Anyone else have a spirited child?

[labdogs42]

The book I'm reading is "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I have the workbook, too, but I haven't started working on that yet. I may look for that Explosive Child book, too. I can use all the tools I can find!

As for this morning, we actually had a GREAT morning today. I wish I could figure out why! There are just So many variables to take into effect. He went to bed at a pretty reasonable time (10:30, may not sounds great for a 3 year old, but we've been up until midnight a lot of nights since the time change! I'm all thrown off my the time change, too, so I understand what he's going through!) and he woke up at 6:30 which gave us plenty of time to get to school. I think that helps. I also let him help me pick out his clothes last night. Maybe that helped, too. I let him jump in the rain puddles in the driveway and again at school. I told him what would happen when we got to school and that he could jump in the puddles on the way in , then take off his jacket, then kiss mommy good-bye, and it all worked! It was somewhat exhausting, but it was worth it!!

BTW, my DS is great at school, too. I think it is the routine. I am just not a super structured routine person, so it is hard for me to maintain that kind of regularity at home. Of course, I am a lot like DS in that I don't like change, can be slow to warm up, and I hate surprises, so I can relate to him, but sometimes his inflexibility throws me into a tizzy because it changes my plans! We are quite a pair, me and my son!! Good thing I love him so much!

 

[brymolmom]

WOW - once you decide how you want to set things up at home and get things stable - if things are still a struggle some days - you might want to consider an earlier bedtime. Does he nap still? If so, that might be different, but MANY 3 year olds need more than 8 hours of sleep at night (I know - not ALL do - and if your child is behaving appropriately that would be fine, but the OP's is not behaving like she would like). I realize that throwing him into an 8:00 or 9:00pm bedtime immediately probably isn't the best thing for his personality (and your sanity) - but definitely keep it in mind as something that definitely could help and could at least be tried. My dd would freak out every morning too (for getting dressed, brushing teeth or if I didn't give her the right color cup) - if she didn't go to bed until 10:30 or midnight. She's an early riser by nature and is up 99% of the time by 6:30am...she does not nap anymore and is in bed by 8:00 and usually asleep by 8:10.

Anyway, it's at least something that could be tried that it is easy to put your finger on (but likely not easy for the first couple weeks to actually put into place).

 

[labdogs42]

WOW - once you decide how you want to set things up at home and get things stable - if things are still a struggle some days - you might want to consider an earlier bedtime. Does he nap still? If so, that might be different, but MANY 3 year olds need more than 8 hours of sleep at night (I know - not ALL do - and if your child is behaving appropriately that would be fine, but the OP's is not behaving like she would like). I realize that throwing him into an 8:00 or 9:00pm bedtime immediately probably isn't the best thing for his personality (and your sanity) - but definitely keep it in mind as something that definitely could help and could at least be tried. My dd would freak out every morning too (for getting dressed, brushing teeth or if I didn't give her the right color cup) - if she didn't go to bed until 10:30 or midnight. She's an early riser by nature and is up 99% of the time by 6:30am...she does not nap anymore and is in bed by 8:00 and usually asleep by 8:10.

Anyway, it's at least something that could be tried that it is easy to put your finger on (but likely not easy for the first couple weeks to actually put into place).

Right now, he seems to be going back and forth between napping and not napping. Yesterday he slept in until 9:30, then no nap and asleep by 10:30. He will nap for sure at daycare today. Not sure what time that menas he;ll go to sleep tonight. Many days when he naps, that's when the bedtime gets really late. I'm even considering getting him (and me ) up at 6:30 or 7:00 every day for a week or so just to get a regular routine going again. I kind of hate the idea, since waking him up can be a nightmare, too, but I'm thinking it might be something worth trying. We'll see how today goes, and maybe I'll start setting the alarm every day...ugh!

