and the opportunity to meet some new people at the same time. Almost all non-profits welcome volunteers.

 

[lattemomof3]

This is a tough one. You each have a valid reason for moving or staying. If you do move would you be willing to get a full time job to make up the income gap?

I would love to get a job - especially after my 4 year old goes to school - only 1 and 1/2 years until then. I would like to contribute to our income, and really, have something that is for me, I know I would not be happy staying home full time when all of the kids are in school - but first I am a mom, so I would love to find something that would work around the kids' schedules - I was a latchkey kid growing up, and I love being here when my 2 oldest get off the bus - in a larger town I KNOW I could find something that would work for us.

 

[lattemomof3]

What about volunteering? Not at your kids' school b/c that will put you with the same group of people. If you could find the right thing, it would give you a satisfying on-going experience and the opportunity to meet some new people at the same time. Almost all non-profits welcome volunteers.

Yep, I already do that. I'm on the board for the Parent-Child center in a town 30 minutes away - and I do love helping with that. I volunteer at school and pre-school too. I am telling you - I have been there, done that, truly tried everything I can think of to like it better here - I am NOT just complaining just for the sake of complaining - I have honestly tried meeting different people, volunteering, doing things for myself, etc, etc, etc. It feels so weird to post all of this - I think this may be the first time I've knowingly created some drama that is just about me - I feel like I want to apologize for being selfish - I just really needed an outlet for this and did'nt want to talk it over with anyone here - except DH - and I think he needs a break!

 

[kellyg403]

Well, honestly, I think it has to come from the inner you. I was a military brat who moved every two years. I married a military man and we moved around. I am originally from right outside of the DC Metro area. I used to think I hated it there. The traffic, the high cost of living etc. Within a year of moving to the place we live now in 1997 I hated it here in this small town. Nothing to do. Nada, Zip, Zilch, Zero. I ended up staying here when I divorced because the cost of living was reasonable and my kids were already in school with friends etc. The first year I was MISERABLE. Till one day I realized I made myself miserable. I found little positive things to say to myself everyday..like 'wow, I am glad I don't have to sit in 3 hours of traffic just to get to work' etc. Over time, I learned to love the little town I live in. Sure I still love the big city that I used to hate so much...but I now I am able to see the benefits of both. I just try to be more positive everyday.

In anticipation of going to work in a few years, why not spend some time taking some online course? Why not find something like photography that takes you out into the sunshine every single day? So many things. As for the drama and the gossip..I am a firm believer that it happens everywhere and how we react to it is important. I am not a gossiper and totally do not get into drama. 99, if not 100% of it is lies pure and simple. So, when someone starts on the gossip thing I just change the subject. I don't want to involve myself in any way shape or form. To my great surprise very few people talk ABOUT me...and if they do nobody tells me so I am in a win win situation. So maybe if you start changing the subject etc etc you will find the drama decreases. There has to be someone you will meet who believes in the same. I never knew who many people feel the same way I do!

Anyway, I do think happiness comes from within. Once we get in the cycle of negativity it can invade every aspect of our live. The best thing to do is find something positive everyday. It adds a sense of wellness and all is right with the world in my life. I don't stress over minor things because I appreciate the whole business of life..the ups and downs and struggles too.

Kelly

 

[monkeybug]

That's why I feel very guilty for feeling the way I do - I do know I am SO blessed to have a roof over my head, a healthy family - truly I do know that there are millions of people who would love to have my problems - that there are people facing illness, disease, abuse, poverty and job loss, etc. I really do not put myself in the drama - my friends always comment on how they are impressed that I can stay out of it - but being around it is still painful. When I see the things you mention are excuses (maybe you're right - that is why I'm trying to hash through all of this - to see if it's just ME or my circumstance), I can't help but think that a larger community could actually wipe out some of those problems. I know there will always be stresses in life - and maybe we'd be trading these kinds of stresses for bigger ones - not finding work, etc, but part of me thinks man, I would really love to try something else, somewhere else. I think there is a positive part of me that knows I'm not happy here, but it's possible I COULD be much happier somewhere else. And can I just say thanks to those who've posted, because believe me, I know what my posts sound like (poor rich girl who's complaining and not happy, wha wha), if I was truly that person this would not be bothering me so. Edited to add that I am the one who posted the "do you love where you live?" post over a year ago, I've been brewing over this for a long time, it's not just a sudden thing. And - for the record - we are Not rich - not by a long shot - we have a nice house but our area is very inexpensive to live in, and we save hard for our trips. DH and I both grew up with no money and our parents have never given us anything but love - which is why it is difficult to be in a town where everyone our age has been given a lot - and they act spoiled because of it.

