anybody here ever cut ties with their parents

[jt'smom]

another thread got me thinking about this. i just recently had to cut all ties between my widowed mother and my family. i've got 3 other siblings who also don't speak to her or have anything to do with her for various reasons, with the common one among us all being that she just can't respect boundaries. since my dad died 24 years ago, the whole family has been living out a constant "soap opera" primarily orchestrated by my mother and it has resulted in 3 of us kids getting divorces, grandchildren who've been told by my mother that they aren't equally important to her, massive interference in remarriages ( she even hid a wedding band an hour before a ceremony!), and an attempted kidnapping, which involved the local fbi office, of one of the grandkids by my mom and one of our ex's who gave up parental rights!!!

over the years, this has torn the entire family apart and not one of my brothers and sisters, or neices and nephews, has any relationship either. it's very sad, but it makes me feel like we are caught up in some bad 80's night-time drama.

i've decided with her latest antic that protecting my child's emotional welfare is more important than trying to maintain a relationship with her, even though i feel so badly that she is 75 and totally alone in the world. she doesn't even have even have friends. just curious if anyone else has ever cut off family ties?

 

[happily single]

I wish I could say that I have, but honestly I think my mother cut ties to the entire family. She didn't even attend her own mother's funeral. There was no drama like the OP but at age 14 I moved out and we didn't speak until I was in my early 20's. We had a decent relationship until about 3 years ago when I asked her if she would be interested in spending time alone with her grandkids. Since then NADA!!! But then she has decided not to speak to my brother or her sisters and even her own mother's funeral.

I feel badly that my kids don't have grandparents, but I would rather be alone than force someone to have a relationship with them.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

i have. seems like your posting about my family! my mother couldnt respect our boundries 5 yrs ago once we had our first child. it was awful. we tried everything to repair it and went to family counselling. nothing worked. she didnt want to change, treated me and my hubby awful, spread horrible untruths about us you name it. she also cut ties with her own mother and will only visit her 2-3 times a year. we all live in the same city. it sucks, i hate it, miss my mom and realize my kids are missing out on another set of grandparents. but if your gonna treat me like that and not respect when we ask for a phone call before you arrive on our door step, see ya bye! biggest kick in the teeth i'm an only child. even more annoying was last week hearing a court in ontario awarded a mom who desserted her kids when they were young, are now accoerding to the court will have to pay for her nursing home care. i can see mine plotting now to do this.

 

[minkydog]

I have never completely cut ties to my parents, but I have instituted some serious boundaries. My father was just a mean, nasty, arrogant, controlling individual. He made our lives a living hell, always threatening to kill us or harm us. I tried to stay out of his way as much as I could, but he hit me upside the wall so hard when I was 17 I passed out. He threw my brother into the side of a house and gave him a concussion. He beat my sister to a pulp when she was 7 because she couldn't read. I went away to college as soon as I could(17) and had nothing to do with him after that. We remained estranged for 30 years, until he developed inoperable lung cancer. I decided to see him about a month before he died and ended up staying to take care of him. He was still a jerk, but now he was a jerk slowly suffocating from cancer. He had plenty of time to contemplate his life and came to the conclusion that he was a bad father, a bad husband, a bad friend, and generally had led a life of worthlessness. In the last 3 weeks, he turned over a new leaf. He asked genuine forgiveness and I granted it. I took care of him and held his hand when he died. And I never shed a single tear.

You have to do what it takes to protect yourself. I lost love for my father before I was 20. Had we not been related I would never have given this man the time of day. I do not regret the years of estrangement. A lot of people wonder why I would go to him at the end of his life. It wasn't for him. It was for me. I needed closure. A child never outgrows the need for parental approval. It was the first time in my 50 years that my father needed me and wanted me. So I took care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget. But it allowed me to release the old anger and hurt that had been inflicted on me as a child and to realize that as an adult I do have control. Nobody can abuse me without my consent. And I no longer consent.

 

[Mimi1965]

another thread got me thinking about this. i just recently had to cut all ties between my widowed mother and my family. i've got 3 other siblings who also don't speak to her or have anything to do with her for various reasons, with the common one among us all being that she just can't respect boundaries. since my dad died 24 years ago, the whole family has been living out a constant "soap opera" primarily orchestrated by my mother
and it has resulted in 3 of us kids getting divorces,

Although I feel for you-how can a third party(Mother) case your divorce?

