Anybody else (w/o kids) have an issue with hubby not helping with household chores?

[BC]

I have been married for 4 yrs for the 2nd time. My husband is 11 yrs older and retired from his career job but works part time at Home Depot for his play money. I am still working full time at my job of 31 yrs. He is a fishaholic and every day off is planned for fishing. Either actually going or shopping for tackle, making tackle or getting ready to go the next day. I come home every day to the same chores and every Saturday of mine is spent dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms & kitchen, mopping, etc. I admit I am particular and our house is always straight, but it sure would be nice to come home one Friday and all this be done. It is one of our major discussions! He does do laundry occasionally and cuts the grass ( I cut grass also) so he says it's not like he doesn't ever help. I have tried to let it go and see how long it all piles up thinking he would do it, but he didn't. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I cleaned it up. Any suggestions as to how to get some help. I sometimes resent working more outside of the home and inside! It actually hurts my feelings that he doesn't consider how tired I am sometimes.

 

[snoopy]

Well, I do all the cleaning around here(and do have kids). DH would never do it to my liking, and he sure wouldn't do it in a timely fashion, so I just decided I would do it and make him do other stuff. He does all the grocery shopping and some of the cooking. We don't have a lawn, but anything outside like snow shoveling, etc. he does as well as work on our cars. I get annoyed at times when he throws his clothes in a heap or leaves dirty dishes in the sink, but for the most part, I just clean it up and figure I'll get my share when its freezing cold out and he is outside cleaning the cars and front steps and sidewalk when there is a couple of layers of ice everywhere.

 

[BC]

Mine does change the oil in the cars, but refuses to learn to cook. He also informed me one time that "He is not a dishwasher". He does go to the grocery store, but just to get "his" stuff. He buys the same things over and over. Tuna, beer, vienna sausages, milk, bread, juice, cookies. These are fishing goodies. It really grinds me to have to cook and clean up all the mess when he has been off all day and sits in the recliner while I cook it and gets up and walks off when he is finished! GRRRR!!

 

[mtblujeans]

Don't even get me started.....

 

[susy]

You said the word right in your thread title-Helping. Why is is that DH's "help" around the house? If two people work full time, the housework should be divided 50/50. If one person stays home and is doing everything in the house, then that is their full time job-believe me I did it forever. Is is not the easier of the two. Men don't help around the house because they don't want to and pretend not to know how or that they are incapable of learning. If your husband is working part time and you are working full time, he should do more than you . If you don't want to make it an issue, you will be slaving after him until the day you die. I start back to school full time in two weeks-lists are being made as we speeak!

 

[powellrj]

I have a couple of ideas.
1) lower your standards and do the work together. This is what I did. I got tired of doing all the housework and working full-time. My house isn't as clean as I would do, but I am also not doing it all myself.

2) don't do it for a week to let him see how much work there really is. I see you and I both had the same results when we tried this. It only bothered me.

3)hire someone. It may not cost as much as you think and would give you more time and a lot less stress.

Good luck!

 

[pw2pp]

If I were you I would either Retire or go Part-Time. There is absolutely no way I would put up with this.

 

[Esmerelda]

Wow BC...do you and I have a LOT in common. I too was married (noticed the past tense) to a man for over 15 years that did nothing but go to work and come home. He thought that was the end of his duties. I on the other hand...I did all house cleaning, laundry...took care of two small kids...home repairs...all the bills...the taxes every year....mowed the lawn (yes, even when I was pregnant with both of my boys because he wouldn't do it and I was ashamed of our yard!)....cleaned vehicles...cooked the dinners and cleaned up the kitchen...gave the boys their bath every night when they were little...and YESSSSS...on top of that I worked about 20 hours a week at the ER where I am still employed.

I divorced that man in 2000 and you know what...I am happier than I've ever been in almost 42 years. The sad part is, my ex will meet these poor women and they think he's MR. HANDYMAN because he starts out trying to impress them...but once he's in...it all stops. His own sons that are 9 and 12 have even caught on....its very sad indeed. I feel bad for these women that he links up with. The only other love of his life (besides himself) is fishing!!! Hey, I told you we had a lot in common!! He would come home from work...load up the boat...and would be gone until 11 pm at night. He had the nerve to yell at me if I was scheduled to work on a Saturday for 12 hrs in the ER because it interrupted his fishing time!! OHHH PLEAAASEEEEEE....LOL
He also had the nerve AFTER I worked 12 hrs in the ER on a Sat to ask me what "I" was going to fix for dinner.....you have got to be kidding right...????? I'm exhausted..and you've been home all day....duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just a side note...he remarried 6 months after our divorce and then that ended up in divorce (doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out..lol) Then he moved in with another lady before his 2nd divorce was final (great role model) and then she booted him out after his old habits started. (that was per his children) I'm not sure of his latest.

