Anyone's MIL do this? Year after year?

[Justsyd2]

The thing is that SHE starts buying-and she never communicates until after she buys- meaning that, for example, the super cute sports bean bag that my son saw in Target and that I REALLY wanted to get for him from me has been purchased now by MIL.

She never asks first what DH and I have gotten or want to get our kids. She just starts getting stuff and some years we have actually had to scramble to get them ANYTHING from us! Because she 'takes over' the whole list some years. Anybody else have this happen? Or get annoyed when the grandparents don't communicate?

It doesn't sound to me that your children or MIL are doing anything wrong. It sounds like you have issues to deal with. If your children want something, and you MIL is happy to purchase it for them, why do you feel put out over it? I'd count it as a blessing. She's asking her grandchildren what they want, and getting it for them. How sweet is that? Does it really make a difference who buys it? Give her the lists! Then you purchase them something special and unique from YOU that's NOT on the list.

 

[disneymom2one]

We've been on both sides of this. When my mom and dad were alive, our 14 year old daughter meant everything to them. My mom would buy the strangest presents off QVC for her but I really miss those days. OTOH, we choose to not spend Christmas with my husband's side of the family. His mom is still alive and I know it upsets her but we had way too many dysfunctional years with them. It's not worth it to have holiday after holiday be unhappy. We take a vacation (usually to WDW) instead.

OTOH, with my mom and dad now gone, we do sort of function in that grandparent role for my sister's two babies (both born since my mom and dad passed). As much as we love spoiling them, we ALWAYS ask my sister before getting them something big. It's a simple "what do the girls need?" or "would this be okay to buy them?". She's their mom and I think it's her call. We celebrate Christmas with them on NYE and I love watching the little ones open presents but I also want my sister to be happy with what we chose.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The reason it is not easy to fix is that she lives 5 minutes away and the kids see her at least once a week...she will ask them what they have put on their lists and they will honestly tell her. If they say 2 things then she literally goes out and hunts those things down. Then she asks again next visit. She only asks if DH and/or are out of the room so it is something she KNOWS we wish she would stop doing. We have nicely discussed it with her in previous years.

This would be a non-issue for us if it were one or two or even 3 things. It is across the board with both kids. She does it with the only other grandchild as well. It seems to be a 'my gifts trump your gifts' sort of thing as mentioned by a previous poster. Annoying.

That is pretty annoying. However it will end as soon as the kids are older. Now if Grandma wants to run out and get my kids the latest computer, IPOD, or other expensive item then count yourself lucky.

How old are your kids?

Also there will be a day that Grandma won't be doing her Santa buying. It is a short term annoyance that is not worth going to war over.

 

[MushyMushy]

It doesn't sound to me that your children or MIL are doing anything wrong. It sounds like you have issues to deal with. If your children want something, and you MIL is happy to purchase it for them, why do you feel put out over it? I'd count it as a blessing. She's asking her grandchildren what they want, and getting it for them. How sweet is that? Does it really make a difference who buys it? Give her the lists! Then you purchase them something special and unique from YOU that's NOT on the list.

I totally agree. I just don't see getting all worked up over allowing a beloved grandparent to buy what the child wants! It sounds to me like you think you're the only one allowed to make your kids happy. It sounds like you have some jealousy going on.

At any rate, I'll gladly trade MILs with you. Mine *might* send presents 9 months after Christmas is over. The clothes inevitably never fit by then and/or the other items are junk. I'd love for them to have a grandmother who wanted to see them happy (like my own mother did).

 

[Jennasis]

I totally agree. I just don't see getting all worked up over allowing a beloved grandparent to buy what the child wants! It sounds to me like you think you're the only one allowed to make your kids happy. It sounds like you have some jealousy going on.

At any rate, I'll gladly trade MILs with you. Mine *might* send presents 9 months after Christmas is over. The clothes inevitably never fit by then and/or the other items are junk. I'd love for them to have a grandmother who wanted to see them happy (like my own mother did).

I do not understand this "be grateful you don't have MY MIL" mentality. In the world in which the OP lives in, THIS is her trouble. It bothers her.

So sorry some of you have "worse" MIL's but I fail to see how that has any bearing on the OP's situation. HOwever, hugs to those of you having any in-law issues.