 

[Chelley00]

I no longer have a relationship with my father. He is a pathological liar and has told his current wife all of these flat out lies. When I debunked the lies (drastic ones, like he had cancer...totally false) to my stepsister, he told everyone even more lies about me, like I had been hospitalized for being "unstable" and that I was lying about everything because I wanted him to divorce stepmom so I could have his "Money" (like $2 I'm sure) etc. When I called to confront him, he totally freaked out on me (because he knew he was busted) and called me horrid things which my daughter heard. We cut off all contact for years, but I felt guilty and let him creep back in. He has multiple health issues and I let everyone tell me how horrible I'd feel if he died while we estranged.

He comes to me twice a year saying he's going to leave stepmom for this reason or that, yet never has. All he does is complain about her and tell lies about my stepsister being on drugs. At a recent family funeral, stepmom glared at me through the entire thing, acted like I didn't exist if she walked by me, then yelled at me in the parking lot saying "Yep, everyone is a liar but you, right?" while my dad just walked away. That was the absolute final straw. I sent him an email telling him he was a miserable father to let people believe crap like that about his own daughter, and I understood how he felt he needed to cover his lies, but at the expense of his child? What kind of parent does that?

This time no one will convince me to stay in a toxic relationship with him, health issues, or not. I know I'm a better person if I don't have to worry about blowing his cover when I'm around them, there's no drama to deal with, and my wicked stemother has no contact with me or my children. I still feel guilty sometimes, but I have to remind myself that guilt of no relationship is sometimes better than than the hell of a relationship.

 

[bumbershoot]

My brother cut ties with our dad. There were many moments where it seemed to be the last straw, but a moment during the weekend of my wedding caused the final break. And honestly, I'm sure that my brother feels more like our dad took the final step and he's just enforcing it.

 

[handinpocket]

Oh come one, you can't blame divorces and family disruptions on your mother. Man up, take responsibility, your mother didn't cause all the family woes.

 

[ginna74]

I have a realative that cut ties with my mother. It really sickenes me at the amount of hate that is thrown in her direction. To this day this realative still thinks that she was not only juistified in doing this but is a forever victim and continues to hate in my moms direction. I think though in the end my mom is wayyyy better off without all the hate and negativity in her life, while this realitive still can't get enough of it. It is sad that it had to come down to this though. I still sometimes think about it and shake my head in wonder.....

 

[ginna74]

Oh come one, you can't blame divorces and family disruptions on your mother. Man up, take responsibility, your mother didn't cause all the family woes.

Oh you have NO idea what people can do to cause upheaval in ones family!!!!! There is some real evil in this world and they have to be related to someone!!! And coming from experience sometimes you loose in the lottery of life and happen to be related to them.

 

[bianca]

Like other posters, I did not cut ties completely. Long story short ...... Mom made "Mommy Dearest" look kind. After years of estrangement, she developed cancer that was "supposed" to kill her in six months ....... 15 years later she died. I let her have very limited involvement in the lives of her grandchildren (whom I had after her diagnosis with cancer) and don't regret that for one second, as they developed their own relationships with her. I will admit that she was a better grandmother than she was a mother, but she did frequently let her "true colors" shine with my kids. People are so fond of saying that you owe your mother everything, as she is the person that gave you life. I didn't let that influence my feelings or decisions. In the end, it was I, the oldest and her only daughter that helped her transition to the other side. I considered my slate clean and she died in my arms without a tear shed on either of our parts. I have no regrets for years spent without her in my life or the terms on which we parted. There were no tearful apologies, etc. and none were expected. All is good and I can honestly say that my life is soooo much happier now. Only you can decide what is best for you and what you can live with later in life.

 

[NatashaDisneyCM]

I have cut all ties with my sisters, and I have tried to do this with my parents, very toxic family issues, so I do my own thing, I do talk to parents around 1 time a week cut down from around 22 calls a day they would make to me!

so I have had to do this...and with some friends also!!! building a new life! I have to admit it is hard around the holidays but I have new friends going thr same as me!! so they come over...

 

[dogluva]

another thread got me thinking about this. i just recently had to cut all ties between my widowed mother and my family. i've got 3 other siblings who also don't speak to her or have anything to do with her for various reasons, with the common one among us all being that she just can't respect boundaries. since my dad died 24 years ago, the whole family has been living out a constant "soap opera" primarily orchestrated by my mother and it has resulted in 3 of us kids getting divorces, grandchildren who've been told by my mother that they aren't equally important to her, massive interference in remarriages ( she even hid a wedding band an hour before a ceremony!), and an attempted kidnapping, which involved the local fbi office, of one of the grandkids by my mom and one of our ex's who gave up parental rights!!!

over the years, this has torn the entire family apart and not one of my brothers and sisters, or neices and nephews, has any relationship either. it's very sad, but it makes me feel like we are caught up in some bad 80's night-time drama.

i've decided with her latest antic that protecting my child's emotional welfare is more important than trying to maintain a relationship with her, even though i feel so badly that she is 75 and totally alone in the world. she doesn't even have even have friends. just curious if anyone else has ever c

I ut off family ties?

