Anxiety when spending money

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am wondering if I am the only one? Whenever we are about to spend a large amount of money I have terrible anxiety. In the beginning of our marriage we lived a bit beyond our means, but in the past 12 or more years I have really changed and now I pride myself on being frugal. But now it's almost like it's gone too far. Even when we need something I get very nervouse about putting out the money. When we bought our last car (6 years ago) I actually was in tears and shaking when we were signing the papers. I got over it, we bought the van and I was OK but at first it freaks me out.

Today DH and I bought a new mattress. Ours is so bad we have not slept in it for about 3 months. I've been sleeping on the couch and DH has been sleeping in the recliner. It has not been the best night sleep but better then our bed that was so bad we would literally wake up and not be able to move our backs were so bad. Neither one of us was happy and we have missed cuddling at night, but I just could not committ to buying a new one. (I tried buying a foam topper and a pillowtop cover, neither or both made a difference they were so bad.) Finally today he said we were going and buying a new one. We did but even once we found one and got a discount and free delivery because as it turned out the owner of the place is good friends with DH's boss (both small buisness owners, looking out for each other kind of thing,) I had to sit and take deep breaths for a while beefore I could let DH pay. In fact I sat till they were closing and he kind of said he was buying because he knew I'd be OK with it.

Am I crazy? I know a good mattress is really a necessity. I know we can't have a good day when we are always tired. But I just hate not having that $1000 in our bank account now just in case.

After he took me shopping for a new fridge. I found one but couldn't do it. Just couldn't. I think we are going to go tomorrow to look at refurbished ones, MAYBE that I can do. But we'll see. I may need to seperate the 2 out a little more.

So, tell me---am I nuts??? I know in all the marriges of our friends we are so opposite, the wives want to shop, but for us my husband almost need to force me to get even the basics.

 

[richmond282]

I understand to an extent. I'm soooo used to buying things with coupons and things on sale, that when I have to pay full price for something or buy something expensive (even on sale) I have to really convince myself to spend the money.

However, I tell myself that we save a lot of my by buying sale items and using coupons that it's OK to spend more on something every once in while. I look at it as I saved money on these hundreds of things that its really is OK to spend more on that one thing.

Besides isn't it worth $1000 to be able to cuddle with your DH in your own bed? Don't look at is as a new matress, look at it as an investment in your marriage.

 

[amyy]

I suppose when it is something that gets in the way of everyday life it might be a bit much. I can't imagine sleeping on the couch for 3 months. I would think maybe a bit of therapy could help. Especially if you are in tears, shaking etc. I guess I would be really concerned if it becomes something that could be "harmful". My mother's door knob broke and she was propping chairs under it a night because she wouldn't buy a new knob, her microwave plate broke so food wasn't rotating and I was worried she would catch a bag of popcorn or something on fire etc.

On the other hand we were suppose to go to New York last Thanksgiving. My DBF was laid off and his mom was willing to pay for the gas and we would stay with her. I had such anxiety about stoping for snacks on the way, what if the vehicle breaks etc that we cancelled. I felt so bad because I know he and his mom were disappointed. We slept on a horrible mattress for several months and when I think about the couch we use to sit on.... I can't even think about when I am going to have to purchase a new car as I haven't had a car payment in years. I get a bit worked up over these things but I am able to manage.

At least you manage to fit in a Disney vacation every now and then

Take care

 

[Reagan&Co.]

Having anxiety means we do not feel safe in a situation. That's what all that adrenalin, shaking, heart racing, etc. that your body does...it's the same as if someone were about to attck you. You would run away, your heart would race, etc. because it was not a safe situation.

Some things you may want to think about:
Often people get anxiety when they do not have control over a situation. They feel they have no power. Do you think, at the next time for a large purchase, if YOU could decide when to go make the purchase? If you and your husband talk and decide to buy a sofa, maybe he could give you a timeline to get used to the idea? Then you can look at the finances, weigh the importance, write the reason to buy down on paper, decide that the right thing to do is to actually BUY it (it sounds like you REALLY needed the new mattress!)

