Anyone move out of state away from family and regret it?

[mookie]

DH and I are considering a transfer from Chicago to Colorado for his job. I've always wanted to try living somewhere new (to me, Illiniois just isn't that exciting.) and DH loves Colorado, as do I. Our problem is family. We have one dd and one on the way in June, and I really think we'd be disowned. Both families live in the Chicago area, so we would be leaving EVERYTHING. We are very close to family, and see them all the time, but my view (and I think I've actually convinced DH of this) is that family will always be there, and we can always come back to visit. I would hate to stay here when the only thing that is keeping us here is family. I know that's a big thing, but at the same time, I don't want to be looking back on my life 25-30 years from now, resenting them because they made it so difficult for us to consider moving that we never did.

Anyone else have this problem? I'm really worried that it is going to cause major, and I mean MAJOR fights. I think DH and I are willing to ignore it, and still give tranferring a shot, but I'm wondering if any of you had this happen, and how it turned out. Also, how was it with kids not being close to their family?

Any advice wouold be great!

 

[mickeyboat]

I moved away from family to be near DH's family. His three sisters moved away and his mother died almost 4 years ago, so a lot of the reason we moved here is now gone, although most of his extended family is still around. I was not able to find a job in my educational background.

I think it would be easy for me to be resentful of DH because things haven't worked out like we had planned. But that wouldn't be fair, because I was part of the decision to move here, I could have said no if I really wanted to.

We have made ourselves a very happy life here, and I refuse to live my life full of "what ifs." If you make the choice, then go with it wholeheartedly.

Good luck with your decision.

Denae

 

[luvwinnie]

We moved from NJ to NY, just an HOUR from our families and regretted it. We moved back after a year. My mom and FIL were ill and we were constantly driving back and forth and my commute was worse. We moved just in time...my mom was in and out of the hospital (just 5 min. from us) after we were back here for just a month.

 

[poohandwendy]

As with everything in life, there are many pros and cons...it really just depends on what is more important to you at this stage of life. My sister has always lived her adult life a few states away from the 'family', some of the downsides that she has mentioned:

-feeling out of the loop when you hear of everyone getting together for an occasion, and you miss alot of the day to day stuff
-family isn't always there...sometimes people die unexpectedly and you cannot get back in time to say goodbye, and/or you may feel guilty that you haven't seen that person for a long time
-relatives don't 'know' your kids well and your kids see them more as distant relatives, nice and cool, but not necessarily people they really connect with on the same level as they would have if you lived close by
-homesickness is a given, time and again
-you cannot depend on the help you are used to having...even with small things you took for granted
-when you do visit, you are usually staying with someone (or they with you) which can be uncomfortable, even though you really miss them
-It's harder to patch up disagreements/misunderstandings over the phone.


That said, I am all for following your dreams. If you really both feel you will miss out by not making a move, you should do it.

 

[castleview]

If their initial reactions are bad, they'll eventually get over it. DH's best friend moved about eight hours from here. They have no regrets. Some relatives were jerky at first, but now they go down regularly. The only issue they have is when they come back for a visit, they are expected to go see EVERYONE. They were smart this last time: e-mailed everyone and said "we're renting out a small room for dinner at this time and place. Come see us!"

Good luck with whatever you do. If it doesn't workout you can always move back. I regret not trying out other places with DH...especially when his family drives me nuts!

 

[palmtreegirl]

We have no regrets, we are so happy here in Florida.

 

[suzannen]

No regrets at all here.

 

[Crankyshank]

I currently live in a different state from my family. Granted it's only about 20miles from my parents' house but it's still out of state

Seriously I moved to FL and while I regretted the move and dragged DH back here, it wasn't so much because I was away from my family as I was away from better opportunities for us professionally and educationally. We are now over 1000 miles from DH's family and it's been wonderful to get away from them.

 

[bananiem]

Cons- Vacation times are often spent going back "home" to see everybody. Not having family around to babysit or come to their school and sporting events. It's hard to be away when someone is ill or elderly.
Pros- Nobody just "drops in". You aren't there to get involved in family squabbles. (Although sometimes they try to do it over the phone.) You WANT to move to Colorado, therefore having a better chance of being happy there.
It doesn't have to be forever. If you move and don't like it, you can always look for jobs to come back.