 

[jazzmine]

My son is also spirited and thrives on routine. I always give him warnings (5 minutes and 2 minutes) before we change activities and I've found that helps him with transitions a lot. I give him the run down on things we'll be doing or anything different we do as well. I found that he had trouble in our music class because we move very quickly from one thing to another - the way I've dealt with that is we play "music class" at home and practice so that he can handle the quick transitions better there.

I try and actively involve him when I see him getting upset or frustrated. If we are getting him dressed, I'll give him a choice of shirts or socks. That type of thing. I find that the more engaged he is with the everyday activities, the better he does.

At the moment he's sitting on my lap playing with all of the things on my desk. I think that we'll be done with computer time very soon.

 

[Stinkerbell317]

To the OP - I totally feel for you! My now DS8 had many, many issues and still struggles with some things. My suggestion to you would be to read The Sensory-Sensitive Child, as one of the other posters mentioned, and fill out the evaluation questions. If your son has a lot of these issues, talk to your pediatrician first, however I got nowhere with mine. I was referred by a friend to an occupational therapist. It took me almost 3 years to get things ironed out with my son. We have several diagnoses, none of which are ADHD, which of course is what everyone initially pinned him as. But it sounds like to me from your brief descriptions that you should consider Sensory Integration Disorder. The surveys in that book will help you to sort things out. It can manifest in abt 100 different ways, kind of like autism, so no 2 kids that have it are exactly alike. Setting routines always helped my son, and just explaing to him where we were going for the day and why helped a lot too, even when he was just 3 years old. And don't let uninformed people around you get you down. If you think your child needs help in this area, then don't let anyone, doctors, teachers, etc, tell you differently!

 

[MNMickeyWorldMom]

My son doesn't necessarily need the routines so much, but he definitely has very distinct ideas about how things should go. For example, one time we went out for pizza, and when we were leaving, my son stood by the table and told us to go. DH stood 3 feet in front of him telling him to get moving, and DS was nearing a meltdown (so was DH for that matter). Finally, I said to DH, just go, and we both started walking away. A few seconds later, DS starts running toward us yelling "wait for me". He had this idea in his head that he wanted to run and catch up to us. Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but it was important to him. Little things like that, I've learned to just smile and accept. We all have to pick our battles, right.

With other things that can't be left up to him, I've found that pre-warning him that something's going to happen works wonders. If I tell him 5 minutes before bedtime that after the story is over (or the game, or the video, or the ...), it's bedtime, he's fine with it.

He has a difficult time with rides that don't exit the same way you get on too. When we were on IASW the first time, he wanted to get off the same way we got on the boat. He flipped out when we had to get out of the boat on the other side. The next time we rode the ride, I explained to him just before the ride ended that we had to get out on the other side, and like magic, he got off the ride without any incidents.

He loves to stay in his jammies all day too. He doesn't care if anyone else gets dressed, but some times getting him dressed is a challenge. I used to be able to distract him, but he's at the age now where he really needs to be dressing himself (he just turned 4), so distracting him while I dress him isn't an option anymore. So now I've resorted to bribing him, sort of. We can't go outside to play if we're in our pajamas. Or, we can't go anywhere fun unless we get dressed. That sort of thing. Another option that works, if he doesn't care if we don't leave the house that day, is to set an egg timer. I'll set the timer for 10 or 15 minutes, and then we have to race against the clock to get dressed before the timer goes off. He gets very excited when we beat the timer. Sometimes there's a reward for beating the timer, and sometimes there's a consequence for not beating the timer. It depends on the situation. Works great for getting him out of the bathtub too. The first few times we used the timer, he didn't really care, but after missing out on popcorn after his bath a few times, now all I have to do is say I'm setting the timer, and he moves to do whatever it is he's supposed to be doing.

 

[PolyAddict]

I am soooo glad I read this, seriously, can someone tell me the name of the book?

I really just thought DD7 was a pain my #ss No I am not being funny! It is terrible, all the questions all of the time.

Constantly questioning me when things are out of order, never accepting my answers.

I always knew I joined the Dis for more than my WDW trips.

I love you guys and thanks for posting OP!!!!

