Any tips on getting a kid to care about school?

[golfgal]

A thought about the mechanics of homework, here: how, exactly, is he failing to hand these things in? Is the teacher collecting them in the morning, or at each respective class period? Are they handed forward, or does the teacher go around the room?

Can the teacher literally approach him for his homework?

I don't know exactly. He is in 8th grade so I am sure it is different in each classroom. I do keep asking him what part of "turn in your assignment" he doesn't understand so I can explain it to him. He doesn't think that is funny, but I do. I also tell him that the teacher IS talking to him as well as the rest of the class when she says this and she isn't going to ask for his specifically. Quite frankly, I don't think I would even ask that of a teacher for a kid this age. He should have the mechanics of handing in homework down by now. If he was in 1st grade, yes, I would ask the teacher to be of more assistance but not at this age. It just isn't that difficult of a concept.

 

[siouxi31]

To the O.P.

Are we talking about the same kid here? My DS is also an 8th grader. Same EXACT story as yours. Tried grounding, didn't work, went to school to pick him up and make sure he had all the work, that didn't work. I checked all his grades on-line too, and it's the same story, didn't hand in assignments, even the ones that I know he did. I just don't get it. I am heartbroken over this issue. And the "no child left behind" rule is a bunch of crap. My son failed Spanish 3 years in a row, yet he is still going to 9th grade, which is High School, in my district. The teachers don't really care, and they don't stay on top of the kids like they should. My DS has tutoring 3 times a week that I pay a fortune for, but it's not making a difference as far as him staying on top of homework and such. I am so frustrated. We went to the 9th grade orientation the other day, and I just sat there thinking, how the heck is he going to make it in High School? Now I'm looking into private school for him, or switching to another district. I don't know what else to do at this point.

Holy cow. That's my son too!

What makes me most furious are 1) we are parents who care 2) no child left behind is a bunch of crap.
My son has been like this since around 2nd grade. He's a freshman in high school now and may actually flunk for the same reasons you've listed above. I really thought we were alone in this. I'm glad this thread was started.

 

[jamzots]

Maybe we should all complain to the Department of Education?? It probably wouldn't get us too far though. It just makes me wonder how many other kids are just being pushed through the "system".

 

[goofyforlife]

We're still up trying to get my 7th grade DD to finish her work....

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

[Marseeya]

Maybe we should all complain to the Department of Education?? It probably wouldn't get us too far though. It just makes me wonder how many other kids are just being pushed through the "system".

How is a child not handing in his own work being "pushed through the system"? That's a behavior issue, and not one of a teacher not caring.

These kids need to take some responsibility for themselves by high school. I, as a parent, still care, but I'm not about to hold his hand like I did when he was in first grade. As a teacher, I'll care, but I'm also going to care about my 25 other students who ARE taking responsibility for themselves. (assuming this isn't an LD issue or somesuch) If you were a teacher, wouldn't you rather spend your time helping out the students who truly want and need the help rather than the one who's blatantly disregarding the rules by leaving his homework in his locker or not taking it to school? Should we follow them to college to make sure they're going to class on time and doing all their work there too?

 

[golfgal]

How is a child not handing in his own work being "pushed through the system"? That's a behavior issue, and not one of a teacher not caring.

These kids need to take some responsibility for themselves by high school. I, as a parent, still care, but I'm not about to hold his hand like I did when he was in first grade. As a teacher, I'll care, but I'm also going to care about my 25 other students who ARE taking responsibility for themselves. (assuming this isn't an LD issue or somesuch) If you were a teacher, wouldn't you rather spend your time helping out the students who truly want and need the help rather than the one who's blatantly disregarding the rules by leaving his homework in his locker or not taking it to school? Should we follow them to college to make sure they're going to class on time and doing all their work there too?