 

[starwood]

Mine does the same thing (she is in CA and we are in NJ). However she runs out and buys things and then my mother buys the same things and she lets me know after the fact or when the gifts are opened on Christmas that she has bought it and then my mother has to return hers. She also tends to buy almost everything on the list never leaving anything for us or my mom.

 

[diznygirl]

It doesn't sound to me that your children or MIL are doing anything wrong. It sounds like you have issues to deal with. If your children want something, and you MIL is happy to purchase it for them, why do you feel put out over it? I'd count it as a blessing. She's asking her grandchildren what they want, and getting it for them. How sweet is that? Does it really make a difference who buys it? Give her the lists! Then you purchase them something special and unique from YOU that's NOT on the list.

OP - Although I agree that MIL is being super annoying, you could take advantage of this by letting her get the stuff on the list. And then get that super-special something that nobody else would/could get but you know the kids would love to have. For us last year it was membership to Club Penguin for my DS. It was the Best Gift Ever that Christmas. And he never asked for it. Looking for the silver lining, it sounds to me like you could be saving a lot o dough here. AND still be the one with the best gift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but any grandparent who is selfish enough to 'trump' a parent and their desire to be SANTA for their child, is NOT beloved.

Any grandparent who thinks they can trump a parent and 'buy' a grandchild's affections....

Any grandparent who is so totally disrespectful of the parents wishes... NOT beloved.

Believe me, grandparents who are selfish and controlling and over-involved can be just as bad, or WORSE, than grandparents who may not seem to 'dote' enough. It gets to the point where it is just toxic. Using gifts to control and buy affections and to usurp the special thing between a parent and their child is simply not 'beloved'. It is toxic.

I could not care any less about saving some dough...
My parental perogatives and my child's affections are not for sale.

OP: TAKE THE POWER BACK.
Talk to your husband.
Decide, together, on some reasonable boundaries.
Take whatever steps necessary to maintain them.
Something tells me if your MIL is like this on gifts, it is not the only area where she is overstepping. Something tells me that this is not the only area where your MIL has selfishness and control issues.


And, here is my biggest advice...
If this is your MIL, then you and your husband need to be on the same page... Your husband needs to be the one to address this with her... He needs to man-up and tell his mother that He (and you) are excited to be getting your children this, and this, and this (a written list). And let her know that if she can not respect this, then your children will not be opening her gifts until after SANTA, and that any duplicates will be returned or exchanged immediately.

 

[MushyMushy]

I do not understand this "be grateful you don't have MY MIL" mentality. In the world in which the OP lives in, THIS is her trouble. It bothers her.

So sorry some of you have "worse" MIL's but I fail to see how that has any bearing on the OP's situation. HOwever, hugs to those of you having any in-law issues.

That certainly wasn't my intent! I truly don't understand the attitude of not wanting the grandparents to "trump" Christmas, because my husband and I have always been glad to have the involvement and caring of my parents in the kids' lives! IMO, if grandma buys the bean bag chair, great! I can find something different for the kids, either on or off the list. Some of my kids' favorite gifts were the smaller ones they hadn't thought of. Well, except for the boxes everything came in.

I guess I was just never jealous of my kids' grandparents, and I sure don't remember my own parents trying to control mine and my sister's relationship with our grandparents.

 

[sunnyday123]

That certainly wasn't my intent! I truly don't understand the attitude of not wanting the grandparents to "trump" Christmas, because my husband and I have always been glad to have the involvement and caring of my parents in the kids' lives! IMO, if grandma buys the bean bag chair, great! I can find something different for the kids, either on or off the list. Some of my kids' favorite gifts were the smaller ones they hadn't thought of. Well, except for the boxes everything came in.

I guess I was just never jealous of my kids' grandparents, and I sure don't remember my own parents trying to control mine and my sister's relationship with our grandparents.

I see your point, and if you don't have someone in your life like this MIL, it's hard to understand the OP's point. In my case, it's my X. Last year, he bought DD Hollister, A&F and Limited Too clothes-a ton-and all this other super expensive stuff. And then told her, "This hoodie cost $49 billion dollars" over and over. He really drives in the how much he spends on her stuff knowing she's going to say, "Can you believe my Dad spent this much?" to me. She doesn't know what he's doing, but I do. And it does bother me to some extent. YOU want to be the one to make your kid happy with a super special Christmas gift.