Think about the worst thing that could happen if you spent that money. Would you lose your house? Or would you just have a lower savings account for a few weeks?
It sounds like your financial situation just isn't feeling safe for you. Take some steps to feel better about it! But if you are having anxiety over other stuff, too, it may be a chemical imbalance. There are a lot of new meds out there that may really help.
Good luck! (I have been there, too!)

 

[mommyintn]

I am completely with you, the only thing it doesn't bother me to spend money on is our vacations (not that we go all the time). I get extremely nervous spending money even on groceries. We've had some hard times in the past financially and it does not leave me, I feel like the people who went through the depression who would never spend money even when they had it. I know it's mental, but it's me. My dh is the EXACT opposite of me, which is good because he gets things taken care but it drives me crazy sometimes. I know exactly what you mean by spreading it out, the spending done with time in between makes me feel much better although it makes no difference financially.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Besides isn't it worth $1000 to be able to cuddle with your DH in your own bed? Don't look at is as a new matress, look at it as an investment in your marriage.

Funny, that is exactly what my DH said. We have a great marriage and cuddle all the time but you are right, we have missed it terribly. It started because DH had a medical condition and the doctor recomended sleeping in a recliner till he got better and I wanted to be near him so went to the couch, but despite wanting to sleep together, we were sleeping better and when we would try to go back on our mattress it was literally painful so it just sort of happened. But YES!!! I would pay much more then $1000 to lay in his arms at night, and that is the biggest reason I even went to get one today. I miss that so much and can't wait till Friday (when it comes in) to cuddle him again.

I suppose when it is something that gets in the way of everyday life it might be a bit much. I can't imagine sleeping on the couch for 3 months. I would think maybe a bit of therapy could help. Especially if you are in tears, shaking etc. I guess I would be really concerned if it becomes something that could be "harmful". My mother's door knob broke and she was propping chairs under it a night because she wouldn't buy a new knob, her microwave plate broke so food wasn't rotating and I was worried she would catch a bag of popcorn or something on fire etc.


At least you manage to fit in a Disney vacation every now and then

Take care

I think the car was so exceptionally bad because DH had just gotten his car 6 months before and then my van was totaled so we had 2 car payments. I knew financially we could do it, but it was still a scary thought. Thankfully they are both paid off now but that was very difficult to commit to.
Paying to go to Disney has never bothered me. We go on a budget, always drive, always stay values, share meals etc, but we have a great time and it is always money very well spent. Maybe because we pay it a little at a time or something but it has never bothered me.

Think about the worst thing that could happen if you spent that money. Would you lose your house? Or would you just have a lower savings account for a few weeks?
It sounds like your financial situation just isn't feeling safe for you. Take some steps to feel better about it! But if you are having anxiety over other stuff, too, it may be a chemical imbalance. There are a lot of new meds out there that may really help.
Good luck! (I have been there, too!)

Nope, not loosing our house, just not having it in the bank as a just in case, though some would say this is the just in case and that is what I have to get over. Money is my only anxiety issue, and I assume it's because we live on one income, and although DH's job is very steady, in today's economy you have to wonder if there really is a steady income, you know?

I am completely with you, the only thing it doesn't bother me to spend money on is our vacations (not that we go all the time). I get extremely nervous spending money even on groceries. We've had some hard times in the past financially and it does not leave me, I feel like the people who went through the depression who would never spend money even when they had it. I know it's mental, but it's me. My dh is the EXACT opposite of me, which is good because he gets things taken care but it drives me crazy sometimes. I know exactly what you mean by spreading it out, the spending done with time in between makes me feel much better although it makes no difference financially.

Thankfully things like groceries don't bother me. It's just when you see $1000 all at once come out of your account when you have saved so hard to get it there, I don't know, it's just hard to spend in seconds what it took you so long to save.
Maybe because we too have ahd a few of those tough times, I don't want to get to a place where we worry about that again. I am such a smarter consumer now though and I need to remind myself of that.


