Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[2binak]

Also, when a family has a person staying at home, that person can spend more time shopping wisely to reduce common expenses. Grocery bills for families with a stay at home parent can be cut in half if that parent plans wisely and uses sales/coupons. In my house, that amounts to over $400/month in savings. That, by itself, is almost enough to justify a parent staying home.

It doesn't take a SAHM or SAHD to successfully cut coupons, shop sales & save lots of money. DH and I both work full time and yet, we do this every week. We're actually really proud of the money we save on each shopping trip by using coups and shopping sales. It can be done and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to plan.

 

[MrsPete]

Looking at it purely from a financial perspective:

Let's say that the second earner makes $15k/year (like the OP). The primary earner has a good income. Of that $15k, at least $5k goes to taxes. So, now you are working for $10k.

Now, add on the cost of child care - say you have a great deal and only pay $100/wk. With 2 weeks vacation, that costs another $5k. So, now you are down to working for $5k/yr.

Well, you have the additional fuel costs and food costs because both earners are traveling and eating at work every day. Even if you pack lunches, this cost goes up. If you buy lunch at a deli or fast food joint every day, forget it. Add in additional costs for the entire family to eat out more often because both earners are tired, add additional wear and tear on vehicles leading to increased repair and maintenance expenses. It doesn't take much to turn that $15k income into a financial liability for the family.

This is not some made up scenario. This plays out in millions of homes every day. Too many people think that their second income is essential because they continue to struggle financially even with that income. The reality, if you take a closer look at your expenses, many times the costs incurred as a result of the second job are higher than the income. Many families continue to struggle because of the second job, not in spite of it.

Also, when a family has a person staying at home, that person can spend more time shopping wisely to reduce common expenses. Grocery bills for families with a stay at home parent can be cut in half if that parent plans wisely and uses sales/coupons. In my house, that amounts to over $400/month in savings. That, by itself, is almost enough to justify a parent staying home. Of course, some stay at home parents spend in their boredom, which has the opposite effect.

Net - many families are actually better off financially when the secondary earner quits. If the OP wants to run the numbers for her family, it isn't difficult.

No, although this is the type of thing that the parenting magazines publish, I can shoot this hypothetical situation full of holes:

Unless the primary earner makes a very, very large salary, bumping them into a high tax bracket, the second earner isn't paying 1/3 of his salary in taxes. I'm earning a mid-40s salary, and a quick glance at my last paycheck shows that between federal, state, and social security I'm paying around 20%. Someone earning less than half my wage certainly wouldn't pay more; in fact, a person who's earning this little will probably pay nothing and may -- considering that there are children in this scenerio -- even qualify for earned income credit so that they get back money they never paid into taxes (and that can be as much as $5000).

If the primary earner does earn a large salary, the second earner probably isn't willing to work for 15K/year.

I'm completely out of the day care world and don't know what's realistic any more, but I can't imagine anyone would be dumb enough to shell over 1/3 of his or her paycheck for day care. A person who's working for 15K/year is working for close to minimum wage and -- unless there's a high wage earner in the picture -- probably qualifies for some sort of free or discounted child care, especially if there are multiple children in this family.

Also, the day care cost is only a factor if the children are young (which is always the case in those "Can you afford to work"? articles). My kids are teens, and this expense is gone for me.

I agree that going to work costs something: gas, car, lunch . . . but there's another side to that coin: Staying home costs something too. Most families will not give up their second car, even if the second earner quits her job. So the car is still an expense. I live about 1.5 miles from my job; my commuting expenses are small; someone else's are certainly larger.

The second earner is still eating lunch -- most likely sometimes at home for cheap, sometimes out with friends. But lunch cost is lunch cost no matter where you eat it. If you're looking at total costs, you have to be fair on both sides of the equation.

Changing the lunch subject slightly -- if the children are old enough to go to school, the extra income might mean that the children are no longer eligible for free lunch. But I prefer to provide for my kids myself; that's not a financial issue but a matter of pride.

You could say the same thing about clothing, hair cuts, etc. Whether you're working or staying home, you still need those things. And, honestly, I can buy work clothes from consignment stores or ebay, but a good pair of used jeans is hard to find. I spend more on my at-home clothes than I do my work clothes.

I do agree that a stay-at-home parent who makes an effort to spend less on groceries can absolutely do so. But do most people do these this? I don't think so. I think most people just buy food without much thought.

Now, let's consider what else this 15K wage earner is bringing into the house -- things beyond the paycheck:

At minimum, this worker is building up quarters towards social security. Since realistically at 15K we're probably talking about an adult earning minimum wage, social security may well be the only retirement plan that this worker has. This person needs to build up his or her 40 quarters.

Hopefully this person is earning some type of retirement from his employer (though at minimum wage, this is likely a transient type job that will be replaced many times over the years). If the employer is paying anything into a 401K or a retirement fund on the worker's behalf, then this worker needs it badly.

This worker probably has health insurance and life insurance benefits from his job, and at minimum wage that's very important.