 

[MNMickeyWorldMom]

"Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is one. There may be others... The other book I really like is "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan. This one's good for all types of children, not specifically "spirited" ones.

 

[nonzerosum]

I'll throw another book suggestion into the ring, "The highly sensitive child". I can't remember the author, but it was available at our local library. This was an excellent book, as was the Spirited Child. For me it was all about the validation that what you're doing is okay and that your child is not a freak. I certainly felt that my DD was being perceived that way by many friends. She is almost 5 now and is really so much better than she was in years past, but things still come up, like during our WDW last month--intense fears, sensory overload etc.. Everyone who meets my daughter says she is like a 45 year old in a 4 year old body. Her teacher is always laughing about the maturity of their conversations and the depth of her understanding about things. She is very bright and very emotionally intense. She has a super observant way about her and I think this is what contributes to her emotional intensity. When she was younger she had tantrums that you just wouldn't believe. Well, actually you probably are very familiar with the particular brand of tantrum I'm talking about. Now, she's super sensitive to social interactions and really struggles with perfectionism despite the fact that I really try to encourage anything but being perfect. I've really realized that she requires much different parenting than my friends kids, and even than my DS2. I know that she will be an amazing person, but that life won't be easy for her being as sensitive and spririted as she is. As her preschool teacher said when my DD was 3, "I've never met a child who feels things so deeply". I would agree which is why I'm really careful with my approach to discipline. It is always fair but firm, but in absolutely no way too harsh or she just loses it. Of course I have days when I am too harsh and I pay the price, but if I'm patient, calm, and firm then things always work out much better. I also need to do alot of prep before anything new and tonnes of debriefing about it after. My daughter takes great comfort in this. As an example, she's been watching youtube videos of the WDW rides she was too scared to go on so that , "I can be more prepared the next time we go. If I know what it looks like I can be braver." These were her own words. She knows we won't be back for at least a year, but she still wants to prepare now. I've learned so much from her and feel she is such a precious gem.

 

[LAH LAH]

This thread has been such a blessing to me!!!

I spent the first 5 years of my sons life trying to figure out what I was doing wrong as a mom.

Everyones discussion here about their childrens struggles with "mom donning jammies"..."changing eating locations on the fly"...coming home the "south" way...etc...was my EVERYDAY life.

10 years later (a few diagnosis' later too ) and it is amazing how much smoother life is for us now. DS was diagnosed with ADHD (no surprise), PDD (pervasive developmental disorder...basically a functional autism...again no surprise), and Tourettes (huge surprise).

I just wanted to say that although we all seem to have "extra grace required", "high spirited", "different than the mold" kind of kids...they are so very lovable and amazing as well.

Also wanted to add that with age comes a bit of maturity...so hang in there and look for answers...but understand that your child may never fit the mold...but who wants an old moldy kid any way?

 

[holly7347]

Ah isn't 3 fun I've always said anyone that talks about terrible 2's has never had a 3 year old

My 3 year old throws a fit when it is time to pick up big sister (5) from school. I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to share me or what but she rarely throws a fit about leaving the house any other time. She also throws fits about eating alot lately. She acts like she is always starving. She screams and begs me for food and tells me she can't wait if it is something cooking. But when she gets the food she eats a few bites and says she is done and 30 minutes later it starts all over again. Between her and my sensory integration disorder 5 year old that gives picky eating a new name I could just scream when one of them says I'm hungry. It isn't that I don't want to feed them it is just all the whinning, screaming, and tantrums that go into meal at our house is exhausting. I finally had to set some "eating rules". We only eat at the table with the TV turned off, we all sit down to eat at the same time and when the 2nd to last person finishes eating the meal is done (that is because my 5 year old plays around so long everyone else finishes eating and then she wants everyone to sit with her and keep her company when she finally decides to eat), if you get up from the table for something other than a bathroom trip your meal is finished - they were both constantly getting up and running around just to point at something or show me something or whatever. I also set a loose schedule to when we eat and tell them at meal time you won't be eating again until snack time so you might want to eat some of the food on your plate so you aren't hungry before the next time to eat. Consistency seems to be the key with my 2 DD's. If I give in once for a special treat then they seem to expect it all the time and that just leads to more whinning and tantrums the next day. There were a few items that we allowed them to eat on the couch like string cheese and other non-messy things. But it got to the point that my oldest DD only wanted to eat cheese and bananas because she thought that meant she could stay on the couch and watch TV rather than eating at the table and not watching TV.