We went to Disney last year, so her Christmas was small. She got some clothes from Limited Too but not a lot, maybe two outfits.

However, I make up for it in different ways. Last year we made a ton of ornaments, cookies, and od'd on Christmas movies. We rode around and looked at lights, and stayed up super late watching a snow fall. All of these things cost very little, but they made better memories than the time she opened 106 boxes of hoodies from A&F.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Maybe you could focus on the true spirit of the season with your children instead of focusing on their acquisition of items (that seem to pose problems between you and your MIL).

Perhaps you could teach your children how to give to others, by taking them to a shelter where they can help out, or bring a new gift to the children there. Perhaps you could take them to a nursing home or other care facility where elders are who have no grandchildren to visit, or to a hospital where children need visitors.

You could instill something in your children's value system that no toy or other gift could "trump."

 

[MushyMushy]

I see your point, and if you don't have someone in your life like this MIL, it's hard to understand the OP's point. In my case, it's my X. Last year, he bought DD Hollister, A&F and Limited Too clothes-a ton-and all this other super expensive stuff. And then told her, "This hoodie cost $49 billion dollars" over and over. He really drives in the how much he spends on her stuff knowing she's going to say, "Can you believe my Dad spent this much?" to me. She doesn't know what he's doing, but I do. And it does bother me to some extent. YOU want to be the one to make your kid happy with a super special Christmas gift.

We went to Disney last year, so her Christmas was small. She got some clothes from Limited Too but not a lot, maybe two outfits.

However, I make up for it in different ways. Last year we made a ton of ornaments, cookies, and od'd on Christmas movies. We rode around and looked at lights, and stayed up super late watching a snow fall. All of these things cost very little, but they made better memories than the time she opened 106 boxes of hoodies from A&F.

Actually, I did have someone in my life like that. It was my own mother.

She started her Christmas shopping way early, like August and September. She started asking them what they wanted, and asking them to make lists. Honestly, I can't imagine getting ticked off at that! If grandma wanted to be the hero for Christmas, good for her. The end result is that the kids were thrilled. It made me happy as a mother to see them excited, no matter who was making them excited. I just didn't feel threatened by a loved one making my kids happy.

I can see the irritation when it's being done by an ex or some other person you already don't care for, but at that point it's not about the presents, it's about the person.

 

[Jennasis]

Actually, I did have someone in my life like that. It was my own mother.

She started her Christmas shopping way early, like August and September. She started asking them what they wanted, and asking them to make lists. Honestly, I can't imagine getting ticked off at that! If grandma wanted to be the hero for Christmas, good for her. The end result is that the kids were thrilled. It made me happy as a mother to see them excited, no matter who was making them excited. I just didn't feel threatened by a loved one making my kids happy.

I can see the irritation when it's being done by an ex or some other person you already don't care for, but at that point it's not about the presents, it's about the person.

Perhaps the OP doesn't care for her MIL? Maybe it's just another attempt by the MIL to exert control (like the pp's ex)?

 

[disneybound31]

Sorry, but any grandparent who is selfish enough to 'trump' a parent and their desire to be SANTA for their child, is NOT beloved.

Any grandparent who thinks they can trump a parent and 'buy' a grandchild's affections....

Any grandparent who is so totally disrespectful of the parents wishes... NOT beloved.

Believe me, grandparents who are selfish and controlling and over-involved can be just as bad, or WORSE, than grandparents who may not seem to 'dote' enough. It gets to the point where it is just toxic. Using gifts to control and buy affections and to usurp the special thing between a parent and their child is simply not 'beloved'. It is toxic.

I could not care any less about saving some dough...
My parental perogatives and my child's affections are not for sale.

OP: TAKE THE POWER BACK.
Talk to your husband.
Decide, together, on some reasonable boundaries.
Take whatever steps necessary to maintain them.
Something tells me if your MIL is like this on gifts, it is not the only area where she is overstepping. Something tells me that this is not the only area where your MIL has selfishness and control issues.


And, here is my biggest advice...
If this is your MIL, then you and your husband need to be on the same page... Your husband needs to be the one to address this with her... He needs to man-up and tell his mother that He (and you) are excited to be getting your children this, and this, and this (a written list). And let her know that if she can not respect this, then your children will not be opening her gifts until after SANTA, and that any duplicates will be returned or exchanged immediately.

