Anyone have experiences w/ children and terminally ill loves ones?

[KimR]

My mother is currently in a hospice with terminal lung cancer. I have recently told my DDs (almost 12, 6, and 3) that their Grandma is very sick and is not going to get better and I explained that she is not giong to live much longer. It is so heartbreaking, my middle DD cries every night and keeps telling me she wants to go see her, but I am so torn on this. On the one hand, I understand that they want to see their Grandma and tell her that they love her. On the other hand....well, I just don't know.

Prior to being admitted to the hospice, she had a bad fall and becuase she was on blood thinners at the time, her face looks awful (much worse than it really is)...one whole eye and the entire bottom of her face is BLACK. She is very weak and kind of 'out of it' due to the painkillers. She doesn't always make sense when she talks. She is extremely thin and has aged about 20 years since the girls last saw her about a month ago - honestly, she doesn't even look like herself. We (my sister, DH, and dad) had talked and decided it probably was best if they did not see her, but they keep asking and the pamphlets we were given at the hospice recommend letting children visit.

I feel like this is an important decision and I am totally at a loss here as to what to do. I know this is a decision we have to make and I certainly don't expect anyone on an internet board to make this decision for us, but I was just wondering if anyone has had any experience with this type of thing: What did you do, what was your children's reaction, any regrets, do you wish you had done anything differently, etc...I am really afraid that whatever we decide we are going to wind up regretting it later.

 

[Hillbeans]

Yes. My Mom died of Gallbladder cancer last August after a very short 2 month battle. My son was only 2.5 at the time, but I did take him to the hospital a few times a week to see her. Granted, he thought it was "fun", and may not have known the gravity of the situation, but I know the visits made my mom feel much better. It's not my favorite idea bringing toddlers to the hospital because of the germs and things, but I felt it was my responsibility to let them (and us) spend as much time together as possible.

My niece, who was 4, was more upset by her Nana turning yellow from the Jaundice, however my SIL was honest with her (she's a very mature 4) and told her that Nana was sick and would look a lot different. You could probably do something similar to also explain the weight loss, tubes, etc. I think it's a little scary for kids, but I think they are very resilliant.

When my mom died, my SIL brought my niece to the viewing. I didn't bring my DS 2.5 because I was in charge of the food and thought it'd be too much trying to watch him. It was about the saddest minute of my life when my niece went up to the open casket. She put a picture of them having a tea party in her casket right by her hands. She didn't really cry, but she was sad. My SIL told her that her nana died. I must say, they made my mom look wonderful in the casket so it wasn't scary to her.

My heart aches for you and what you're going through. Please take care and i'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Fire14]

My own grandmother died from cancer and I didn't get to see her in those last 3 months of her life. To this day I still am hurt by that and in my case it was Hosp. policy not my parents holding me back.

I would explain to your children that Grandma doesn't look like she used to and is bruised from fall. If your children wish to still see Grandma I would give them the chance as it can help in the grieving process and It maybe just the thing grandma is"holdng on" for to see her grandkids one last time.

 

[goofy4tink]

I'm torn on this issue. My f-i-l is in a facility for alzheimer patients. He is very borderline on who he recognizes. Doesn't know me, but knows my dh, his son. ( well, most of the time anyway.) My dd, 10, is very nervous about seeing her Grampa and not having him know who she is. She also had a very bad experience at a nursing home while visiting her great grandmother when she was about 3. So, we've decided to let her forgo visiting. But, she knows everything about the disease and that Grampa will die from it.

In your case, I'm not sure keeping the two older girls away is a good thing. Just being able to say their good-byes might make them feel better. That has bothered my dd about my mother's passing...no time for goodby. Tell them in great detail just how badly their grandmother looks. Prepare them. If they have that close kind of relationship with your mom it will be good for them to say good-by. Good luck with whatever you and your dh decide. Prayers and best wishes to you. It is never easy to go through this. Especially when it's your mom.

 

[Dizkneenurse]

In both my personal and professional ( I am a nurse) I would take the kids, at least the 12 and 6 year old, to see your mom.

I would take my kids, they are 12 and 7.

I am sure they would like to say "goodbye" in their own way and your mom may seem like she "isn't there" but I know in some way she will know the kids are there. You can not believe how a visit from family can help even our patients at are in comas. Their vital signs improve and we can tell that their visitors made a difference.

I would explain to your children what they will see when they see grandma so they will be prepared for her bruises.

Only you as a mom, can know how your kids will react, but I knwo that I would have loved to see my grandma for at least one last time when she was alive and I was only 10. I think it woud have meant so much to me, and my grandma.

