Anybody have a SO who works 2nd shift?

[glaserjm]

Hi DISers!
DH just got a new job where he is working 2nd shift (1:30 PM to Midnight; Mon-Thurs.) When we first were together he was working mostly nights and I was used to having that time to myself but for the last 7 years he has been working a 9-5 and but for two nights a week when he had school, we were having dinner together and having our evenings together. Even on the nights he did have school, I didn't go to bed alone in the house.

I think that this change is good for a variety of reasons, but I'm worried as well. The pros for me are that he now only has to work 4 days per week and has Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays off; he's not a morning person and is a night-owl so he's better suited to ease into his day and the new hours won't really disrupt his normal sleep schedule; we're expecting our first baby in August and working this new job combined with the help of my mom means that we'll only need outside child care for approximately 10 hours per week; the job had a 22% raise attached to it and much better advancement potential than his old position.

My obvious worries are about the decrease in time together and the fact that when baby comes, I'll be doing the evening routine alone after working all day (of course I realize that he'll be doing the daytime alone then having to go to work). I'm glad I'll have these next 6 months to adjust to having him gone 4 nights per week, but I know all bets are off when baby comes because the schedule will change drastically yet again.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm just wondering if there are others out there who are in a similar arrangement and what you've done to ensure that you keep that connection going? I feel lucky to be in a really supportive and happy marriage, it's the most important thing in my life, and I definitely want to preserve that.

 

[RF536]

The first 10 years of our marriage DH worked either afternoons or midnight and always had to work one weekend shift. He did not get on days until our younger son was in first grade.
My main suggestion is make the time you have together count. If the house isn't perfect oh well you time together is more important. When possible sit down and have a meal together, whatever meal works with your schedule.
You will both develop you own routines with the baby, neither one is better than the other.
We did not have a hard and fast bedtime, nap time, or time the boys had to get up each morning, this allowed them to spend time with DH when he was up and home. Like you, grandma watched the boys so we didn't have to have them on a schedule for daycare.

 

[OZMom]

DH works 55 hours at job 1 (first shift) and 20-25 hours at job 2 (second shift). He has done it since before he and I met, almost 10 years at this point. I agree with PP, it's about making the time count. Everyone knows that Sunday is our family day, we turn down a lot of invitations in favor of family time. I get up with him every morning and stay up to kiss him goodnight when he gets home. Sometimes I will make him dinner when he gets home from his second job so we can eat together. I sneak notes in his lunch box, he leaves me notes on my car.

There are 2 evenings a week he only works 1 job and is home to have dinner with us. We always make it a big deal, we cook together, or go out for ice cream afterwards. Weekends I will let the boys stay up late so they can say goodnight to him. I found that once we discovered the rhythm and dynamic that works for us, it was a lot easier.

The problem I found is other people who don't understand when we say "no sorry I can't have a girls night, because I want to spend time with my husband" or "No sorry, we can't come to Super Bowl Sunday, because we are spending time as a family."

 

[glaserjm]

Thanks RF356! I totally agree about the mealtimes. We will likely have breakfast/coffee together in the mornings and my goal is to get out of the office to either come home for lunch or meet for lunch some days and of course have dinner together on the three nights he's not working.

I think flexibility is key and I'm hopeful we can just adjust as needed. Glad to hear somebody else has done it successfully!

 

[glaserjm]

Thanks OZ! We have talked about the fact that since we will only have three evenings per week when we can have time, we are going to keep at least on of those nights for family time only. It may be an adjustment since we tend to socialize most weekends, but people will just have to understand that this time together comes first. Besides, I think having a baby will be putting a dent in our social life anyway!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Mine does.
We hang out in the mornings.
What really stinks right now is that I work in the evenings too so when he has a day off I'm still at work and visa versa.

 

[Saimaeve]

My husband just switched from 2nd/3rd shift. I much prefer 3rd shift.

 

[glaserjm]

Today is day one and I had when I'm sure is the first in a string of "Jayne's Sorry Solo Dinners", which consisted of a scrambled egg sandwich and baked lays. Honestly, it's nice not necessarily having to figure out what both of us will agree on!

Thanks for the input!

 

[OZMom]

Today is day one and I had when I'm sure is the first in a string of "Jayne's Sorry Solo Dinners", which consisted of a scrambled egg sandwich and baked lays. Honestly, it's nice not necessarily having to figure out what both of us will agree on!

Thanks for the input!

There is definitely an advantage to this DH is a super picky eater, much pickier then either of my kids, so it's nice to not have to worry about cooking for him some nights. I find that when he gets home at 10 or 11 at night, he's just as happy with grilled cheese, as he is with baked chicken

 

[lauradis]

Mine has worked 24 hrs on 48 hrs off, (I can count on being without him for all storms, recalls randomly) for over 19 years. I still get lonely and miss him at night.