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

I am worried about regreting moving too. We are very close to moving to North Carolina - which we have been thinking about for a while now. My husband has a 2nd interview at a company next week and they are flying us down for 2 days. I have an appt. with a realtor while down there too.
We are in MA now and pretty much my only family is my parents - so I wouldn't be leaving as much as someone with a bigger family. But what I am worried most about is making close friends down in NC, and hoping I feel like I belong there. It is a very confusing time for me right now. I am so scared of making the wrong decision.
But... we will be able to afford a nice house and provide a better quality of life for our son than we can up here. This is pretty much our main reason for moving.
Good luck with your decision!

Jen

 

[disneynutt1225]

We moved from NJ to NY, just an HOUR from our families and regretted it. We moved back after a year.

I did the opposite! Moved from NY to NJ (around 2 hours away from family) and lived in NJ for four years. We're moving back to NY mainly because I miss my family way too much and am very tired of the commute and crying every time I leave them. We have an added bonus because my parents are letting us live with them rent free so we can save money to buy a house (in NY).

We're getting the moving van on Friday, and I can't wait! My parents and brother are counting the days until we move in!

 

[motherhen17404]

We moved from Maryland to Utah. While it did not work out for us, I don't regret giving it a try. We learned a lot about ourselves while we were in Utah. Being away from family was hard, but it made us stand on our own 2 feet instead of always looking to family for help. We moved back to MD after a year, and now we are in PA, but only about an hour from most of my family.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, and remember this is your life, you should do what is best for you.

 

[luvwinnie]

I did the opposite! Moved from NY to NJ (around 2 hours away from family) and lived in NJ for four years. We're moving back to NY mainly because I miss my family way too much and am very tired of the commute and crying every time I leave them. We have an added bonus because my parents are letting us live with them rent free so we can save money to buy a house (in NY).

We're getting the moving van on Friday, and I can't wait! My parents and brother are counting the days until we move in!

Hope you find a great house!

 

[Tantor]

Moved from British Columbia (family all there) to Ontario.

Heck no. Nice to visit.

 

[mickeysgal]

DH and I are considering a transfer from Chicago to Colorado for his job. I've always wanted to try living somewhere new (to me, Illiniois just isn't that exciting.) and DH loves Colorado, as do I. Our problem is family. We have one dd and one on the way in June, and I really think we'd be disowned. Both families live in the Chicago area, so we would be leaving EVERYTHING. We are very close to family, and see them all the time, but my view (and I think I've actually convinced DH of this) is that family will always be there, and we can always come back to visit. I would hate to stay here when the only thing that is keeping us here is family. I know that's a big thing, but at the same time, I don't want to be looking back on my life 25-30 years from now, resenting them because they made it so difficult for us to consider moving that we never did.

Anyone else have this problem? I'm really worried that it is going to cause major, and I mean MAJOR fights. I think DH and I are willing to ignore it, and still give tranferring a shot, but I'm wondering if any of you had this happen, and how it turned out. Also, how was it with kids not being close to their family?

Any advice wouold be great!

Major fights? Really? Can anyone's family control how you are to live your life? Its your life, your opportunity, and your (DH's) career. If this is a golden opportunity for you and your DH, why wouldn't you try it? You can always come back if its that rough. Life is just too short. Nowadays, you have to go where the jobs are.

Yes, we moved away from family. In fact, this last time we moved cross-country. The job transfer was too good to NOT try. My DH hasn't looked back as he loves his job. Everyone on both sides of the family all lived in the same region. We left everyone behind. Has it been hard? Absolutely - don't kid yourself-there will be good days and bad days. Do we regret it? Sometimes, but those times are getting fewer and fewer as we grow as a family in this new area. There is so much to explore in this new area. We also have kids...one in elementary, one in middle, and one in high school. The kids were the difficult part due to their ages. Your kid's ages are perfect for moving. Overall I'm glad we tried. This is the second time we had the opportunity to move out of state and we truly regretted saying no the first time. In the meantime, our familes are really enjoying having a place to come visit.

Good luck.

