Appropriate amount to spend for wedding/graduation gifts??

[Cindy B]

The covering the plate idea is just so tacky. We purposely planned a small affair (less than 80 people) just so my family didn't feel like they needed to be extravangant.

I was paying for my own wedding, so back then I did the things the way I wanted, and it all worked out.

 

[cinmell]

We give $100.00 for weddings, more for close friends and family and $50.00 for graduations.

 

[tkyes]

Wow, this thread is a real eye-opener!

We usually give $20 for graduations and $30 for weddings, unless we are close with them, then we'll give more.

I think we are giving $50 - $60 for a wedding we are attending this weekend.

That is absolutely insane to cover the cost of the wedding with your gift! How horrible! I'm just in shock that people think like that. If you can't afford to throw a party and need to recoup your costs through gifts, you should just avoid the party all together. That's not what it's about! WOW!!



tamie

 

[aprincessmom]

For non-family members I give $50 for HS graduations and $100-150 for weddings (depending on how close I am to them).

For family members it is higher.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I hate to think that gift giving is no longer about "giving" a gift to someone to show that you wish them well but rather about "payback" for the price of their party.

That was my reaction reading this thread too! I should not think how much their party costs them should have anything to do with what the cost of the gift is! Makes me think our society has crumbled!

 

[dianeschlicht]

Tami, I wonder if maybe we are just a bit TOO midwestern! I was actually offended by the thought of gauging the cost of your gift by the cost of the party! At that rate, we would have had NO gifts! Our reception was a catered picnic in a flower garden!

 

[BethR]

I read ToyStory Fan's reply last night and was afraid to reply to it then. But now that several others have voiced displeasure with the concept of "covering the plate," I will say a few words.

First of all, I when I am invited to a party, I am sorry, but I never think about what the host/hostess had to spend to have me there. I guess I just feel that I was invited because the host/hostess wanted me with them to help them celebrate their special occasion.

I remember reading a Miss Manners column from a number of years ago that has stuck with me. She said that it is not the guests' business to be sure that the party is paid for. It is the Host/Hostess' business to make sure that they throw a party that they can afford. If it means that only Punch and Cake are served - then so be it. A celebration is just that - a celebration of an important event in someone's life. It does not "require" any particular KIND of party, food, or drink. Nor, says Miss Manners, should it entail anyone going in debt. (I will be sure to remind my 4 DDs of that! ) The gift should reflect what the guest can afford and their "closeness" to the Host/Hostess.

And to those who are the GUESTS at someone's party, I would find it very unsavory if they based their gift upon what kind of party is being given. The gift is to honor the recipient - not to pay for the party. So if a guest gives LESS to someone based upon where the party is and what is served, I would find that equally as bad as the hosts who expect a particular gift based upon the same criteria.

OK. I feel better now.

 

[Mishetta]

Calm Down everyone. I don't think ToyStory Fan meant that you were expected to "cover your plate" but it's just something that (me included) like to do, as a courtesy.

When my DH & I planned our wedding at a very nice venu, we absolutely had no intentions of recouping our $$$. People gave what they wanted & if they wanted to come empty handed, that was fine too....but in no uncertain terms were we expecting people to pay up for my wedding!

What ToyStory Fan was just doing was explaining their reasoning for giving what they give. I totally agree too. I like to give enough to at least "cover my plate" & if I can afford too (or want too), I'll throw in a little more. I don't find anything "disgusting" about that. I find that very thoughtful, IF you are financially able too. If not, then just give what you can.

 

[tiggerlover]

I am from New York too and although I don't agree with it, I grew up with the rule of thumb that you always cover the cost of your plate. But as time has passed the costs have skyrocketed and I wouldn't even consider paying $200 to "cover my plate". I believe a gift is a gift, you give what you can afford based on how close you are to the receivers.

With that said, we usually give friends $100 for weddings (and mind you since DH is in the military we are never home so we just send money). I can't comment on what we would give a family member because they are all married. As for graduations, my neice is graduating in June from HS and we plan to give her $100 and a small gift. If it was for a neighbor or an aquaintance, I would either buy a gift or give them $25-$50 depending on how close we were with the receiver.

 

[tkyes]

Yes, Diane, it sounds like it could be a regional thing. I think the midwest suits me just fine


Mishetta, I don't think anyone is attacking ToyStoryFan. It's just that this idea is foreign to some of us.

I don't put any thought it to how much money a party is costing the host/hostess. If they can't afford it they shouldn't have it.


Our money from our wedding went towards starting our future not paying for the party.


Tamie

 

[BethR]

Some times the bride's parents are not the one's
footing the bill for the wedding, so it would be somewhat
inconsiderate to not even "cover your plate" for the wedding.

Having been in the wedding business (I
was a stage manager/booking agent for a local wedding band)
you get to know how much weddings go for, prime wedding
season-spring and fall, it is not unusual for per person prices to
be upwards of $125 (just for the catering hall). That means a
$200 gift nets the couple a loss of $50

Thinking that your guests are putting you at a loss financially is very sad to me. Then be sure to only invite those whom you know can foot the bill.

