Anyone have a MIL like mine?

[Rm3idm]

Two months ago we booked a trip for Dec. 6-12. We invited my MIL and FIL to join us since we have already went with my side of the family two years ago for Thanksgiving. MIL said no because funds were not available... Well, today she suprised us with this:
MIL: Hey guys, do you mind dropping me off at the airport next Sunday for my trip?
DH: Sure, where are you headed to?
MIL: To Disney with some friends. We bought tickets to MNSSHP.

My face dropped... This is not the only time something like this has happened. When I took my girls to Disney the first time, MIL told me not to purchase MVMCP tickets because it was not worth it... The next year she bought them for her trip with my FIL.

It's also peculiar that she complains about us going on trips with my family too much, yet everytime she has been to Diesney she has not invited us once or at least taken her granddaughters...

 

[dzneelvr]

Be thankful. I think at trip to WDW with my MIL and FIL would damage me forever

 

[tigger51276]

Wow that is just truly awful! It's stories like this that make me happy that I don't have any in laws as my husbands parents are dead.

 

[kevschickee]

I like my in laws so if they did this to my family I would be very hurt

 

[Mrs D]

Count your blessings. I think you'd rather NOT go on vacation with this one!

Yup, I could SO see my MIL doing this. That why we aren't telling IL's we're going again in December!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Please, that is mild compared to the crap I have to deal with , with my inlaws, including my sister in law who feel the whole world revolves around her.

It could be though when you asked your inlaws to go, she didn't have the funds but recently came into some money and felt it may be too late to go to WDW with your family.

Believe me not trying to make excuses. Because if you had all night and about 10 pages I could fill you in with all the crap my inlaws pull, including seeing my kids about 4 times a year when they live 1/2 hour away but they see my sister in laws kids about 5-6 x a week.

I know it sucks but don't beat yourself up over it, its their hang up not yours. I feel your pain.

 

[ogreenlee]

OMG! I was just sitting here wondering what the heck I plan on saying to my MIL regarding the trip we just booked today.

Little backstory: My FIL died on 12/30/07. My mother died on 12/15/08. Needless to say that the holidays will forever be changed.

My MIL is one of those people that does "nice things" to show off to her large family and church community. She's from a small town, and everyone knows each other. She does these things and then goes to other people unrelated and b!tches about all the stuff she did for this or that person. She plans these vacations to the beach, and we go every year. There is usually moaning and groaning. My BIL drinks too much, and ends up hiding outside, then she sits there and complains about him.. which is all fine and I understand why, but WE'RE ON VACATION SO CAN IT or tell him off, which she'd never do. So annoying.

Anyway, we booked a trip today for Dec 15 (the first anniversary of my mom's death) through 12/22. My MIL has been saying for the last several years how she wants to go to Disney with both granddaughters (my niece is 12), and that we should do it at Christmas time, blah blah blah. Well, I've been wanting to go at Christmas time, too, but I have been wanting to go and have a good time... not listen to the same stories about the same people, and all the complaints, especially on the anniversary of my mother's death. Yes... her husband died recently, too. I can understand that part, but she's so miserable to be around, and my DD6... well.. she has had an adversion to the woman since birth. She would arch her back and scream when my MIL would hold her. Now, she cringes when she has to hug her. Nothing has changed. It's the craziest thing, and trust me... we are very careful not to say negative things about her in my DD's presence. I would talk more smack about my own mom's ways than my MIL's and my daughter worshipped her.

So, when we do tell her we're going, she's going to be "hurt" (read: mad). She'll call whichever relative she uses to talk about us to and bash us. Then pretend like everything is hunky dory. I know that if I asked her to go, she'd pay for the whole thing and put us up in the Grand Floridian... just so she could tell everyone she did that for us. Well, we're paying ourselves and staying at the CSR...

 

[Willow25]

Oh boy in laws. It is so interesting how you marry the family not just the person. While I can understand you and your family being hurt by her actions if I were you I think I would just be happy that she is not coming with you. Now you can have a nice relaxing time with your family.