Finally, I assume that an adult working for minimum wage isn't going to STAY at this salary. By putting in his years and gaining experience, hopefully his salary's increasing and he's going to move up the salary scale to earn more. He won't build his skills and his work-worth by staying home.

In closing, I don't disagree that working costs something, but I am sure that your numbers are skewed high to prove the point you want to prove. Certainly some families are in this situation -- probably unknowingly -- but I cannot believe it's large numbers of people.

 

[emma'smom]

Completely agree....why can anyone do this? It just makes good sense. Look through the circulars, clip the coupons, and shop for groceries on Sunday afternoon.

It doesn't take a SAHM or SAHD to successfully cut coupons, shop sales & save lots of money. DH and I both work full time and yet, we do this every week. We're actually really proud of the money we save on each shopping trip by using coups and shopping sales. It can be done and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to plan.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...In closing, I don't disagree that working costs something, but I am sure that your numbers are skewed high to prove the point you want to prove. Certainly some families are in this situation -- probably unknowingly -- but I cannot believe it's large numbers of people.

They had their bias, you have yours, I have mine. That is why I said the OP should run the numbers.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

My only issue is if Mrs. Brady was a SAHM, why was Alice there?? Couldn't CArol Brady handle those 6 kids herself?? What did Mrs. Brady DO all day???

 

[disykat]

Boy it didn't take long for this to degenerate.

 

[npmommie]

My only issue is if Mrs. Brady was a SAHM, why was Alice there?? Couldn't CArol Brady handle those 6 kids herself?? What did Mrs. Brady DO all day???

Didn't she hang out with Phineas and Ferb's mom?

 

[npmommie]

OP to be serious.
I think you got some great advice. It's all about balance, and if you really want to keep your job......... finding that balance, but if you don't want to work and don't have to then I say quit.

I think whatever works for a family is what is right. Find the balance that works for your family

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

sorry folks-- I was just trying to lighten the mood

 

[npmommie]

sorry folks-- I was just trying to lighten the mood

I thought it was funny

 

[disykat]

sorry folks-- I was just trying to lighten the mood

I wasn't responding to your post, I was talking about how it has turned into Working Moms trying to "defend themselves" and putting down the SAHM decision.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I wanted to add that we ran the numbers before my wife recently took a part time job. It turns out to be a little bit better than break even proposition for us - we clear about $4k/yr after everything is taken into consideration. But we had already decided that, as long as it wasn't going to hurt us, she would take the job. She just needed to get out. Sometimes it is about a lot more than money - and that $4k pays for a vacation each year...

 

[themilesfamily]

Thanks for all the replies and different opionions on the matter. I think through reading all your responses I have come to realize that I don't like working outside of my home. I have always been very domestic. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and even grocery shopping were all things that brought me joy and now I give all I can to my job so those things (and even my DH and kids at times) have become tiresome chores. I am tired of my family just being something else on my to do list! I was an excellent SAHM. I cooked, cleaned, ironed, volunteered at school and church all the time. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to work I'm just not meant to do a job that receives income.

I WANT to stay at home but I also want to do what's best for my family and I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is.

OP, it sounds like you know what you want!! I say go for it, if at all financially possible. As I've said before, life is so short -- I think you just need to pursue what brings you joy. And SAHM's play an important role in society -- especially great ones who are good at what they do. People like you are needed!!!

Prior to being a SAHM, I held "important" jobs in my life -- but being at home with my daughter and making a great home for my family has brought me the most joy and I feel more important now than I ever did at any office.

So GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

 

[MrsPete]

They had their bias, you have yours, I have mine. That is why I said the OP should run the numbers.

I agree completely -- and my point was that we shouldn't take for granted that a magazine article will provide sound factual information that'll be true for our lives.

My only issue is if Mrs. Brady was a SAHM, why was Alice there?? Couldn't CArol Brady handle those 6 kids herself?? What did Mrs. Brady DO all day???

Two reasons:

1. Mr. Brady had employed Alice to take care of his three boys before he married Mrs. Brady, and he was too kind to kick her out.

2. Cause it was fiction, and Alice's presence added an additional wrinkle to the storyline.

 

[MrsPete]

I wasn't responding to your post, I was talking about how it has turned into Working Moms trying to "defend themselves" and putting down the SAHM decision.

Really? I thought it was a pretty tame discussion about the important details to consider, and I thought the most commonly wrap-up phrase was something along the lines of "your mileage may vary, but you should consider all the options carefully".

 

[PatsMom]

I've been a working mother and I don't feel that I've shortchanged my family at all. I grew up with a mother who worked outside the home out of financial necessity. I think I learned some very important things from her. Things like it is more important to be at you child's athletic event than to iron their clothes. Better to spend a weekend camping with your kids than to spring clean the house. That it won't kill your kids to start dinner if you have to work late. That a 14 year old is old enough to be cooking dinner, not waiting to be served dinner.

