Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[disykat]

I have to add on the SAHM thing.... a former boyfriend of mine from way back used to say he thought he'd be a great stay at home parent. We'd laugh that we could never get married because we'd fight about which one of us got to stay home. Through the grapevine I learned that he stayed home while his wife kept her career on track. Later he went back to school and is a teacher now. I say Kudos to him! Isn't "living the dream" what we all want?

I said earlier about how 1 1/2 jobs worked best for our family. Not just me, but DH too. If there was a way we both could have worked 3/4 time, we would probably have chosen that. I think it's all about freedom and flexibility.

One other thing that hasn't been mentioned much is finances. For us, living on one income (whether we had more income than that or not we always lived on one income so that would be a possibility) has given us a lot of freedom. At one point, DH was unhappy in his job and was going to quit and retrain while I worked. He didn't end up doing it, but it would have been possible for us.

When I recently retired early, part of it was because the money just felt weird. I know it sounds odd, but the kids were launched so other things (like more time to spend with my elderly parents) just matter so much more than a paycheck. Having an entire paycheck that was just going to go into savings, investments, and maybe a vacation or two just felt hollow compared to other things I could be doing.

 

[Colleen27]

@georgina I guess when something has been denied to generations of women in my country, Im more appreciative of the fact that there IS a choice now.

Choice, in my mind, means both options should be equally valid. That's not what I'm getting from your posts... It sounds to me like you think that because women only had one choice in previous generations, they should show their appreciation by only taking the other path now. That's not choice; it is swapping one externally-imposed expectation for another.

 

[SeeDisney]

Hello Erin.....I am on the complete opposite on your end. I have been a stay at home wife and mom for nearly 20 years now. I used to work as a secretary myself right out of high school until my first child was born when I was 29. My children are now at school....and I am BORED!!!!! bored, bored, just bored being a stay at home wife/mom. I am very very grateful that my husband's salary is high enough so we can live comfortably. I even tried to gain a little employment just a few hours a week here and there but NO ONE calls me back. I last worked in 1995 with no emails addresses. Back in the 80's and 90's, I remember being referred to several times "just a secretary" too but back then it didn't bother me at all...but now, it would. I would, however, never ever never go back full time, 40 hours a week, two weeks of vacations mode. NEVER! Way too controlling and I stayed home too long. Ever thought the grass is greener on the other side....I do.

 

[paisleys]

I'm a stay at home mom but I never planned to be so I feel awkward at times. Kids were a surprise and one of my twins had a lot of medical needs when born. I planned to go back to work but it just never happened with so many doctor appointments and hospitalizations. I know people who manage to work and get through that, but I feel very lucky to have had a choice not to. I always feel lesser compared to working moms, I idolize them so much. I 'compensate' by volunteering a lot at the school and doing a lot around the house, I am always in motion. As my kids have gotten older I get more questions 'so now are you going back to work??" and 'what will you do all day??". Annoying. My favorite recent question 'Did you ever work??" Umm yes, I actually came within a couple of hours of having them at my desk!
I don't get the 'mommy wars'. I admire working moms because they do it all and it's a great example for their kids. By volunteering at the school, I am trying to set a good example for mine so they can see me 'working'. We are all just doing the best we can.

 

[powellrj]

I guess I am now. I am a disabled SAHW. I really can't do any of the things I had planned to do when I retired, so I am not sure if I would be consided a SAHW. Just a SAH since I can't do housework kind of things.

 

[katie01]

Isn't this kind of like the question about "if you won the lottery, would you continue to work?" Some say absolutely yes, others say no way. For those who have a spouse making enough money to live on, saying their spouse doesn't need to work and they don't mind being the breadwinner, isn't it the same as a lottery winner saying they will quit work? Why is it socially acceptable for a lottery winner to quit work to be with their kids full time, or do volunteer work, or pursue a hobby, or travel, but not ok in the other scenario? Is it because people feel it's unfair to a working spouse? Even when that breadwinner says, "Really, it's totally fine, I love having you be able to stay home and take care of the house or yard or kids or grandkids or pets or whatever?

 

[Magpie]

Isn't this kind of like the question about "if you won the lottery, would you continue to work?" Some say absolutely yes, others say no way. For those who have a spouse making enough money to live on, saying their spouse doesn't need to work and they don't mind being the breadwinner, isn't it the same as a lottery winner saying they will quit work? Why is it socially acceptable for a lottery winner to quit work to be with their kids full time, or do volunteer work, or pursue a hobby, or travel, but not ok in the other scenario? Is it because people feel it's unfair to a working spouse? Even when that breadwinner says, "Really, it's totally fine, I love having you be able to stay home and take care of the house or yard or kids or grandkids or pets or whatever?