Good Luck, however you decide. (((hugs))) to you and your family .



heidi

 

[TEENEE]

My uncle, who was also my babysitter died of cancer. Both of my kids were with him everyday (at least work days) from the time they were 8 weeks old until the day that he died. When he was in the early stages I considered looking for another day care provider but I'm really glad I didn't. The time that they had together was precious. It was good for my kids to be able to help take care of him. Some days my daughter would climb up in bed with him and just lay there beside him or she would sit beside the bed and hold his hand. He had days when he didn't want to eat, my kids were the only ones that could get him to eat. We explained to the kids that he was going to die. They asked questions and were prepared. When hospice came in the nurse asked if it was ok to discuss death with my kids. When she did talk with them she was surprised that they were so prepared. Sometimes kids are stronger than we give them credit for. I would explain the changes in grandma to your kids so they are not shocked. I would definitely give them the chance to see her and say goodbye in their own way.

 

[DawnCt]

My mom died of breast cancer 8 years ago. The last year of her life was difficult with frequent hospitalizations, etc. The last six weeks of her life she spent with us and passed away in a bedroom we set up in our home. My sons were 17, 14, 11 and 8 at the time. They watched tv with Grammy, spent time with her, helped her walk when she was able,etc. They were at school when she passed and the hearse was just leaving our driveway when they got off of the bus. They still recall today how much a part of their life she was and how they were there for her when she needed all of us. I can't say that it was an easy thing. We rarely could leave the house and I resent that my in laws never offered to take the boys to the movies or out for an ice cream during that entire ordeal. If I had to do it over again, I would do everything exactly as we did. It taught my children a valuable lesson in responsibility and caring and left all of us with no unsaid words or regrets.

 

[Aimeedyan]

As a child, I lost my grandmother to ovarian cancer.

There came a time when my parents stopped taking us to see her. We were given one last visit to say goodbye, and they explained to us that this would be the last time we would see her... I can't remember exactly what was said, we just knew that was it. I was a 6th grader, I believe. I am glad they chose to not take us anymore, my mom has since told me how bad she looked... I didn't want that, and my parents didn't want that, to be the image in my head for the rest of my life. The last time I saw her, she was still talking, could smile, and had some color in her face. It was important to HER for us to see her well... there came a time when SHE would not allow some visitors anymore, like my much older cousin who was a senior in high school. SHE realized how sick she was and didn't want her grand children to have that lasting memory of her.

I think its important to ask your mother how she feels about it if you really think your children need to say goodbye... she may express that she doesn't want them to see her like that. perhaps they can speak on the phone to her when she is feeling okay enough to, and are making sense... that would allow them to talk to her and tell her that they love her, without the shock of seeing their Grandmom so sick... And of course, they can write her, color her pictures, send her flowers, etc to show support and love as well.

That's my thinking. I think if your gut reaction is to not let them see her in such poor health at this point, and let their last memories be of her happy and healthy, then I think you should go with that. =) I don't think your children will be resentful of that in later years, nor do I think you will regret it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom... my thoughts are with you.

 

[Disneyland_emily]

Each child has their own way of dealing with death. Personally I would let them visit her if they desire (some kids dont want/need to) I would definetly explain to them what they will see but I wouldnt stop them from visiting-

My family is sadly all to accustomed to death as Ive buried all my little girls over the years and when my daughter Lex died in 99- We decided to be very open to my son (who was 4) and let him do things his way- We felt by barring him from seeing her and saying goodbye in his own way would make it harder for him in the long run- Its been almost 5 years now and I know I made the right decision- Often times Jake talks about his sister and how she became an angel-


Its a hard territory to cross but I say let the kids choose what they want- they know what they can handle and how they need to say goodbye.

-em

 

[Robinrs]

Please take them, PLEASE. You won't regret it.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[Maleficent13]

I was 10 when my grandfather died, and I was lucky enough that my parents defied hospital rules and took me to see him the day before he died. He had lung cancer, and I am quite certain he probably looked awful. I don't remember, however. All I remember is that he looked like my grandpa. When I picture the visit in my mind almost 20 years later, I just see him in that bed just being grandpa. I think kids are more able to look past the physical. JMO, but I am glad to this day I had that last visit, no matter how bad he might have looked.

Having said that, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[SugarBear]

I know it will be hard, but I think that it will benefit your children and your Mom to have a chance to say good-bye. It's a sort of closure. (((hugs))) to you and your family.

 

[Mishetta]

Everyone probably has differing opinions on this, but my Mom died in July of Bone Marrow Cancer & she lived with us until the last 3 days of her life. When she was too weak to walk to the bathroom & I could not lift her, I decided to put her in hospice at our local hospital. So my kids witnessed my Mom's disease the entire year that she battled it, so taking them to the hospital the last days were really not a big deal. My DS's are 8 & 2. We also brought them to the funeral home & the funeral ~ since that is a part of life.

Good luck in your decision but maybe you can give the older ones the option to see her. I'm also very sorry for all your pain right now. It's not easy to lose your Mother.

 

[TammiMcMan]

My mother passed on from lung cancer a few years ago. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and my other two were 10 & 5. My parents were renting an apartment and we had hospice care for her, but that entails a lot of family help also. Three days a week after school, I would pick up dinner and we would drive up to visit and give my dad a break. I did my best to explain to the kids how she would look and that she may not know we were there, but that never once bothered them. My DS(5) would lovingly assist her with her oxygen tube and make sure she was comfortable. My DD(10) still cherishes every moment that she got to spend with her grandmother. She passed the day after I gave birth to my daughter. During the wake and the funeral I was so proud of my children. They were sad, but they were so strong and I think it had alot to do with the fact that we spent so much time with her in the end. No regrets. If your children want to do this, please bring them to see her.

