Are married children expected to spend equal time with parents and lnlaws?

[DisneyBeagle]

My coworker and I were discussing the upcoming holidays. She said that she hates the holiday season because her parents and her husbands parents expect them to split their time with them equally. She said that they spend so much timing traveling and trying to make everyone happy that she and her husband are miserable.

Parents- Do you expect your married children to split their time equally between you and their inlaws?

Married Children- Do your parents or inlaws give you grief about not splitting your time equally?

 

[Darcy03231]

Holidays are spent at home and my parents and DH's mother (his father is deceased) are welcome to come and spend them with us or not, their choice. I don't travel on holidays.

My family does a big family Christmas party the weekend before Christmas and DH's family were never big into celebrating any holidays. Usually my parents come to my house for dinner. Some years DH's mother has come and some she hasn't. Since she lives quite a distance away (involves a flight) she usually celebrates with DH's sister and her family, who only live about 2 hours from her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not in my house.

I think making a fuss over the holidays is silly. We get together when we can and have fun with it.

 

[TwingleMum]

This is often a difficult and emotional issue. In our home the Holidays were shared. One year Thanksgiving at DH's folks Christmas at mine the next year reversed Thanksgiving at my folks Christmas at his. My sisters in laws care more about Christmas Eve so She'd spend Christmas at my parents and Christmas Eve at his. I guess it gets worse if travelling distances is involved. Not much help but I don't think here is a right or wrong. I guess everyone has to find their own way around the Holiday mine field.

 

[sbell111]

Equally? My in laws give my wife heck if she doesn't spend most of the time with them.

 

[RadioNate]

Yes, we are expected to see everyone and neither side is happy with us splitting time. It is exhausting.

It doesn't help matters that we live in FL, my family is in Chicago and DH's in Oregon. Let me tell you how much that doesn't work and how every year people are mad at us.

We've given up! This year I'm staying home and no one is coming here. They are all mad but I don't care. I'll get an enjoyable holiday without having to worry about who offended who (my parents and my inlaws don't get along on top of the fact my parents are divorced) and working to always keep the peace.

 

[mtdevine615]

We did this until the kids came, then we told everyone that we were starting our own traditions with the kids and everyone was more then welcome to come to our house. Now that the kids are out on ther own we expect them to come see us. Amazing how things change. Oh well I suppose they'll tell us the same thing we told our parents soon.

 

[Handbag Lady]

This is the exact reason why I hate the holidays now.

My out-laws live in another state. My parents are divorced and don't speak to each other. My husband would rather stay at home and not go or do anything.

I HAVE to spend time with each of my parents, at different times. We don't have to travel to the out-laws, but we do about once every two or three years. When we do travel, we STILL have to figure in two more Christmases. So, we NEVER have a Christmas at home and we just can't do it. It is awful trying to make everyone happy.

In addition to all of this, we don't get any days except Christmas and New Year's off. So added into all of this stress, we have to somehow fit in our jobs.

We tried doing the "our house" two years ago. My parents were just like children and my dad left early and my mom was bitter about being forced to be there.

So, other than telling my entire family to stuff it, I am at a loss. The only way out is to have our own kids and then we can control the situation. (it worked for my sister for 19 years.)

You should have seen their faces when I tried to approach the "no gifts" idea for future years, too. I just don't need any more things and no one understands.

 

[Serena]

We enjoyed the time with my parents more and they lived a mile away. His parent live next door to us/me, so we saw them coming and going. During holidays that his family cooked I always had to stop at my mom's for some good holiday food.
I started having the holiday dinners at my home and invited everyone, both sides at the same time. It worked well for a long time.

 

[TwinsinCA]

No one gives us grief because we split time evenly by choice. Since we got married we have been alternating years between my parents and my in-laws. Our families are scattered across several states, so we'd travel to see them. Once we had kids we still alternate between families but also have every other year at our house. So my in-laws and parents have to travel too. We've worked out a 4 year rotation of sorts. Everyone understands that we can't see everyone every year. This works out fine and there are no guilt trips.

This is just for Christmas though. Thanksgiving and Easter are simple not big deals to anyone in our family. Sometimes we spend it with family, sometimes not. We just don't keep track.

 

[AKL_Megs]

My DH's family "usually" does Christmas the weekend AFTER the actual day.

We usually do Christmas morning at MY parents house from 10am - 4pm or 5pm, and then make the drive to DH's mom's house, or to his grandmother's house where some family gathers, for the rest of the night.

Thanksgiving is the same.

 

[Pakey]

Two of our sons are married; the third is engaged and living with his fiancee.

I have no idea how much time they spend with their other families; I don't keep track. If they want to spend every holiday with their spouses' families, my husband and I would not be bothered in the least.

I do not expect them to come to our home for the holidays and I don't expect to be invited to theirs. Sometimes we get together and sometimes we do not. Since they have been adults, I can only remember one Christmas where they all 3 came to our home at the same time and I think it was the day after Christmas.

I could not imagine putting expectations on them. Holidays are not that big of deal to us. Both my parents and my husband's parents are still alive and we rarely go to their gatherings either.

We do treat our sons and their families to a family vacation every other year and we all go together. We don't spend 24-7 with each other but we make it a point to have one meal a day together. It's much better than holiday time.

 

[ohiomom28]

Over the past few years, we have started having extended family gatherings the weeks leading up to Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we go to my parents for dinner and go again on Christmas morning for presents and breakfast. Later we go to his parents. Thanksgiving is split between the 2 parents. Needless to say we eat a lot on those days!

 

[SC Minnie]

No. DH's parents were 500 miles away. We stopped going up there for Christmas about 10 yrs ago when one of his sisters ticked me off about the holidays- they expected us to travel every year but wanted their children home under their tree. I wanted mine at her home sometimes too.