I think this post best hits the nail on the head. Yes, this is not the only area where MIL tries to overstep. And as a previous poster mentioned we DO have those favor one grandchild over another issues- they dote on DS and practically ignore DD. Just this weekend DS10 was presented with a cute pair of lounging pants and DD was promised, yet again, that she would get soemthing another time when nana sees something that catches her eye for DD. But funnily enough NOTHING EVER CATCHES HER EYE! DS will probably get 4 more things btween now and Christmas (even if they are small tokens) and DD will see nothing. He is 10 and she is 7. It's disgustingly obvious and we have fought this battle before with her. And we lose. She acts completely ignorant that she does this even when we point out specifics.

And to address an different PP, I really do not have jealousy issues over these situations. I am just truly annoyed and hate dealing with this. DH does talk to her periodically and he does a good job, but this has been going on for 11 years with us and a lifetime for DH. He is well aware she has a few issues, but mostly we enjoy our family times and try to ignore things to keep the peace. I am simply wondering if anyone else has/had extended family who obviously try to do these things that create tension.

I would hate to instruct my children to hide information or not tell their grandparents things, but I guess that is an option. In years past I have just held in my feelings when holidays approach and I find out that I need to return 5 things because nana did not feel like telling that she had gotten them in October. We are limited as far as Christmas money goes and I get kindof excited to be able to provide that neat beanbag chair that DS says 'mom is going to get for my room!' and he says this in front of MIL at a family dinner. That next day she went out and found it at Target. I just happened to find this out much earlier this year than in past years.

I get it. It sounds selfish of me. It's 'just' a bean bag. But it represents much more. Yes, there are several other things I can and will get. I will not start a war over it and yes, they will be gone someday and our kids love them. I know she loves the kids she just has some issues expressing it sometimes. Somewhere someone always has it worse, but I just wanted some new ideas on what direction to go and maybe some empathy. I got a bit of both and I appreciate that very much. I will move forward with some of those ideas. Thanks to those of you who love to help others and choose not to attack.

 

[C.Ann]

DGD's other grandmother has been doing this since day one - Christmas; Easter; back-to-school shopping; birthdays; etc.. The woman lives to shop and loves to spend money on her DGD.. She has it, so why not? That's her way of showing how much she loves her DGD and although not everyone has the need to show love in that manner, that's just who she is..

Whatever the occasion, my DD will tell my DGD to make two lists - only one of which ever reaches the other Grandma's hands.. DD then reviews the list before it's handed off to Grandma.. DGD has also been instructed to only tell her other Grandma the items she wants that are on the "Grandma D" list..

I don't know how old your children are, but perhaps this sort of arrangement would work for you as well.. Finding a "middle ground" would be best for all concerned - you're happy, Grandma is happy, and your kids are happy.. Look for a resolution - not a dog fight..

 

[Jennasis]

I think this post best hits the nail on the head. Yes, this is not the only area where MIL tries to overstep. And as a previous poster mentioned we DO have those favor one grandchild over another issues- they dote on DS and practically ignore DD. Just this weekend DS10 was presented with a cute pair of lounging pants and DD was promised, yet again, that she would get soemthing another time when nana sees something that catches her eye for DD. But funnily enough NOTHING EVER CATCHES HER EYE! DS will probably get 4 more things btween now and Christmas (even if they are small tokens) and DD will see nothing. He is 10 and she is 7. It's disgustingly obvious and we have fought this battle before with her. And we lose. She acts completely ignorant that she does this even when we point out specifics.

And to address an different PP, I really do not have jealousy issues over these situations. I am just truly annoyed and hate dealing with this. DH does talk to her periodically and he does a good job, but this has been going on for 11 years with us and a lifetime for DH. He is well aware she has a few issues, but mostly we enjoy our family times and try to ignore things to keep the peace. I am simply wondering if anyone else has/had extended family who obviously try to do these things that create tension.

I would hate to instruct my children to hide information or not tell their grandparents things, but I guess that is an option. In years past I have just held in my feelings when holidays approach and I find out that I need to return 5 things because nana did not feel like telling that she had gotten them in October. We are limited as far as Christmas money goes and I get kindof excited to be able to provide that neat beanbag chair that DS says 'mom is going to get for my room!' and he says this in front of MIL at a family dinner. That next day she went out and found it at Target. I just happened to find this out much earlier this year than in past years.