ON a much better note!!! I met a wonderful man....about a year and half ago. He has been divorced for about 10 years. He is TOTALLY the opposite of my ex. His home is spotless...he does his own laundry...he mows...he does bills/taxes..knows how to clean up after himself...and you know what...he DOESN'T FISH!!! lol....seriously...he is great. We totally respect each other and its easy when someone works as hard as you do. I absolutely adore him and love him...he proposed to me this past spring and we are getting married next May. My oldest son (12) said to me, mom...he is the dad I always wanted but never had....and yes, I almost cried. My youngest has already asked to call him dad.

Don't ever think that what your husband is doing in normal..because it isn't and remember that only YOU can change it if you are not happy. If he lives there, by golly he should be helping out with household stuff. Everyone deserves to be happy and treated with respect. If you are not getting that, then something is wrong. I wish you the best.

My advice to you...start NOT doing his laundry..leave it in a pile for him..and for heavens sake...STOP cooking...take yourself out for dinner...maybe meet a friend for dinner (a female..not a male) and enjoy yourself. You know...life is just too short to put up with that. Maybe then he will take a hint.


refuses to clean up after any man,
Esmerelda

 

[onecoolmama]

Yes, I have that exact type of husband.

 

[Saphire]

It really does amaze me that in this enlightened time of woman's rights and equality, women are still slaves to their homes and husband's, but now they have a job as well. If he is an old fashioned guy and expects you to do the housework, then become an old fashioned girl and quit your job to take care of the home. Why are you doing it all?? This is not equality, it is bondage. I think he should work a few more hours so you can hire someone to clean weekly. Good Luck.

 

[Crankyshank]

Yep. It's more stress on me to get DH to do anything around the house than it is just to do it myself, so I've given up.

It's pretty sad when his own mother told me the only way she could ever get him to do something is nag him and then give up and start to do it herself.

 

[sharbear]

What bothered me in your post is that you said that he goes to the store and only buys things for himself. That is very unconsiderate and I think, selfish.

It's a second marriage for both of you? I am trying not to say anything mean but I'm feeling it.

I have kids and I work part-time in a school system, I am busy but I also have lots of free time. I am not a slave but I do the shopping and cooking and laundry. My DH works a very busy and demanding job BUT when I ask, he is very helpful. He does not see the mess where I do and he has a mother who did everything for him and he just expects others to treat him like his mother. I have to remind him but he's pretty good. He does a lot around the house and does all of the lawn work.

My dad retired before my mom and when he was retired he shopped and cooked and helped my mom out. She had a cleaning lady so they didn't fight about cleaning the house. (My mom's standards of clean are much higher than mine!) My dad still helps my mom out but my mom wants to do things a certain way so my dad does things that my mom doesn't want to do or cares how they are done.

I would recommend that you hire a cleaning person and also that you go to counseling. This needs to be addressed or things are going to fester and you are going to become very resentful.

 

[stinkerbelle]

DH and I are still newlyweds (1 year in September), we both work full time (And DH is a volunteer Firefighter on the side) and I think we've worked out a good system.

I do "inside" work
He does "outside" work

if he wants me to rake leaves, he has to scrub a toilet.

I do all the cleaning inside, the laundry, grocery shopping, "household" items shopping (random crap of course), and I don't mind a bit. Sometimes I b*tch at him that we have this lovely invention called a dishwasher and he should feel free to load/unload it. Sometimes he does, and I love it...but I don't really care if he doesn't do it. I'm one of those weird people who actually likes to clean. (I have particular standards...I think I would fall over laughing watching DH clean the tub.)

DH does alot though - takes care of the cars (maintenance/oil changes), the lawn, cutting down weeds/trees/etc, landscaping...and he does a really good job.

Sometimes I wish he would just go grocery shopping with me more often so I don't get the "there's nothing to eat in the house" whine...but otherwise, I think we're pretty even with what's going on.

 

[NMAmy]

DH and I had this discussion when we first moved in together. He made the comment that whoever has the lower tolerance for a mess is always the one to clean it up. He also told me that he would make a concerted effort to raise his standards if I would try to lower mine a bit. It's worked out great for us. He helps me clean on Saturdays--he does the laundry and the yardwork. I do all the cooking and errand running. He knows there is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes to my mind!

Believe me, in my first marriage I did EVERYTHING so I'm just loving this. And I can live with stuff not being done the way I like it as long as someone else is doing it!

