Are we horrible parents?

[kwitcherkicken99]

Another one for no set schedule. Both our kids went down around the same time each day but it was never, "okay it's 7, sleep".

Right now, the kids are 3 and 1. Our DD1 puts herself to bed around 8:15, wakes up anywhere between 8-8:30. She naps around 11 each day for around 2 hours.

DS3 crashes around 9:30 give or take 30 minutes and gets up around 9:00 each day. He does not nap.

 

[heatherleigh]

Gosh, I don't think that would qualify you as a "horrible" parent. I think people these days are too quick to label parents w/ those extremes. There's a lot worse things a parent can do.

I know my MIL doesn't appreciate the schedule I have my two girls on (they're not school age yet). She is always making comments about how I'm doing them a disservice, and it isn't natural for small children to be up so late, etc. I figure that they're well-loved, clean, and taken care of, so I really don't care what she says. It is what works for us.

I had my boys on the later schedule too until they started school. Kids are so adaptable- they were able to slide right into the earlier schedule as easy as can be.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

OK - here's the thing. My kids were on a schedule. A bit less so now that they're 6 and 7 but they still go to bed between 8 and 8:30. I know a ton of people who were schedule-less and honestly if it works for you and the kids aren't overtired or whatever due to staying up til all hours, it is fine.

A couple of comments though:
1) When you invite over friends for a 'glass of wine' and then your kids are up with the adults and the Disney CHannel is on and then they get overtired and are crying at 10pm - this is not fun for those you invited. Don't get me wrong- if you invite my FAMILY over - no problem. But if you invite the ADULTS over and I get a sitter, I make the assumption that it is an adult evening and don't really enjoy getting the opposite. I love having my kids on a schedule so that I CAN easily invite adults over for some 'grown up' time after the kids are in bed.
2) If you choose to let your child go to bed 'whenever he/she is tired' that is fine - but please don't act like those of us whose kids go to bed att 8:00 just 'happened upon' kids who miraculously go to bed on their own early. This was work and discipline to get to this place. I get so many 'WOW - I WISH I could get my kids to go to bed like that!' comments ALL the time (esp. when they were like 3 and 4). And I'm like 'well...you ARE the parent, if you REALLY want it, then you can do it (with time and effort and discipline)'. So while I don't have a problem for those who really DON'T want this. Don't just let the kids go to bed 'whenever' but then complain and 'wish' that it was otherwise - it IS in YOUR control to do so (in most cases, I'm sure there are special needs, etc. when this is not the case). And, IMO, if you think that at sometime in the future you might want this - it is MUCH easier to start at a young age.
3) Babysitters LOVE working for me! I know many neighbors they do not say 'yes' a lot for. My kids easily go to bed, know the routine, and the sitter then gets paid for watching TV for a couple hours after.
4) When I'm not feelign great or just had a bad day - those extra hours I get when the kids are in bed are invaluable. Just to veg OR to go to bed early myself. I can't imagine having to stay up with them on some nights!
5) Our high school bus comes around here at 6:30...I figure my kids will no longer be going to bed at 8:30 by then - but really - many high schoolers I know go to bed at 11 - 12. Now I'm not to this point yet but my current thinking is that this will NOT be the norm in my house. I really think most kids in order to perform their best, need at least 8 hours of sleep. So it's good that they know now that I determine the bedtime - cuz I still want it to be reasonable when they have to wake up at 6am on weekdays.

I still remember my good friend coming over when dd was about 9 months or so...and hearing her coo and talk in the baby monitor my friend said 'oh - doesn't sound like she's tired, can i go get her and bring her out to play?' and I said 'How am I ever going to teach her that 8:00 is bedtime if I don't actually have her go to bed at 8:00?'. So I started early. Is it always perfect?? NO WAY! We have our 'scared' nights and bad dreams and the rest. But the majority of the time it is VERY GOOD.

Sorry if my question offended you. I asked only because I really didn't know. I guess i feel like its selfish to make her go to sleep at a certain time just because I want her to. We love being around her. She is always happy and content, unless shes hungry. I would never do what you described above in terms of the party situation! That's just being rude to all parties. As for everything else you stated i apologize if you misunderstood. I'm not judging anyone in fact your reply and many other her have helped me to see that a schedule isn't for my family. I just wanted to see why people do place a schedule so early.

If it's not broke don't fix it" right?

 

[Zeebs]

Good for you for following your instincts.

My kids have a schedule now they are 4 and 2 because they need it to ensure they get all the sleep they need otherwise I have two very tired cranky children.

But we drove ourselves crazy in the early days of my first when all the books I read said feed 3 hourly, nap for this amount of time etc etc etc. With my second so much easier did it when he wanted. (that and the fact that when he hollered I fed him as it gave me an excuse to sit down and my 2 year old was happy with his special box of toys he got when I was breastfeeding)

I plan to follow similar route with third if that is way they want to go.