I didn't until it affected my children. Before, I dealt with it and sheilded them but once she started with my kids I was like-DONE. Nothing comes between my children and me. God gave me these kids to protect and I was doing just that by cutting all ties off with my sister. It was over after she went after my kids. It has been seven years and I can finally say PEACE.

 

[quentina]

My biological father cut ties with me...I was 8 the last time I spoke to him.

His loss.....

I was lucky enough to have an amazing step dad who raised me as his own.

Too be honest, him disowning me was the best thing that ever happened to me.....he was mean, crazy and selfish.

 

[marcyinPA]

I had cut ties with my father when I was in college. He was going through a lot in his personal life that he took out on me. He had always been very controlling and didn't know how to show love in a genuine, fatherly way.

After many years of therapy, we slowly developed a relationship again. It is rocky a lot of the time, and he is still very controlling, but I no longer seek his approval and I don't give in to him anymore. Our personalities really clash a lot, which I really think is our biggest problem.

Deep down, I really think he tries his best and he is not an evil person. I maintain my relationship with him so that my kids have a relationship with him. Aside from us, he's pretty much alone in this world. And I will give him credit where credit is due: he's a much better grandfather than he ever was a father.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

My DH cut ties with his step mom(since he was 2.)

She is a horrible person. And I am not trying to be mean, she is just awful. She allowed him to be abused all though childhood and called him a liar when he told her, repeatedly about it. She made him get a job at the age of 8 and took the money he made as his room and board till he left for the military right after graduation. I could tell so many stories but he was so good to her still. Even into adulthood, we;d come to town and she didn't want us to come visit with the kids unless of course she had computer troulbes and then she wanted us there so DH could fix her computer. Then his father died. He wasn't a good dad either but he was his dad. Anway, when he died my DH said he wanted one thing that his dad had made, that was it, no money nothing of value and she said no, she was giving it to her cousin. That upset my DH but he let it go until she said why she wasn't giving it to him. She said his dad could never really stand him or his brother (who passed away about 10 years before that.) And that he wished he had never had them. Now, either it was true (and I believe it was based on how he treated the boys) and she should have taked it to her own grave, or it wasn't true and it was made up for pure evil. Either way it should have never been spoken. Through all she did to him as a child and as a married man with children, that was it for him. That was about 5 or 6 years ago . I know he will never speak to her again.

My mom cut off ties with me several years ago for a couple years when she got mad at me. She left me as a baby with my grandparents and never looked back so we aren't very close, but she is my mom so I finally ended it one day. She is now mad at me again and has not spoken to me since May other then an email in early June when she said she's only hoing onto the little bit of relationship we have cause she still wants to be able to know her grandkids. It was my b-day a couple weeks ago and she didn't call as I thought she might so I sent her an email and said let's move past this and that I'd be home the whole next day if she wanted to talk. That was 2 weeks ago. She hasn't called. She did send my kids a letter saying that IF it was OK with me she'd like to still be in touch with them for them to write her a letter or an email so I suspect she is cutting ties with me again.

Growing up I was an only being raised by my grandparents. They are wonderful people but being abandonded by both my mom and my dad was very hard and I was very lonely (no extended family.) I dreamed of someday being a part of a family so it is hard to still not have it. It is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes no family is better then surronding yourself with evil (and I don't mean annoying, but truly evil) people.

Sorry for anyone going though this.

 

[cm8]

[/QUOTE] It is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes no family is better then surronding yourself with evil (and I don't mean annoying, but truly evil) people.

Sorry for anyone going though this. [/QUOTE]

 

[spacemermaid]

I did.

My biological father was a bad person. He did horrible things that you just don't do to your wife or kid. Your kid or any kid. I won't go into detail, but I'm sure you can imagine. When he died a couple of years ago, I felt only relief.

Luckily, my stepfather (the man I call my dad; biofather was never deserving of that title) stepped up to the plate and was a GREAT parent to me from the age of 7 (when he & mom met) on. I am forever grateful to him for this.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I cut ties with my dad. Until early 2009, I kept in touch for my grandma (his mom, and she passed in March 2009) because I knew it would hurt her for me to ignore him. I believe he did likewise, in keeping in touch with me. I like his wife, I feel bad for her. She's going though a lot of the #%$# my mom had to go through. And I keep in touch with my half-brother because he's pretty cool. My dad though, I'm done with him. So long.

 

[tvguy]

I could never cut ties with my parents. They're my parents, I accept them for what they are,they accept me for what I am. They are my flesh and blood.