Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[lynxstch]

So very sorry, sending you Peace and blessings to help you thru the coming days.

 

[Micca]

I'm very sorry, all the best in the days ahead.

 

[xlxo]

For the Chinese culture... such dinners are the norm for friends and family members.

 

[focusondisney]

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts mickyzzzzz05, I do so appreciate it.

Mom was not an actual member of the church she attended, and it's been almost two years since she did attend so we never even thought about having her service at the church.

DH was a Mennonite (similar to Amish) when we got married and all of his relatives have their funerals in the church, with a dinner in the fellowship hall afterward.

UPDATE ON MOM*** I received a call last evening letting us know the nurses were not able to get her vitals any longer and her breathing was very shallow. I expected "the call" during the night but it hasn't come yet. The nurse did call this morning around 9:00 to let us know that hospice is now with her continually and her breathing stops but then starts up again. She said probably because of her having a pacemaker it will take awhile longer for her to pass. We did not go up to see her when we got the call last night, as we had been there in the afternoon. She of course was sleeping when we got there but I touched her shoulder and she briefly woke up and said "hi" and gave us a nice smile. She was too weak to sip her milkshake (I always take her one) though and did not visit with us at all and just slept, so we didn't stay long. It was too hard. I kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest and she didn't respond much. The nurse said now she is not responding to anyone, so it won't be long. So, so hard. But I'm truly thankful we have always been so close. Not only has she been my Mom for 80 years, but a very good friend as well.

I am so sorry.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts mickyzzzzz05, I do so appreciate it.

Mom was not an actual member of the church she attended, and it's been almost two years since she did attend so we never even thought about having her service at the church.

DH was a Mennonite (similar to Amish) when we got married and all of his relatives have their funerals in the church, with a dinner in the fellowship hall afterward.

UPDATE ON MOM*** I received a call last evening letting us know the nurses were not able to get her vitals any longer and her breathing was very shallow. I expected "the call" during the night but it hasn't come yet. The nurse did call this morning around 9:00 to let us know that hospice is now with her continually and her breathing stops but then starts up again. She said probably because of her having a pacemaker it will take awhile longer for her to pass. We did not go up to see her when we got the call last night, as we had been there in the afternoon. She of course was sleeping when we got there but I touched her shoulder and she briefly woke up and said "hi" and gave us a nice smile. She was too weak to sip her milkshake (I always take her one) though and did not visit with us at all and just slept, so we didn't stay long. It was too hard. I kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest and she didn't respond much. The nurse said now she is not responding to anyone, so it won't be long. So, so hard. But I'm truly thankful we have always been so close. Not only has she been my Mom for 80 years, but a very good friend as well.

I am so sorry

 

[mom2rtk]

 

[amberpi]

Just saw your update @MIGrandma. That is so hard, but lovely you got one last smile. I'm thinking of you and your family.

 

[cabanafrau]

You sound as if you are coping well with a difficult situation. I hope you are able to have a peaceful heart and thoughts of your mom will bring you more joy than sorrow.

 

[marthachick]

In 2013, my MIL & FIL were in a room together at a nursing home. My FIL didn't attend church, but my MIL did. My MIL died and her funeral was at her church. We had receiving for 1 hour prior to the funeral. While we were at the church, FIL died. Her church ladies had prepared a meal for family. We didn't feel right asking her church to hold FIL's funeral. So his funeral was at the Funeral Home Chapel with MIL's Pastor officiating. (He was awesome!) Since there were several members of his family who came from out of town, I asked the ladies of our church to prepare a meal. They set up, served and cleaned up after the meal that was held at a community building near the cemetery where they were buried. No charge for anything. We also had friends and neighbors who brought food as soon as we heard MIL had passed and until the day of FILs funeral. The meal after both funerals was a good time to see family members who had come and to just start healing from the grief. But it may not work for everyone. DH is an only child, so we did what worked best for us.

So OP, do what is best for you and your family. Hugs to you in this difficult time.

 

[superme80]

 

[macraven]

2 years ago I went thru sitting with mother with hospice for her last 48 hours

I know this all is hard for you

 

[VandVsmama]

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

I'm so sorry about your mom. Even when the family member has lived a long and fulfilled life, it's still hard when it's time for them to go. Hang in there.

For me, personally, I never **expect** to be invited to a meal after the funeral. But it's something that a lot of people do. Customs vary a lot based on religion & what part of the country you live in.

Sometimes, the meal (a lot of people call it a 'reception') is held at the church, temple, or religious building where the funeral service was held...usually in something like a fellowship hall right next to the actual worship sanctuary.

Sometimes, the immediate family of the deceased has everything catered at a local restaurant.

Sometimes they rent out a banquet hall and have food catered in.

Sometimes the family of the deceased provides all the food. Sometimes, their friends & other family members do a potluck & everybody brings a dish....that's something that really does vary a lot. For example, at most of the funerals I've been to in California, none of the funeral attendees, friends, extended family ever brought any sort of potluck dish...and the family of the deceased person was expected to provide all the food & refreshments.

