Appropriate gift for Sun afternoon wedding?

[paladin]

IMHO it is absurd to think about how much a wedding costs when deciding what your gift should be. Gifts are/should be something from the heart, not the cost of admission.

If the bride and groom need to make back the money that they spent on the wedding, then maybe they couldn't afford it and shouldn't have spent that much in the first place. The people who come to the wedding are supposed to be "guests", not "customers".

 

[rantnnravin]

I'm not going to get into what a bride and groom should or shouldn't do - it's not my place to judge. No one is charging admission.
We, as family and friends of the happy couple, CHEERFULLY give a gift from the heart. To quote Barbosa, we use the costs not so much as a rule, but a guideline - in very much the same way a gift registry guides guests - it is still up to the discretion of the giver to CHOOSE what/how much he or she will give and whether or not they will actually give a gift according to the guideline. It's an easy/quick way to make a determination of an appropriate amount, can be adjusted up or down according to the giver's discretion, and is NOT an expected cover charge.

 

[Ava]

What is the average price per head for venues in the NY tri-state area? I've never had a wedding and am not from NY originally, so I have no idea what the costs actually are here. I know it varies a lot by venue/season/day but what's the average, or a ballpark?

 

[rantnnravin]

when I got married in '96, the places we looked at were anywhere from $50-125 per person

 

[Evi]

Wow I'm blown away by some of these shocked responses. When I was a kid growing up my mother always gave $100 per head for a wedding so I don't see anything wrong with people giving $200 per head today. Granted your not required to. You should only give what you want to give and what your comfortable with giving. That said please don't go and buy whatever you think the bride may want that's not included in the gift registry, unless you personally know her well enough to know she would love it. I've listened to many a couple talk about some of the odd gifts they received for their wedding. So though some of us think we are crafty, I don't think wedding gifts are the time to give them out unless you know its something the couple really wants or asked you for.

 

[Vijoge]

I plugged in the info from the last wedding to which we were invited.
The bride was the sister of a friend/co-worker, but I did not know her personally and we had never met. We did not attend the wedding so there was no expense involved for either the couple or ourselves. I did not attend any of her showers. I can't remember if she got married in October or November so I figured it both ways. The calculator said my gift should be $35 or $85, depending on the date. I gave $50.

 

[the Fidge]

I was married on Long Island, the usual reason for a Sunday PM wedding has to do with availability at a venue. Trust me not a discounted wedding on Long Island! In November of 1995 for a Saturday afternoon reception without open topshelf , we paid 75 per person. I was married at the Milleridge Inn. Hope it helps.....here in PA weddings we attended initially the couples were ready to have us be Godparents after our gifts....thankfully we adjusted our gifts to our new lower incomes.

 

[ktlm]

Expensive wedding gifts for casual friends and acquiantances are an East Coast thing. I know, I married a New Jersey boy. The weddings are also generally much more lengthy, lavish, and expensive there. It is pretty much standard up there for the wedding to be that first you have the ceremony, then you have the cocktail hour (with open bar); then you have a sit down dinner; then you have the party with a band or DJ, dancing and more booze. (Seems like the things last forever! ) Because of the ridiculous amount of money spent on the East Coast weddings, the gifts are generally bigger and you tend to see more cash gifts than registry gifts.

Down here in the Southern Midwest, the typical wedding is ceremony, and party (with hors d' ourves (usually heavy) instead of a sit down dinner), and sometimes just wine and beer instead of a full open bar. Sometimes you will see a cash bar in addition to the open wine and beer, and sometimes it is a full open bar. Occasionally, you will have a sit down dinner, but it is more the exception than the norm. Around here, the typical wedding gift is $50 to $100 bucks. Usually, gifts of more than that are from close family or very close friends.

 

[the Fidge]

You got that right and the funny thing about our wedding the folks that were obsessed about how much people were giving them for their weddings always gave the LEAST!! Our gifts at the time of our wedding averaged 40 per person. Were we looking to recoup of course not, but it was very funny how the empty cans made the most noise!

 

[ceecee]

I've got to say things have sure changed in the last 20 years. The most cash we got from one person was $50.00. A lot of my DH friends were professionals as well. I just brought an informal wedding in OH June on a Saturday and it said $340!!! We haven't been to a wedding that included a meal in years.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

We went to a wedding last weekend,we knew the parents of the bride but met her once maybe twice, never the groom. It was a small wedding, not much larger reception. I framed and embelished the matting of their invitation and gave $25. This was in Western NY.