Anyway, we don't split time evenly. My parents live about 45 min away and are divorced and remarried. Their spouses have grown children with families. Sometimes for Christmas they will spend that day with those families. Sometimes DH, DD, and I go away for Christmas just us. If we do stay in town we will spend a couple of hours with my Mom (if she is in town) one day and then a couple of hours with my Dad another day. Last year we did go on a trip at Christmas to Mexico with several of DH's family so its not like we never see them at the holidays- I just won't go to Cleveland .

 

[mickey&minnie04]

My husband and I are in our 30's, have been married for 5 years and have no children. I feel guilty if I don't see my father, brother and sister on Christmas day. My parents are divorced ( my mother is flexible as far as the schedule goes! ) my siblings and I have aways gotten together christmas morning to visit with our father. Now that I am married it is much harder because my husbands family gets together every christmas starting at noon, no compromise! We get to my dads and then its almost as if we have to turn around and leave right away! It is about a 45 minute drive to most of my husbands family ( they all take turns having it at their houses ) so we are always late and we are expected to bring a food item and by the time we get there they are already eating and making comments that our food wasn't there.....not us, the food! Christmas is also my husbands birthday and just once I would love to be able to spend it with just the 2 of us without the guilt!

 

[jen0610]

My coworker and I were discussing the upcoming holidays. She said that she hates the holiday season because her parents and her husbands parents expect them to split their time with them equally. She said that they spend so much timing traveling and trying to make everyone happy that she and her husband are miserable.

Parents- Do you expect your married children to split their time equally between you and their inlaws?

Married Children- Do your parents or inlaws give you grief about not splitting your time equally?

My mother trys to give me grief, but I just don't care to listen to her or be bothered by it.

It was in issue with my mother, from the time that DH and I started dating. His family has always done their Christmas exchange on Christmas Eve. My birthday is Christmas Eve. My mother, didn't like when I would spend the morning and a part of the afternoon at home with my family and DH, then he and I would leave around 4, to meet his family for mass, dinner, then the gift exchange. She always felt that I should stay with my family until there was just enough time to get to DH's family to do the gift exchange.

It was about the time that we had kids, that DH and I stopped meeting his family for mass, we would just meet them for dinner, then the gift exchange. For about 2 years, I had to hear about how I need to make DH get to Christmas mass. NO...he's a big boy, if he wants to go, he'll go. I'm not making him do anything. The first year we were in our house, we started just having the family to our house for dinner and the exchange. Made no since for us to drag 2 little ones out, when all the other kids were 5th grade and older. Besides, the neices liked it at our house, we had cable, internet and video games to play.

After 21 years, everybody know what we do on Chirstmas Eve and day. DH's married neice and hubby both know, that as soon as they have kids and don't want to travel on Christmas Eve with kids, the family gathering will be all theirs. I don't want anybody traveling with kids, since I didn't want to.

 

[disney1990]

My DD and my SIL have instituted a policy which I totally stand behind. They stay home on Christmas Day and everybody is welcome to come visit them. They don't feel like it is fair to have their daughters open up their presents and then have to leave them to go visit relatives. It works well for them.

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

Ideally, splitting things sounds 'even'...but in reality, it is just too difficult.

My parents are divorced, so we have 3 'sets' of parents to visit. No way are we splitting Thanksgiving 3 ways in one day. We agreed to do it at my sis's house on T-day, and we each bring a side or two. Then we do either Black Friday or another day that weekend with the inlaws.

Christmas is split 3 ways, but over several days. Christmas Eve with my mom, Christmas Day divided between my dad and ILs.

Busy, but it works. When the kids get older, I'm hoping to simplify and have things at our house. We'll see...

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

We have gone back and forth on this issue. Up until a couple of years ago we tried to alternate - usually it would end up that we would have lunch with my parents then have dinner with DH on the holiday (Christmas and Thanksgiving). My MIL finally got tired of having all of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) at her house and just quit inviting everyone. Then we hosted Christmas at our house for a couple of years and did it the weekend before the holiday. We pared down to just one aunt & uncle and their kids along with in-laws. DH's family are not planners at all and it drives me crazy. One of the cousins volunteered to host a few years ago and waited until the day before to call and let us know what was going on. So last year we opted to just stay home. Our DS's are getting older (19 and 13) so now that the cousins all have small children they are beginning to experience what it's like to travel all over creation on Christmas day - and they aren't liking it. I basically told DH that if they don't give us at least a weeks notice I won't guarantee that I'll show up.

I try to split the time evenly but come on people, you need to work with me here! Don't wait until 7:30 pm on Christmas eve to call and ask what I'm bringing over for Christmas dinner!

 

[scottishduffy]

Hubby and I do not have much of an issue with this currently.

Our families get along and usually my parents will be invited to his families thanksgiving and christmas eve. It makes things easy. As far as other visits, no one keeps track. Just as long as both sides have been visited at some point they are happy. We try ourselves to be somewhat equal.

I plan that whenever we have children i will stay at home and invite any grandparents to come to us. I will not split my time on christmas. Figure it eliminates arguments if we refuse to travel.

My brother currently get a lot of grief from my mom over how much time he spend with his IL's. Brother and SIL go every year for christmas and thanksgiving to see SIL's parents. They ever go for eatsre as well. They see the other side 4-5 times a year. My mom is hurt by this and is laying on the pressure for them to come to FL this year, and to start an every-other-year rotation since both grandparents want to see the grandbaby. However, SIL seems to feel that her parents are the *real* grandparents while our side just happens to be related to her husband.