 

[Mercy]

As with everything in life, there are many pros and cons...it really just depends on what is more important to you at this stage of life. My sister has always lived her adult life a few states away from the 'family', some of the downsides that she has mentioned:

-feeling out of the loop when you hear of everyone getting together for an occasion, and you miss alot of the day to day stuff
-family isn't always there...sometimes people die unexpectedly and you cannot get back in time to say goodbye, and/or you may feel guilty that you haven't seen that person for a long time
-relatives don't 'know' your kids well and your kids see them more as distant relatives, nice and cool, but not necessarily people they really connect with on the same level as they would have if you lived close by
-homesickness is a given, time and again
-you cannot depend on the help you are used to having...even with small things you took for granted
-when you do visit, you are usually staying with someone (or they with you) which can be uncomfortable, even though you really miss them
-It's harder to patch up disagreements/misunderstandings over the phone.


That said, I am all for following your dreams. If you really both feel you will miss out by not making a move, you should do it.

I think these are excellent points to consider regarding your decision to move or not.

My BIL and his family live in Indiana, the rest of the family is in Maryland. We really do feel more like acquaintences rather than family when they do come to visit. We hardly know their kids at all. I think the points about feeling out of the loop and relatives not knowing your kids should be considered especially since your children are so young.

But in the end, you must follow your heart... good luck with your decision.

 

[ChristmasElf]

You mentioned this was a transfer for your dh's JOB, and that is important especially if he likes the job and plans on staying with that company for the future.
Don't worry your folks will eventually come around. It is exciting to move and see different places and make new friends. We have moved a few times and our children have seen the country so to speak.
Go and have a look around, you never know if you will ever get the chance to in the future.
Point out to your parents and family that Colorado has airports, with real planes and everything!

 

[ZachnElli]

I did the opposite! Moved from NY to NJ (around 2 hours away from family) and lived in NJ for four years. We're moving back to NY mainly because I miss my family way too much and am very tired of the commute and crying every time I leave them. We have an added bonus because my parents are letting us live with them rent free so we can save money to buy a house (in NY).

We're getting the moving van on Friday, and I can't wait! My parents and brother are counting the days until we move in!

We are doing the same thing and during the same week! Just different states! Even the living with my parents! We do have money though, dh just needs to find a job back home then we can house hunt. So yes to the OP. But only you can make the decision.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think a lot of things have to be considered.

The ages of your children.

The fact that your nuclear family will not know your extended family really well.

How you will feel missing certain fmaily events.

How you will feel being far away if a family member is ill.

The financial implications. Many people say "you can always move back", but sometimes, depending on the areas of the country you are talking about, you can't move back without taking a big financial hit.

I have a DSIL who lives in the midwest, and she forever lamenting the fact that she misses so many little family events because of the distance. I am not necessarily talking about the "bigger" things, such as weddings, but the little things such as birthdays, graduaitons etc. which some folks may not travel for, but are part of the fabric of an extended family's life. I know when my in-laws were ill, she felt very guilty about not being able to be close enough to really help. She did travel out here several times to visit, but I think she felt like she "missed" something by not being able to be a part of their day-to-day lives in their last days.

I have a friend who moved to New Hampshire, and did OK for a while, but then it seems like the difficulty of having no close family support around them really unravelled their marriage. It's one thing to say "You'll make new friends" but when you have small kids nad you are in a new area, and you & DH need to go to a work function and you have no one you trust to watch your kids because there is no "family" nearby and you don't know any of your new friends or neighbors well enough to entrust your children to their care, what do you do?

For me, my parents are older, and coming into the years where they may need us, so I could never leave now. perhaps in the future when they are gone, I might consider it, as DH & I have no children, so that wouldn't really be a consideration. But for now, we're here. And you know what? That's OK, because we like it here.

Best of luck with your decision.

 

[momsully]

We moved from Massachusetts to Colorado in August of 1992. I was transferred out here for a job and DH (who was not DH at the time) came along. We were young but have stayed here and now have two DS 6 and 4. There are times I wish we were closer to family but the opportunities my kids have had are tremendous. We own a house we could not afford in Boston, DS6 goes to a great school and we love to be outdoors. Both boys are great skiers and we spend alot of time in the mountains.

While I still miss my family we try to get back east a few times a year and my parents and inlaws head out here as well. We just got back from a trip with my family to WDW and we are spending a week this summer with my inlaws in Hilton Head. If you really think you want to move I think you should do it, you can always move back if it is not for you.