Oh I totally agree that a change may be in order for you and your family. I love change. I thrive on it! (I've lived in 5 different houses over the past 2 years!!!)
I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with being unhappy with your circumstances, with out that what would propel us to make our lives better? I know people who think that happiness is accepting whatever you have and being happy with it because someone somewhere is worse off than you. Truly those people (the ones I know) aren't very happy at all!
I guess what I was saying is that you have to separate your circumstances from your happiness. There will always be things in life you would like to change, and you certainly should always at least try to change them, but being happy is a decision you make despite your circumstances. Often people let their circumstances make them negative, miserable, and bitter, but just as often people take similar circumstances and become positive, optimistic and joyful. It's not a matter of circumstance, it's a matter of perspective.

You should definitely try to change what you can change though!!! I think that is a very big key to happiness. It's a lot easier to be happy with your life if your steering the boat rather than drifting in the wind!!!

Benjamin Disraeli: Happiness Quotes
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.

Can you tell I'm a quote junkie?

 

[kellyg403]

You give some very good advice. One of the MAIN reasons I would love to move, is that in a town this small, bored, rich, stay at home moms seem to have nothing better to do than to create drama, and I am so TIRED of it. Honestly, if I just said "no more", and walked away from the people initiating the drama, this town is so small that I honesty would have no one to do anything with! And I would have to run into these people EVERY day, as our kids are all in the same things (no other choices for activities here). These people would be miffed at me not wanting to associate with them, and there are a few who would probably make my life miserable, making up stories behind my back, and even stories about my kids, etc. I think in a larger town we would be able to find some more "like minded" friends, there is simply a larger gene pool, and we would not be ostracized for not trying to fit in (or, if we did, we could find some other people to hang out with - as there would be more than just one or 2 small groups of people.

Honestly, my experience has been just the opposite! The drama queens thrive on making you a drama queen. It might get worse the first few times while they attempt to get you to join the Hate and Discontent Club but after that, they go away. You become the person they acknowledge and speak to but they don't go out of their way to be their friend. And that is o.k. It is better to be acquantinces with these people. You really don't want to be their friend anyway. And that bothers them..see everybody wants to be their friend kwim. They actually get bothered that you don't and become nicer. Its an odd change of events. But once they realize you don't play the game they play, well...then they play yours!

Kelly

 

[Feralpeg]

I believe some people are happier by nature than others, but I really think the key to happiness is your attitude. You have to work at happiness. Don't dwell on the negatives around you. Look for positives. Find things to do that you enjoy. They don't have to be major things. There must be something that you enjoy doing. Lasting happiness doesn't just fall in your lap.

 

[Tink888]

I can understand wanting to move someplace else and thinking you might be happier there. I don't really feel connected to the town I live in and honestly as I get older I think I'd like to be someplace with a warmer climate. However, living where I do doesn't make me particularly unhappy.

It kind of sounds from your posts like you tend to look at the glass as half-empty. Happiness is a state of mind, an attitude, a choice. IMHO you need to work on your attitude and the way you look at things. If you (general you) has an attitude of focusing on all the things that are wrong instead of what's right, it won't matter where you live or how much you have because there will ALWAYS be something wrong with it KWIM. A move might make you temporarily happy but eventually you'll find that things aren't perfect there either and find things wrong and tie your happiness to it.

Like another poster stated, happiness is internal, not external. Try to work on the internal changes before making external changes in your pursuit of happiness. Those are the ones that matter and what you'll take with you wherever you go. Other people, places, things, come and go......you are with you forever.

 

[BelleWDW]

OP-i do see your point

I live in the city I went to collge at & stayed.I love it here-prosperous, university, great schools, a huge supporter of the Arts(Opera, ballet, art)

Dh grew up 20 miles away-it might as well be a state away. It is a poor "blue collar" town, with a small circle of rich people (Doctors, lawyers etc)-but generally lower class people. Nowhere to eat except 2 chain restaurants-schools are bad-its just a miserable place-i'd NEVER live there.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Life is short, you don't like it there, try somewhere new. Ten years is enough to know it's not for you.

 

[disykat]

I think you have valild reasons for moving. It is perfectly reasonable to feel like your town is not a good "fit." Since you and your dh both sort of feel this way, start looking around for other options. Obviously you'll make the best of it until (if ever) you find another job situation etc. where it will be advantageous to move. There's no harm in looking.

My parents lived where I was born for only two years. They made some lifelong friends that they still keep in contact with, but overall they just weren't happy with the atmosphere there. Like you, they thought it was a "snobby" place and they just didn't feel like it was a comfortable fit for them. When they moved there they assumed they'd be there for a long time, but it just wasn't what they wanted. After seeking another job opportunity they moved and have been in that town for 45 years now.

You have spent 10 years living in a place you don't really like. It's not like you are constantly flitting from place desperately seeking what you don't have.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm very happy by nature. I think the trick is to be content with what you have and stop worrying about what other people think or do.

That said, of course your surroundings can be something you enjoy or not. We lived for a few long, miserable years in NJ, which just wasn't my thing. I wasn't an unhappy person when we lived there, but the day we moved out, I did the Snoopy dance.