I agree with you to a point but it sounds like you think the teacher should just ignore the less motivated students which isn't right either. There are plenty of unmotivated middle schoolers that turn out to be top high school/college students. The valedictorian of our HS class last year is a prime example, he was a slug all through elementary and middle school, barley passed each grade, just didn't do the work. He said something finally clicked in his brain about 1/2 way through 9th grade and he ended up graduating 1st in his class.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Golfgal in my post I went through the mechanics of what I did as "the punishment". You seem to think that it is all on his back, stating that you went through 8th grade already. (I understand, believe me...) But he needs YOU! I know it doesn't seem that way, but they do.
I know people keep saying that kids should be on their own by now...baloney! Some kids freak out and need help for a spell.
They are telling you they can't handle things by the way they are behaving. Take notice...

You have to adopt a new attitude for your child. My attitude was I will go to the ends of the earth and do what I needed to to find out the issues. There is more to it than grades, trust me. (emotional, needed to talk, and how to organize) Heck it is time to grow up.

I did not include in my OP that we went to colleges, looked up majors, figured out High School classses, costs, etc....
Looked in the newspapers to see starting jobs, etc, etc, etc...
Make going to school REAL! Kids are scared and you need to be strong and realize that.

Get in there and help, do not withdrawal is my point. ESP if this is a "new thing"...pinpoint what happened when he started going downhill. There is a story there!

 

[N.Bailey]

I didn't read all the replies here, but something that is working in our family (my kids have never hated school though) is when it's time to get that driver's license, having a B or above average really reduces the cost of insurance. You can tell you son you'll get his license at 16 IF his grades are a B or higher. I don't know about in your family, but that's all my son seems to be living for. He's 15 and in 8th grade though (held back 1st year of kindergarten).

 

[Marseeya]

I agree with you to a point but it sounds like you think the teacher should just ignore the less motivated students which isn't right either. There are plenty of unmotivated middle schoolers that turn out to be top high school/college students. The valedictorian of our HS class last year is a prime example, he was a slug all through elementary and middle school, barley passed each grade, just didn't do the work. He said something finally clicked in his brain about 1/2 way through 9th grade and he ended up graduating 1st in his class.

Oh no, I'm definitely not saying the teachers should ignore the problem, but it shouldn't take up all their time and energy when they have students far more willing to work and at least put forth effort. My son's teachers have made all kinds of efforts towards him -- asking to check his notebook, calling me, having conferences with me, pulling his work out of the trash (yeah, nice, huh?), offering tutoring services for him, and offering to let him make up some of the work just to get him a better grade (how fair is that to the other students who turned in their work on time?).

What more should I expect from them? When I'm a teacher, what more should a parent expect from ME? You can only hold a kid's hand for so long, and I'm not about to blame the teachers or the school system for this problem.

But take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. You and I are probably in two entirely different situations with our kids.

 

[golfgal]

Golfgal in my post I went through the mechanics of what I did as "the punishment". You seem to think that it is all on his back, stating that you went through 8th grade already. (I understand, believe me...) But he needs YOU! I know it doesn't seem that way, but they do.
I know people keep saying that kids should be on their own by now...baloney! Some kids freak out and need help for a spell.
They are telling you they can't handle things by the way they are behaving. Take notice...

You have to adopt a new attitude for your child. My attitude was I will go to the ends of the earth and do what I needed to to find out the issues. There is more to it than grades, trust me. (emotional, needed to talk, and how to organize) Heck it is time to grow up.

I did not include in my OP that we went to colleges, looked up majors, figured out High School classses, costs, etc....
Looked in the newspapers to see starting jobs, etc, etc, etc...
Make going to school REAL! Kids are scared and you need to be strong and realize that.

Get in there and help, do not withdrawal is my point. ESP if this is a "new thing"...pinpoint what happened when he started going downhill. There is a story there!

