Apparently I am a worthless stepmother...Vent

[momof5boys]

So my stepson 15 blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies. Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.
I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you") That just made him more angry. I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)Right now the state has a warrant out for her arrest due to non payment of child support. I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.
Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

 

[handinpocket]

They are children and they are worried about their mother. Sad that you say you won't buy them anything unless it is for school.....would you do that to your own children. Sad.

Apparently I am a worthless stepmother...Vent

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So my stepson 15 blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies. Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.
I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you") That just made him more angry. I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)Right now the state has a warrant out for her arrest due to non payment of child support. I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.
Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

 

[Tiffer]

Don't give up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So my stepson 15 blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies. Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.
I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you") That just made him more angry. I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)Right now the state has a warrant out for her arrest due to non payment of child support. I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.
Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

She may be a crappy mom but she is still their mom and kids worry. That is normal.

When my teens get like that, I say nothing and hug them. No words just hugs.

 

[DancingBear]

You say you don't think the birth mother should be burdening the boys as if you are sympathetic to their position, but apparently you're mad at them because they're not appreciative enough of you.

And I'm not even sure how worrying about their mom equals not being appreciative of you.

 

[DisneyJules]

I know it's probably so incredibly hard not to take these things personally but it sounds like the boys have some issues of their own that they're trying to deal with in regards to their mother. I'm sure there would be better ways of them expressing themselves but this is how it's coming out. They shouldn't be disrespectful with you or your DH but you should still be there for them and talk to them. My stepmom pretty much turned her back on me and that hurt me so much.

 

[Handbag Lady]

They are children and they are worried about their mother. Sad that you say you won't buy them anything unless it is for school.....would you do that to your own children. Sad.

That's not very fair at all. Clearly her step-kids are in pain due to their mother's health, but why on earth does that make her a bad step-mother for providing everything for most of their life?


OP, what does your DH think?

I think that there shouldn't be a trumping over one mom or the other. The DH needs to step in and let the kids see how much their step-mom has done. And, I think that the OP needs to be a little more sympathetic even though she is probably right in her ideas about the mom. The kids need to find out about their mom on their own. If the OP tries to point it out, she'll get the brunt of the anger.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Step-Mom here... I totally understand, it all hurts. But the best thing I did for myself was to learn to lend an ear if needed and to never cross their mother. After all, it is their mother - good or bad. And I know that the statement about not buying them anything was out of frustration. Better to write it here, than say it out loud.

Here's a for you. I hope you have the strenght to walk away and let it cool down.

 

[MrsPete]

Guess what. All step parents are worthless.

No, not really . . . but in the eyes of the children, who don't always pay much attention to the facts involved, at some point, all step parents are worthless. They're kids. When things are going badly, they tend to say, "This wouldn't be going on if my real mom were here." Logic doesn't come into play. They're going to say (and think and act upon) these things because they're not always in control of their emotions.

It's hard, but try to remember that they're kids and give them a break about it.

They are children and they are worried about their mother. Sad that you say you won't buy them anything unless it is for school.....would you do that to your own children. Sad.

Yeah, I would treat my own children that way. If I were in the situation described above -- a husband who isn't working and who has medical things going on -- yeah, I'd cut back on everything. It's smart, and good parenting isn't about providing stuff.

 

[DancingBear]

Yeah, I would treat my own children that way. If I were in the situation described above -- a husband who isn't working and who has medical things going on -- yeah, I'd cut back on everything. It's smart, and good parenting isn't about providing stuff.

The point wasn't that she shouldn't watch her expenses, it's that she appears to be saying this out of spite.

 

[a1tinkfans]

No judgement here, just hugs to you! Hang in there ALL kids can get on your nerves sometimes, Being a parent is not an easy job, LOL!

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Not an unappreciated Step-Mom but am an unappreciated regular Mom who feels your pain also.

DS17 has been so awful the last several months that I feel like i've been dragged through the briarpatch backward.

 

[dislaney]

If being a parent is one of the hardest job in the world. Being a step parent is a million times harder.