I think it's because when you win a lottery, that money is viewed as yours. So, you're just independently wealthy and living on your own funds. But when you "win" a spouse who supports you, that money isn't viewed as being yours. Instead, you're looked upon as a leech, a sponge, a fool who is risking ruin by trusting someone else to provide for them financially.

There's even the added implication that you must be lazy, or unmotivated, or ungrateful for the advances women have made, if you decide to eschew participation in the workforce. Because an intelligent women would be bored silly spending "all day at home".

A lottery winner is lucky. A stay-at-home wife should be ashamed of herself.

 

[Wendy31]

I think marriage is a partnership, & how that partnership looks differs from marriage to marriage.

In some marriages, both spouses work outside of the home because that's what works best for their families. In other marriages, only one spouse works outside of the home because that's what works best for their families. Neither is better than the other - just different.

I guess I'm fortunate in that my DH has never made me feel lazy or selfish or acted as if I'm not contributing enough since I don't work outside of our home. I don't get an allowance. I don't have to ask him for permission to spend money. We are partners. It's not his money - it's our money, & we work together in different ways to make our family & home successful.

I'm not fearful that DH will leave me & have never felt like I have ever needed my own finances "just in case". And we have prepared for the future in the event that something ever happened to either one of us (disability or death).

I don't feel like my college education has gone to waste. I don't feel like I'm betraying the women who have gone before me; instead, I'm thankful for their examples & for the sacrifices they made to ensure that women of my day have choices.

 

[LJSquishy]

I'm a 32 year old housewife with no kids. I quit my job around 6 months after getting married. I have my AA degree but stopped just before enrolling at a 4yr school because I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Unfortunately, like you, we haven't been able to have kids (we've been married for 11 years and have had multiple miscarriages). Our plan was to adopt and we had been saving money for that over the past 5 years or so but now that I'm almost 33 and my husband is 37, we're undecided if we will end up adopting or not. The longer we've been without kids, the more we question if we're content with the way things are or not. Most of this is due to the extensive process of adopting (home studies, promoting ourselves, getting chosen, etc) and with a cost of $25,000+ we have to think about the financial impact it will have on us. We're also considering just being foster parents without adopting, or foster-to-adopt if the right placement came along.

Anyway, no, most people are not truly supportive of our decision to have me stay home. Sure, some days I sit around a bit and relax, but most days I'm running errands, cleaning, doing yard work, etc. My husband has a well-paying career and works typical Mon-Fri hours...I may not work for 8hrs in a row, but I don't get to clock out in the evening or on weekends. Meals still need to be served, laundry piles up, etc. I make almost everything from scratch so cooking is very time consuming, and my husband now works from home (which I love) which means he's also here all day getting things dirty (bathrooms, dishes, etc) and eating lots of meals.

I think at times my husband does wish I would have worked all these years...we could get projects done quicker, travel more, save more...but this was also never the plan. We would have had a 9-10 year old child right now if my first pregnancy was to term. Had I known we wouldn't have children, I would have worked. I don't possess any useful job skills now and we're both pretty happy with our decision for me to stay home.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

The proper answer to "What do you do all day?" is "Whatever I want."

 

[Colleen27]

Isn't this kind of like the question about "if you won the lottery, would you continue to work?" Some say absolutely yes, others say no way. For those who have a spouse making enough money to live on, saying their spouse doesn't need to work and they don't mind being the breadwinner, isn't it the same as a lottery winner saying they will quit work? Why is it socially acceptable for a lottery winner to quit work to be with their kids full time, or do volunteer work, or pursue a hobby, or travel, but not ok in the other scenario? Is it because people feel it's unfair to a working spouse? Even when that breadwinner says, "Really, it's totally fine, I love having you be able to stay home and take care of the house or yard or kids or grandkids or pets or whatever?

I do think there's an element of that, along with an assumption that everyone other than the independently wealthy needs/can use more money. So a lotto winner isn't giving up anything important by quitting his or her job, but a SAH spouse is forgoing a more comfortable retirement fund or a nicer house or less/no student loan debt for the kids - all those things people have no problem judging others for not devoting enough of their resources to.

