Anyone else being driven crazy by family members?

[hope1826]

Hi All,

I don't really know if it is appropriate to talk about this here, but I don't really have anyone else to talk who is in a position to understand. I guess I just want to feel like I am not alone and also maybe hear that everything will be ok from someone who has or is going through the same thing.

We are thinking about having a Disney wedding with anywhere from 18 to 40 guests. (I would rather have an amazing 3 day event for 18, while DF (I am assuming DF = Disney Fiance, please correct me if I am wrong) would prefer a amazing one day event for 40 people). So we're going with 40 for now.
In addition to that we are thinking about having a party near our home in NJ about a month after the Disney wedding (with about 150 guests). My parents are paying for Disney, his are paying for the NJ party.

It's only week two of our engagement. And we have already had to deal with my fmil having an emotional breakdown, in public, when she learned that we were NOT going to have the Roman Catholic wedding she had been dreaming of all of her only child's life. Who cares that the bride is very spiritual, but quite anti-religious and the groom is not a practicing catholic? Who cares that it is against the bride's principles to lie to anyone especially a priest and God?

Then this week I find out that she bought the dress she is determined to wear to the wedding a month before we even got engaged (since she knew it was coming). Who cares what our wedding colors will be and what the brides mom will be wearing? Who cares what season it will be and the fact that a date had not been picked (because we weren't even engaged yet!!)

Then, of course, my family decides to join in on the wedding induced insanity. My dad informed me yesterday that he has already booked and paid for his (with my mom) and my hotel rooms for May 12th -16th. Who cares that I haven't even talk to a Disney coordinator or planner yet? Who cares about the discounted Disney Hotel rates that we don't even have details about yet?

Then the best is when my father suggested that after the Disney ceremony, we have a dinner reception at the "Golden Corral". Who cares that the Golden Corral is basically the same thing as Sizzler? Then he asked why I would spend so much money on photography, when his best friend can take all of our wedding photos!! Who cares that he is NOT a photographer - professional or otherwise?

Then the future inlaws helpfully suggest having our NJ party at a banquet hall that was once wonderful and is very inexpensive. Who cares that it is now a banquet hall/ MOTEL and that it has a lovely view of the NJ turnpike?

I am so surprised that I am the only one who cares about these things. I think it's reasonable to want a real photographer and to not have a party at a motel, etc.... I am very worried that all of this is going to get even worse as our day gets closer. I am so very ready to elope (Disney Escape, of course), but DF is not quite there yet. My mom thinks we should. Everyone else says that we should do what we want, after all it is OUR wedding. But I am not really sure how that is possible when the people who are paying are insane and the DF is not ready to give up on them (because he doesn't want us to pay for it)?

So my questions are are as follows ... Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? At some point do the people who are not getting married ever realize that it is NOT their wedding and our wedding day is NOT about them?

Have any of you had similar experiences? I would love to read about them.

 

[hope1826]

Is it too early to be this frustrated and considering eloping or even paying for a 10person escape wedding if DF agrees?

 

[disprincessatheart]

First, congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the board!

Yes, we have almost all gone thru some level of insanity from family members and guests surrounding our weddings. Sometimes they come around, sometimes they don't. I'd suggest sitting down with each person who is contributing to the wedding and talking thru the ideas you and DF (dear/darling finacee) have for your wedding and then asking them flat out what they are willing to contribute towards that idea. If they're not willing to mainly work with what you want, then you can decide how to proceed.

Just remember, they're all really excited too, and that's a good thing. Whatever works out for your wedding, decide to make it great and it will be!

