Are married children expected to spend equal time with parents and lnlaws?

[clutter]

A long time ago, when I was married for 3 long years, the holidays were awful. My mom and my inlaws were only a few miles apart and they both measured to ensure equal time. And their difinitions of 'equal' were different!

After that, I got to endure the holidays with my parents, listening to my mom rant and rave about not getting her equal share from my sister's inlaws. I let it go for years because I knew where it was coming from, and I wanted to be there for her. But once my dd was part of my family, I let her know that she had to let it go or we'd go to Disney for Christmas! I didn't mind her ruining my christmas when it was only me. But if having my dd and I around wasn't good enough, then we'd go and have fun on our own. In spite of that, I wish my mom was here to celebrate still. Christmas isn't the same without the inlaw gripe!

 

[Jennasis]

We can't spend equal time with both sets of parents due to logistics. My MIL lives here in the same small town in NC that DH and I now live in. MY family...my entire family (and it is a big Italian family with cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews) live back on Long Island. So we see my MIL every week (usually Sunday night) for dinner. I see my own parents once, sometimes twice a year and my two sisters even less.

Holidays? MIL gets them all. Historically, my mom and dad drive down here from NY the day after Christmas and stay until the day before New Year's Eve.

My only issue with this arraingment is that my MIL HAS to be included in the time I spend with my parents. I like my MIL, I really really do. but I feel like my mom and dad deserve some exclusive time with DH and I too. So I have recently been insisting on the alone time. It's been nice.

 

[Pooh Crew]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but dividing our time between our families was a huge part of why my first husband and I divorced (we had no children). My family lived about an hour from his. He counted travel time to my family's house as time spent with my family! I am an only child, so he thought it was "fair" that whatever time we spent with my parents was the same amount of time that we had to spend with his father and each of his three sisters. Two hours with my mom and dad equaled eight hours with his family.

One Christmas I was very sick--vomitting and all that jazz--and he would not take me to my mom's because it was his sister's time with us. It made me crazy. It made me resent him and his family.

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

When we were first married, I was told that it was traditional for my husbands family to celebrate Christmas Eve together and that there was a large extended gathering on Christmas Day for his family. I said - Wow - that sounds like my family!!

So, we went with the every other year thing. If we spent Thanksgiving with his family the year before we would be celebrating it with my family the next.

We would spend Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other. The next year we would switch.

Now that our children are grown and have other families to consider we have made it clear to them that we would love to spend holiday time together but that no one is obligated. (We don't want the guilt trip thing going!)

We treasure the times we are able to spend together but know that it isn't always possible.

 

[lillygator]

we've had issues but since having the girls we stay put...if the grandparents want to come visit us, that is fine. I feel it is much easier all around for them to come to our house than packing up two kids and then worrying about their breakables...

We would split time, thanksgiving at my mom's, xmas at DH's but really don't feel it is fair to the girls dragging them all over nor to our own foursome...we don't get much time to spend together without work and other things in the way, so the holidays make it nice for us to hang out as a family.

 

[KAMKIM]

All of our christmas' before kids were simple, we would spend both Xmas Eve and Xmas day split between our families (which wasn't easy since both of our parents are divorced and remarried ) Once we had DD8 I said we are making our own christmas traditions and staying home. Every Xmas Eve I invite his family - they never show. Their choice is the way I see it.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

years ago when we were first married, it was hard. In-laws expected us to be there for every holiday, family get together, celebration. We got pressure and guilt. It also was not the most pleasant place at the holidays: high stress, etc.

my mom never pressured, never kept track, never pulled the guilt trip, and always made the holidays fun, special, and relaxing. Our family dynamic is just way different. (My mom didn't complain, though it was harder on her due to our family being much smaller and my dad had passed away years before - my MIL was never truly alone.)

we ended up spending more time with my mom because it was more pleasant.

I plan to be like my mom! Create a place and an environment they WANT to visit and then know that they are doing the best they can.

Over the years the in-laws have lightnened up. They realize we don't HAVE to be together on THAT day - as long as we are together to celebrate at some point. They have come to accept - to a point - that we can't all be together at every celebration.

After our DD came along, we started doing Christmas day here.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Just reading about some of these holiday plans makes me tired. There is no way that I would be driving to 3, 4 or 5 different places on Christmas.

 

[megthewonderful]

Since having kids, my DH and I decided that we stay put on the holidays. We don't let anyone allow us to feel guilty about staying home with the kids. They are more than welcome to come and spend the holidays with us, but they usually don't. We are careful to try and spend equal amounts of time between both families the rest of the year. It's tough though since my in-laws live an hour away and feel as though they can visit any time and my family is 4 hours away.

I will admit before we made the decision to stay home on the holidays, my in-laws always seemed to be telling us that we never spent enough time with them. It got to be very stressful and made visits to them and holidays before kids not very enjoyable.

 

[EthansMom]

The first Christmas that DH and I were married, we made the decision that we would spend Christmas morning at our own home. We've continued with that as we've had kids. It was one of the best decisions we ever made, regarding the holidays.

We still do visit with our family. And we still have pleny of holiday drama. But on Christmas morning, we meander out in our jammies and the kids have plenty of time to play with their new toys while Mom and Dad relax.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

We always go to my Grandparents house for the holidays. My mother was their only child and when she passed from cancer I kind of took over her role of being there for them. They live in the same town as us, as does my sister's family, and my brother and his wife only live an hour away. We all get together just as we did growing up.

We used to go to my MIL's the day before or after a holiday, but it was so tulmutuous it wasn't fun. She was always fighting with his younger siblings, there would be cursing matches at the Thanksgiving table! Luckily, she decided in the past few years not to celebrate holidays as they were all pagan rituals to begin with and she has now discovered her own form of scientology. I'm not sure what that has to do with Thanksgiving, but it is a big relief! I often times wonder how my DH turned out so normal!

 

[kellyg403]

Well, I can tell you that I do not 'require' the kids to spend equal time here or at the other parents house. Early on I discovered that my dil is very close to her family. They spend Christmas together and pretty much see/speak to each other several times a day. My sil is the same...his mom babysits my grandsons (wish I could but I work still) so it is the same situation. So, instead of making the kids divide up their time we usually do holidays on different days. Usually we have christmas at our house the Sat before so they can spend time with their parents. I don't mind really if the truth be known. My mom never made us travel with the kids to her house while they were growing up...she always said Christmas morning is for home with the family. So now, with no plans on Christmas I normally ride over and spend the day with her. Thanksgiving we stay here, the kids come one year for desert and one year for the meal. This year dil has a new house so I am hoping it will be on her!

But no, I don't make mandatory events for the kids. I would rather they tell ME what they have time for so we can all have a good time and not be worried about the next location the whole time.

Kelly

 

[rie'smom]

Well, I can tell you that I do not 'require' the kids to spend equal time here or at the other parents house. ...
But no, I don't make mandatory events for the kids. I would rather they tell ME what they have time for so we can all have a good time and not be worried about the next location the whole time.

Kelly

While our oldest 2 kids are not yet married, we have this attitude with their girlfriends. They usually end up spending some of the time on Christmas Day with us- either lunch, dessert, or dinner but I don't insist. My mom and dad and brothers come over to our house on Christmas Day and it's very laid back. Christmas Eve is spent at my in laws. It used to be very formal but now it's become a very relaxed evening. I'm happy to say that it works out for us. Our youngest is a sophomore in high school and we haven't had this come up yet but we'll handle it when it does.
It's not worth an argument, IMO.