Sometimes, it's not a funeral, but a memorial service that happens weeks or even months after the person's death.

At the end of the day, you should do what works best for YOUR family and what YOU are satisfied with doing. Take our opinions with a grain of salt. Dealing with a death in the family is really stressful. So if you don't feel up to providing food for a small army of people, then don't do that. People will understand.

 

[tarheel618]

So sorry for you during this difficult time.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I didn't even realize there were two tarheels, so very sorry. It was tarheel618 that said we "should" have the dinner in a church or restaurant. I'm a bit scatterbrained when I'm normal (LOL) but even moreso now with what we're dealing with. I'm putting things in the refrigerator when I meant to microwave it, even originally posted this thread on the Carnival Cruise (Cruise Critic) message board as I didn't remember I had gotten out of this board and went there. Yikes!! So had to ask a moderator there to remove it. I felt so dumb!

No worries. I just didn't want you to misinterpret my post. I firmly believe that times of bereavement are the one time you can be totally selfish & do whatever it takes to make it through this most difficult time. Sorry to hear your Mom is no longer responding. My heart breaks for you. I hope that you can soon find peace in this most difficult time.

 

[maxaroni]

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

 

[YoYoAurora]

@MIGrandma, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Go with what you want to do for the meal.

I'm an event planner and have served on the parish bereavement committee in the past. Some families want a meal at the church or at a family member's home afterward; others prefer not to have one.

Where I live in the South, most of the funerals have a post-funeral meal for family and close friends. There is no charge from the church for the food, hall, or set up. However, when we were planning my MIL's funeral, I found out that her parish in Ohio charges for the post-funeral meal. We opted out of the meal as there would be few mourners other than the immediate family. (She had moved some years before and her Alzheimer's made it impossible for her to keep in touch with her friends.)

 

[maxaroni]

This has been interesting. I mentioned upthread that my side of the family has had meals at a restaurant after the graveside service. This has always been hosted and paid for by the immediate family of the deceased. When it was a cousin, it was the spouse. When the spouse passed, it was the children. My grandfather passed away and it was my grandmother that hosted/paid for the meal. When my grandmother passed, my parents did the same. I find it so wonderful, generous and heart warming to see that communities come and take care of the bereaved.

 

[MIGrandma]

Letting those who offered support know that my Mom passed away yesterday (Monday) morning. It's hard, so hard, but I'm relieved too. She is now with my Dad and is happy again. She was so "ready to go" and mentioned that several times before she passed. We saw her Sunday afternoon, she was sleeping, as usual, when we got there and it may sound morbid but I checked her breathing to make sure she was still alive. I'd been doing that awhile now. Touched her shoulder and she woke up, looked at us, said hello and gave us the nicest smile. We tried to sit her up to drink her milkshake (always took her one) but she was too weak, and couldn't suck the shake through the straw either even though it had melted some and we'd stirred it for her. She immediately went back to sleep so we stayed a bit longer, but then I leaned down, kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest. She hardly stirred at that point, and this was about 2:00 in the afternoon.

At 6:30 that evening the nurse called and said they could no longer get her vitals and that she was completely unresponsive to anyone. She said if anyone wanted to see her one more time they should come within a couple of hours. I did not want to go back, didn't feel it would do her or myself any good. And our kids/grands had already seen her so they didn't go up again either. She made it through the night and passed yesterday morning, shortly after 10:00. Hospice was with her when it happened.

Tonight is a special viewing for just immediate family, us, our kids and grands. Tomorrow is visitation in the afternoon and again in the evening, then her funeral is on Thursday afternoon. I asked the funeral home director if it has ever been done that the graveside service, after the regular funeral service, was just private for immediate family and he said it is not the usual thing, but not unusual either and has been done before so that's what I requested. After the service they will just announce that burial will be at a later time, then after everyone has left we will proceed to the cemetery. The kids and grands are looking forward to coming back to our house for a light meal (our daughter and son-in-law are handling that responsibility and already have the food ordered) and to look at photo albums of Mom's.

The funeral director asked for 20 photos of Mom, from her childhood on up to as present as possible, for the guest book. And another 40 to add to that 20, to make a video for us. So, last night and this morning DH and I were going through all of her photo albums and did manage to pick 60 out. It was therapeutic doing that, and we are already planning to show the video to the kids/grands at our family Christmas gathering, in honor of her.

It's going to be hard, so very hard, to see her in that casket tonight. But. I owe it to her to make sure her hair is done properly and that they haven't put too much make-up on her as she didn't wear it, and I requested to have her nails done too. It's the last thing I can give her. So I've prayed to God for the strength to get through tonight, tomorrow and Thursday. And I know my family will support me.

I probably won't be on here for a few days now, but do want to thank everyone that has offered their support and their prayers. Thank you all so much.

 

[mnrose]

Sending you prayers for peace.

 

[hereyago]

OP, my condolences. Prayers and thoughts to you and your family.