 

[wilderness01]

to you. Being a parent is hard enough without extra dynamics in there. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.

 

[handinpocket]

The point wasn't that she shouldn't watch her expenses, it's that she appears to be saying this out of spite.

Exactly. I didn't think it was hard to comprehend, but apparently it is.

 

[xkwisit]

I feel for you.... I am a step mom of a 15 & 17 yr old. I've been in their lives for the last 5 yrs & been more of a mom than their own mother. The BM (biological mother) has been in & out of their lives at her convenience for the last 7 yrs. She is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. I do try so hard to not say anything bad about her in front of the kids. She doesn't pay a penny of child support, barely gives them anything for their birthdays or Christmas & always has a list of her problems to share with them. The 17 yr old (girl) has basically given up on her & doesn't go to visit her anymore but the 15 yr old (boy) drops everything just to get alittle attention from her. I have given them all my love & everything they ever needed or wanted. They have come to realize what all is going on & have learned to appreciate me more alittle bit day by day. It does hurt when they talk the world about her but I've learned to ignore it & bite my tongue otherwise they get resentlful towards me. When I do ignore it they don't talk about her as much. I understand your pain that you are going thru especially after everything you have done for them for the last 11 yrs & on a single paycheck. Hugs to you! It will get better & eventually they will learn to appreciate you. Just hang on to some hope.

 

[agnes!]

No judgement from this quarter, just and .

agnes!
PS - Sounds like you need a ,too.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Step-Mom here... I totally understand, it all hurts. But the best thing I did for myself was to learn to lend an ear if needed and to never cross their mother. After all, it is their mother - good or bad. And I know that the statement about not buying them anything was out of frustration. Better to write it here, than say it out loud.

Here's a for you. I hope you have the strenght to walk away and let it cool down.

That's a nice post, with sage advice.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Do you think the bio-mom is telling the boys her health problems to have them lobby for her in light of the warrant? Whether that's her intent or not, that could be where they are coming from.

ETA- I'm not saying the warrant should be changed. Just thinking maybe that's the way the kids see it and that's why they are bringing it up? I don't know.

 

[cheermom1]

Step mom here ...I think that while they are kids they are still old enough to understand what is going on as well...with that said I'm sure all they really want is for their mom to be a mom...

They need to learn that it doesn't matter what is going on in their lives they need to respect others...

I would just be there for them and not say anything bad about their mom and reinforce good values on them..such as the way their mom is is not normal with out telling them that their mom is a jerk --does that make sense?? show them what a mother is all about ...

assure them that their mom is fine ...and if you really need to cut back on buying them things then you need to ..with just you working they will understand that sometimes money is not there for certain things any more...pretty much handle it the way you would if they were yours since they have been living with you anyway and you are their only mother figure right now...(yes their mom is mom but if she is in and out op is their mother figure period)....

 

[AC7179]

I understand what you are going through. My stepdaughter is 16. I started dating her Dad when he was 26 and I was 19 and a sophomore in college. She was 5 and I fell in love with her as well. Her dad got
out of the army soon after and we both sacrificed so much for her when money was obviously tight with both of us in school. She went to a great school, did competitive gymnastics, took disney trips, wore the clothes she wanted from Limited Too, etc.

We put her needs first for so long, and I don't regret any of it. However, now that she is 16 and we have a 5 year old, it gets hard hearing about how bad she had it and how good her sister has it. My husband and I will both graduate with our master's degrees this spring, and money is much less tight now----but she never went without anything. Hearing her moan about how bad she had it makes me bristle sometimes because I was 19 years old and gave up SO much for her. I don't expect gratitude and constant thanks at all, but knowing how much I gave up for her it is a bit hard to take the fact that it appears now that none of it was appreciated, and that she looks back and sees a childhood and remembers all the things she did without (such as private school and a four bedroom house, the poor dear!)
I keep telling myself she will outgrow it, but I think it's hard for anyone, stepparent or not, to feel unappreciated.