Apparently I am a worthless stepmother...Vent

[Disney Doll]

I have always thought step-parenting was one of the hardest jobs in the world and I commend all of you who do it every day, sometimes with little or no thanks other than knowing you are doing the right thing.

Teenagers are hideous creatures, whether you birthed them or not! Hang in there, because they will turn into adults someday and appreciate what you sacrificed.

 

[Bluestars]

I just wanted to say hang in there. Their mother may come and go, but you will always be there for them. Someday, they will appreciate it.

Being a step parent must not be easy at all. If I were you, I would listen when they talk about their mother and sympathize with their feelings. I would let them know I love them and will always be there for them when they need me.

Sometimes parenting teenagers is a thankless job.

 

[LunchladyDoris]

I have always thought step-parenting was one of the hardest jobs in the world and I commend all of you who do it every day, sometimes with little or no thanks other than knowing you are doing the right thing.

Teenagers are hideous creatures, whether you birthed them or not! Hang in there, because they will turn into adults someday and appreciate what you sacrificed.

Who says the teenagers don't appreciate their step-mom? The kids have a natural concern over their mother, anyone would despite the fact that she has not been there for them. I think that the only real thing to do is to just be there for the kids. Their feelings for you has nothing to do with their feelings for their mom. I mean, you can be mad at her, but just be there for the kids.

 

[bumbershoot]

So my stepson 15

At 15, despite having been in a bio-dad-less house since I was 2, I was *finally* figuring out that my parents were never ever going to get back together. I was finally starting to figure out that my dad was probably going to be late for pickups and might blow us off altogether without a call. And along with understanding that they'd never get back together, I started to understand WHY they would not, and tat they *should* not.

He's still a kid, with a kid's understanding. He thinks he's big, but it's just really starting for him.

blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies.

That's awful. Poor kids.

Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.

That's so sad. Poor kids. At 15 he'll probably start to expect it, but in earlier years he probably believed everything she said she'd do. It's only now really dawning on him that she won't follow through, but he's probably still hoping she's telling the truth. Not because he wants her to be sick, but because he wants TRUTH.

I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you")

You...were in the wrong here. You might think about apologizing...you'd hate to have this be the ONE time she's truth-telling, ya know? My mom...she tried her best to help us understand that my dad's stuff wasn't because of us, or at us, but she also tried to not say bad things about him. I think you need to figure out that line, and not cross it. Once he's a fully grown adult you might be able to have those conversations, but not now.

That just made him more angry.

He doesn't want her to be sick, but he doesn't want her to be lying to him, either. You're there, you're trustworthy. I never EVER said anything angry to my dad. I said the angry stuff to my mom. I trusted her. She would be there. He got angry with YOU because you're safe. He's not going to call HER out on her junk; she might never call again. She might abandon them completely.

I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)

Well...if you were having tests, the kids would probably know, though I'm sure you would try to lighten their burden. If she's having tests it's OK for them to know, but if she's being overly dramatic I can see why it bugs you. And if it's totally untrue, of course it's going to get under your skin. But still...it's not a conversation you should have with the kids.

I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.

You must be so tired.

Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

You're just wiped out. I understand that you wouldn't be feeling peachy keen after all of that! Just be there for them. Listen to them. Continue being the safe one. And you're right...you shouldn't be buying extra stuff for the kids right now! Just don't do it out of anger at them.

They are children and they are worried about their mother. Sad that you say you won't buy them anything unless it is for school.....would you do that to your own children. Sad.

She said that this is how she FEELS. She's allowed to FEEL certain ways. She's reached out for support and help. Not for people to assume that a *feeling* means she's going to never buy them anything fun again. Gracious.


*******

Also, as a stepkid three times over, I really resent comments that stepkids always hate their stepparents! Even when I wanted my mom and dad to get back together (just b/c that's how literally ALL of my friends and classmates were, I was the ONLY child of divorce in my grade until 5th grade), I still loved my stepmom and stepdad. In my kid fantasies I think I always had them getting married to each other, to make sure THEY were still happy and I could see them. My stepmom and I have fallen apart more recently for a few reasons, but growing up she was the bees knees. And my stepdad was great fun. My current stepdad I've only known as a non-minor, and we have adult sorts of problems in communication, but he was still a good husband, and I couldn't fault how he took care of my mother.