 

[micheleq]

In laws can be tricky, you have to find the right balance. And, you have to realize that you can't force people to be part of your family or your children's lives. Your MIL is missing out on that. I'm sorry that it sounds like she hurt your feelings.

My MIL isn't as bad, but last year she told my SIL that she was on a budget for Xmas gifts (each grandchild got one toy or a $25 gift card), but still went and spent three weeks in Florida on vacation in Jan/Feb.

We went to Disney last December and my MIL told DH that "It would have been nice to be invited." Well, our trip was with my parents and brother. My DH's three other sibilings have never invited his parents on a trip anywhere (including Disney) and they never got the guilt trip. I know the next time we go (probably fall/winter 2010), we'll have to invite them to come along. FIL is great, MIL is fine, but I don't like that only my husband gets the guilt trip!

 

[RMulieri]

I happen to have a better relationship with my inlaws then my own parents, so I would be devastated

 

[kpgriswold]

If your MIL has pulled stuff like this more than once, then it is very unlikey that she will ever stop.

I had one just like this. She would complain bitterly about never being invited to stay with us, then make everyone miserable when she was with us. She made unreasonable demands. She would say and do outrageous and hurtful things, then deny later that they had ever happened. And she never, ever apologized or even acknowledged the damage that she did. When she died, we were all both sad and relieved.

The key to coping with someone like this is to remember that the problem is with HER, not with you. Maybe she is a control freak. Maybe she is emotionally needy. Maybe she is crazy. There is NOTHING that you have done wrong to earn this treatment. And the way to deal with it is to expect it.

Assume that your MIL will probably screw you over when she can. If she is nice, you will be pleasantly surprised. But keep assuming she will do it again, and again.

Make your own plans, and enjoy your own life, all without expecting anything from her. Invite her when it suits you, but don't go out of your way to do so even if she complains. (You CAN remind her that you invited her once and she turned you down!)

Try not to respond emotionally when she does zing you. I have found that the phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" it very useful! It does not leave any openings for further argument, does not admit any guilt on your part, and can mean anything you want it to.

Best of luck to you, and I am sorry you got one of these.

 

[Colleen27]

Two months ago we booked a trip for Dec. 6-12. We invited my MIL and FIL to join us since we have already went with my side of the family two years ago for Thanksgiving. MIL said no because funds were not available... Well, today she suprised us with this:
MIL: Hey guys, do you mind dropping me off at the airport next Sunday for my trip?
DH: Sure, where are you headed to?
MIL: To Disney with some friends. We bought tickets to MNSSHP.

My face dropped... This is not the only time something like this has happened. When I took my girls to Disney the first time, MIL told me not to purchase MVMCP tickets because it was not worth it... The next year she bought them for her trip with my FIL.

It's also peculiar that she complains about us going on trips with my family too much, yet everytime she has been to Diesney she has not invited us once or at least taken her granddaughters...

You know, I'd rather this than her changing her mind about coming along after all the plans are in place!

I'm fortunate in the in-laws dept. Mine are great. Back when DH was changing careers and vacations for us were a few days at the KOA up north, they took the kids to Disney because "Every kid should see it at least once". I was bummed to miss their first trip, but my best friend was getting married that week so it was nice not to be worrying about a sitter, and they had a great time!

My mom is the flaky one in our world. Take our next trip, for example. It was supposed to be all of us, but we let my mom know back in Feb when we started planning that we couldn't pay her way this time. We'll offset some of the cost since we want to stay at the Poly, but she's going to have to cover most of the cost of her package. Fast forward a few months and she's still waffling over whether or not she can afford the trip. So I'm in planning limbo - our ADRs are for 6 and we have a package reserved for her, but she's going to have to buy her airfare separately because I found a great price and I'm not waiting for her to make up her mind.

 

[ogreenlee]

If your MIL has pulled stuff like this more than once, then it is very unlikey that she will ever stop.