My suggestion would be to make a morning routine. Always get dressed even if you aren't leaving. Tell him that is what people do in the morning incase they have company or decide to go out then they are ready. Do it every day even if you know you won't be leaving for the day. It might take some time but I think he should come around to the idea that this is now the new "normal". Maybe let him help you pick out your clothes. Lay out 2 or 3 outfits that you approve of for the day and tell him he can pick what you wear for the day from those choices.

 

[AmyA]

But it sounds like to me from your brief descriptions that you should consider Sensory Integration Disorder. The surveys in that book will help you to sort things out. It can manifest in abt 100 different ways, kind of like autism, so no 2 kids that have it are exactly alike. Setting routines always helped my son, and just explaing to him where we were going for the day and why helped a lot too, even when he was just 3 years old. And don't let uninformed people around you get you down. If you think your child needs help in this area, then don't let anyone, doctors, teachers, etc, tell you differently!

I was thinking the exact same thing.

SID/Sensory Processing Disorder (the names seem to be used interchangably here in Nashville) is what our DD was finally diagnosed with late last year. What a huge blessing that diagnosis and treatment has been!

Our 7 yo DD has been a challenge for years--completely inflexible, needing things to be the exact same way every day, and having terrible tantrums if things are not going the way she pictures they should be going.

One of our family's worst memories is actually from MGM a little over 2 years ago. We had thought that (and had told DD that) the Stars and Motorcars parade started at 4:00. Well, it actually started at 4:30. When we realized our mistake (at about 3:15) and told her that we were not staking out a spot at 3:30 like we had planned and were going to wait til 4 she layed down in the middle of the walkway by Star Tours and had a full blown, screaming, crying, kicking, shrieking tantrum--as a 5 year old. It took both DH and me to move her out of traffic. You can imagine all the 'helpful' parenting advice we received from the people nearby in the park. It was horrible . We felt like the absolute worst parents on Earth.

I do have a point in telling that story . Now that DD has had her diagnosis determined, is receiving regular occupational therapy (once per week) and is receiving regular counseling (we're down to once/month! woohoo), along with some major changes in how we, as parents, structure her day and our interactions with her...you would not believe the changes. The majority of our days are tantrum free. The vast majority of her interactions with us, her sister, and her peers are positive. If you had told me that was possible back when she was 3, I would not have believed it. I can't imagine a scenario like the MGM one I described above would occur now.

I'd recommend one more book and website: The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz; http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/

They also contain evals and questionnaires that can help you out.

You are doing a great job with your son; know that you can always find support. Lots of us are going through or have gone through similar issues.

 

[Aunt Flancy]

I have a 13 year old son who has been diagnosed with everything from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to Asperger's Syndrome. The only thing that saved us was a very good Developmental Pediatrician. I suggest that anyone who even has a question about wether or not your child is "normal" find a good doctor and see what they have to say. All of the books are great, but there is nothing like talking to a real person who understands your situation.

 

[eliza61]

Hey Jessica,
First and I know this is going to be hard but it will pass and you will survive. My 2nd born was exactly the same way and now he's a teenager (no blood was spilt in the ensueing years).

My second advice centers a little more around you. Try to pick what battles you must stick to a what ones that you can let go. Unfortunately, you do have to get dressed. I would simply reinforce that this is not a bad thing, that some clothes feel just as comfy as pj's and let it go. Stuff like the food, colors and the every changing likes and dislikes. Hey let it go. If my son Josh didn't want to wear any thing white for a month, no problemo but once he didn't want to bath for a while. absolutely refuse to get into the tub. That was a fun time.