 

[helloirishkitty]

Ok, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've only been engaged for a little less than a month, and everyone (my parents, future in laws, my sister, his siblings), has had some sort of opinion about OUR wedding. We're having the same issues about the lack of Catholic ceremony (I also won't lie to a priest/god about where my beliefs stand, and I refuse to do pre-cana classes), everyone wants to help us pick the date (we picked February because it's one of the cheapest months for WDW, which I thought would HELP our guests, not make them cranky), where to have everything, etc. His mother never got to go to his sister's wedding (she eloped... smart girl ) so she's living her dreams for her daughter through my wedding. My grandmother even thinks that I'm a traitor because he's from England, and my parents/grandparents live in Ireland. Talk about a history lesson...

We've decided that we're going to make our own decisions. At the end of the day, it's OUR day. Yes my mother has been dreaming about it since I was born, and her and my FMIL have been talking on the phone every day since we got engaged. They can plan their dream wedding, and in the end, it'll be ours that really happens. If eloping is the answer, go for it. It's your beginning, not theirs. I think after everything is said and done, everyone will remember the day for the wonderful day YOU made it, and not for what you didn't do.

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Oh Hope! We are KINDERED Spirits for sure!

We have a vary similar situation in that my parents are paying for everything in Disney including the escape wedding, the reception dinner at jiko, all the extra floral, the outside photography (randy chapman), the officiant, the extra champagne for the toast. The only thing DF's parents is paying for is the welcome dinner (instead of a rehersal dinner.) EVEN that was a hassle. FMIL seemed to think that since she was paying for it that she should be able to invite all of her Florida/Snowbird Friends despite the fact that it's a wedding activity.... so she wanted 30 of her closest friends there with our 18 wedding guests. I finally got her to understand that that just wasn't appropriate.


Recently, I had a mini breakdown when fmil decided to buy a red blouse to wear to the wedding with the help of fsil (also my moh) even though our wedding colors are red, silver and black.

Then at dinner two weeks ago FMIL got upset when she found out there wasn't going to be dancing at the dinner reception in the wine room at Jiko. I'm sorry, but how did you get this far with out understanding the concept?!? So FSIL says to FMIL, "Don't worry mommy, when you get married, you can have the wedding you want." Uh, does anyone else see anything wrong with this??? That's fine if she wants to take over her daughter's wedding if she ever get's married. But this is her son's wedding. If anyone was/ is going to take over this wedding, it would be my Mother. I'm just lucky that my mom has been an absolute dream about everything.


Now the most recent drama is that I actually want a shower... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I never said that I didn't want a shower, I just said that I didn't know what the proper etiquette was. Did fsil ( and moh) figure it out?? No. So my gf who is not standing up asked around and figured out what was considered normal. So when I talk to FSIL about it, she's all for it. This was last Wednesday. Then Saturday morning, just as DF and I are getting ready to eat our oatmeal w/raisins, FMIL calls and basically chews me out for wanting a shower. I don't get into it with her but DF calls his sister and leaves her a message telling her to tell their mother to knock it off or we're just going to go to Vegas w/out anyone!! So after 3 more conversations with FSIL, I learn that FMIL feels bombarded by having to pay for so much (not sure why she thinks she has to pay for shower or that it's even going to cost that much), so we clear that up. At one point FSIL is telling me that I have to choose between a shower and an at home reception. THEN FSIL is asking me if my parents will help out with the at home reception!!! The at home reception is for FMIL, not me. My parents are paying for my wedding!! Then to top it off, FMIL wants to wait to set the date for the at home reception until APRIL!! We get married in February. I planned on sending out announcements with save the dates for the at home reception in late may or early june. She doesn't even want to pic a date until mid-April!! How does she plan on securing any vendors on such short notice during wedding and graduation season???

I decided not to fight the at home reception fight. I'm getting (and my parents are paying for the wedding I WANT.) I'd be perfectly fine is there's no at home reception. I just think it's lousy to say you're going to do something and then start to waffle on it. DF said he is going to handle that one. He totally stepped up.

So I call FMIL later in the day (still on saturday) to "clear the air" about the whole shower situation. She claims that she doesn't understand how I though she was upset?!?!! Are you serious???? So, we end the convo and I think everything is hunky-dory.