Here's the but part. I have found it freeing with children to do our own thing when he works, like girl sleep overs, going out with just the kids, left overs for dinner, I can basically do what ever I want, etc.

 

[lauradis]

Today is day one and I had when I'm sure is the first in a string of "Jayne's Sorry Solo Dinners", which consisted of a scrambled egg sandwich and baked lays. Honestly, it's nice not necessarily having to figure out what both of us will agree on!

Thanks for the input!

making a batch of crockpot meals would be the answer, if he will eat leftovers. You eat it at night he eats it for lunch. freeze rest in portion size for future freezer meals.

 

[glaserjm]

making a batch of crockpot meals would be the answer, if he will eat leftovers. You eat it at night he eats it for lunch. freeze rest in portion size for future freezer meals.

I think that sounds great, we talked about doing this. He actually leaves at the perfect time to put something in the crock-pot for me to come home to; I sometimes hated when we came home to something that was in just a bit too long and was dried out. I think alternating between us on who is doing cooking will keep another little connection!

 

[Tarheel girl 1975]

I used to work 2nd shift with Mondays and Tuesdays off (later I had Sundays and Mondays.) You just do it. We just got used to the fact that we would never have a whole day off together. We would try to get together for lunch sometimes and on weekends he would stay up until I go home. (I got off at 12:30.) It worked fine until both of my kids were in school. Then I had to switch schedules because I felt like I never got to see my family.

 

[mombrontrent]

6 months ago my DH started working afternoons/nights. Before he used to go to work at 3-4 am and get home around 5-6pm. Now he goes in at 2pm and gets home around 3-4am. He also is more naturally a night owl so this new schedule works out better for him sleeping wise. He also technically only has to work Mon-Thurs night but at least 75% of the time he works Sun night as well for overtime.

I work days and the kids are all in school all day so the only time we really get to see him is Fri night, Sat and Sun before he goes into work. He is asleep when we all leave in the morning and already gone to work by the time we all get home from work/school. He gets to be the fun weekend dad while I deal with dinner, homework, after school activities, sports, bedtime, dishes, laundry ect. ect. ect. I actually don't mind it most of the time and while I enjoy sending time together on weekends I have also come to enjoy a couple hours alone in the evenings after the kids have all gone to bed.

 

[glaserjm]

Thanks Tarheel girl. I agree that it's just one of those things that you have to "just do it". I agree about a schedule shift when kids are school age. Since we're about 6 years away from school, we're hoping by that time that he'll be able to be in a first shift role.

 

[glaserjm]

6 months ago my DH started working afternoons/nights. Before he used to go to work at 3-4 am and get home around 5-6pm. Now he goes in at 2pm and gets home around 3-4am. He also is more naturally a night owl so this new schedule works out better for him sleeping wise. He also technically only has to work Mon-Thurs night but at least 75% of the time he works Sun night as well for overtime.

I work days and the kids are all in school all day so the only time we really get to see him is Fri night, Sat and Sun before he goes into work. He is asleep when we all leave in the morning and already gone to work by the time we all get home from work/school. He gets to be the fun weekend dad while I deal with dinner, homework, after school activities, sports, bedtime, dishes, laundry ect. ect. ect. I actually don't mind it most of the time and while I enjoy sending time together on weekends I have also come to enjoy a couple hours alone in the evenings after the kids have all gone to bed.

Yeah, I worry about how it would be if this was still the arrangement by the time baby is in school. I don't think we'd be as ok with this schedule when that time comes.

 

[DVC-Don]

Back when I was in law enforcement we called 2nd shift (3-11 or 4-mid) the "divorce shift".

 

[glaserjm]

Ouch DVC-Don...not very comforting

I deal with divorce for a living and there are a high number of LEO's that seemed to get divorced in general, I'm assuming shift work does have a lot to do with it.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Ouch DVC-Don...not very comforting

I deal with divorce for a living and there are a high number of LEO's that seemed to get divorced in general, I'm assuming shift work does have a lot to do with it.

We did it for about 17 years. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my dh switched over to the afternoon shift. It was great while the kids were babies and up until they were all in school, then it became more difficult. I was the one running 3 kids around during the school week ie brownies, cub scouts, soccer etc... I felt like a single parent since the kids basically only saw their dad on Saturday's and Sunday's and he couldn't do any of the hustling and bustling. I was exhausted as well. We did have problems in our marriage as a result of us not spending 5 days a week together. He is on day shift now and while it's great, he did miss a big part of his kids growing up.

 

[tvguy]

Back when I was in law enforcement we called 2nd shift (3-11 or 4-mid) the "divorce shift".

I can see that. I worked 11 pm to 7 am for 25 years while my wife worked 930 am to 6 pm. I had 90 minutes (awake) with her every morning, and 4 (awake )hours with her every night. At my DW's place and mine, folks with kids prefer that 11 pm to 7 am shift because on parent is always available if the other parent works days.