Not ALL stepkids think their stepparents are awful.

 

[momof5boys]

To all that responded thank you. Some were negative but thats ok. I didn't say anything to my DSS regarding his mother just that it might not be too serious if she was home having testing done(I thought that would calm him down, it didn't) Her started everything by attacking my 13yo when he said"your momma" in no context to his actually mother. This was witnessed by the other 15yo so I know what happened there. The 18yo is not as bad but that was because we let him go live with his mother when he was in 5th grade. He was very negelected and failed that grade, was left home alone alot. After we took him back he never asked to go back. There is a half sister involved and she has contact with my husband(still tells him if he stayed with her mom she wouldn't have gotten into as much trouble as she had, juvie, house arres,. 3 pregnancies by age 18) I am by no means a saint, just needed to vent, I don't want to burden my family with this stuff so here I am! As for my own medical problems, no one (not even my DH) knew about them until I mentioned it tonight, as I don't want to alarm anyone. I just muddle through best as I can.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hi OP I am not a step mom and I never had one either so read my advice knowing have never been there. I have, however, worked with teens a lot as both a teacher and young adult librarian and I have a teen of my own now. I know they can be difficult at times (and sometimes those phases last a few minutes and other times they seem to last for months on end) and I do not blame you one iota for venting and being frustrated. I think Molly is spot on that he takes out his frustrations on you instead of on his mother becuase he feels safe and loved by you whereas deep down he knows he could lose what little he gets from his mother if he takes them to her. It may help to try to remember that when he is driving you up a wall. Add in to that the stress you are under being a sole bread winner in an unstable economy and having medical tests (and not even feeling like you can share it with anybody) and you must be a saint to have made it through with only venting here

My guess is that at 15 he is begining to truly realize what type of person his mother is. He is probably torn between believing her that her heart is at risk and believing this is a made up story. He probably also feels guilty for daring to think of his mother as dishonest (even though she has shown herself to be many times--the tendancy is to be loyal in your heart to your family no matter what). So, he is likely, on some (very possibly subconcious) level he is struggling with both fear and guilt. He may be MORE Likely to worry about her and talk about how concerned he is in an attempt to assauge his guilt and even try to convince himself that she is trustworthy becuase he just does not want to believe the alternative (who would?).

So, he is upset and in turmoil over all of these emotions, and you are there and he is saying these things to you and you offer "comfort" by telling him that YOU, his rock, the person he CAN trust, the person he does not need to convince himself to trust, is sick and has heart problems Now he is really terrified and scared and angry is the best defense he has. Now, I TOTALLY get why you told him about your tests and how it would seem that would make him feel better. Really, I might well haev done the same thing in your shoes. None the less, I bet it scared the beejeebies out of him.

So---my advice is to step back and look at all the comments that are hurting you as comming from what is probably a very hurt "little" boy and see what you can do to offer comfort. More than likely that will bring down his defense mechanism (which sounds like in him tilts towards hurting others for portection--as it does for MANY people) and you can all feel better.

Good luck.

 

[bumbershoot]

To all that responded thank you. Some were negative but thats ok. I didn't say anything to my DSS regarding his mother just that it might not be too serious if she was home having testing done(I thought that would calm him down, it didn't).

Ooh, I totally didn't catch that YOU are having health problems, I'm sorry.

And the way you just explained it makes much more sense. If it came across to him in the way you just explained it, then probably no apologies necessary, I take that back.

