Anybody get grief over only having one child? (Inspired by cats7494)

[TinaCasa]

I have a 14 month old girl. She is very content and happy. It would be very easy for me to have another, if I wanted one. However, I do not. I can afford one. We travel a lot. I can afford her the opportunity to see the world. I have time in my schedule to take one child to soocer practice, dance recitals, etc...whatever she decdes to do, whatever college she wants to go to... I have many friends and family members close in age to her. My husband and I both agree that she will be able to take her friends/family with her anywhere we go as long as there is room. She is in no way a lonely child. My husband is an only child and quite content as well.

What is really rude about people asking when you are going to have another one is they have no idea if the person they are asking has been trying unsuccessfully. I have a friend who just lost her second child after 4 months of pregnancy and it pains me when I am in public with her and the two of us get asked this question. Why do people feel the need to put this type of pressure on someone? It is YOUR life, not theirs.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

I saw that episode of "Sex and the City" of singles vs. marrieds and how marrieds tend to think singles can't be happy unless they have a SO. I met my DH when I was 18 and fell into that mindset w/ my Dfriends almost feeling sorry for them for not meeting the right partner because I was so happy. Well, that show was an eye opener for me for how my single friends must be feeling when they hang out w/ me. I lived vicariously thru their adventures, career changes, and travels. And I felt so sorry for them. After seeing the show, I felt terrible for my single friends for having to deal w/ me.

Now that those same girls are marrieds, I try desperately to refrain from asking the "When are you starting a family," question. But it's so hard. I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to love and hold their kids. And I am so excited for this stage in their lives. The one friend just got married a year ago and I haven't said a word about kids to her yet. I'm very proud of myself. But my other friend, who has a little boy 18 mos. younger than my boy, is pregnant again, and I asked, "Do you think this one is it, or will you try for another?" (By the way, both she and DH came from 3. And we've been having children opposite years so our kids are all close in age. So I thought it was a legitimate question.) Anyway, she said, "I'm still pregnant w/ this one... let me have this baby first, and then we'll talk about maybe having a third." Ooopss! I fell into the trap yet again. I can't help myself. She was very nice about it, but I heard the "tone" and knew I had overstepped my bounds. Oh my!

So I'm one of the baddies out there, but I do it out of love, like a Mother Hen. And I would NEVER question a stranger... none of my business. I am trying to hold back for my friends, but it takes a lot of work to stay out of their business. Luckily for her I live 2 hours away. He He.

PS If I ever did ask a stranger on the playground it would be out of curiosity only. I wonder why people choose to have 1 or 6 children, not to degrade them, but to see all sides so I can decide for myself w/ all of the knowledge at hand. I'm so interested in the pros and cons of single or multiple children. The dynamics are so different for each number. Such an interesting topic I think. As long as there is no judgement involved.

 

[LanaJayne]

A good response that will make them think is, "I can't imagine why you're asking...it really is too painful to talk about!"

Maybe then they'll realize how insensitive they are!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Disney Enthusiast
I saw that episode of "Sex and the City" of singles vs. marrieds and how marrieds tend to think singles can't be happy unless they have a SO. I met my DH when I was 18 and fell into that mindset w/ my Dfriends almost feeling sorry for them for not meeting the right partner because I was so happy. Well, that show was an eye opener for me for how my single friends must be feeling when they hang out w/ me. I lived vicariously thru their adventures, career changes, and travels. And I felt so sorry for them. After seeing the show, I felt terrible for my single friends for having to deal w/ me.

Now that those same girls are marrieds, I try desperately to refrain from asking the "When are you starting a family," question. But it's so hard. I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to love and hold their kids. And I am so excited for this stage in their lives. The one friend just got married a year ago and I haven't said a word about kids to her yet. I'm very proud of myself. But my other friend, who has a little boy 18 mos. younger than my boy, is pregnant again, and I asked, "Do you think this one is it, or will you try for another?" (By the way, both she and DH came from 3. And we've been having children opposite years so our kids are all close in age. So I thought it was a legitimate question.) Anyway, she said, "I'm still pregnant w/ this one... let me have this baby first, and then we'll talk about maybe having a third." Ooopss! I fell into the trap yet again. I can't help myself. She was very nice about it, but I heard the "tone" and knew I had overstepped my bounds. Oh my!

So I'm one of the baddies out there, but I do it out of love, like a Mother Hen. And I would NEVER question a stranger... none of my business. I am trying to hold back for my friends, but it takes a lot of work to stay out of their business. Luckily for her I live 2 hours away. He He.

