Another would you be offended question

[JanaDee]

Right? This is the way it is in our family too.

Our kids attend a Co-Op, & there are fees for each class. My parents offered to pay the fees this year. Before I accepted, I discussed it w/ DH. Not because he's a controlling jerk, but, in our marriage, we talk about & discuss things. And, yeah, if my sister just randomly sent me $300, I'd tell him. LOL!

This is also exactly what I was saying as well about wife's family vs. husband's family. I don't know why it's okay w/ some posters since it's the wife's family, but, if the husband's family had done something similar, the same posters would be all "Red flags!"

If this thread was instead "Would you be offended if your mother-in-law brought over your DH's favorite cheesecake because she found out you couldn't make it?", I'm thinking the responses would be very different.

Oooooh yeah.

 

[eliza61]

Really. How many of those posters that said the DH just needed to get over it would say the same thing if it was the wife that was offended?

Like I said earlier, $300 showing up unexpectedly is certainly something I would mention to DH. I guess we aren't 'lucky' enough to have money handed to us left and right by relatives. If we didn't have the money for something, we didn't do it/buy it, we didn't expect relatives to pay for it.

Really reaching aren't cha? Lol no one said they expected anyone to pay for any thing? No one said relatives handed money left and right. Why must we exaggerate every thing. Treating some to some thing nice is a long way from having relatives pay for some thing. Jeez.

Ok thanks all. Not a big issues co-worker went to the shore, had a good time, planning for a week with her sister next year, alls good with hubby.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ri-ight.

Yes, 100% (re: my comments about my husband's probable reaction)

In all seriousness...
Not just saying things and being 'expressive' like I can sometimes be.

Why would you question that....

And, the issue here is not that the wife told the husband...
It was the fact that he became offended at something that was clearly of no offense to him. That is where I am making a judgment call here. Based on his reaction.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why must we exaggerate every thing...

Yep, when those on either side start with the wild exaggerations and assumptions, you know that it is when the thread is lost!!!! People do that when they can see no other way to support their viewpoint...

 

[Wishing on a star]

.... co-worker went to the shore, had a good time, planning for a week with her sister next year, alls good with hubby.

Sounds great!

 

[Wishing on a star]

In turn, would you be offended if your mother-in-law suddenly brought over your DH's favorite home-cooked meal one night - under the guise that she wanted to do something nice for her son?

Ohhhh, I see where you are going with this one.
Everyone here does.

In my case, I could possibly have reason to have some hard feelings, because IN MY CASE I know my in-laws, and things like this are def. done with an agenda.

This would have nothing to do with whether it is the husband's family or the wife's family.

My personal experience with one particular family member does not translate to the OP's example, at all. Not in any tiny way.

PS: We always went to my MIL's house, every single week... every single holiday... every single EVERYTHING.... and ate just exactly what she wanted to cook, just exactly how she thought it should be eaten. This is the kind of woman who was always very controlling and narcissitic, and would take offense if I baked a pie to contribute to Christmas dinner. She would be just like the husband in the OP's example, if he truly was offended, and all 'falling on knives' because if I (or anyone) contributed anything to be nice, she would have a huge problem with that.

(PS: Yes, this was a woman from the north... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)

 

[JanaDee]

Uh? where'd you come up with that? Born and raised in these parts. 50+ years. my sister and I give/gave money to one another all the time. We buy clothes for one another.
Every one I know does it.

we're not saying it doesn't exist, we're saying that it is probably not a regional thing as many, many of us are from the east coast and have given monetary gifts and received them for various reasons.

Cool thanks for answering. I do like hearing about different lives. When my son's were little some relative or another would send me money for them. I never even remotely thought to tell dh, like I said he would have thought I was kookoo if every time his mom sent 100 bucks I told him.

I just sent my 13 yo nieces money for back to school, lol I'm betting my brother doesn't have a clue and my dh never knew who got what for Christmas. I remember one year telling him to send his nephew 100 bucks for making the dean's list, I swear to god the man said " Jrs in school already".

It's not that we hide it it's just so "every day" that it doesn't gather special attention. for example when I was a stay at homer and we were on one salary I cut out the normal stuff I did pre kids like getting my hair and nails done. every so often my sister would send me a couple of hundred bucks to get my hair done, which I would do. dh would come home and say "hey got your hair done"? and i would say yes, mel sent me 200 dollars last week and he would say "looks good". end of conversation. Stuff like that.

Really reaching aren't cha? Lol no one said they expected anyone to pay for any thing? No one said relatives handed money left and right. Why must we exaggerate every thing. Treating some to some thing nice is a long way from having relatives pay for some thing. Jeez.

I must have somehow misunderstood all the bolded.

 

[declansdad]

Yes, she should possibly mention it to her husband...
A marriage should be open and honest...

SO, my question would be... Why would she feel that she had to keep something between herself and her sister, or friend, or whomever so private.
WHICH I MOST DEFINITELY WOULD IN THE FUTURE, AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

Maybe it is because her husband expects to know about and control everything?????
His reaction and the fact that he was offended seems to show that he is not the type of man, like some have mentioned... Hey, no biggie... doesn't have to be my business....