 

[ldrprn]

I am married the the step dad. I guess that makes me Mom. I can't say enough to just hang in there. Being a step parent is probably one of the most difficult things you'll ever do, But so worth it in the end. My kids would often side with their dad, and come home and tell my husband how much their dad hated him. we worked very hard to keep their relationship with their dad up even though he took it for granted. He was pretty much absentee. My husband would always say I understand, and I am not here to take your dad's place. just another person here for you if you need me.
Now that the kids are grown they can not imagine life without my husband. They know that he would do anything for them, and they would do anything for him.
Hang in there. It does get better.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP I know you were just venting and aren't going to be mean to the kids. I am not a stepparent but I can only imagine how hurt you must have felt to hear them say those things. Still, they are kids and I am sure deep down, even though they appreciate you and love you they wish with all their heart that their own Mom would be the same way.
I hope you are having a better day today. You have a lot on your plate and if it were me I would have been hurt too. Keep loving them and try to look past it. They probably are just lashing out to hurt someone (and you were the target unfortunately) so they wouldn't be the only ones hurting.
Good luck.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I understand what you are going through. My stepdaughter is 16. I started dating her Dad when he was 26 and I was 19 and a sophomore in college. She was 5 and I fell in love with her as well. Her dad got
out of the army soon after and we both sacrificed so much for her when money was obviously tight with both of us in school. She went to a great school, did competitive gymnastics, took disney trips, wore the clothes she wanted from Limited Too, etc.

We put her needs first for so long, and I don't regret any of it. However, now that she is 16 and we have a 5 year old, it gets hard hearing about how bad she had it and how good her sister has it. My husband and I will both graduate with our master's degrees this spring, and money is much less tight now----but she never went without anything. Hearing her moan about how bad she had it makes me bristle sometimes because I was 19 years old and gave up SO much for her. I don't expect gratitude and constant thanks at all, but knowing how much I gave up for her it is a bit hard to take the fact that it appears now that none of it was appreciated, and that she looks back and sees a childhood and remembers all the things she did without (such as private school and a four bedroom house, the poor dear!)
I keep telling myself she will outgrow it, but I think it's hard for anyone, stepparent or not, to feel unappreciated.

I'm sure it's just temporary. Soon she'll realize all you sacrificed.

It's something we typical (birth/biological) parents go through, as well.

 

[livie1205]

I know what you going through...I know its tuff.I do EVERYTHING for my DSS..I buy all his clothes,school stuff and I am the only one who has taken him to the dr or dentist in 6 yrs! His mom doesnt even know where his dr office is... but I understand he cant see this about his mom because its his mom...one day when he is older he will understand.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I know what you going through...I know its tuff.I do EVERYTHING for my DSS..I buy all his clothes,school stuff and I am the only one who has taken him to the dr or dentist in 6 yrs! His mom doesnt even know where his dr office is... but I understand he cant see this about his mom because its his mom...one day when he is older he will understand.

Hugs to all the other stepmoms out there. I've been doing this for a long time and not to frighten any of you but sometimes they become adults and it doesn't get better. I have 3 SDs. One is completely under the spell of her mother. I blame it on the fact that the woman never wanted her once she left the cute stage after 1st grade. So when SD became an adult and was capable of supporting mommy dearest, the mother opened her arms and invited her back. The woman doesn't work and the 21 yo is supporting her. So yep, the sun rises and sets on a woman that never wanted her when there was work involved (and never paid a dime of support). Now that the daughter can work and support mommy, she's welcome. And they've been getting drunk together for years. Nice. But again, DH and I never say a bad word. Maybe one day she'll understand how dysfunctional the relationship is.

 

[disykat]

having a teen who thinks you're not good for anything = normal

being a parent who gets frustrated with that = normal

100% normal here!

 

[kafitty]

Two Words:

TEENAGE BOYS!!!



no, really though, it's good you can vent here...but it may be best to not discuss their mom with them. You can listen, and offer advice if asked for it, but not make any comments (which they will immediately take as "judgements" and become hostile to).

These posters got it:

I have always thought step-parenting was one of the hardest jobs in the world and I commend all of you who do it every day, sometimes with little or no thanks other than knowing you are doing the right thing.