I had one just like this. She would complain bitterly about never being invited to stay with us, then make everyone miserable when she was with us. She made unreasonable demands. She would say and do outrageous and hurtful things, then deny later that they had ever happened. And she never, ever apologized or even acknowledged the damage that she did. When she died, we were all both sad and relieved.

The key to coping with someone like this is to remember that the problem is with HER, not with you. Maybe she is a control freak. Maybe she is emotionally needy. Maybe she is crazy. There is NOTHING that you have done wrong to earn this treatment. And the way to deal with it is to expect it.

Assume that your MIL will probably screw you over when she can. If she is nice, you will be pleasantly surprised. But keep assuming she will do it again, and again.

Make your own plans, and enjoy your own life, all without expecting anything from her. Invite her when it suits you, but don't go out of your way to do so even if she complains. (You CAN remind her that you invited her once and she turned you down!)

Try not to respond emotionally when she does zing you. I have found that the phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" it very useful! It does not leave any openings for further argument, does not admit any guilt on your part, and can mean anything you want it to.

Best of luck to you, and I am sorry you got one of these.

Thank you.

I'm going to start using that line, "I am sorry you feel that way."

You are describing my MIL to a T. She is emotionally needy. She never apologizes unless it's done in martyrdom. She will flat out deny that anything bad happened or any wrongdoing on her part took place. Unbelievable.

If my DD actually cared for the woman, I'd suck it up for the sake of my daughter. However, my daughter does not. I'm not going to ruin a trip for my little girl while she still has the magic, just so I can spare my MIL's feelings.

 

[Rm3idm]

dzneelvr, lol... my FIL is awesome but yes, a trip w/ my MIL would probably damage me forever as well...

tigger51276, is it terrible that I sometimes secretly wish she were dead? It sounds awful but it happens more than I'd like to admit...

kevschickee, I love, love, love, my FIL... he treats my girls better than his own kids and he would do anything for us, with the exception of telling his wife to check into getting some meds... and as many times as she's screwed us over I still was hurt.

Mrs. D, in the future we are definitely not inviting anymore... the only way they'll get us to go anywhere with them is if they invite us.

roliepolieoliefan, my FIL pays for absolutely everything... she works to pay for her hair and nails. I know she had the money. When she goes to WDW she stays in nothing less than concierge level.

ogreenlee, my MIL does the exact same thing!!! Every summer she buys my girls season passes to the zoo, NASA, and the Museum of Natural Science... then she throws it in our face later on. We never ask for them and I've already told her that we'd rather she didn't buy them season passes because during the summer they are busy with swim team and during the school year it is hard to fit it into their schedule, we would rather just pay to go. She also loves to invite the girls over for the weekend and then complains that they are such a handful...

Willow25, yes, I am a little relieved that she is not going. We stay at the parks from open to close. She like to take breaks and go back to the resort for a nap.

micheleq, MIL does the whole budget thing during xmas every year... She gives her DH's side of the family nothing more than $25 and only to those 18 or younger... but when it comes to her side of the family, money is no object.

RMulieri, my MIL makes me have a better relationship with my own mother. I couldn't ask for a better mother!!!

kpgrisworld, I am definitley going to use that line!

And BTW, just so everyone knows, I am not complaining about a poor little old lady... DH and I had our children when we were VERY young. MIL is only 48. I don't want anyone thinking I'm attacking a frail granny...

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Oh we should start a support group!!!! I don't have enough space to share all the insanity that I've had to put up with with my inlaws!

I love the "emotionally needy" phase...also fits my MIL to a T. I think I will borrow that one

 

[ogreenlee]

The saddest part for us is that all the grandparents we like have died off. My daughter would have been much closer to my husband's dad, had it not been for his mom.

I'm an only child, now orphaned, with a few cousins I'm kind of close with. My husband's brother is a lot like his mother, except that he smokes, drinks, and curses. She let's the church be her excuse and vice.

To quote a lyric from a song by Michael Stanley... "The Lord uses the good ones, and the bad ones use the Lord."

 

[Worfiedoodles]

How about a SMIL? My MIL could not have been better, she passed when ds was one. SMIL is a completely other matter. DH's parents divorced when he was 3 after an affair with SMIL. He's now 46, so I guess she's not going anywhere...