PS If I ever did ask a stranger on the playground it would be out of curiosity only. I wonder why people choose to have 1 or 6 children, not to degrade them, but to see all sides so I can decide for myself w/ all of the knowledge at hand. I'm so interested in the pros and cons of single or multiple children. The dynamics are so different for each number. Such an interesting topic I think. As long as there is no judgement involved.

This was a really nice post. I never thought about it like that.

PS. your kids are adorable!

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by Disney Enthusiast

PS If I ever did ask a stranger on the playground it would be out of curiosity only. I wonder why people choose to have 1 or 6 children, not to degrade them, but to see all sides so I can decide for myself w/ all of the knowledge at hand. I'm so interested in the pros and cons of single or multiple children. The dynamics are so different for each number. Such an interesting topic I think. As long as there is no judgement involved.

This is a little different than the "When are you having your next one" question. I wouldn't mind at all if someone asked me this way.

And I would tell you that I only had one because it's easier and I was never sure if I could love another kid as much as I adore her. (Although as we enter teenage territory, I'm thinking that maybe I could!) But with each bad stage I know, "Hey, I don't ever have to go through THIS stage again!"

As for being called selfish--it's been implied but I think the first person to actually say it would get a big piece of my mind! Who are they to call you selfish for only wanting one (or none or wanting 8?) The number of people who will chime right in that their way is the only way just amazes me!

I've gotten some really great replies and now I know I'm not the only one--thanks so much and I'd love to hear more.

 

[SC Minnie]

It different when asked this by a close friend- I don't see it as being nosey then- just a conversation and wanting to know what's going on. Plus once you answered the question they don't ask again or you may go into more detail ( DD had 4surgeries before she was 5 for a birth defect and I didn't want to go through that again- that is the main reason for only 1). I don't like it from co-workers or people you know only casually and don't want them in your business.

 

[disneymom2one]

We get it. Hann (almost nine) has Asperger's so having one more is out of the question. It sometimes takes both my husband and I to deal with whatever has upset her and she also needs things "just so". It's exhausting at times but we wouldn't change it for the world. But there's no way I could give to another.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
I have no kids (by choice) and I have been called a lot worse things than selfish. It's amazing what people think they can say to you because you choose not to have kids. I swear, some of these folks think you are worse than the devil for not having kids.

I say, people should have whatever size family they want and can afford.

That is terrible!!! You sound just the opposite to me. My DB got married and had a baby right away. They were bankrupt and his DW decided she would never have to work again after she had the baby. Why bring a child into that mess? They wanted me to sign for their car loan. I didn't, but a friend did, and they didn't pay those bills and lost the car....and a friend after ruining the friend's credit.

My DH and I waited for 10 yrs (and got questioned many times throughout the years) until our finances were good enough to support a child w/o the added stressers of money. Yes you can raise a child w/ little or no money, but I for one like to know my mortgage is being paid each month. Also, we were both working so many hours, 7 days a week, that I wanted us to get to a level where I could stay home, and my DH could take off a weekend once a month to spend w/ the kids. I never understood why one would bother to have children, if he/she had no time for them. Now that would seem selfish to me.

I think Ezmerelda is being very considerate of her SO for thinking of his thoughts and feelings regarding children rather than looking elsewhere. And remaining childless is NOT selfish, but considerate as well. Because if you believe you can not give the child your undivided love and support both financially and emotionally, then you are doing the right thing by not having children.

I had a friend who wanted to marry an attorney. Didn't care what he looked like or whether he had a good personality, just thought she'd marry an attorney. Well, she got smart and married a good man, who happens to NOT be an attorney. And she is happily married. So Ezmerelda's choice of SO is that of a good man who fits her perfectly. He may not fit the mold in wanting to have children, but he fits her and that is all that matters. So I can think of many adjectives for Ezmerelda, none of which are selfish. Loving, caring, thoughtful are just a few.......

 

[ZachnElli]

I have 2 kids and this really chaps my hyde! I have a sil who would be the perfect person to have a ton of kids, she's a great mom. She had 4 miscarriages, a baby, 4 more miscarriages with 3 surgeries (ectopic, endometreosis), she was told to give up and she did. A year later she got a miracle and her son was born 9months later. Her kids are 8 years apart and man did she get grief! From total strangers even! What is up with that? I know she went off on a couple of them, I don't blame her. She's going back to school now to be an elementary teacher, she just loves kids!

 

[Bob Slydell]

Nobody who's close to our family asks, because they know that at the current time, we have one child not because of choice, but by circumstance (DW's health). If we're blessed with another child, that'll be great, but if not that'll be fine too. If anyone asks us why we only have one child and doesn't accept the simple answer of that's just the way it happened, then I'll walk away before I give them the long history of our family and our struggles.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
I am also very happy with my relationship I am in and have been in for several years. The man I am with does not EVER want children.