We followed our home schedule at Disney because my kids, as I mentioned before, when they get tired or hungry they get cranky and then I get cranky not fun for anyone. We enjoy our trips as much as the next person just because we don't do late nights every night doesn't make it wrong.

Kirsten

 

[JUJU814]

I had a schedule for all three of my kids. The last two were more regimented. They would go to bed at 6-7 as infants and sleep 12 hour nights. I nursed them too. Obviously, when they were small infants they would wake a couple of times in the night. Usually I would get them up at 11-12 for a change, feeding and snuggle before putting them down.

It worked for us. My last child I was more loosey goosey with. She was a different kid and more demanding, and that was fine.

It never kept us from special occasions or vacations. I had to be flexible. I wasn't going to leave a family get together because junior had to be in bed by 6, but as a general rule, they were sleepy by that time.

Now, they are 6 and 8..the young ones, and they go to bed at 8pm, but they have to get up early for our current schedule.

We used to homeschool and oh MY the debates that would go on about which method was "better". Good grief! LOL

Sometimes I think I would love to have just one more so I could finally just do what comes naturally to US and IGNORE all the other advice and judgements.

Live and learn..older and wiser..right?

A schedule worked for us and our lifestyle. I have no other philosophical ideas about it.

Sometimes I see people out at walmart at 11pm with toddlers who, IMO, look exhausted and I often wondered why on earth they would do that..but decided I don't know them, their situation, and it's really none of my business.

 

[Hannathy]

Forgot to add that we are a family of night owls. So my babies were routinely up until 11PM. My kids now are up late. I don't like getting up early so for me I would much rather have a baby up and awake at 11 PM than 6 AM so do how it fits your inner clock.

Plus my DH worked usually till about 6 so if I put them to bed at 7 or 8 they would hardly spend any time with him. When they don't go to bed till 10 or later then he is able to spend a lot of time with them.

 

[kpm76]

Sorry if my question offended you. I asked only because I really didn't know. I guess i feel like its selfish to make her go to sleep at a certain time just because I want her to. We love being around her. She is always happy and content, unless shes hungry. I would never do what you described above in terms of the party situation! That's just being rude to all parties. As for everything else you stated i apologize if you misunderstood. I'm not judging anyone in fact your reply and many other her have helped me to see that a schedule isn't for my family. I just wanted to see why people do place a schedule so early.

If it's not broke don't fix it" right?

I can't answer for the poster you were responding to (though I do agree with everything she said) but I think there were a few posters on this thread that insinuated that their "no schedule" philosophy guaranteed that their kids are/would be flexible and able to adapt to any situation, which makes those of us who have a routine react in defense. There is no right or wrong way in terms of schedule/no schedule as long as your kids don't suffer. We have all seen parents push their kids beyond their limits because they (the parents) wanted to go to dinner at 8pm while the kid was exhausted. Yes, I developed a routine early on with DD but it was because I was taking cues from her. Once we settled into a schedule, I kept to it because I realized that was what was best for her. Recently, my mom convinced me to skip DD's nap so we could go shopping. Well, by 3pm she was way overtired and actually asking to go home to take her nap. I turned to my mom and said "see, this is why I stick to her schedule." What I did was not fair to DD because she needed the sleep. Does that make her inflexible? I don't think so. We have traveled all over the place with her since she was an infant and she adapts to different time zones without a hitch. During her waking hours, we can pretty much do anything with her and she is well behaved (for the most part). Having a routine does not mean a kid is not flexible; the two are not mutually exclusive. What works for us certainly does not work for everyone. You have to find what works for your family and go with it.

 

[brymolmom]

Sorry if my question offended you. I asked only because I really didn't know. I guess i feel like its selfish to make her go to sleep at a certain time just because I want her to. We love being around her. She is always happy and content, unless shes hungry. I would never do what you described above in terms of the party situation! That's just being rude to all parties. As for everything else you stated i apologize if you misunderstood. I'm not judging anyone in fact your reply and many other her have helped me to see that a schedule isn't for my family. I just wanted to see why people do place a schedule so early.

If it's not broke don't fix it" right?

I wasn't offended at all - so all is good here. I was just putting out there some considerations from the 'other side' if you choose to go with no schedule (which it sounds like you are going to). Like I said - I am all for doing what works for your family. I just wanted to point out some of the 'sticky' points that I'm happy I avoided by doing the opposite. I think we each get so 'used to' our own ways (even that's no schedule) that it's easy to forget, like my friends who comment that they wish they could have it the way I do. I want to say (and try to without being rude) - step back and take a look - this IS something you could do if you choose to. Both ways ARE choices - whether it be not to have a schedule or to do so - we are all opting to do whichever we do. Sometimes, however, by NOT making a choice some families are 'thrown into' the un-scheduled (because doing the routine/schedule takes different rules, considerations, behaviors) way of things and sometimes it is not because it is what they WANTED, it is because they didn't want to take the time and energy to do the schedule. So you end up with people who do not have a good setup for their family.