 

[Stinkerbell317]

I'd recommend one more book and website: The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz; http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/

OH yeah! That's a great book too! I forgot abt that one))

 

[labdogs42]

Hey Jessica,
First and I know this is going to be hard but it will pass and you will survive. My 2nd born was exactly the same way and now he's a teenager (no blood was spilt in the ensueing years).

My second advice centers a little more around you. Try to pick what battles you must stick to a what ones that you can let go. Unfortunately, you do have to get dressed. I would simply reinforce that this is not a bad thing, that some clothes feel just as comfy as pj's and let it go. Stuff like the food, colors and the every changing likes and dislikes. Hey let it go. If my son Josh didn't want to wear any thing white for a month, no problemo but once he didn't want to bath for a while. absolutely refuse to get into the tub. That was a fun time.

Thanks! I have done that in the past and it worked well (picking my battles). Rrecently, I just let myself get a little too hung up on what I think I'm "supposed" to be doing as a mom, instead of what feels right to me, I think. Too much listening to my mom and not enough listening to my own gut and responding to AJ's needs. The last two days have been much better. Since I posted, I have really been trying to work on just one thing at a time with him. Mostly the getting dressed thing. And I have been more sensitive to his needs and not overloading him with things. I'm pretty sure I was just throwing too much at him at once (like potty training, etc) and I'm backing off on that now. I'm going to take it slow and see what we can work out. I'm glad to hear that other people have struggled with some of the same things. That really helped me a lot! Thanks!

 

[JamesMom]

My youngest sounds a lot like yours! My 2yo (soon to be 3 in July) has terrible tantrums and HATES to have his routine disrupted. In fact....

he has been having sleep issues, his has stopped afternoon naps for about 2 weeks and goes down great for bedtime, but for the last week he has been waking up screaming (the BLOODCURDLING kind). He has been doing this off and on for several months now in spurts. So the first night I check on him and let him out of his crib to make sure he isn't hurt/sick/etc. Nope, just attention hungry because as soon as I put a video in and give him juice/snack he makes a miraculous recovery and is easily put back down 30 minutes later with an abreviated night-time routine. The second night, he just gets a pat on the back. BTW these actions are AFTER my 30minute rule. He has to scream for at least 30 minutes. By consecutive night 3 - no more checking on him. He wails until he falls asleep. It's Ferberizing again, and again. ....

well, last night was like night 5 so I let him scream when he wakes up 2 hours after bedtime. He quiets down within 15-20 minutes. All is well....EXCEPT when 15 minutes later we get a knock at the door and its the POLICE!! checking on a call about yelling and a baby crying. We FREAKED OUT! Its only 10pm and fortunately both kids are quiet and asleep. I went to the door in my pjs! Once they heard I have 2.5 year old they seemed to understand. But SCARY!

My son is in early Childhood Intervention and called them this morning because I am thinking CPS isn't too far behind if the neighbors are callling about a crying toddler!!!! They said not to worry - he has a speech delay (10 words if that) and Sensory issues. If CPS stops by, refer them to ECI and the county agency will handle it. Whew!

The kid has a case worker, speech therapist, physical therapist AND a LPC. The county program sees him 2x a week and really hasn't shown much improvement. He's smart - he can disconnect and reconnect the VCR, but won't answer a question using words other than grunts. And HATES changes to his routine [can totally relate to the only 1 way to drive home - take a different turn and OMG! lol)

Another story if I may We took our first family trip to Sea World in September (just turned 2) and we almost got kicked out of the hotel because he REFUSED to sleep!! He screamed bloody murder till 1am (and this scream will stop traffic-i've seen it happen !!) and wouldn't relax until we had him on the floor (no bed,crib) with his security blanket (which he even took into the pool!!!) and me patting his back for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, our upcoming trip to Disney world is a mommy-big brother affair. The little one isn't ready yet.

Thanks for listening.