So, yesterday I call FSIL and tell her I sent an email to her and my other maid and my gf who's not standing up, to get everyone on the same page. I find out from her that FMIL has decided for sure not to attend my shower and therefor doesn't have a guest list of people to invite!!!

On top of family drama, we've had had friend drama. I had a gf bail before invites were even sent out and she's been really negative about the whole thing and keeps trying to bring my bridesmaid (a mutal friend) down with her. DF also had a best man totally dropped out for bogus reasons with barely an apology through a private message on a message board and has yet to actually contact DF voice to voice or in person and really "talk" to him.

I don't know what's going on, but my easy Escape wedding has turned into a nightmare. I'm soooo sorry that the evil has started so early for you. At least the major drama didn't start until about the 90 day mark for me.

<-----I've gone insane!

 

[lurkyloo]

You are totally not alone - I think this stuff has happened to all of us! It is amazing the expectations people have for what someone should and shouldn't do at their own wedding (and I'm guilty of doing that to other people! ). I had relatives say "It's your day - do whatever you want" and then spend the next 20 minutes telling me the things I had to do!

Part of it is that we brides have done the research to know how things go at weddings and what we want. Average joes have NO idea how much time and money go into planning a wedding, so their suggestions can sound pretty ridiculous - it's just because they don't know how things really work.

If you were paying for the wedding yourself, I would tell you to just thank everyone for their well-meant suggestions and then do whatever the heck you want. But I know it gets dicey when someone else is footing the bill. But disprincessatheart gave you the best advice for this situation!

 

[Calleigh]

Hi hope,

I don't really know how to begin...
First congratulations for your wedding

As you said, that is YOUR wedding, not your family's one.
I don't really meet the same problem, but I we have some points in common.

As far as I am concerned I cannot imagine getting married with 150 guests (included the half I won't know). I need some intimacy. That's why we are planning to do it in the US, without guests, or with just 2 close friends. That's a kind of escape to be quiet.

That's why I really understand why you're feeling like changing your 40 guests marriage in a more intimate ceremony. You have to think about it whithout forgetting that it is your marriage, your day, and so your decision. If the family is not happy for you, only because there are only invited to the NJ party...I don't think their are concerned with your happiness...

I understand that I have a stricter point of view than Disprincessatheart, but it allowed you to have 2 different feelings toward your situation.

I wish you a great wedding

 

[jacqu3lin3]

I can't stop laughing at the Golden Corral thing....

But seriously, you need to sit down with you family and tell them how you feel. When I first got engaged (2 months ago), my mother was being a real MOMZILLA trying to make all kinds of decisions for my wedding. She was just very excited that her only daughter is getting married. After talking to her, she is now helping me make decisions and not making them for me.

Hang in there......

 

[Island Mouse]

The best advice I was given regarding getting married was to pay for the wedding yourself. That way, you can have the wedding you and your DF want without the pressure from the families. They can still provide input, but since they aren't paying for the wedding, there really is no pressure or obligation to do exactly what they want.

 

[4luvofthemouse]

We originally planned on getting married at Disney 4yrs ago.
Both sets of parents were going to help pay for it, but things got so out of hand that we canceled it. We decided that no matter how long it took that we would pay for it ourselves. Unfortunately it didn't seem to really help.
Df's mother and sisters didn't believe that we were getting married (up until 3wks ago) so they told everyone that they didn't have to worry about coming.
So no one from his mom's side will be there. There has been so many comments made, opinions forced and stupid little looks made, its insane!
It really makes planning hard,but at the end of the day knowing that we are paying for everything does make life a little sweeter.

