Are married children expected to spend equal time with parents and lnlaws?

[minniecarousel]

I have to say: I'm spoiled. My DH's parents died many years ago. We would see his sister on Christmas Eve, first for dinner, then as she got sicker, we'd stop by after dinner on Christmas Eve. We started a tradition of taking our 2 sons out for a nice dinner.

My side of the family has come to our home early on Christmas Day ever since we had kids. Now that my Mom lives with us, no one wants to scuttle that tradition. (My Mom is 92 and in fragile health.)

Now that both of my boys are married, older DS & DDIL are doing the: 2 Thanksgiving meals, Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day with us, since her parents live about 2 miles from us. Younger DS gives me either Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Eve - I always want Christmas Eve. But I also want part of Christmas Day since my family wouldn't have seen him on Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve.

I will not make a big fuss, especially after grandkids come, but it's going to be tough. I'm used to having everyone here at my house, and I'm realizing that my DSs & DDILs may want to stay at home.

 

[disykat]

I will not make a big fuss, especially after grandkids come, but it's going to be tough. I'm used to having everyone here at my house, and I'm realizing that my DSs & DDILs may want to stay at home.

Good for you! I have a friend who is very into "family traditions." She won't budge from what they've always done because it's tradition. She has three sons and I've watched in horror as she expects "family traditions" to continue no matter what. They also have a family business that's been in the family for several generations. I've always felt really sorry for their DILs. All three sons are now divorced, so I guess it's no longer an issue. They can make their command performances, just without the grandchildren when it's not their turn.

 

[sau418]

Unfortunately it is my MIL who keeps track of how much time we spend with each family and holds it over our heads if we spend more time with my family. When we were dating and before children I worked so my oncall schedule dictated holidays, as my family is 3 hours away and DH's family is here. Once we had kids we bagan alternating Easter and Thanksgiving, but still finding time to visit with the non-holiday family at some point during the weekend. Christmas, we do Christmas Eve with his family and the weekend after with mine. My family is much more laid back and with all the kids, this allows everyone to be at their own home for Christmas morning then see family after the actual holiday. The past two years DH has invited his parents to our house for dinner on Christmas Day, however, I am putting an end to that this year. Long story but, basically ILs bring SIL with them and she is an unmarried, miserable 38 year old, who is self centered and yells at my girls in their own home, I refuse to accept that behavior from a grown woman so they are not invited this year.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

My DD is married and her MIL is a witch when the holidays come , sometimes making my DD cry . I just tell her " I would love to see you when you are done over there so just tell me when you can come if you want dinner/ lunch"

Her MIL has even gone so far as to change things after they were set.
She wanted to have Thanksgiving lunch so we made ours dinner . Not just us but everyone invited to our house changed the time. She then waited till the day before and changed it to dinner so we changed ours in a hurry to lunch and she had a fit and forbid them to eat over here for lunch . They were allowed to visit just not eat LOL .

She really is a nice lady but just not tightly wrapped when it comes to getting her way .

She asked us to change our WDW vacation because she wanted to take the baby to visit her family in another state that week MAYBE LOL ... We told her we changed it to the next week and we really didnt and guess what she wanted that week we had "changed" it to

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I'm glad this subject came up. For our first 10 years of marriage, we were running around to 3 houses/dinners on Xmas day. It was so stressful, I could never enjoy myself. I spent the day thinking about what time we would have to leave to be on time at the next house! When I had my 2nd child two years ago, I decided that I would host Xmas day and whoever wanted to come, feel free. Now both sets of parents and DH's sister and family come to our house. It's more work for me, but I enjoy the day now. I'm so glad I put an end to our multiple visits on Xmas.

 

[N&B'smom]

My DD is married and her MIL is a witch when the holidays come , sometimes making my DD cry . I just tell her " I would love to see you when you are done over there so just tell me when you can come if you want dinner/ lunch"

Her MIL has even gone so far as to change things after they were set.
She wanted to have Thanksgiving lunch so we made ours dinner . Not just us but everyone invited to our house changed the time. She then waited till the day before and changed it to dinner so we changed ours in a hurry to lunch and she had a fit and forbid them to eat over here for lunch . They were allowed to visit just not eat LOL .

She really is a nice lady but just not tightly wrapped when it comes to getting her way .

She asked us to change our WDW vacation because she wanted to take the baby to visit her family in another state that week MAYBE LOL ... We told her we changed it to the next week and we really didnt and guess what she wanted that week we had "changed" it to

That's really a shame. Does your DSIL see her behavior as a problem? Why not that Thanksgiving say they're sorry but they can't make it for dinner because they already made plans? How come when she changes things last minute everyone scrambles to change their plans as well? Why not just not go once or twice, she may learn that she needs to get her act together. Or would this create more drama then your DD and DSIL want to deal with?? That is such a tough situation!!