I would hope that most Hosts and Guests feel as you do, Mishetta. But if you read this, it sounds as if a certain level of gift is expected to me. That is what I find distasteful.

 

[BethR]

But to all of that I will add - I do believe that a lot of a manner of thinking IS regional.

I think that Pittsburgh must be a part of the Mid-west!

 

[gina2000]

I'm from the NY metro area and covering the cost of the meal is something we try to do when we go to a wedding. Truthfully, it's something I want to do for the bride and groom....it's not expected but if I can afford it, I will do it. It's not meant to be distasteful, a tacky slam, nor an etched in stone expectation. If I can afford it, I take the cost of the wedding into consideration when I give a gift especially when it's an elaborate affair. I'll also give considerably more for a relative. It must be a regional thing because I've been brought up with the idea, don't find it distasteful, nor do I feel the onus is on me to pay for my plate no matter what. It's just something I try to do.

I'd never not attend a wedding if I couldn't cover the cost of the meal. And the bride and groom wouldn't want me to turn them down for that reason. But it is a consideration when I plan my gift - a consideration that I, as the guest, think about.....not I, as the bride, ever worried about.

 

[Mishetta]

As most of you stated, it must be a "regional" thing because although my DH & I had our elaborate wedding in Michigan (with all my friends & family), we also had a reception in California (where we lived at the time.) Our gifts from Michigan were phenominal ~ again, we didn't care IF we received or not..it was more important to have our loved ones around us. But from California where my DH's family is from, we got $5 & $10 gifts in some envelopes. I must admit, I was surprised, but it was not for THAT reason we invited our guests....we wanted them to celebrate in our marriage. Our Calfornia friends were much more generous though.

Oh...did I mention my DH's family were all opposed to us getting married??

 

[kdibattista]

Our "norm" would be $50 for graduation and $100 for wedding

 

[apagano]

This thread brings back memories. My second cousin got married in 1996. It was the first wedding I ever attended where I was responsible for my own gift, since I was no longer living with my parents and was invited separately. My date (now my wife) and I decided to give $50. When my mother found out what we were giving she flipped out and said it was tacky not to "cover the plate". I told her if she felt so passionate about it, then she should give me money for the gift because I could not afford to give more than 50 bucks. After all, it was none of her business anyway. She handed me another 50 bucks on the spot and told me to give $100.

This gesture, in turn, ticked off my girlfriend, who was insulted by my mother's behavior. She unloaded on me about it. Thankfully it all blew over and she is now my wife, but every once in a while this story will come up in conversation. I dread those moments!

 

[cindala]

Originally posted by Mskanga
We lived in Northern NJ too and that's the reason why we moved 8 years ago. But geez, $8.000 a year in car insurance....how many cars do you have??

We have three cars, but my DD is in the rated driver tier because she has been driving under 2 years; both DH and I are in the preferred tier. Her insurance alone is $4,000. We have collision and comprehensive on all three.

And... I definitely agree that the wedding gift amounts are a regional thing. The NY/NJ metro area is ridiculous with how lavish many think their wedding has to be, and the wedding gifts reflect that lavishness. Obvious if you were having an afternoon wedding in the backyard with finger sandwiches, $25 would do.

Someone posted earlier that they wondered what a wedding in NJ must cost; well the cheapest would be about $20,000, but the average would probably be in the $25,000-$30,000 range. Personally, I think the simpler the better. But I live in NJ and have 2 DD's. Yikes!!! I better move!!

 

[CourtasanSatine]

I would say 25-50 for a graduation and something from the register or a GC for a wedding

 

[ToyStory Fan]

To those who felt my explanation offered a certain level of tackiness to it, that's fine it is you r opinion and you are entitled to it. For those from the area I appreciate your backing, but I do not feel as if I am being attacked. I was simply trying to explain what some others considered an exorbitant gift, or the gesture of covering your plate.

It may truly be a regional thing, but I have been to weddings in the mid-west and in the south, and I still gave the same gift I would've in a NY wedding. I am not suggesting that I would raise or lower my gift based on where it was (catering hall or picnic)... that's what you wanted, or all you could afford fine, but as a guest I would NEVER lower my gift amount as a result of where your party was or wasn't.

The one thing I haven't seen here that may help confirm the regional issue is what the going rate for weddings are at banquet halls or country clubs in different areas of the country. Again this only lends credibility to the "regional conditioning theory". If I know what we paid for our wedding, and I know someone else who gets married at the same place, and I know they are paying for it themselves then I would absolutely make sure that I was giving them a "gift" not just gracing them with my presence.

My statements were made on the basis that in NY we have been conditioned with these huge blow-out type weddings and in many cases a mentality of covering your plate. It was not a suggestion by any means that it should be expected by the hosts, nor was it a suggestion that it should be followed. It was simply my answer to the question how much do you normally give.

 

[jel0511]

Well said ToyStoryFan!! I couldn't agree with you more!!