Thankfully now I am feeling really good about it. So many nights we go in to cuddle and whatever and then we come back out and I can't wait to be able to fall asleep, in my own room, with my hubby again. Actually, I am better then OK I am feeling excited... till we to buy a new fridge.

 

[cpdrn7]

I am glad that I am not alone with the same anxiety. Last year, I helped my son get a car and loan, and that was worse than when I have had to buy a car for myself.
About ten years ago, we decided to refinance our home and replace the siding and windows and at the closing, I had a panic attack. I was the one who started the whole process and our payment did not change more than $100 a month but that did not help my nerves.
As I get older, I just know that I will have these issues and I will get past them too. I had to purchase a stove this year, and it was all the same. I researched online to help ease my nerves but boy turning over the cash was hard.
I guess we should look at it as a blessing,,,,that we are not out tossing out cash and money we do not have! Every person has their unique thing and this one is shared with a few others!! You are not alone!!

 

[wdwfan16]

When you have anxiety over buying something you need and have the money for is taking it too far. If we need it we buy it. Sleeping for 3 months on a sofa instead of buying a mattress is going way overboard.

If I was you DH I would have just bought it without you rather than wait for 3 months.

 

[tinlizzy]

I am also frugal and spending money is somewhat painful.

I wanted to reply regarding your refrigerator purchase. I recently replaced my 20 yr old refrigerator (it was working just fine but running quite a bit). My electric bill dropped $30/month after getting the new fridge!

Don't buy a refurb fridge - spend the money and get an energy efficient one - it will pay for itself! Look for the cash for appliance rebate in your state and also for local utility rebates.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

I can be like this too (sometimes). It really depends on the item and how "big" it is and how long I've thought about it, researched it, shopped around, etc. Whenever possible, we save the $ for the item first, buy it on some 0% finance plan, and then try to pay for it out of our normal budget. This way I don't feel like I'm spending savings or taking on debt! Yes, I realize that I am still spending $, but it's weird how it relieves some of the anxiety for me. I have a very difficult time pulling $ out of the bank for anything.

I remember buying a car one time and the salesman asked me if I was OK. He thought I was going to pass out or something. I was making him very nervous! My husband had picked the car and made the deal and we were young and financing most of it. THis car we bought just a few months ago, I picked the car, I made the deal (and thought it was a REALLY good one), and we did the 0% finance thing. I was irritated at the long time spent at the dealership and a little nervous, but it was not too bad.

For me, I think I am unsure of how much is "enough" for our emergency fund and always feel like we need more because we have been through lay-offs , etc before. I haven't found that magic number that makes me feel comfortable and secure. Maybe I never will. I do tend to be an anxious / worried person in general so I'm not saying this is normal, just that I understand.

Enjoy your mattress and try not to worry about it the fridge too much. If you need it, just get the best deal you can and try to feel good about it!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

When you have anxiety over buying something you need and have the money for is taking it too far. If we need it we buy it. Sleeping for 3 months on a sofa instead of buying a mattress is going way overboard.

If I was you DH I would have just bought it without you rather than wait for 3 months.

Well, like I said earlier, it started because of a medical condition of his. He had blood pooling in his leg that got infected. The infection is clearned up but the blood pooling is not so he will be having surgery next month. Half of when we were not in our bed was because of that, the doctor felt he'd do better with it raised and recomended a recliner, plus if I were to kick his leg it would have been very painful. I mean, the mattress was miserable, but it was not the reason we left our room, it was his leg. That was about 6 weeks before the doctor said he was OK to go back in bed. We have only gone another 4-6 weeks (and I was out of town for one of those) for me to research (which helps me) and finally commit to one.

We have never made major purchases without the other one feeling good about it much less not knowing about it.

 

[momof1princess]

i know exactly how you feel, OP. we had to replace our heat pump 2 weeks ago, our old one was 10 years old and just up and died and we were in the middle of a horrible cold/rain/snow snap, so we really had no choice. it was so hard to part with all that money, even though we knew we had to do it.