Believe me we have been there done that. We have tried EVERYTHING with this kid, nothing works. Unfortunately, it IS on his shoulders now because the only thing missing in this puzzle is his effort to get things done. I am in regular contact with his teachers, they post assignments on the web, we have online grade books that we check daily, we go to all the parent-teacher conferences, we provide an opportunity to for him to get his work done, we are available to answer any question, help with anything he doesn't understand. His dad is a math WHIZ so we are lucky there. I can help with everything else (I do have a secondary education degree and was a teacher before he was born). We are doing everything that we should do for him. I WON'T do it for him however. Again, this is NOT new. This is the story of his life since before he was born (36 hour labor with this one and he STILL didn't want to come out-stubborn, stubborn, stubborn).

We have gone from sitting next to him to make sure he was getting everything done to being in the same room while he was working, to now we are just in the house somewhere. We had his teachers sign a daily assignment notebook to make sure he wrote down his assignments, they checked his backpack to make sure he had everything he needed, etc. Now he is pretty good about bringing home what he needs and knowing what his assignments are, it is just the fact that he doesn't turn them in or chooses not to do certain assignments.

With about 5 minutes of extra effort each night, he could have straight A's. All we are asking is a "B" average. We just want him to show a little pride in his work and put forth some effort. We are not asking him to win a Nobel Prize!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What have you done as far as high school and college? Have you sat down and talked about the SAT's?
What campuses have you been to?

You have to go further with some kids. My dd is a PITB and we had to have her "see" why they needed to do well.

Also it can be fear of failure...so he hurts himself (gradewise) on purpose.
Or holding back on growing up....Make sense?
Force him to look beyond 8th grade.

 

[Lynn CC]

I would try a different approach...the power of positive thinking LOL

Just try to become really involved and interested in everything he is doing in school and PRAISE him for it when he achieves! It really does work. I've seen middle school students take a complete 360 with their studies. The more people you get interested in him, the better it works.
It does take a lot of effort, but if you think about it doesn't everyone like to have attention paid to them, especially if it's positive attention!
If you need more pointers you can pm me, I have a lot of experience with it.

 

[jonestavern]

I subscribed!
yikes, the lack of motivation is mind boggling!
DS16 started noticing that the 'cool' kids aren't 'smart' when he was in 6th grade, we switched schools midway through & it was downhill from there. He'd always been a slower (if not slowest) worker ( Years as helping Mom let me get a clear idea of his in school work habits), none too tidy but cheerful & loved reading. Decent to great social skills & very good grades--
He did easlily pass, at age 13, the verbal/comprehension area of the SAT without any preparation! Our school only offered prep classes for High school or math students--we didn't even know he was eligible until about 2 weeks before.
We sent him, at great expense, to the Johns Hopkins CTY programs in the summers--Philosophy, Logic & Civil War Reconstruction--classes even on Sundays--he did very well & loved it.
still, in public school--huh? no bribe, punishment, hand holding has worked. teachers conferences up the wazoo to no avail. His history teachers think he's a whiz--he got 'A's in classes designed for seniors when he was in 9th & 10th--, but that is the only subject he cares 2 figs about. and we still have to ride his tushie for history homework
he's been on 'electrical' restriction--no video or comp games, no tv, no CD player, no hand helds & I am talking months here--no problem! he reads & reads well above his level--
Driver's licence? it's ok, but oh, well. Pay for yr own insurance--he can live with it
I get the same, "you only care about grades", stop pushing me, (fill in name/s____is failing/doing poorly too" blah blah blah
DS16--17 next week--is now being homeschooled, I have to structure him & keep an eye out every minute. In fact I've got to get off here & see what he's (not) up to--
as for school--MS & HS, we have been told by many other parents that for the teachers to 'keep on him' we have to get him tested & get an IEP. Well, that's been 'in the works' since winter 2005 & we are 'on the list' & that is because I had his neurologist write a letter(as a side--his guidence counselor--who was head of that dept--, head of math dept quit last year & they were the ones arranging for testing, also Principal & VP left)
really don't think he'll make it thru college, how can you with all the fun & no work ethic? (well, he does seem conscientious re: his job) We told him we'll pay for the 1st year & if he flops, he has to figure it out on his own
we are checking in to Sylvan--
I am at my wit's end--

Jean

 

[DISNEYFANRI]

NO words of advice here - just empathy.....I too have a 17 yr old who hates school - always has - thinks it's boring...doesn't hand in assignments - I never see him do homework.....not involved in any activities - no motivation.... was diagnosed ADD about 4 yrs ago - for me that at least explained some things - now new counselor says he's not ADD and is doing IQ testing.