Anyway - just wanted to give you, who is making an informed choice, some of the points that might help you choose appropriately.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

I can't answer for the poster you were responding to (though I do agree with everything she said) but I think there were a few posters on this thread that insinuated that their "no schedule" philosophy guaranteed that their kids are/would be flexible and able to adapt to any situation, which makes those of us who have a routine react in defense. There is no right or wrong way in terms of schedule/no schedule as long as your kids don't suffer. We have all seen parents push their kids beyond their limits because they (the parents) wanted to go to dinner at 8pm while the kid was exhausted. Yes, I developed a routine early on with DD but it was because I was taking cues from her. Once we settled into a schedule, I kept to it because I realized that was what was best for her. Recently, my mom convinced me to skip DD's nap so we could go shopping. Well, by 3pm she was way overtired and actually asking to go home to take her nap. I turned to my mom and said "see, this is why I stick to her schedule." What I did was not fair to DD because she needed the sleep. Does that make her inflexible? I don't think so. We have traveled all over the place with her since she was an infant and she adapts to different time zones without a hitch. During her waking hours, we can pretty much do anything with her and she is well behaved (for the most part). Having a routine does not mean a kid is not flexible; the two are not mutually exclusive. What works for us certainly does not work for everyone. You have to find what works for your family and go with it.

No it does not make her unflexable. In my observation of "schedule" children it seems that the time is also associated with a location. In that scenario I hope that my dd would ask to take a nap in her stroller and be just as happy there sleeping as she would be anywhere else.
It works for you and I'm happy your children are happy with it.

 

[wildeflowers]

Haven't read all the pages.

Both of my children regulated themselves very easily after a few months. What I mean by that is, I didn't "schedule" them, but they were on a very predictable schedule which they regulated themselves. It was sooooo much easier than trying to force a schedule that was contrary to their needs. Bedtime, naptime and feeding times were all very easy for me to work around because I knew when they would happen. So I would say based on your first post that you are on a schedule, but it is one that works for you and your baby. I do believe that most (not all, obviously) children will automatically regulate to some sort of routine by 4-6 months if the family routine is fairly stable. I think that most people who consider themselves "schedulers" are just doing the same thing, but they may view it in a different way than I do. I think very few people put their children to bed at 7 pm if they are not tired.

I would say that as long as your child(ren) are getting enough sleep, then you are fine.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

I wasn't offended at all - so all is good here. I was just putting out there some considerations from the 'other side' if you choose to go with no schedule (which it sounds like you are going to). Like I said - I am all for doing what works for your family. I just wanted to point out some of the 'sticky' points that I'm happy I avoided by doing the opposite. I think we each get so 'used to' our own ways (even that's no schedule) that it's easy to forget, like my friends who comment that they wish they could have it the way I do. I want to say (and try to without being rude) - step back and take a look - this IS something you could do if you choose to. Both ways ARE choices - whether it be not to have a schedule or to do so - we are all opting to do whichever we do. Sometimes, however, by NOT making a choice some families are 'thrown into' the un-scheduled (because doing the routine/schedule takes different rules, considerations, behaviors) way of things and sometimes it is not because it is what they WANTED, it is because they didn't want to take the time and energy to do the schedule. So you end up with people who do not have a good setup for their family.

Anyway - just wanted to give you, who is making an informed choice, some of the points that might help you choose appropriately.

Thanks. We would take the time if it was worth it I guess but in the end it's just not right for the three of us.

 

[Suellen]

Our daughter is 15 wks and we don't have a "schedule". She goes to sleep when shes ready, which is about 9pm, and wakes up at around 5 or 6. Nap-time happens whenever she falls asleep. We just don't see why people put there kids to bed at 6 pm? Can someone clue me in?

We never scheduled our kids. We fed on demand and slept on demand. They eventually develop their own little schedules.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I know good parents that have strict routines, and good parents that have no routines!

We have always been somewhere in the middle BUT I was home with the child or had mamaw keeping the child so routine was not too important. Both boys did like a routine and pretty much set one for themself and we gently tried to stick to it.

You child however is in day care. When others share in the care of your child, sometimes you have to accomidate things differntly. At 15 weeks, they should pretty much be sleep/feed on demad, but before long, she will have to adjust to the day care's schedule. If they do a morning nap at say 9:00, it is going to hard for her to stay awake till then if she only slept 7 or 8 hours the night before. Same with feedings. If she is allowed to graze at home ( maybe not a bad thing) but has to adjust to a 3 hour routine at day care, it may be very hard on her and the care givers.

