Are we being selfish?

[tar heel]

One of the smartest things dh and I ever did was to tell both our parents that we would be building our own Christmas traditions. Our oldest child is 20 and Santa has never come anywhere except our house. We usually invite my parents to come down on Christmas Day and we often take vacation and visit his parents after Christmas.

I guess dh and I set the groundwork for this when we chose to get married where WE lived instead of the place I grew up. We weren't children and it just didn't make sense to have a wedding attended mostly by people he didn't know and people I hadn't seen in years.

 

[Sandy V.]

You are not being selfish at all. I firmly believe that we owe it to our OWN children to create family memories.

Spending time with extended family is also important, but that doesn't mean they have to dominate every holiday.

When our kids were younger and closer to their cousins, we used to have 2 Christmases, one at my in-laws 600 miles from our home and then upon our return, we would open the presents that "Santa" had left in our absence. I absolutely hated it - my in-laws are very nice people and treat us wonderfully, but my mother-in-law's parents were mean and stingy people (they never gave her Christmas presents as a child - she had to lie to the kids at school about what she got), and MIL still carried the "baggage" from that as an adult. For my MIL, Christmas was something to be endured, not enjoyed. It isn't my MIL's fault, but it certainly dampened the holidays.

So, we started celebrating Christmas at home and visiting relatives at times other than holidays. It made our lives far easier, less stressful, and Christmas much more joyous. We've spent Christmas at WDW, in Mexico, on a cruise, and this year, we'll be in Australia.

The relatives may not always like it, but they know better than to complain about it because we've stressed that since our kids will only be with us for a short time, we want to create as many family memories as possible.

At the end of my life, I want albums full of photos and a head full of memories.

 

[Chattyaholic]

Well, you have to do what you feel is right for you. Personally I could never be away from my family on Christmas Day. To me, a major part of Christmas is "family" and that means my parents and our children. Even when we are able to start spending our winters in a warmer climate, we will fly home for a week at Christmas and then go back. There is no way I want to spend Christmas with just DH and I and not the rest of our family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I used to feel that way. Our family structure has fallen apart. I used to heave it onto my back, not anymore.

 

[FINFAN]

Well, MIL wins again! Well sort of.....we are still making the trip, but our time is cut short as me MUST be back and at the dinner table by 5 p.m. Xmas day...or we will be sent nasty letters and phone calls like the LAST time we were 20 minutes late. (I am not kidding...we were harrasses for our "rude and selfish" behavior for over a year!) We are going 12/18-12/25....our flight out on the 25th departs @ 1:45. We will literally be dropped at her house luggage and all. I am so sad that Xmas morning will be a rushed situation and checking out of hotel etc. There will maybe be enough time to quick run into Epcot or MGM B4 heading to the airport. We are TRYING to keep in mind that Xmas is about giving and family, but it is difficult when MIL is not doing the same. This is all about control....does anyone remember "MISS SALLY" from Southfork on the tv show Dallas? Yep, it's like that. Well, on the up side, we did not use any FF miles for this trip so I am going to try and see my mom and dad sometime for a quick weekend. I will NOT go thru this again next year...and I think we will see my brother for Thanksgiving...and he doesn't care what time/day we get together, he's just happy to see us! O.K. Vent done...on to the excitement of our trip!
Now I need to figure out how to do a countdown timer!

 

[inaminute]

No. You are not being selfish. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The first time we spent the holidays on our own were wonderfully liberating! We created our own family traditions--borrowing some from my family, some from his family, and created some new ones.

Now that my kids are grown up, I can see the day when they'll want to create their own holidays. I'll probably just suggest that maybe we could have Christmas here every third year or something.

The first time might be difficult, and I might have a tiny "attitude" (after all, I'll have to create new holiday traditions for just DH and I again! LOL), but we're grown ups. We'll get over it. And so will your families. If I knew that we'd all be together for Christmas 2005 or 2006 or whatever, I'd be fine.

Go on your solo trip and have fun. Don't worry, your extended family WILL be fine.

 

[Barb D]

Originally posted by FINFAN
Well, MIL wins again! Well sort of.....we are still making the trip, but our time is cut short as me MUST be back and at the dinner table by 5 p.m. Xmas day...or we will be sent nasty letters and phone calls like the LAST time we were 20 minutes late. (I am not kidding...we were harrasses for our "rude and selfish" behavior for over a year!)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The only way she can get away with this is because you let her. If you give in to terrorist demands, it only teaches them that the way to get what you want is to act like a terrorist. IMHO you should do what you want, tell her you're going to do it, and that you won't listen when she complains about it.