As much as I love kids, I love him more. So if I ever decided I wanted a kid, I'd have to leave him and find someone who did. And I have no intent on leaving him. I'm happy with him and since I'd have to make a choice - have a baby and leave him, or stay with him and not have a baby , I choose stay with him and not have a baby.

I was in the same situation about 12 years ago. My husband and I had zero interest in having children when we got married. However ... I changed in my mid-30's and began to want a child. We talked about our needs and wants as individuals and as a couple. It took a couple of years to work things out and I had my DD at the age of 38. I wouldn't quite say I changed my DH's mind about wanting a child. He decided that he loved me enough to have a child with me since it became a "deal breaker" in our relationship. He now loves our DD as much as he loves me. So ... it can work the other way too. You may change your mind later in life and so could he. Or, you could remain child-free. That's OK, too.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Thank you Esmerelda for your kind remarks on the cuteness of my kiddies. I really appreciate you noticing!

And thank you Esmerelda and NMAmy for making me feel better about my comments to others. I really try to be aware of how my remarks affect others, and I would feel just terrible if I offended or hurt anyone by my remarks. Especially those poor couples who have gone thru painful or difficult times trying to get pregnant but to no avail. That is mainly why I leave my questions to those I know very well. I just remember my DH's mother who had 9 miscarriages and was told she couldn't carry a child. She wanted children her whole life since before she could remember. She told me it was very difficult fending off the questions and that was in the 60's. I would never want to put someone else thru that. It would break my heart.

I am serious about being interested in the dynamics of numbers though. My DH and I heard about the crazy middle child for years. But I can tell you from experience, it is not true. I have several friends who were middle children and they are very sweet and sane.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
I am also very happy with my relationship I am in and have been in for several years. The man I am with does not EVER want children.

As much as I love kids, I love him more. So if I ever decided I wanted a kid, I'd have to leave him and find someone who did. And I have no intent on leaving him. I'm happy with him and since I'd have to make a choice - have a baby and leave him, or stay with him and not have a baby , I choose stay with him and not have a baby.


My DH and I both thought we'd have kids someday, but we knew it wasn't going to be any time soon. We loved other people's kids, but liked the fact we could give them back.... it wasn't 24/7. In fact spending time w/ other's kids was great birth control for us. Fast forward 10 yrs. I originally had some trouble getting pregnant myself and went on fertility drugs for half a year. My DH said to me that although he now wanted children very badly, he would stay w/ me no matter what happens. And if we couldn't have kids, then so be it. He married me, loves me, and will stick it out w/ me through thick and thin. He made me feel special even though I felt broken at the time and I knew losing him wasn't an option.

Esmerelda, I am so happy that you are in a supportive relationship w/ your significant other.

 

[robsmom]

Having one 5 yr DS, I get asked this alot but it really doesn't bother me too much and it has slowed down in recent years. I think when your child is about 2 is when people really start asking, by 5 they figure you are 1 and done (as i call it!!). Anyone who watched my first pregnancy knows why I only have one! it was a bit rough. I usually use this as my reason even with the total stranger types. Say "i had a really difficult 1st pregnancy and don't feel that I can go throught that while raising my son".

As far as being selfish, the only person I am accountable to is my husband. If he really really wants another one, I would be willing to go through it again only because he can't. For now he is happy with one.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by Disney Enthusiast


I am serious about being interested in the dynamics of numbers though. My DH and I heard about the crazy middle child for years. But I can tell you from experience, it is not true. I have several friends who were middle children and they are very sweet and sane.

I'm so glad to hear that since I'm a middle child and DH is as well. He's only a middle child by 15 minutes since he has a twin who is the youngest! Middle children are mediators--we're always used to fighting for our attention.

robsmom--I think one reason I still get questions even tho DD is 13 is that I've remarried. DH has a 22 yo, though. We neither one want anymore children!

Can you imagine a 22 year age gap between your kids?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Disney Enthusiast
That is terrible!!! You sound just the opposite to me. My DB got married and had a baby right away. They were bankrupt and his DW decided she would never have to work again after she had the baby. Why bring a child into that mess? They wanted me to sign for their car loan. I didn't, but a friend did, and they didn't pay those bills and lost the car....and a friend after ruining the friend's credit.