DS says he has plans for college - DD is a college freshman so he is fully aware of what the requirements are.....I sometimes think he just doesn't get it. Very very frustrating at times......

 

[Bashful2]

Sorry you all are going through this. We went through the same thing with DD16. It started in elementary school as soon as she started getting homework. Then, I would have to push her every minute to get her homework done. What should have taken her no more than 30 minutes would end up taking a couple of hours because she would get sidetracked constantly. I kept hearing that it was her maturity and she would get better. Well, she never did.

By 6th grade, she was not only having trouble completing her work, she was also not turning it in. 7th grade was even worse. We tried everything. We met with her teachers and they started checking her homework notebook everyday to make sure she wrote her assignment down. We punished her. We also offered rewards. Nothing worked.

We ended up taking her out of school and my best friend homeschooled her for a year. She did wonderful. By the time she went back to regular school towards the end of 8th grade, she was well ahead of her class.

High School was terrible. Of course, she also has problems with depression & ADHD (found that out in 7th grade) and she's bipolar (found that out in 9th grade). She went to high school for over 2 years and still wasn't going to be out of 9th grade. However, she was smart enough that she passed Honors English and Honors World History in 8th grade, each with a B. This was in spite of the fact that she missed many days due to hospitalization and illness.

Finally, at the end of last school year, we had all had enough. It just wasn't going to work. Her psychiatrist and school counselor, who was wonderful, agreed. We let her drop out and she's now going to get her GED. What a difference. She's happy, we're happy, and she's doing what she needs to do. Afterwards, she's going to the community college for 2 years and then plans on continuing her education to be a psychologist to work with teens and adolescents.

I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone. My point is that I was almost to the point of a nervous breakdown between school and her other problems. At one time, I was afraid she would never be able to do anything in life. Thankfully, it's all working out now. I still worry about her, but it's because of normal things and I feel like such a weight has been lifted.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just a {{{HUGS}}} to all of us...

I just wanted to add I have a 9yodd, straight A, Miss Perfect school kid...YEA!!!, right?
Cannot for the life of her match up clothes to get dressed & painfully slow...

And people wonder why we love to escape to Disney, fantasy, etc...

 

[disneymac]

just have to subscribe to get ideas...

DS is only in 2nd grade and we're already going through this - does his homework every night - even if I have to sit with him for an hour - and he's smart enough that it could be done in under 10 minutes. Then he doesn't even hand it in in the morning! AGGHHH!!!

Sorry you all are going through this, but I'm glad to learn I'm not alone....

 

[Lil_Tink]

It amazes me how some my of my friends can be failing the 8th grade when we only have about 30min homework and night. And we have block schedule.



Maybe for a day follow him around everywhere...Boy would that make some kids at my school change..Sit with him in the classes, make sure that he turns in the assignments ext...That should solve it..

 

[Puffy2]

Know anyone with a business that does dirty work? Send him out to do manual labor for a week and then see how he feels about school.

Or, do it yourself at home - get his rear up out of bed at 5am, dress him in coveralls - have him dig yourself a garden for 8 - 10 hours for five days straight. What ever work he does it should be physical and grunt work.


This would be my husband's solution as he said that until he realized he was going nowhere fast, he didn't understand the importance of school.

 

[Puffy2]

Or ...feed him oatmeal and bread every night for dinner

"Until you try harder at school...I'm not trying harder at home".