I took about a year off when DD was born, mostly due to my husband's job situation (temporary re-location). I can't say I regret staying home that year but I was more than ready to return to work when we moved home. Being a working mother meant that we juggled some schedules. Took turns calling in to work when she was sick. Managed to get to some field trips and learned to live with the fact we weren't the "perfect parents" who attended every single event. But having two parents working at a nuclear power plant wasn't working out very well because of required overtime when the plant was shut down. So since my husband earned a lot more than me, I changed careers when she was three.

We still juggled. But my job made it possible to save enough money so that when DH was offered early retirement, he was able to take it. That made him the SAHD during her high school years! And even though I worked, I attended every weekend track meet, I was the only parent from her high school that went to many of the away volleyball games. I didn't go on high school field trips, except to France and Canada. And those trips were because I wanted to go!

I get tired and stressed sometimes but overall I feel I have a good balance of work and home. We were also able to save for college so my daughter is now at school and will hopefully graduate free of debt.

By the way, part of those savings came from couponing, shopping the sales, etc. Somehow I managed to fit it into my busy schedule!

 

[Kitzka]

This is a very interesting thread and i think the one thing that is clear is that everything works just a little bit differently for everyone.

OP_maybe you need to see what is stressing you out? Is it the job? Could you find something more part time so you can have some flexibility for school trips, school shows etc?

I was a SAHM with DD for about a year and i HATED it. For me the isolation was the worst. I then worked aprt time for 2 years and things were better but still hated parts of it. i was snappy and not a fun mom at all. I went back to work full time when DD was almost 3 and things were so much better.

there were some guilt pangs when DD hit school but DD has never wanted me to go on trips and such. she has more fun without me on these things.

I ahve been the girl scout leader and attend nearly every school show, dance recital practice etc. I tend to cook every other evening and we eat left overs the other nights but for me it was all about planning. i spend most of my commute planning when will i cook and what.

i should add that i don't like house work. DH loves it and does 99% of the house work. i do all the grocery shopping, cooking, make drs appts, pay the bills.

DH does the dishes (well, we share this one), takes out the garbage, mows the lawn, laundry and helps when needed.

DD puts away the laundry, makes the beds and keeps her stuff picked up.

we do ahve a cleaning person come every other week for the heavy duty stuff. but for me it's worth it.

it will take some doing but you will be able to find a balance. good luck

Lara

 

[Tinkermommy]

OK, throwing my 2 cents in.

I am a full-time working mom of 2 (8 & 3) children. I do work out of my home but have to travel a bit (sometimes out of the country).

I do not feel guilty. Sometimes I miss things (school events, etc) but I do try to be there as much as I can. And I try to be present with my husband and kids when I am with them. Now, my home is not always neat, we eat a lot of crock pot dinners and I certainly don't iron, but that's not something that stresses me out or makes me feel guilty.

My income is only about 10% less than my hubby's and we both earn a good salary. We do take vacations, have a nice home in a good area with excellent schools. We would have to drastically change our lifestyle if I weren't working and I am not sure that we would be any happier. I know I wouldn't be. I love my job. I also love that I have the experience and skills to sustain me and my family if things go through rough patches. And as others brought up, I do want to retire comfortably someday.

OP, it sounds like you don't really like your job and miss being home. If your life's not working, change it so it does. You live an a country where there are unlimited opportunities for you. Find what works for you and your family. Honestly, I think the reason you feel guilt is that your not content with your lifestyle as it is and if momma ain't happy . . .

My mother never worked outside the home. When my sister and I came home she would have homemade hot cocoa and cookies waiting for us. It was great and I really appreciate her for it. That's not how my life is though . . . but my daughter loves when we go out for Starbucks hot cocoa!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I agree completely -- and my point was that we shouldn't take for granted that a magazine article will provide sound factual information that'll be true for our lives.Two reasons:

1. Mr. Brady had employed Alice to take care of his three boys before he married Mrs. Brady, and he was too kind to kick her out.

2. Cause it was fiction, and Alice's presence added an additional wrinkle to the storyline.

ooooooooooohhhhhhhh....gotcha

 

[jamimb]

I grew up in a household where my mom chose not to work. It put us in a lot of financial harm in the long run. I personally ended up paying for it when my parents got older and ran out of cash to support themselves. And when I was a kid, the bank took money out of MY savings account (allowances, gifts, babysitting money) to cover my parents deficits.

It gets old having to do without constantly when you are a kid. Decent school clothes, going out to eat, vacations....they add an awful lot to life.

I know what your saying. I grew up in the foothills of WV. My father was a coal miner and we were very poor. Like something you would see on "Dateline" poor. The last two years of my mom's life (she died in a car accident at age 34) she worked full time and although we had a little more money I hated coming home to an empty house. I was much happier when I came home to her and the house was clean and she was cooking dinner in stead of maybe me having to start dinner or her bringing home a pizza or somehthing. It wasnt about me being lazy or anything. Heck I was a better housekeeper than her. I just loved her always being there!