 

[deerhart]

I can totally understand, I hate spending large sums of money, but I know I usually have to. In the past week I have paid 85% of our disney vacation in one payment, got a dyson animal vacuum cleaner, renewed one kid for TKD, signed the other up for soccer, still have to sign both up for baseball, AND had to put down the summer camp deposit of over $600.00. And lets not even talk about the electric bill

It's like a revolving account some times of the month!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I can totally understand, I hate spending large sums of money, but I know I usually have to. In the past week I have paid 85% of our disney vacation in one payment, got a dyson animal vacuum cleaner, renewed one kid for TKD, signed the other up for soccer, still have to sign both up for baseball, AND had to put down the summer camp deposit of over $600.00. And lets not even talk about the electric bill

It's like a revolving account some times of the month!

Allow me to put your mind at ease a little, we got a Dyson about 6 years ago (yes, it killed me .) It is the best, well worth the money!!!

And, I hear ya, we have to pay for softball for DD8 this week, as well as pay for DD8 and DD10's dance recital costumes.

 

[deerhart]

Allow me to put your mind at ease a little, we got a Dyson about 6 years ago (yes, it killed me .) It is the best, well worth the money!!!

And, I hear ya, we have to pay for softball for DD8 this week, as well as pay for DD8 and DD10's dance recital costumes.

Oh I got a great deal on it. I was looking in the store at Best Buy for them and it was still $550, so the next day I am browsing online at best buy and its $439 + get for free the allergy attachments. So I order it, use my reward card (so getting $10 in gift certificates from purchase) and bought through the upromise link so will get about $10 to the kids 529

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Oh I got a great deal on it. I was looking in the store at Best Buy for them and it was still $550, so the next day I am browsing online at best buy and its $439 + get for free the allergy attachments. So I order it, use my reward card (so getting $10 in gift certificates from purchase) and bought through the upromise link so will get about $10 to the kids 529

Very nice! We bought ours when they were still pretty new and paid $500. I thought that was awful but was blowing through $100 ones every 6 months or so. DH said if it lasted more then 2.5 years then we'd be fine and it's been 6 so we made a good investment. When it needsd to be replaced I think I will handle that fine since I know it is so worth the money.

 

[Princess April]

Hahahahahaha... this trait might be inherited... My mother had a case of the "what if's"... I have a case of "The worst case scenarios". I have it sooo bad the DH even bought me "The Worst Case Scenario" survival game for Christmas one year!!!!
But I think this might be a good thing. In the beginning of our marraige we spent too much and it took a Looooooooooong time to get where we are today. It still kills me to spend $$$ sometimes, but I just do. Not on anything stupid now, but if I can find DH's pants for work (He only really likes 1 kind... the $19.99 kind from Walmart) in his size I stock up... like the other day there was a miracle at my Walmart... they had 5, yes 5!!!!!! pairs in his size and yup, I got all of 'em.! His others were about to hit the dust, but still.... 5!!!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Hahahahahaha... this trait might be inherited... My mother had a case of the "what if's"... I have a case of "The worst case scenarios". I have it sooo bad the DH even bought me "The Worst Case Scenario" survival game for Christmas one year!!!!
But I think this might be a good thing. In the beginning of our marraige we spent too much and it took a Looooooooooong time to get where we are today. It still kills me to spend $$$ sometimes, but I just do. Not on anything stupid now, but if I can find DH's pants for work (He only really likes 1 kind... the $19.99 kind from Walmart) in his size I stock up... like the other day there was a miracle at my Walmart... they had 5, yes 5!!!!!! pairs in his size and yup, I got all of 'em.! His others were about to hit the dust, but still.... 5!!!

My DH wears the $19.99 khakis at Walmart too.

You know, despite the nerves of spending money, I'd much rather have this issue then the overspending one I had before. I have so many friends who wayyyy over spend, sometimes to the demise of their marriages. So having seen all we have, my DH would much rather sleep on a couch for a while till I am OK with buying a new bed then have to borrow money from the inlaws on a regular basis like many people we know. And I am not saying there isn't middle ground, I know there is and that is where I'd like to get to be, but if he had to have one extreme or the other, my DH is happy to have a more frugal wife.