 

[septbride2002]

I've had to do this and it sucks. My MIL refuses to change anything and unfortunantly my SIL usually backs her up. It has caused a lot of arguements between DH and myself. The worst was Thanksgiving - both our parents are divorced so we had to try and see 4 sets of families for one day. I finally put my foot down last year when we bought the house and said I'm not doing this anymore. Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up and now I just feel like it is a huge rat race. So we decided to have Thanksgiving at our house and invited everyone. My MIL told us that she did not feel that there was any reason to change tradition and that she and her husband would not be there. We said fine - see ya later. I really don't think she thought we would go through with it. SIL called me and was really upset because she didn't know what to do and I told her to go to MIL's house (where I'll say she had a miserable time) and we wouldn't see each other on Thanksgiving. Both my parents came, my brother, and DH's Dad and we had a fabulous morning, afternoon, and evening. It was the most relaxing Thanksgiving in 5 years (and that is with me cooking the meal!)

Christmas is also a huge mess but now that my brother lives in town we should be able to calm things up a bit where we are going to 3 places Christmas Eve, and 1 place on Christmas Day.
Of course we spread out Christmas out over a week since again we have 4 sets of families to see.

~Amanda

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, if my MIL (FINFAN)was like that we would move far away and never communicate with them, ever again.

 

[totalia]

I have to admit, it wouldn't even have occurred to me not to have Christmas with my family.

Our honeymoon will be in Disney around the time of Christmas but we will be back a couple of days before that because, though I can't see my family for Christmas because they will be thousands of miles away, his family will still be there. I wouldn't miss Christmas with the family for anything in the world.

 

[cats7494]

Originally posted by Sandy V.
You are not being selfish at all. I firmly believe that we owe it to our OWN children to create family memories.

Spending time with extended family is also important, but that doesn't mean they have to dominate every holiday.

I totally agree! FINFAN, it is YOUR family and you should do what feels right. I am not saying that you should never coorperate with in-laws but there needs to be recognition and respect of your intimate family unit.
Do not be guilted into this if you truly do not want to join them. It will only reinforce their behavior and make it more difficult the next time you would like to deviate from their choices!

Do what is best for your family!! (just my opinion )

 

[FINFAN]

We have decided to do what is best for our family which means being back Xmas day...since that will cause the least amount of stress on DH. Otherwise he will be a mess and that will affect all of us. Yep, it stinks to be placed in a position like that all the time, yep, I've been trying to move for about 20 years now....I know the holiday is important to her, and if kids could miss a week of school 12/10-12/17 I would gladly go then instead...but then the kids pay the price there don't they? What kills me is the sheer indignance of it all....I mean, we are talking a matter of hours here...or a day later at worst! Other posters state that they need to spread out their holiday visits w/family over several days...MIL does not know how lucky she has been to have had 42 Xmases with DH on her terms. I will post when he and I finally get to have ONE! Our kids have said that they don't want to have holidays w/family anymore, because it is a big ugly hassle. NICE.....that's what they will remember about the holidays. Maybe I should have them record that onto a video tape and wrap it up and give it to her for her gift. How sad is it that she is accomplishing the exact opposite of her goal? Instead of us wanting to be together she is driving us all away.

 

[LindaG4458]

When DH and I were first married we alternated holidays with our familes - one year we would have Thanksgiving with one and Christmas with the other, the next year we reversed the arrangement. This was fine and dandy unless DMIL wanted to do something else on one of the holidays - then all plans had to revolve around her. My family was a major dysfunction - every year there was SOME CRISIS. Just as it seemed everything was going well for once something would happen. (One year DSIL had DB (not her husband) arrested and put in jail for verbal assault on Christmas Eve, that was lots of fun.)

Also, the IL's lived three hours away. They had three children. The other two wouldn't go for the holidays for various raasons. Several times we found that we had been lied to and manipulated just so they wouldn't be alone over the holidays (told BIL had to work on holiday when he didn't - he just didn't want to come) I blew up.

Finally I HAD HAD IT!! We started to travel over the holidays. We had a great time! Most places were festive, people seemed to be happy, nobody was fighting or drunk - we loved it.

We had some battles royal over this but DH finally decided he enjoyed the holdiays away rather than meeting expectations of others. He finally stood up to his DM and life was much happier after that.

I understand that plans are made for this year (I wouldn't have given in but that is between you and DH). Maybe sometime in January sit down with your children and DH and discuss it calmly. Then make your plans for next year without consulting anyone (that will give DH time to get used to the idea). Tell DMIL to pound sand and have a merry christmas without you.