My DH and I waited for 10 yrs (and got questioned many times throughout the years) until our finances were good enough to support a child w/o the added stressers of money. Yes you can raise a child w/ little or no money, but I for one like to know my mortgage is being paid each month. Also, we were both working so many hours, 7 days a week, that I wanted us to get to a level where I could stay home, and my DH could take off a weekend once a month to spend w/ the kids. I never understood why one would bother to have children, if he/she had no time for them. Now that would seem selfish to me.

I think Ezmerelda is being very considerate of her SO for thinking of his thoughts and feelings regarding children rather than looking elsewhere. And remaining childless is NOT selfish, but considerate as well. Because if you believe you can not give the child your undivided love and support both financially and emotionally, then you are doing the right thing by not having children.

I had a friend who wanted to marry an attorney. Didn't care what he looked like or whether he had a good personality, just thought she'd marry an attorney. Well, she got smart and married a good man, who happens to NOT be an attorney. And she is happily married. So Ezmerelda's choice of SO is that of a good man who fits her perfectly. He may not fit the mold in wanting to have children, but he fits her and that is all that matters. So I can think of many adjectives for Ezmerelda, none of which are selfish. Loving, caring, thoughtful are just a few.......

Thank you!

Another thing that bugs me a little - is people tend to think that because I have chosen not to have children that I somehow don't like children. That too, could not be further from the truth! I love, love LOVE kids. We spend time with our various neices and nephews (between the two of us, there are a lot of neices and nephews!) all the time.

Anyway thank you for your kind words. That was so sweet of you!

 

[goodstarr]

"One and done - I don't need a son" is what I always say. Yes, they call me selfish, but I don't think that making a playmate for my DD is enough reason to create another human being. If they continue to bug me, I then inform them that I had ovarian cancer and can't have any more. That USUALLY shuts them up (but then you have those that say "You can always adopt"). Some people just don't know when to shut up!

 

[disney4us2002]

I just have to say I agree that people will say anything!

We have three sons. When we had two and announced the third was coming, there was a moment of complete silence. It seemed to last an eternity. Finally, my mil asked "why?"

While still in the delivery room, one of the nurses said to another nurse (I'm assuming she thought I was still groggy from the c-section) "I bet she's sorry she decided to try again." as if the only reason we had a third was to get a girl and that my son must be a disappointment. I was furious and my ob asked the nurse to please step outside the room. I never saw her again for the 5 days I was there, thank goodness.

 

[kimmy-man]

We get those "well-meaning" remarks all the time. Here are a few of my reasons:
1. We had a hard enough time getting our 5 year old. I don't want to go throught that again!
2. Most of my friends have 2 or more. But, they can't afford to save for retirement, or college. Yet, we are seen as "being unfair" to our daughter by not giving her a sibling. How fair is it to bring a child into this world with no plans to provide for it's future? Our first responsibility is to take care of her!
3. We got it right the first time!
4. She has no time to be lonely, she has our undivided attention 24/7.
5. We want to give her all the opportunities we can. (This includes DVC membership, travelling etc.)
6. We don't have to deal with sibling rivalry, or the constant fighting.
I'm so glad to hear from others on this subject! Most of the time I smile and politely say, "I can't. Thank you for bringing it up!"

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by disney4us2002
I just have to say I agree that people will say anything!

We have three sons. When we had two and announced the third was coming, there was a moment of complete silence. It seemed to last an eternity. Finally, my mil asked "why?"

While still in the delivery room, one of the nurses said to another nurse (I'm assuming she thought I was still groggy from the c-section) "I bet she's sorry she decided to try again." as if the only reason we had a third was to get a girl and that my son must be a disappointment. I was furious and my ob asked the nurse to please step outside the room. I never saw her again for the 5 days I was there, thank goodness.

We have this problem a lot in our family. My DH has 2 brothers, his brother has 3 boys, and his father has 3 brothers. When we found out our first was a boy, we figured the 2nd would be as well. Boys are just natural in our family. We even had a boy's name picked out. But at the ultrasound, we found out the baby was a girl and we were astonished. We were actually hoping for a girl, so if we decided to have a 3rd, nobody would question our hopes for a girl as they did you. We thought the youngest might feel more welcome that way, knowing he or she was really wanted, not just a 3rd try for the correct sex. So sad. I would hope that your youngest never thinks that he was supposed to be the girl. That would be terrible if anyone gave him that impression.

Anyway, I have a very Dear Friend who has 3 lovely boys. Her DM was also broken hearted that her daughter would never get the chance to share w/ a daughter. But my friend tells everyone, she is as happy as can be. She sends her DH out w/ the boys to do a boys day out, and she has her time alone. She also considers herself to be the Queen Bee in her household and wouldn't give that up for the world. She loves it.