 

[rie'smom]

My daughter and i are at WDW every Thanksgiving because my husband is busy with the farm. Our 2 sons are usually hunting. On Christmas Eve, we're with my inlaws and on Christmas Day, my side comes over to our house. Luckily, at least in these instances, our families live either in the same town or 30 miles from us.

 

[alexandria674]

Well, Christmas is usually a hassle. I have been with the fiance a long time and both of our families celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. There are usually parties that run until late because then the kids can open their gifts and then the next day Christmas is just for relaxing, or taking the kids to the other relatives later in the day. We have actually decided to make it a little bit more easier I go to my mother's Christmas party with her husband's family until 9PM while he stays with his relatives. Then he comes to where I am at and says hello and hangs out for a little while. Then we shoot over to his family's place so I can say hello, then we go to my dad's family's house because then we usually relax with them until it is midnight and we open our gifts.
Thanksgiving though was a big hassle, so this year I am doing my own Thanksgiving. I mean, I will cook everything so..hopefully it will all mesh together with no kitchen fires ( nervous giggle) or family fight.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Well, if we want to see my family, they've made it abudantly clear that we're to drive to THEM. Heaven forbid they ever, ever, ever drive the 3.5 hours to visit us! After all, there's only the two of us; we don't have kids! They just don't feel up to traveling that far.

Branson or Eureka Springs or something similar? Now that, that, they can do.

DH and I liked it better when we lived about 1500 miles away. We spent our holidays together, nestled on the couch, enjoying the holidays in peace.

Forgive me. . .I feel a bad cold coming on. I think it might get here just in time for Christmas. . . HA-CHOO!

 

[etoiles]

Dh's mom lives overseas in Holland so every winter we buy her a plane ticket to come and stay with us for five weeks. She doesn't come during Thanksgiving and that's not a holiday she celebrates so we drive 2hrs north to Milwaukee to spend it with my family.

Christmas my MIL is staying with us so the three of us drive north to Milwaukee to spend Christmas eve and day with my family. I usually go up a few days earlier to spend more time with my family so MIL only has to 'deal' with it for a few days. She has complained about having to go to Milwaukee to do the holidays with my family but thankfully DH told her that she was welcome to stay in the Chicago area if she wanted - by herself or visit us during the spring instead.

I don't know what we will do if we have kids. It will be tricky. Does anyone have a MIL or mother that lives with them??? How do they deal with the holidays then??

 

[Crystal0608]

For the past maybe 8 years, we spent Xmas Eve at my dads side (grandparents, dad, sister, ext fam) around noonish for ham, heavy snacks and desserts and then by 4-5 we needed to be at my MIL's (step-FIL & his kids, SIL) about 1 1/2 hrs away for honey baked ham & present exchange and don't get home until after 10pm-then rush the kids to bed for Santa.

Then Xmas day, the kids wake me up at dawn to open presents, FIL comes over to exchange gifts around 8am and by 10am we have to be at my mama's for Xmas brunch, Santa at her house, and present exhange. By 4-5pm we go to dh's aunt (about an hour away) and exchange gifts.

I decided last year to change it this year. My income has been the only for 5 years and my effort is not always appreciated. Last year, I gave MIL real pearl earrings since she loves jewelry, SIL said "don't you have enough jewelry?" Same rudeness from SIL and MIL, every year. She was hurtful to my kids in May, so after lots of issues we cut off contact, so no MIL's this year. She always got mad, b/c I always did Xmas Eve at my grandparents & Xmas Day at my mamas since I was 7 and I wouldn't move the times. MIL just did gifts on Xmas Eve night, boy did she get mad when she found out that she couldn't have Xmas Day too. She fussed for a couple years over that and over other holidays. My mama always gets Easter Sunday lunch as its her favorite holiday and we have a big egg hunt then Thanksgiving lunch is also my mamas. DD's parties are also always at my moms since she splits paying for them with me, MIL thought I should have it at her pond 1-1/2 hrs away, sure lots of her friends will show. We won't be at dh's aunts either, we only see them once or twice a year now, so we're just sending a family gift.

 

[deb24k]

I guess we are fortunate to both live within 45 minutes from most family members on both sides of the family and to generally enjoy each other's company. I also count my fortunes that although my parents have been divorced, remarried, and have extended our family with other siblings it all works out in that they have always put my siblings and I first and are amicable and friendly with one another at ALL family gatherings.

Every year both my family and DH's family have Christmas parties one week prior to Christmas. One party is on Saturday the other on Sunday. My inlaws are often at my family gathering. On Christmas day I had dinner for my in-laws, my Dad and Step Mom, My Mom and Step Dad, My little sister, my children, and a step uncle. We then traveled to my Grandmas to visit with extended family, then back to my home with all of my parents and siblings, spouses and children.

Although some holidays are more chaotic than others my family is always understanding about time constraits. Still, I would never miss visiting my Grandparents house. They are still the centerpieces of our family!