I get it. It sounds selfish of me. It's 'just' a bean bag. But it represents much more. Yes, there are several other things I can and will get. I will not start a war over it and yes, they will be gone someday and our kids love them. I know she loves the kids she just has some issues expressing it sometimes. Somewhere someone always has it worse, but I just wanted some new ideas on what direction to go and maybe some empathy. I got a bit of both and I appreciate that very much. I will move forward with some of those ideas. Thanks to those of you who love to help others and choose not to attack.

Hugs to you. It sounds exactly like what I (and a few others have pointed out)...a control issue. My grandmother favored my sister HEAVILY as well. I was younger than your DD and felt the sting even then. My suggestion is to hand the gift back to grandma and tell her that unless she comes bearing a token for both kids, then nobody gets anything.

Anyhoo, it bears repeating. If you can give the gifts to your kids BEFORE grandma has a chance to trump you, DO IT. LEt her have to wear egg on her face or return some gifts for a change.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

The one time my MIL bought something that I wanted to give DD, I found out about it, brought her the money for the item and insisted on "buying" it from her, explaining that I had really wanted to give it to DD. Never happened again.

My MIL really goes overboard for my kids on Christmas. Our home Christmas celebration will always be upstaged by MIL's crazy overboard Christmases. I really don't care. She's a wonderful person and the kids adore her. They don't feel any less loved becuase they got x present from Gram and Papa instead of Mom and Dad.

 

[sunnyday123]

Hugs to you. It sounds exactly like what I (and a few others have pointed out)...a control issue. My grandmother favored my sister HEAVILY as well. I was younger than your DD and felt the sting even then. My suggestion is to hand the gift back to grandma and tell her that unless she comes bearing a token for both kids, then nobody gets anything.

Anyhoo, it bears repeating. If you can give the gifts to your kids BEFORE grandma has a chance to trump you, DO IT. LEt her have to wear egg on her face or return some gifts for a change.

I would definitely not let her give gifts to one and not the other. My Mother did that-she would buy my brother stuff, actually she still does it-and then tell me "I didn't think you'd like anything I picked out so I didn't get you anything." That stings when you're a little kid.

It sounds like Granny has some control issues and needs to feel loved. But you can't let her make you feel bad, they way it's going now she's going to mar your memories of Christmas every year.

And like I said before, I've learned to work around stuff with my X. And she appreciates what we do more than the expensive gifts. This year will be slim too-we got a new puppy and I'm trying to get a trip together for the end/start of the new year.

Time spent with them it what is remembered most, not how many presents they received.

 

[disneybound31]

Maybe you could focus on the true spirit of the season with your children instead of focusing on their acquisition of items (that seem to pose problems between you and your MIL).

Perhaps you could teach your children how to give to others, by taking them to a shelter where they can help out, or bring a new gift to the children there. Perhaps you could take them to a nursing home or other care facility where elders are who have no grandchildren to visit, or to a hospital where children need visitors.

You could instill something in your children's value system that no toy or other gift could "trump."

Oh my goodness.

I will pretend that you meant that post with total helpfulness instead of the catty way it came across.

We do these things with our children. We teach them how to give back and to volunteer. They are both scouts and I am the girl scout leader to name one area where we work on a service model. It is ridiculous to assume this is all about money and not about power. Please do not assume.

 

[Kurby]

my view is different from everyone else i think

dh usually gets upset if my mom says she'll by dd clothes or shoes or whatever, leaving all that off any list for us and i've told him and he finally agrees that since we take dd on these huge disney trips, camping, a week in quebec or niagara falls or (year after next planning to go to england) whatever we let the grans and uncles have the clothes or toys.

for us we always find something to give her from us and santa never has a problem (that cause he's..... well.... santa after all )

we aren't a family that give tons of gifts (like my gf's family - for some reason i always think the grans and greats are trying to "buy" love from the kids) so we can always get the blanket that goes with the baby(doll) stroller or the cool pantyhose with sprinkles for that dress or the mounds of paper. it's not glamorous but its ok.

i don't let it bother me and dh is more understanding but if there really is something he wants to give her (like a baby bed for her "baby") then we get it and have outright told the grans we are giving her this.