Last year DH was best man in a roughly $40,000 wedding in, you guessed it, LI. After all that was involved in that, tux, bachelor party, staying there for 3 nights, etc, we spent $1000. The gift was again the embelished, framed invite (it was my favorite wedding gift 17 years ago so I always do that) and $50. It was all we could do after all it had cost us. I knew going in that we should have given more, but it was all we could afford, we were the groom's only friends to show up (his family did, but no other friends made the trip.) We figured they wanted us there, to be a part of the day, so we did all we could do at the time.

The most we got for our wedding 17 years ago was $200 from my mom and that was to use as we saw fit to put towards our wedding. (My grandparents paid for the wedding and told us to keep the $200.)

 

[JeffreyY]

We will be attending a wedding this Oct. at a wine vineyard on LI. The bride is the daughter of my good friend. We will give $250. This will not cover the cost which is excess of $150 PP but this is what we can afford. The week before we will be attending a Bat Mitzvah(a coming of age) also on LI. We will probably give $300ish because my DD will be going too. They are spending $80+ dollars PP. This is just the way it is here in the NYC area. We have come to accept it.

 

[Vijoge]

I have a friend who was born in India, now living in the Chicago suburbs. She attends a lot of weddings involving children of close friends and extended family. She says that in her circle a wedding gift of at least $1000 is customary. She says she and her DH usually give about $2000. They give more if it is a really close relative, like a niece or nephew.

 

[Vijoge]

Last year DH was best man in a roughly $40,000 wedding in, you guessed it, LI.

Not surprising, though, as Nassau County is one of the wealthiest in the country, with Suffolk County not far behind. I would expect that someone who makes upwards of $100K would spend more for a wedding than someone making $50K. And since their friends are probably their socio-economic equals they would no doubt give wedding gifts that are considerably more generous than those received by couples in less affluent areas.

 

[arminnie]

Gifts differ everywhere..
Here in the Northeast weddings are expensive and so are the gifts

I used the calculator and plugged in for a formal wedding, peak season, etc and it came up with $35!!!

This is the grand-daughter of my late mother's best friend. We spent every Christmas eve with them for decades. I used to babysit the father of the groom, watched his courtship, marriage, daughter's birth and growing up.

I was sick and didn't get to go to the wedding, but my sister did. It was an open bar, band and meal. I'm giving more or giving a much more expensive gift. Here it's not that big of a deal if you send the present after the wedding so I don't feel bad about it being late.

But $35-50 is what I'd probably spend on a casual friend's child or a work acquaintance.

I have a question for the Northeastern people. If the bride and groom are in extremely well paid positions and in very, very good shape financially would they feel comfortable if a relative of extremely limited means gave them $300.

I would be appalled and feel so guilty if one of my aunts living on social security gave me a large amount of cash. But in the NE would the relative feel awful if they didn't give that amount? Couple might not want it, but the relative is trying to "save face"?? Just curious, no judgement on what is normal for you.

 

[the Fidge]

I used the calculator and plugged in for a formal wedding, peak season, etc and it came up with $35!!!

This is the grand-daughter of my late mother's best friend. We spent every Christmas eve with them for decades. I used to babysit the father of the groom, watched his courtship, marriage, daughter's birth and growing up.

I was sick and didn't get to go to the wedding, but my sister did. It was an open bar, band and meal. I'm giving more or giving a much more expensive gift. Here it's not that big of a deal if you send the present after the wedding so I don't feel bad about it being late.

But $35-50 is what I'd probably spend on a casual friend's child or a work acquaintance.

I have a question for the Northeastern people. If the bride and groom are in extremely well paid positions and in very, very good shape financially would they feel comfortable if a relative of extremely limited means gave them $300.

I would be appalled and feel so guilty if one of my aunts living on social security gave me a large amount of cash. But in the NE would the relative feel awful if they didn't give that amount? Couple might not want it, but the relative is trying to "save face"?? Just curious, no judgement on what is normal for you.

We received gifts from relatives that I was just so thankful could be there. I shredded those checks and how well they meant bless their hearts! I did not know how long they would be here and that was what mattered that they were there!