Now if I could just get 13 yo DD to pitch in. I've learned to just close that child's door--it makes me crazy.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by Crankyshank
Yep. It's more stress on me to get DH to do anything around the house than it is just to do it myself, so I've given up.

It's pretty sad when his own mother told me the only way she could ever get him to do something is nag him and then give up and start to do it herself.

At least your MIL nagged. Mine hired a full time maid. They were the only people back then in our neighborhood that actually had a maid. MIL liked to feel affluent, not to mention she was a poor housekeeper herself. So DH grew up with this maid who was like a member of their family who constantly catered to them all and the minute a dish was used she would rush and take it to the sink or trail after them and pick up after them all.

I found out how bad it was when we first got married, and thought seriously about divorce. But then I layed some ground rules, I found out what type of things he would and could do and just capitalized on those. He likes to cook and isn't a bad cook, so he gets to be the cook most of the time. I also figured he had a better head for money so he became the one to take care of paying the bills and manage the investments and balance the checkbook. He's always liked cars, so dealing with the cars was a given. When kids came along I realized he was a great Dad who loves spending time with his boys, so he often is outside throwing a ball around or something with them while I get stuff done inside without having them under my feet. As long as he is doing something, I'm o.k. with that. I would NOT put up with a man who goes to work, comes home and puts his feet up and thats that. Especially while I worked full time. Perhaps the OP is best to hire someone to do it and take a little of the stress off her.

 

[mickeyboat]

Thank you all for showing me that this doesn't just happen with us.

When we got married, we lived in a small apartment while I finished school. When I was growing up, Saturday mornings were for cleaning so I was stumped when he wanted to hang out in the living room doing nothing all day. Turns out he didn't do a stitch of housework growing up (although he did do a lot outside). So I was told I was "anal." That was DH's excuse not to do housework.

I tried letting it pile up and refused to do laundry for a while. But it never lasted because it just made me angry.

My feeling is that we both work, when there are things to be done at the house, if we do them together, it will take that much less time and we will have more time for other things.

That worked out fine for a while. But now we are remodeling our house and we are not living there. So I clean the house where we are staying and he goes to work at the "broken house."

We'll see what happens when we move back in.

Denae

 

[SunshineSis]

We've been married for 12 years and are each responsible for certain things. He does the kitchen, I do the bathrooms. He cleans the bedroom, I do the living room and dining room. I vacuum, he changes the cat boxes. You get the picture.

We both work full time, and it would be a cold day you know where before I ended up doing all of the household chores by myself.

 

[JohnsPrincess]

My boyfriend and I live together and have for about a year. When it was just the two of us it really wasn't bad. I do Most of the household chores. Vacuuming, laundry, cleaning, etc. He does help sometimes. Especially when we do the MAJOR cleaning. He does all the Man stuff, he gets any cobwebs that are high when they appear, he mows the lawn, he does the car stuff. Now though, his 10 year old son and his 24 year old brother (who is married and a father of 2...just waiting to get his own place down here before they come) are living with us. Now, I don't have a problem with what John does, but I DO have a problem with what THEY do...which is nothing. We can make his son do stuff...which we do. But his brother...no matter how many times we ask he doesn't lift a finger. Plus he's not paying us Anything OR helping to get food... It's QUITE annoying. Sorry... slightly off topic...

 

[BC]

My husband does the outside work for the most part, but that only has to be done once a week in the summer months and none at all throughout the winter months here. He also works on the cars, but it is not often (thank goodness) that has to be done. Somehow that does not seem to equal a daily ritual of housecleaning, cooking, dishwashing, etc. I wish I could be OK with that like you are.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by BC
My husband does the outside work for the most part, but that only has to be done once a week in the summer months and none at all throughout the winter months here. He also works on the cars, but it is not often (thank goodness) that has to be done. Somehow that does not seem to equal a daily ritual of housecleaning, cooking, dishwashing, etc. I wish I could be OK with that like you are.

I'm with you on this one, BC. My ex used to use this excuse (and I even did the car stuff!), we lived in NM and had a yard of rocks--how much work was there really?

I hope I don't get flamed here but if you don't think your SO's standards are up to yours and won't let him help, then, well--this just sounds mean but I don't mean it that way--you don't really have room to complain. Plus you're playing into his master plan (bwa ha ha). Some men think if I screw it up, she'll just do it herself from now on. Actually, I work at a college and my faculty think the same thing! I'm a big believer in empowering people to do their own crap and delagating! I'll tell DH if he does something really bad, but mostly I just look the other way. Heck, someone else is doing it, what do I care? I'd rather get the stuff done and then we can all do something fun together.