 

[LJSquishy]

I also wanted to add that in order for me to stay at home, we've had to make some sacrifices due to having one income, but we've also gained so much -- priceless things, like extra time together. We live within our means and budget for the things we want. I don't feel like we ever go without...it's all about smart budgeting for us. I much prefer the lifestyle we have now over one where we're both working all ofvvthe time and only see each other on weekends or at the dinner table. I feel very fortunate that my husband is able to financially provide for us as I know it's not necessarily something everyone can do.

 

[sk!mom]

less/no student loan debt for the kids - all those things people have no problem judging others for not devoting enough of their resources to.

I'm not judging anyone but for me this was the #1. If I hadn't already been working so that we could travel more and live comfortably, I'd have gone back to pay for college. I could not have been at home while debt was piling up for my kids. That would have been too stressful for me but I'm the stressy type.

 

[Planogirl]

@georgina I guess when something has been denied to generations of women in my country, Im more appreciative of the fact that there IS a choice now.

I understand what you're saying. When you are told that you can't do something then that forbidden activity often becomes more appealing. The preference is choice and these women weren't given a choice.

 

[disykat]

I'm not judging anyone but for me this was the #1. If I hadn't already been working so that we could travel more and live comfortably, I'd have gone back to pay for college. I could not have been at home while debt was piling up for my kids. That would have been too stressful for me but I'm the stressy type.

I know a lot of 2 working parent families whose kids have student debt and quite a few 1 parent working families whose kids have none. In my case, I worked to keep my kids debt free and was able to do so easily because we'd never counted on my income. IMO, whether there are two working adults or one in a family doesn't matter as much as the way they choose to handle their finances. We can't make assumptions about those choices based only on how many wage earners there are.

 

[Planogirl]

As for me I stayed at home for a while and worked for a while when DS was young. I had lousy jobs but I preferred working at least part-time. I became too bored if I stayed home the whole time. I respect that others have different wants and needs and it's nice that we can all decide for ourselves.

 

[CdnCarrie]

[QUOTE="LJSquishy, post: 58178885, member: 397928" Our plan was to adopt and we had been saving money for that over the past 5 years or so but now that I'm almost 33 and my husband is 37, we're undecided if we will end up adopting or not. The longer we've been without kids, the more we question if we're content with the way things are or not. Most of this is due to the extensive process of adopting (home studies, promoting ourselves, getting chosen, etc) and with a cost of $25,000+ we have to think about the financial impact it will have on us. We're also considering just being foster parents without adopting, or foster-to-adopt if the right placement came along.

[/QUOTE]

I find this confusing. Wouldn't you working have made the saving for the adoption a lot quicker? The $25,000 could easily have been earned in one year of working if you went from not working to working. Sorry this jumped out a me as I read your response.

Not specific to the above quoted post - I think there is a difference between SAHP and SAHW. One is raising children and one is not. This thread is about the latter not the former.

And about Ireland's married women not being able to work until the 1970s - fascinating. I never knew that. Wow. My grandmother worked from the time her kids were in school until her retirement around age 60. That was in the 1950s onwards. She was a married women. My grandfather was just never a big earner.

 

[E&Cmom]

I was a SAHM for over 10 years and went back to work full time over a year ago. As my kids are getting older I wanted to do something for my self again and was getting over being at home. I am an RN but maintained a non practicing licence the whole time I was away. I still had a do a refresher course and knew that if I waited too long would have to go back and do my degree. I have a diploma in nursing and a degree in Biology from before so I have done enough schooling.

My goal is to go part time if a position I like becomes available but must admit it like my paycheque and benefits. Even though DH earns a good salary I can plan trips and not feel as guilty now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I was a SAHM for over 10 years and went back to work full time over a year ago. As my kids are getting older I wanted to do something for my self again and was getting over being at home. I am an RN but maintained a non practicing licence the whole time I was away. I still had a do a refresher course and knew that if I waited too long would have to go back and do my degree. I have a diploma in nursing and a degree in Biology from before so I have done enough schooling.

My goal is to go part time if a position I like becomes available but must admit it like my paycheque and benefits. Even though DH earns a good salary I can plan trips and not feel as guilty now.

Yes that is nice. I am not working now and hope to add to our income soon.

 

[Poohforyou]

I come from a long line of independent women. My great grandmother went to college in late 1800s/early 1900s. Sadly, I also come from a long line of women who were widowed and left to raise children on their own (including my mom who was widowed at 40 with 4 young children).

I think my history has made me be the type of person who doesn't want to be dependent on someone else for survival. I get staying home for a few years with young children but not having the means to support myself, and my child, if needed scares me too much. Plus, I like working.