My husband and I paid for our wedding and paid and paid and not all Nassau residents are in high brackets I assure you. Like I mnetioned earlier some guests that were not on my list shhh don't tell DH but thought nothing of always bragging of what they had how much this and that cost and how for their wedding they better not be nickled and dimed! Well of course some of those folks mispalced their cards sure ya did!

Our wedding was wonderful and my favorite moments were shared with my family members that despite their health were there. Sadly some never lived long enough to see my son here on earth but their blessings abound from heaven.

It is very easy to get caught up in what is expected of one but whatever you do, do no harm !!! Don't hurt yourself do what is comfortable for you and your family. After the wedding is over what you should remember is not the size of the gift but the joy in ones heart!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I used the calculator and plugged in for a formal wedding, peak season, etc and it came up with $35!!!

This is the grand-daughter of my late mother's best friend. We spent every Christmas eve with them for decades. I used to babysit the father of the groom, watched his courtship, marriage, daughter's birth and growing up.

I was sick and didn't get to go to the wedding, but my sister did. It was an open bar, band and meal. I'm giving more or giving a much more expensive gift. Here it's not that big of a deal if you send the present after the wedding so I don't feel bad about it being late.

But $35-50 is what I'd probably spend on a casual friend's child or a work acquaintance.

I have a question for the Northeastern people. If the bride and groom are in extremely well paid positions and in very, very good shape financially would they feel comfortable if a relative of extremely limited means gave them $300.

I would be appalled and feel so guilty if one of my aunts living on social security gave me a large amount of cash. But in the NE would the relative feel awful if they didn't give that amount? Couple might not want it, but the relative is trying to "save face"?? Just curious, no judgement on what is normal for you.

I am sure the couple would be glad the person came! Unless they were selfish twits!! LOL.

My bff got married 24 years ago, in NYC, Queens. Now, at the time I had just left my ex, had 2 infants, and was living with my parents. I was supposed to be her Matron of Honor, but just couldn't justify the cost of a dress I couldn't/woudln't ever wear again. BFF understood..heck she didn't want to take the money I did give her as a gift! It wasn't alot, I think between 25 and 50, but I wouldn't go empty handed.

She had been my MOH at my very small wedding 4 years earlier and she was still a college student at the time. I can't even remember what she gave me, heck I was glad she was there.

I know I gave her 2 DS's 180.00 each for their Bar Mitzvah's 3 years ago. It was in LI, and 4 of us attended.

I base it on my relationship with the person, and what I can afford. I don't base it on the type of party.

Now, bff and I have a friend in common who was at all our kids bar mitzvahs, and my second wedding. I found it funny and strange (so did bff), that she and her husband, at each of these events (5 of them) sit at the table and discuss what to give. It's like IDOL and they are judging the party . LOL, when bff told me this (this was after my older 2 boys Bar Mitzvah and my wedding) I was like . LOL, then I saw them do it at ther other events. Hey, to each their own.

Now, my DS is getting married in 8 days . I will have no idea what anyone gives, since my DS will not tell me a thing! LOL, so I wouldn't even be able to reciprocate later on based on that!! LOL!! My other DS asked what he should give, he is the best man. The groom told him not to worry, since he travled here, rented a tux, bachelor party weekend (in progress as I type this), hotel, etc... I know my DS, he will still give his big brother a gift!

Heck...DS didn't ask us for anything for this event, and I have no idea what to give!! This is our first wedding . That website didn't cover my situation at all!! LOL, it only allows for 2 or 1 guests. LOL!!

You need to give what you can afford, and what you feel is appropriate for the relationship!

 

[swilshire]

I plugged in the info from the last wedding to which we were invited.
The bride was the sister of a friend/co-worker, but I did not know her personally and we had never met.

I can't believe brides send invitations to people they've never met! How odd!

I thought a wedding was to celebrate your love in the company of your friends and family.

I would never attend or even consider sending a gift to someone I had never met unless they were the child or grandchild of one of my closest friends. Even in that case, I'd be surprised to be invited if I had no relationship with the child.

Sheila

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Wait, were you serious??

I don't think I've ever in my entire life given more than $100 as a wedding gift (and that was for my sisters).

That amount of money is ridiculous for a wedding gift.

I give at least that amount to co-workers and casual friends. Family and close friends can go more than $500.

 

[patsal]

Oh I like that site....It told me I should give my Sister $5. I gave her $100 as I didn't attend the wedding since I was on vacation.