Her grandchildren are treated completely differently than FILs. Like a pp, they live an hour away, and see him once a year, maybe -- and that's at our initiation for a family party. My dad lives 1,500 miles away and comes twice yearly, staying for 3 weeks each time. He sees way more of my dad. My dad calls him on his cell phone just to chat, and makes it a point to do a ton of activities when they are together. I know my mom would do the same if she hadn't passed when ds was 4.

I am incredibly grateful for my dad, but ds has started to notice -- he's also noticed one of his aunts favors our nieces big time over him.

We try not to let it bother us too much. They are clearly not going to change, and frankly, having them more involved in our lives would probably be more trouble than it's worth -- but we have tried for many years to get them to be interested in our ds, and it's just not going to happen.

In-laws are funny, sometimes it's good to realize it's not just you!

At least we have it better than my SIL. Her two older daughters are adopted, she gave birth to the 3rd. SMIL buys the youngest one better and way more (noticeably way more) gifts than the older girls, and I don't mean more because toys for younger kids are cheaper, either.

Sometimes these people are just toxic...

Maria

 

[auralia]

I think mine is a little worse, they have 3 grand kids now but for the past 3 years they had 2 one was mine and one is my husbands brothers, i have a girl and my in laws hate me. Long story short the male grandchild's holiday is thanks giving they go visit him NO MATTER where he is living for thanksgiving they are navy... so these people have gone to Hawaii for the last 3 years for thanksgiving!!!! my husband suggested when our daughter was born maybe easter could be her holiday because it was about 6 months from their thanksgiving holiday w/ the boy and they said no!!!!! you arn't religious so we don't want see the point in visiting for easter!!!! and that was that, so they spend lots of money every year on this boy buy him presants spoil him rotten, my daughter didn't even get a crhistmas presant from them this past year, he got 5 or more. She has told me off and I am the worst thing that has happened to her son (hubby is mortified because he was super mean to me the first 5 years we were married and he knows it and he is so sorry for the bad things he did to me so when she talks like this he just turns red and starts to shake because he knows he was the bad one and he regrets so much). Anyway, the brother now has a little girl too so they have a boy and a girl, when they got pregnant w/ the girl i am pretty certain i heard my fil say now we will finally have a grand daughter too!!!!!! On the positive my parents love my daughter despite having 7 other grandchildren and are absolutly begging for more grand children, she gets more than enough love from my family to make up for how careless hubbys family is... ohhh venting feels sooo good. oh also of note we are airforce so both brothers are in the service so it doesn't make sence to claim she goes to visit the other because he's in the military... so is my husband (10 years and counting)

and what do they do in hawaii? buy my bil and sil all kinds of crap they can't afford to be buying... for instance last year they bought SIL (their daughter in law) a string of 300$ pearls because she liked them, so she also bought a string of pearls for my sister in law (their daughter) so things would be fair... They didn't even get my daughter a token nothing at all. Not to mention I am the one who always gets them gifts throught the year (my husband doesn't even get me gifts for ANYTHING let alone any member of his family) I often bring food and deserts when we eat at there house when we are visiting (thank god we stay w/ my parents and my mom lets me use her kitchen to make these evil people food... oh so tempting to add a laxative sometimes ). I can't even bring myself to buy fil and mil gifts any more since they mean nothing to them so now i do donations to st jude in their name it makes me feel a little better..... oh well

 

[katieam1]

Be thankful. I think at trip to WDW with my MIL and FIL would damage me forever

I was thinking the same thing!

 

[Ashlander]

Oh we should start a support group!!!! I don't have enough space to share all the insanity that I've had to put up with with my inlaws!

I love the "emotionally needy" phase...also fits my MIL to a T. I think I will borrow that one

I need a support group!!!

I could go on and on about my MIL. Everything is great when she needs us, but as soon as we disagree with her on anything she writes us the cruelest letters. It is made even harder by the fact that she and my SIL live in the same town with us. I hate family drama!