Hugs and prayers for your family.

 

[jeleebeene]

I am all for taking them.

When my uncle became sick (bone disease) it hit me like a brick. I was really close to him and couldn't imagine my life without him. The worst part of it was, he had 3 young grandchildren (my cousins) who were heartbroken to learn that grandpa sick and was not going to get better.

The time that they were able to spend with him was priceless - and something that my cousins never regret. He died suddenly from complications, and the children had just seen him the day before. It was a bit easier on them knowing that they had said "I love you grandpa" that one last time (even though they didn't realize it was).

The death of a loved one can be so hard on children, but something that we shouldn't shield them from. Loved ones do die, and it is so important to help them deal and cope with the impending death. The more children are prepared and understand what is going on, the better it will be for them to handle the loss.

 

[Daydreamer64]

When our kids were 4 and 6 years old my FIL was dying from complications of diabetes and hip replacement surgery- they took the old hip out and couldn't replace it because of the terrible infection in the socket- the drs thought it would resolve and put a place holder in there and he came home to recouperate before the next of the surgery. Needless to say he got sicker and sicker and decided that if he was going to die then he wanted to stay home to do it.

We all lived in the same house and it was tough. He raised the boys as much as their Dad and I did. He got sicker and sicker and the kids were in the thick of it every day. They got to know the hospice / visiting nurses and learned about illness and what to expect when Grandaddy died. He stayed home right up until a few hours before he died- he went into resiratory distress and wrote that he wanted to see the boys and then get help for his breathing so we took him to the hospital- he lost concousiness on the way and died.

Before we left the boys were woke up and called into his room to say "goodnight" and that they would "see you in heaven". Was it hard??- you bet but my kids learned some very valuable lessons about life/death that year.

I believe it was easier for them to know what to expect and see how sick he was- then they knew it wasn't fair to expect him to be so sick and alive just so they could have him around. Not only did it make it easier because they had time to adjust to the idea but they were just great at the funeral home. They took people by the hand and went to see Grandaddy. They were so relaxed that the visitors didn't seem so sad- the boys reminded them that Grandaddy wasn't sick or hurting any more.

They were too quiet after the viewing and I went to see what they were up too and they were tracing Grandaddy's bones on his face with their fingers and saying how funny his cheeks felt- they were stuffed to make them look fuller because he had lost so much weight and he had wax on his face and they were accidently messing up his make-up!.

I would not do it any differently if I had to do it over again. They saw and understood that he was very sick and I believe it helped them to let go.

Since that time, we have attended several family and business associate's funerals. The boys always attend, view to show respect for the grieving families and are perfect gentlemen. I made sure to explain to them that touching was OK but they had to ask for permission ( and only family -never strangers )- my husband says they are so relaxed with death that they are probably going to grow up to be funeral directors! I guess there's job security in that they will always be in demand.

I would take each of my children in by themselves to be able to give them all of your attention while they say goodbye to their loved one.

 

[Talking Hands]

I took my daughters to see my father before he passed. They were 10 and 6 at the time. My oldest was able to play for him and he smiled at her. My little on was too frightened and would only hide behind me.
It is amazing what kids can handle. At the school I work at we had one student in the physically handicapped class who was losing his fight with MS. The kids all knew this. He was put on homebound but the kids would visit him. On his 10th birthday, he asked to come to school and share his party with his classmates. It was allowed and all the kids wore masks to protect him from any respiratory illness. He had a wonderful time. He died a few days later after telling his parents he did not want to be put on a respirator. Sure the kids were upset when he died but they were all happy they got to see him one last time.

 

[janette]

I asked for help with this a few month's ago. My FIL passed away after a short illness, he had several conditions that were serious but he went from doing okay to gone pretty quickly.

My girls 12 & 9 visited every day. My 12yo was able to sit with him and sometimes just held his hand. My 9yo wasn't comfortable with the tubes and other hospital things so didn't get as close but she was there. I was honest with them the entire time, the last time we went I made sure they understood that they needed to say goodbye. Both were able to in their own way, they've done pretty well. We left for WDW just days after the service on a previously planned trip and we were able to heal some there.

One of the best suggestions was for Maria Shriver's book "What's Heaven?" . It helped to give the girls a different view.

I've purchased both the girls a small scrapbook that we'll do this summer with their memories of their grandpa. I've encouraged them to write down their feelings and favorite memories.

 

[Kallison]

That is a tough call but I think definitely the 12 year old. My Mom never told me that my grandmother was dying and they wouldn't let me see her. I still get upset about it. I just came home one day in the 4th grade and they said - Your grandmother died. It was a huge shock. I know you are being honest about her illness, but if she wants to see her that bad I would let her go.