 

[clovergirl5]

Just a for you op as I don't have any advice for you. I am struggling with many of the same things you are. I am definitely not a happy person by nature. I have been dealing with depression for many years.

I have everything that I could ever want, why would I feel this way. Anyone who would be in my place would be happy.
I think much of my problem is that I have been a sahm for 13+ years and feel like that is my identity. I want to be first and foremost a mom but I have lost myself completely. Dh is not supportive and thinks I make excuses.
I am looking forward to the day I can work and make my own money(that is our biggest issue). Can't wait to get out of my house which is starting to feel like a dungeon. When dd3 is in school full-time, I am going back to work and hopefully a lot of what I am feeling now, will resolve. Fingers crossed.

I was just telling dh last night, I wish we could move because I am not happy here. If we didn't have kids established in school and a big house on many acres which, if we tried to sell, would not get even close to what its worth or find or build again anything like this, for what we have paid. We would be stupid for selling this house. Kinda stuck, at least until the kids move out.

 

[lattemomof3]

Most of the people who know me would be surprised to see this post - I'm usually a smiling, upbeat person. I think dh can sense some discontent under the surface though, as can I. I have really appreciated the comments and mulled them over. I really think a lot of it is not fitting where we live, but I agree with those of you who say that happiness comes from the inside, not the external. I've been working on that the past few days, it really is amazing how you can shake yourself out the doldrums by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones (and just as easily go the other way and spiral downward with negative thoughts). We will plan a few short trips to feel out some new places and job opportunities, and in the meantime I will try to keep myself & my little family happy, and make it my New Years' resolution to limit my time with the drama queens, and when I have to be around them for kids activities, I'll try to keep the conversation positive, and excuse myself and get the heck out of there when the gossip starts. One great thing about kids - you always have an "out" - someone is always needing something, or needing to go somewhere.

 

[lattemomof3]

Just a for you op as I don't have any advice for you. I am struggling with many of the same things you are. I am definitely not a happy person by nature. I have been dealing with depression for many years.

I have everything that I could ever want, why would I feel this way. Anyone who would be in my place would be happy.
I think much of my problem is that I have been a sahm for 13+ years and feel like that is my identity. I want to be first and foremost a mom but I have lost myself completely. Dh is not supportive and thinks I make excuses.
I am looking forward to the day I can work and make my own money(that is our biggest issue). Can't wait to get out of my house which is starting to feel like a dungeon. When dd3 is in school full-time, I am going back to work and hopefully a lot of what I am feeling now, will resolve. Fingers crossed.

I was just telling dh last night, I wish we could move because I am not happy here. If we didn't have kids established in school and a big house on many acres which, if we tried to sell, would not get even close to what its worth or find or build again anything like this, for what we have paid. We would be stupid for selling this house. Kinda stuck, at least until the kids move out.

to you - I get what you mean about the identity loss. I've been a SAHM for 10 years, I have a college degree, but sometimes it feels like I don't know who "I" am anymore - the kids can really suck it right out of you. I too, will be ready to get a job, something that is "for me". There will, I think, also be a feeling of being lost for awhile - my youngest turned 4 today, and I'm not quite sure what I will do, or be, when I am not "wiping bottoms and noses". Good luck to you!

 

[PollyannaMom]

First question - yes, I'm a happy person, and these are my not-so-secrets:

Gratitude. One of the biggest keys to being happy is appreciating what you have. When something tough is happening in my life, I break out a journal in which I write, before bed each night, 5 things that I was grateful for that day (even if one of them is that it's over!) You will find that you notice things along the way, thinking "oh, I'll write this tonight" and it brightens your mood.

Image Diet. I limit upsetting TV - especially those case-file crime drama type shows. I want my world-view to be based on the good I see around me, not the bad someone made up. I also gave up watching the news a long time ago. I know some people would say that's irresponsible, as if I don't care what 's going on in the world, but I do read things. It's the ratings-grabbing over-and-over again pictures that you really want to avoid. They sink into your brain in a different way.

Balance. I find I'm happiest if I get some of what I want, but not too much of it. That sounds strange, I know, so I'll give an example: When I'm getting a lot of calls to work (I'm a substitute teacher) I tend to wish for time to take care of household taks, but if I get too much time off, I just get bored and kind of lazy about things. I really do best with a balance. It sounds like you're trying to do that with some volunteering and such. Is there a hobby you have always wanted to take up?


Second question (Does where you live matter?) - Yes and no. I've loved everywhere I've lived, and a part of that was paying attention to what I did love about each place. But I concede that there are places you just fit into best, and that it does add to the equation.


And my addition to the quote list -

May God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.


If you talk about it together, and the benefits of this move would outway the risks, for your family in total, I would just look around, not rush, but watch for the right opportunity to come along. In the meantime, concentrate on the good parts, and good luck!

 

[Stitchfans]

Did not read all the replies. No. I am not happy. I am totally miserable. I would love to get out of here! I hate this neighborhood! I hate this area! DH and DD insist on saying here.