Originally posted by totalia and then my comments.............
"And I don't have any children. My ex and I tried for almost 3 years. There was twice when I thought I was pregnant because my period didn't happen for a while.
He and I talked about working in great detail. In fact, he wanted me to stay home to take care of our kids. The whole idea is completely and utterly anathema to my thinking. It wouldn't even occur to me. Just thinking of what I would be giving up when I had never actually planned to have children in the first place (it was only something that occured to me after my marriage) put a bad taste in my mouth."
Remember the previous poster that said she thought the same thing...... UNTIL she had kids. Sometimes our choices change. Not to say yours will, but you never know until you are in that situation. Hence the phrase, "Never say never."
"But I still can't imagine giving up the independance that I have fought for my entire life. A child should be an addition to your life, NOT your entire life, just like a man. It is someone to share, grow with and mutually learn from, but not to make your all and everything."
I agree that a child shouldn't be EVERYTHING in your life. But I don't believe anyone is saying that. I believe you are taking a SAHM to the extreme. I read the comments of these SAHM's who are saying they still get out w/ friends, belong to book clubs, work out w/ friends, have wonderful educations to fall back on, etc. I didn't get the impression any of these women gave up EVERYTHING to change diapers.
Even Dr. Phill said on a previous show that we should nurture our relationships w/ our spouses, because when the kids move out, too many women in the past looked at their DH's and had no idea who they were. Or the DH's gave up trying to get a moment w/ their wives once the kids arrived and ended up going elsewhere for love. Many marriages ended up in divorce as your Mother's did. But I honestly believe women are smarter now, and we know we need a balance. Even though we are in the workforce, we can't entirely focus on our careers at the neglect of our kids, we can't entirely focus on our kids, at the neglect of our DH's and own identity. It sounds to me like the SAHM's and WM's on this thread are balancing out their lives very well. It takes a lot of hard work and persistence, but it can be done.
"I'm not putting down stay at home mom's. That's an incredible sacrifice that you and your husband are making. I've just seen so many people unhappy with that choice."
I have many friends who both work and stay at home, and they are all so very happy w/ their choices. Maybe because none of us judges the others, maybe because they are able to make the choices they did, I don't know. But I feel it is a wonderful day and age for intelligent, independent women to be able to make choices rather than conform to society's expectations of them. And if your friends are so unhappy, they should change their life. It's never too late to change, and everyone has the right to be happy. If they are not, change the situation.
"Actually, not only can I not understand you mentally can feel as though your life has meaning that way, but I don't understand how you financially can even do it."
Trust me. Our lives have a meaning, just as yours does. I remember wondering when I'm older looking back on my life. As I die and my life is flashing before my eyes, will I be thinking of all the tasks I completed at my job, or will I be thinking of my family and the immortality they give me? I'm sure I'll be seeing my Dkids and DH. I'm sure WM's will too. I just made the choice to spend every moment I can with them if I am able to afford to stay at home. Soon they will be gone and I can focus all my attention on my career, DH and Grandkids then. But until then, this is the career I chose and I am happy.
"My fiance makes $24000 a year and I will be making about $15000 (or at least from the sounds of it at the moment. Everything is up in the air right now from the visa's and whatnot) and we both know that we are BARELY going to be able to pay our bills much less be able to afford to take care of a child. I MUST work. Not only for my own mental state but also because there is simply no other choice in the matter."
We are able to afford it because we were married for 11 yrs before our first child arrived and we saved and saved until we had enough to get a house and raise a family comfortably on one income. If the situation arrises, I may have to go back to work for the money, but right now we are balancing out our finances just fine due to the goals we set 12 yrs ago.
"And yes, my whole problem with this thread has been that the SAHM seem to be saying that the WM are neglecting their children. My mother worked when my father left and she certainly didn't neglect us. Yes she missed out on things but I respected what she had to do and right until the day she died she was my best friend. "
I certainly don't get that impression about the SAHM's on this thread. I believe I am speaking for all the SAHM's on this thread when I say we respect your decisions and we are sure that WM's are doing what's best for their family. And we are doing the same.
"My mother gave up everything for us, including herself. She was a SAHM until I was 14 years old. She gave up her dreams of being a veterinarian (dreams she had since she was a child) to take care of her children. She gave up most of her hobby's and took care of us. She did everything she could to ensure we had a good life. When it came time for her to work, my sister and I had to take more responsibility for ourselves but it wasn't a loss to us. Life was hard and I had to go to work to help pay the bills."
That is such a sad story and feel so sorry for her. I believe a lot of Moms from my Mom's generation felt put down if they didn't have a career, and guilty if they did. I think in our generation, SAHM's realize they can work if they want, but made the decision not to work. My Mom didn't have a College Education and she still mentions how upset she is by that. Although she was able turn her career into a fabulous one w/ hard work and intelligence thru the years and eventually became the GM for a multi-million dollar mall. Not bad. But she always regretted not getting that degree. I don't understand regrets. I think we make the best out of our choices and have no regrets. I learned commitment, a hard work ethic, and independence from her and her career so I had the best of both worlds both a SAHM and a WM. I'm just seeing a lot less regret these days, maybe because the Moms are making their own decisions rather than following the decisions of society or their DH's. I feel when we lead ourselves and refuse to be pushed, we are a much happier group of women who are autonomous and respected.
My DM and DMIL were both SAHM's and neither have any regrets about doing so. My DM went back to work when my DB entered Kindergarten, and my DMIL stayed home and devoted her life to her boys. Her DH comes home and wants a sandwich and she gets up and still makes it for him. A little too much for me (my DH usually makes his own sandwiches), but she chose that life and is truly happy serving her family. I even thought she'd have problems cutting the apron strings when DH and I got married, but she has been a sweet, delightful person since I met her. Truly happy in her own skin. She reads now and they have a home in NC which they frequent and they are both very happy. So even in that severe circumstance where she gave up everything to be a Mommy worked out fine for her. My DM, on the other hand became a WM so we could afford to travel and buy a boat and visit WDW every year, and that worked out great for us. None of the kids disrespect either of those Mothers for the choices they made.
And so that is my point. What works for one family, may not work for another. But if it works for your family, and the kids and parents are happy and thriving, then it is a good choice.
"I don't resent her for choosing as she did. I feel so sad for her that she lived her life and didn't get to do what her soul told her she most needed. She died having given up ALL her dreams for US. I understand what she gave up. She never regretted having us and loved us very much. But I know she regretted what she left behind. It's something that no one should ever have to regret. Something no one should ever hit the end of their life regretting. "
That is very sad. I also remember you saying you that our DH's most likely resent us. I can assure you that my DH is happy with our decision as well. We discuss everything openly and make decisions about our family together, and this was a choice we both made and we are so very happy with our lives.
edited to add: And how many DH's resented their wives in the past because the wives made more money? It seems as though we can't win, and I don't think that is the case. I am seeing an overwhelming number of men who support their wives decisions, careers, etc. and it is a beautiful sight to see.
These new doctors are also more often to be the ones working 36 hour shifts.