I guess, I very much believe in a family doing what is best for them, but when others are caring for your child a large part of the time, you have to sometimes be willing to do things differntly.

Whatever works, enjoy her..this time flies!!!!

 

[kpm76]

No it does not make her unflexable. In my observation of "schedule" children it seems that the time is also associated with a location. In that scenario I hope that my dd would ask to take a nap in her stroller and be just as happy there sleeping as she would be anywhere else.
It works for you and I'm happy your children are happy with it.

Keep in mind that scheduled or unscheduled, some kids are stroller nappers and others are not. DD has never been a stroller napper, even when she was an infant. She will be 3 next month and loves riding in her stroller and hardly ever fights me on riding in it, but it's just not a place for sleep for her. She will sleep on any bed or couch though so we often visit family and friends and if it's naptime she's fine to crawl into someone else's bed. So much of parenting is trial and error and we all find at some point what works and what does not

 

[kandb]

Do what works for you. Who cares what everyone thinks. Linda

 

[ToyStoryBo]

If it's working for you, then continue doing what you're doing!!

I have 5 kids, and never had a "schedule" either.....the baby slept when he needed to sleep. I had friends who insisted on a schedule and it ruled their lives...they couldn't go anywhere in the morning because Jr needed his morning nap, then they couldn't go anywhere in the afternoon because Jr needed his afternoon nap.....ugh. If we were at the mall and baby needed a nap, he slept in the stroller. Just do what works for you and baby, and don't worry what others do or say.

 

[Samar]

Nope, you're not horrible parents but it's more doable with 1 child than 2 or more With DS, I did everything on his schedule and it worked o.k. However when DD #1 came along, that just wasn't flying anymore because they were on opposite schedules and I needed sleep

It is nice to have the child on somewhat of a schedule so you can look at the clock and go "Oh, baby needs this" or "Baby needs that" and save the guesswork. It's also good for when you leave the baby with someone and hand the person a rough schedule of things for feeding/napping times

FWIW, all of my kids wake up around 7am and go to bed at 7pm on an average night (soccer season is pushing this to 7:30pm). It's heavenly

 

[mjkacmom]

Keep in mind that scheduled or unscheduled, some kids are stroller nappers and others are not. DD has never been a stroller napper, even when she was an infant. She will be 3 next month and loves riding in her stroller and hardly ever fights me on riding in it, but it's just not a place for sleep for her. She will sleep on any bed or couch though so we often visit family and friends and if it's naptime she's fine to crawl into someone else's bed. So much of parenting is trial and error and we all find at some point what works and what does not

This is a very valid point. Just because a baby will sleep in the stroller doesn't mean a toddler or preschooler will. Same with carseats. Some of my kids could fall asleep in the carseats and be transferred into the crib, some would not, and a 5 minute nap would take the edge off enough that they wouldn't nap when we got home, but they'd be cranky. I'd have sibling in charge of keeping them awake until we got home! Every child is different, and they change.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well....

No, you are not horrible. I pretty much let my kids dictate under 6 months what their schedule will be. That's just been my experience with my brood and what works.

There will come a time where scheduling becomes of necessity.

I.e., you realize that your little babe wakes up at 3am on the nose b/c they are constantly following asleep and staying asleep very early.

You realize that without a nap, they are heck on wheels to deal with around dinner time, inconsolable and unappable and unfeedable.

You realize many things. When I realize that baby is on a consistent schedule--then I shoot for keeping it consistent. If it is consistently bad--around that age 6 months, I start "some" routine that gets us to some goal that baby at 18 months isn't rocking the nighttime hours when the rest of the household is asleep.

I've been blessed that all of my children, thus far...are excellent for falling aslpee when they are tired as infants and after a few tests transfers, I can move them from one location to another.

 

[maryloubsw]

Our daughter is 15 wks and we don't have a "schedule". She goes to sleep when shes ready, which is about 9pm, and wakes up at around 5 or 6. Nap-time happens whenever she falls asleep. We just don't see why people put there kids to bed at 6 pm? Can someone clue me in?

With our first child we did the go with the flow thing (9-9:30bedtime, got up around 9-9:30 for the morning), she slept with me, we breastfed I was a stay at home mom, and now shes 4 has an 8-8:30p bedtime, doesn't get up in the night at all and sleeps in her own bed since age 3. Soooo don't let people scare you with their rigidity. My almost 2 yr old also slept with me til she was 13 mths old, and she now sleeps in her own bed from 7:00pm to 6:00am almost every night. My older one is more nocturnal and the little one is more of a morning "person". Do whatever fits for you! I personally couldn't stand to hear my kids cry when you're trying to "get them on a schedule"