And to the PP who mentioned not getting a refurb fridge, thanks for the advise. I have been reading online thanks to your advise and I appreciate it. Ours isn't dead yet, just freezing everything, so I have some time to research and that always makes me feel better. Thanks...

 

[hsmamato2]

There is a big difference between being frugal (which I am) and cheap( I am not) Being frugal means you are very good at saving money while also being able to enjoy your life. Being cheap goes WAY deeper,it means you are unable to enjoy your hard earned and saved money,even when you have the funds to use. IMHO being cheap is a condition of the spirit,and it involves more than just money.
Do you have the money for the bed? Will you have nothing left in emergency fund if you buy it? Then you are correct to be anxious. It sounds like you have at least 2 car payments?(maybe I read it wrong) But having payments you must make can make a person anxious.
BUT- If you have the money,and you NEED an item,then buy it! Otherwise you may not just be frugal( a great thing) but you may actually just be cheap. (a bad thing)
Also, being frugal means you know where each and every penny stands. Then when you use your pennies,you don;t have anxiety,b/c there is no question that you can actually afford or not afford things.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

There is a big difference between being frugal (which I am) and cheap( I am not) Being frugal means you are very good at saving money while also being able to enjoy your life. Being cheap goes WAY deeper,it means you are unable to enjoy your hard earned and saved money,even when you have the funds to use. IMHO being cheap is a condition of the spirit,and it involves more than just money.
Do you have the money for the bed? Will you have nothing left in emergency fund if you buy it? Then you are correct to be anxious. It sounds like you have at least 2 car payments?(maybe I read it wrong) But having payments you must make can make a person anxious.
BUT- If you have the money,and you NEED an item,then buy it! Otherwise you may not just be frugal( a great thing) but you may actually just be cheap. (a bad thing)
Also, being frugal means you know where each and every penny stands. Then when you use your pennies,you don;t have anxiety,b/c there is no question that you can actually afford or not afford things.

Nope, you actually did read wrong. We had 2 car payments whcih is why I had such anxiety over buying the car when we did. They are both fully paid off and have been for some time. We have no car payments.

I can tell you that I LOVE!!!!! my life. I am married to the greatest husband in the world and we have 3 kids that can be the greatest (when they want to ) but despite having the money for this, I still got scared parting with it. In everyday I am frugal but it really is fun to me, like a game. I actually posted the other day about how we went to Chuck E Cheese and with coupons I got a large pizza with all the toppings, drinks and 234 toekns for $19.06. It actually excites me to get a deal. Never have we not enjoyed something because I didn't want to pay for it, I just like to make sure I am getting the best deal I can on it. But when it is a large sum of money I get nervous about it. It isn't like I don't get over it, I am totally over any anxiety I had last night and now am cleaning my bedroom really good and getting my good sheets ready to put on our bed. It's just the initial handing over of the money that I hate to do. We paid cash (well, debit card, don't want to carry around $1000 in actual cash) for the bed, so it was not financed, but still, especially now a days, money is tight for people. We have so many friends who borrow on a regular basis from their parents or in laws, use credit cards for things like groceries, and I just want to be sure that if something were to happen to DH's job, we wouldn't be in that situation.

So, while I am thrilled about this purchase, I jsut don't take handing over large sums of money easy. It's just scary to me. If tomorrow DH lost his job wouold I want the purchase or the money? Well, I am happy to say for this purchase I'd rather have the mattress.

Talking with DH he said it probably stems for back when I was expecing our second DD. We had just bought a new van and took a trip to Disney with our extended family. Before buying the van DH went to his boss, told him I was pregnant and we were considering buying a new van but he wanted to know if his job was secure. He assured my DH that is was very much so. Within a month and a half he was let go. We had spent $1000+ on our trip and had a new van payment, had to pay for Cobra (because I was pregnant,) it was scary. We were young, we got through it but learned a lot from that and never want to repeat that. So, that is probably why I worry.

But I can assure you, it does not keep me from enjoying my life. I am probably one of the most goofy in love people ever. Thankfully DH gets me and despite it all loves me.