I think whether you pay for things or your parents pay you are always going to find someone who is not happy, even if you change things to please them it still won't work. Families get so caught up in all the hoopla that is involved with a wedding that they forget it's your day. I know sometimes it's even hard for you to remember that. There will be bad days but then amazing days will happen and you'll forget about the bad.
What worked best for me was if I was really having a bad day I would let myself cry a little and surround myself with my favorite things & little things that are special for my DF and I. (or I secretly tell off my FMIL & FSIL's using every obscene word I can think of, only in my mind of course) That always helps me to get back to the fact that I am marrying the love of my life and all the crap doesn't matter.
We also decide that anytime anyone "suggests" something to us we tell them that we are doing the complete opposite or we tell them something that we are doing, but we make sure its a really ridiculous idea, that always gets them talking and makes them more pissy.
I know that it can be really hard but try and hang in there and know that the light at the end of your tunnel will be your new husband!!

By the way I LOVE the Golden Corral!! Never thought of it for a reception though, hmmmm maybe I should switch. That would really send my FMIL flying

 

[osxgirl]

Oh, we didn't have quite the drama some of you have had, but I think that's only because we are both older, paid for it all ourselves (well, with the exception of the cake at our home reception, which meant I ended up getting roped into doing things I hadn't planned on doing there! AGH!), and, frankly, we saw some of that coming at a distance, and headed it off. Funny thing is, having the wedding at Disney was PART of our plan for heading it off.

I had already thought a little bit about having the wedding at Disney, and mentioned it to my (now) DH, when we announced the engagement to his family. His mom started talking plans almost immediately, and when talk of the dollar dance and apron dance and other such things started coming out of her mouth, I LEAPED at the idea of going to Disney! DH was behind me all the way. We're both older (I'm 40, he's 39), and well-established. We've asked all along for no gifts. We have two of almost everything. The only thing we cared about was that the people closest to us come down to enjoy the wedding and have fun. Having the wedding at Disney was a way to make the whole thing "non-traditional" and make it easy to explain why we weren't having all the things his mom thought of as "normal" for a wedding.

Even then, getting it through to her that there wasn't a traditional reception down there (we just had a lunch after the intimate wedding), that there would only be a couple of dances at the cake and champagne reception, and that the wedding and the "big" reception back home were two completely separate events was really difficult.

And it took a bit of doing to convince her that the reception back here was very casual, and we WEREN'T having the traditional dollar dance/apron dance/chicken dance/throw the garter/throw the bouquet/etc., etc. either. It's just a chance to have whatever pictures we have by then up for people to see, for us to be in our wedding clothes for people that couldn't be at the wedding to see, and for people to mix and mingle with finger foods and cake. That's it. And music for dancing, but just normal dancing.

But keeping it all under control wasn't easy. Fortunately, on my side, I had no problems really. They were all lined up for whatever I wanted. The only one that could have been any problem was my niece, who was a bridesmaid - she didn't really like the color I had for the dresses. Even then, I had my sister and my mom pick the dresses and even the color (in case they couldn't find dresses to match the blue that was in the trim on my wedding dress, which they did.) But my mom and my sister (who is also the niece's aunt) just told her that she's not the bride, the dress was fine, and that she'd wear it and behave. (She's 16.) And she did. She's really a good kid. And it actually looked great on her.

But heading off these problems took a lot of forethought and footwork on our part, and we STILL didn't quite head them all off. We were just fortunate that we only had to deal with it with one family rather than two!

Good luck, and remember.... be diplomatic, tell them you can see how that might be a really good idea, but.... while normally you really LOVE Golden Corral, you just really had your heart set on..... Or blame it on DF - he had a really bad experience at a Golden Corral, and he just isn't ready to go back there yet, certainly not on his wedding day.... come on, you just have to be creative!

And the photographer..... Well.... you're sure they take great photos, and you'd love to have them supplement what you get from the professional photographer, but you've seen the pictures that Randy, or Misty, or whoever takes, and you really love some of the effects they use and the styles, and you really can't imagine not getting those for your wedding pictures at this point. Besides, you've heard of too many cases where friends don't get just the right shots, and the bride and groom get upset, and then friendships get messed up, and it just isn't worth taking the chance with a friendship like that. You would rather just get a professional and keep friendships separate to make sure there are no problems like that.