Teenagers are hideous creatures, whether you birthed them or not! Hang in there, because they will turn into adults someday and appreciate what you sacrificed.

having a teen who thinks you're not good for anything = normal

being a parent who gets frustrated with that = normal

100% normal here!

 

[DVCmom1960]

Yup, teenage boys, I always planned on burying mine in the back yard until they outgrew that phase. Their dad left when the second was a baby. I remarried and I bet my boys step dad could relate to your situation! Their dad was/is a sociopath. But guess what here it is 13ish years later both LOVE and rely on stepdads opinions and wised up to birthdads lack of ambition etc.etc. Ya cant defend yourself with teens they will not be rational for at least another 5 years or so, I got one word for you..... Wellbutrin. Better living thru chemistry is the only answer to teenage boys!! (well, not really but you know what I mean)

 

[momof5boys]

UPDATE, Well it happened again! Except this time it was the oldest! The 2 youngest kids were outside shoveling the several inches of snow, I told the older ones they needed to help and here we go again! The oldest starts screaming that "my kids" need to do some work around here and why does he have to do everything(he doesn't). He said they need to be taught some responsiblity. Uh yeah Mr. Responsible, still need to get 40 hrs of community service done by April and overdrafted his checking account twice in 2 weeks(he's had the account for 3 weeks) Now the oldest told me he doesn't want me at his birthday party tomorrow at his grandmothers so fine. But now my husband said no one is going and MIL is mad at me. If we didn't have so much snow I'd be out of here!

 

[tnmt]

I would tell him if he didn't like how it was at home then he could find a place of his own where he didn't have to shovel snow or better yet go live with his bio mom. I would not let him yell at me in my own home.

 

[Mermaid02]

UPDATE, Well it happened again! Except this time it was the oldest! The 2 youngest kids were outside shoveling the several inches of snow, I told the older ones they needed to help and here we go again! The oldest starts screaming that "my kids" need to do some work around here and why does he have to do everything(he doesn't). He said they need to be taught some responsiblity. Uh yeah Mr. Responsible, still need to get 40 hrs of community service done by April and overdrafted his checking account twice in 2 weeks(he's had the account for 3 weeks) Now the oldest told me he doesn't want me at his birthday party tomorrow at his grandmothers so fine. But now my husband said no one is going and MIL is mad at me. If we didn't have so much snow I'd be out of here!

I think his father needs to have a talk with him about "screaming" at you. Not acceptable... I would encourage my husband to go to the bday party.... and when anyone asks where you are direct them to speak with the birthday boy and make sure he tells the truth. AND I'll add to that- your mil ought to tell the young man that it's her house and you are welcome there.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think his father needs to have a talk with him about "screaming" at you. Not acceptable... I would encourage my husband to go to the bday party.... and when anyone asks where you are direct them to speak with the birthday boy and make sure he tells the truth. AND I'll add to that- your mil ought to tell the young man that it's her house and you are welcome there.

I don't understand, weren't your kids already out there shoveling the snow?

I agree with the father stepping in and setting some boundaries about screaming at you. That should not fly. I also think the father should have a talk with the step-kids about pitting "your kids" against "them". The attitude alone drives a huge wedge in the family. You guys are a family and it's time the oldest (at least) started acting like one. I think the father is right. If the oldest doesn't want you at his party, he wouldn't get one. You don't cut a family member out like that. Edited to add: I think the oldest should apologize to you, big time.

I think the oldest was just looking for an excuse to say that to you.

I'm sorry things are no better.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't understand, weren't your kids already out there shoveling the snow?

I agree with the father stepping in and setting some boundaries about screaming at you. That should not fly. I also think the father should have a talk with the step-kids about pitting "your kids" against "them". The attitude alone drives a huge wedge in the family. You guys are a family and it's time the oldest (at least) started acting like one. I think the father is right. If the oldest doesn't want you at his party, he wouldn't get one. You don't cut a family member out like that.

I think the oldest was just looking for an excuse to say that to you.

I'm sorry things are no better.

Yeah, I think her kids were out there and she wanted the older kids to help....