 

[Buckalew11]

Saturday before Thanksgiving we do extended DH family meal. Thanksgiving Day for the past 5 or 6 yrs. we've gone out with our moms and Dh's sister and DH and my sister and her DH and family.
Christmas is Eve at his mom's (she's 10 mins away) and Christmas at mine. Christmas night sometimes we go to my sisters (10 mins away) and when my other sister comes home from SC (usually a few days after christmas) we get together at my sister's house.

This year my sister (here) is going to NJ to spend Thanksgiving with her MIL who has some very serious blood disorder. We're doing thanksgiving at our new house and it ought to be a riot/show. We'll see.

 

[TaraLee4]

Both sets of parents are divorced here, plus we're required to visit my grandmas...so we make 5 stops on christmas. No one wants to/is willing to do something Christmas eve.

DBF works overnights, and works Christmas Eve, with Christmas night off, so I usually spend Christmas Eve home. By myself. Then i get to drive around all day with a boyfriend who hasn't slept. yeah. I look forward to christmas a lot.


we don't even really decorate our house anymore...we realized that even we weren't around to see it.

 

[SydSim]

Traditionally, we have spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Brunch with DH's family. Christmas night....we celebrate at home with anyone and everyone.
We have four grown children. They are expected to make at least one of the celebrations. Fortunately, we all live in the same county.

See, the "expected" part is what I don't quite understand. Yes, you have given them a lot of choices, but why is it expected that they come? You said that they were grown children. Aren't they allowed to celebrate the way they wish?

 

[NMAmy]

DD's dad and I have been divorced for 11 years so I'm used to making a holiday on whatever day everyone happens to be together. DH's family is in the UK so we're off the hook with them. My mom tends to spend Christmas in California with my sister and stays until March because she can't take the cold weather anymore.

I get almost two weeks off at Christmas and I'd love to travel somewhere but dd (18) wants everything the way we've always done it. Heaven help me if I put a decoration in the "wrong" place.

She's at college and I asked her when she was coming home and when she was going to her dad's (to buy plane tickets) and she told me, "I don't know but I AM going to be at our house for Christmas." When I told her that we could do it whatever day worked out best, she said, "I want to be in my home for the real Christmas Day." All righty then.

When she gets older and marries and has kids, I'll still be fine with doing a holiday on whatever day works best for everyone and have no problem if that's at my house or someone else's. For me, it's not the actual date on the calendar but being together.

 

[DMickey28]

In the past DH and I have lived away from home and traveled back for the week of Christmas. I would even come back for a few weeks before the holidays. We did not split the actual holiday DAY evenly. Usually we would go to my MIL's for Christmas Eve or she would come to my parent's house for Christmas Eve. We always spent Christmas Day at my parents house because that is where we would stay.

Now we moved back up here and are buying a house. By the time Christmas rolls around we will barely have enough furnishings for everyone to come to our house so our plans are up in the air this year. We will see. We will probably do Thanksgiving with DH's family since they due a huge family Turkey day and we haven't been here for one in years.

 

[emma'smom]

We spend all of the holidays with my parents. It's just never come up as a issue. My DH has never really expressed any interest to do something different (We call his mom every holiday.). DH's mom (his dad died last year) doesn't live where DH grew up and has a very small house--and doesn't do a big celebration.

My parents now live 5 minutes away from us, but even when they lived 15 hours (and then 8 hours when we moved), we have always traveled to them for Christmas. My dad was a minister, so he was always "working" on Christmas Eve and my mom always does a nice Christmas eve dinner that has been a tradition since we were young. Honestly, it wouldn't feel like Christmas without it--I'll take it on myself when she isn't able to do it any longer. The holidays are so much "bigger" for my side of the family that we all just prefer it.

This past year was the first one where my parents weren't actually staying with us on Christmas eve (since they have now moved to our town). We realized that our two dd's had never experienced a Christmas morning without my parents there to explore the gifts Santa brought. So this year, we called them (at dd6's request) to have them come over before we went downstairs so that we were all together for Christmas morning.

My mom does Christmas Eve dinner, I do a Christmas Brunch, and she does Christmas Dinner. Why? She's a much better cook!

P.S. My brother's family stays far away. Someone will call (us to them or vice-versa)---but that's it. They came to Christmas ONCE years ago---and I think that was enough for my SIL. All the better---less tension all the way around and everyone has fun (I'm sure at their house too).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

See, the "expected" part is what I don't quite understand. Yes, you have given them a lot of choices, but why is it expected that they come? You said that they were grown children. Aren't they allowed to celebrate the way they wish?

I don't get it either. When my dd's are grown I will ask them if we are going to see them.

Heck, I asked dd if I could stop celebrating this year.We do not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday. We celebrate it as a secular American tradition, like Thanksgiving.

My dd of course said NO mom we are still putting up the tree.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Parents/In-laws who have these 'expectations' get away with it because their adult children enable them.... NO doubt that the adult children are handing them this control.