Just use a little psychology, and figure out what works best with each person you have to deal with.

 

[caryndisneydiva]

You're from Highland Park? I grew up in South Brunswick, my parents still live there! I'm in Texas now...anyway, onto the family drama, your story holds true with my theory that weddings make normally reasonable people do funny things. I too was raised R.C. as was DF (former altar boy no less). We are being married in a non-denominational ceremony by a rabbi. you can imagine how well this went over with my NJ parents and family. you know what? I DON'T CARE. i'll be almost 28 when i get married in jan and df will be 36. as soon as we got engaged i laid out ground rules and i emailed them to my parents, the list was 2 pages long, they included things like,
1. no religious ANYTHING
2. i'm not tossing anything
3. no drama-vegas is only a plane ride away
4. no inviting family i don't know/don't like/haven't seen in 15 years
etc etc

then, i took what was most important to me about the day (besides disney) and df and i are paying for it (photography, videography, favors, hair and make up etc). that way I have control over those things, not my mother. i'm going to buy myself a bottle of champagne, and that morning, i'm going to happily drink mimosa's, get ready for my wedding and let them deal with the drama (*remind me of that last statement in 2 and a half months...*).

Ok, We're having the same issues about the lack of Catholic ceremony (I also won't lie to a priest/god about where my beliefs stand, and I refuse to do pre-cana classes),

i agree with helloirishkitty, there was NO WAY i was having a catholic wedding. we have lived "in sin" for 5 years and so i felt that they weren't going to marry us anyway, so i didn't even try. my grandmother was pretty upset by this, she told me that we didn't have to tell the priest that we had been living together! i'm not lying to a priest. i also don't feel the need for pre-cana classes...

 

[hope1826]

Thank you ALL so much for the advice and for sharing your drama. The advice to see my DF as the light at the end of the tunnel was especially uplifting.

And it is definitely true that I have to plan the wedding that will make us happy and not everyone else. Hopefully the advice her can make the process a little smoother.

And yeah I don't think an RC wedding is even an option since we've been living together practically since the first week we met. But I guess it didn't really hit my FMIL until we got engaged.

Mistress- I'm so sorry!! I read your PJ too. That's exactly what I don't understand. It's as if, for some parents, all reason goes out the window when their child is getting married. And everything becomes about them. I hope everyone calms down for you (and me). I've also been wondering... Are the same troublemakers (aka parents having trouble detaching from their nearly 30 year olds lives) going to freak out and act bizarre when babies are on the way?

Caryn -Do you miss New Jersey? I'm actually going dress shopping in South Brunswick and Princeton tomorrow!! I'm originally from Tennessee, grew up in New York City and then moved to Central Jersey two years ago. I love it here!!

 

[osxgirl]

Hope -

As far as the part about wondering if these same people will go into the same kind of freakout mode when their "babies" start having babies....

Well, no personal experience here, but from what I've seen from other people who've dealt with this kind of drama, I'm sorry to have to tell you the answer is... yes.

But - forewarned is forearmed! Perhaps you could start preparing your parents now, by telling them that... oh, I don't know... anything wild you can come up with. Maybe that you've decided to raise any children as Druids and you expect them to be prepared to honor that. Give them all kinds of dietary restrictions that you are going to expect them to follow when you have kids. Tell them that you plan to travel down to Disney right when you are due and spend every day sitting on the steps of Cinderella's castle with the hopes that they will have to take you up to the new Cinderella suite to give birth.

(Hmmm.... maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that one on this board! )

Then, when it's time to actually have the kids, and you only want reasonably normal things, and you just want them to let you be the parents and them to let you be in charge, maybe they'll be so grateful you aren't as nuts as they were thinking you were that they'll back off and be happy, afraid that if they push too much you'll go back to druidism-veganism-chanting-Disneymaniaworship and who knows what else!