Any insinuation of any expectation that she just must tell him everything like this, that is her own personal business, and be granted his approval... Wow... huge red flags.

I still am sitting here not seeing any way, at all, that her husband should be offended because of this

There are no further straws to grab at here.
There are just no justifications, unless, of course, there is more background to this story.

In most families, you don't have one person intent on controlling the others. I don't know why you continue to think that way.

 

[hallie]

I wouldn't be offended, I'd be grateful.

 

[declansdad]

But if the money was for something nice for the sister and her kids... so that they could come visit at the shore, then there would be no implication that the guy is a deadbeat who can't feed or take care of his family.

If this money was a nice gift... which was intended and used to go visit... then I am having an even harder time seeing anything to warrant this husband being so offended.

Wife - "Sis and I were talking about us visiting but I told her money was tight right now so we wouldn't be coming up this weekend."

Husband - "Yes it would be nice but with the extra spending we did over the summer you are right, now is not a good time."


fast forward

Wife - "Sis just sent us some money so we can go visit."

Husband - "You told her we can't go because money is tight so what does she do! She takes it upon herself to pay for something that you said we weren't going to do. Who does she think she is? Were not in need of financial help, money is just a bit tight right now."


Of course he would be offended. It would be similar to go telling your kids no they couldn't have that treat and someone else coming along and buying it for them. Are you telling me you wouldn't be upset if that happened/

 

[mjkacmom]

Hmm, my sister gave me her vehicle, worth about $7000, because she was getting a new one, and dh's was about to bite the dust. We were so happy to have it when his engine died three weeks later!

We said thank you!

 

[Bluestars]

Wife - "Sis and I were talking about us visiting but I told her money was tight right now so we wouldn't be coming up this weekend."

Husband - "Yes it would be nice but with the extra spending we did over the summer you are right, now is not a good time."


fast forward

Wife - "Sis just sent us some money so we can go visit."

Husband - "You told her we can't go because money is tight so what does she do! She takes it upon herself to pay for something that you said we weren't going to do. Who does she think she is? Were not in need of financial help, money is just a bit tight right now."


Of course he would be offended. It would be similar to go telling your kids no they couldn't have that treat and someone else coming along and buying it for them. Are you telling me you wouldn't be upset if that happened/

I don't think every husband would necessarily be offended. My husband would not be offended if my family sent us money.

Regarding the cheesecake scenario. I can't make fried chicken. My MIL makes great fried chicken. If she brought fried chicken over to my husband because she knew I could not make it, I would not be offended. Not everybody gets offended by the same things.

I think the main think is the intent on behalf of the giver. If the intent is to make someone happy, then I don't see a reason to be offended. If the intent is to belittle or put somebody down, then I could see being offended.

 

[LBIJim]

You're right, some are really reaching, and it isn't me.

You got that right.

Really. How many of those posters that said the DH just needed to get over it would say the same thing if it was the wife that was offended?
.

Probably not a single one. Indeed, the husband would be eviscerated as an insensitive uncaring beast if he told his wife she needed to get over something.

Right? This is the way it is in our family too.

Our kids attend a Co-Op, & there are fees for each class. My parents offered to pay the fees this year. Before I accepted, I discussed it w/ DH. Not because he's a controlling jerk, but, in our marriage, we talk about & discuss things. And, yeah, if my sister just randomly sent me $300, I'd tell him. LOL!

This is also exactly what I was saying as well about wife's family vs. husband's family. I don't know why it's okay w/ some posters since it's the wife's family, but, if the husband's family had done something similar, the same posters would be all "Red flags!"

If this thread was instead "Would you be offended if your mother-in-law brought over your DH's favorite cheesecake because she found out you couldn't make it?", I'm thinking the responses would be very different.

And, the issue here is not that the wife told the husband...
It was the fact that he became offended at something that was clearly of no offense to him. That is where I am making a judgment call here. Based on his reaction.

I wasn't aware that the husband or anyone else needed your approval to get offended. Now that you've made that clear, we'll be sure to ask your permission first. Only you get to decide what's offensive. Got it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

In most families, you don't have one person intent on controlling the others. I don't know why you continue to think that way.

I know that very well...

And I never, EVER, said anything about any families, much less MOST families.

My personal family is not over-involved and controlling in any way.

The fact that my inlaws were, is a very valid point.
Whether you seem to like that or not.

In fact, quite the opposite is true....
If this were all about how a family member is controlling, and I felt the way you THINK I feel.... then I would have been all over that sister for crossing boundary lines with that gift. The exact opposite of what you are trying to insinuate here. But, hey, what-ever....

IMHO, yes, if somebody were to be markedly 'offended' because a family member were given a gift from a sister or best friend, etc.. That is over-involved and controlling. I would have a problem with it if my husband were to be that way.

It seems that the couple in the OP's example worked it all out, and all is well that ends well!!!!!! So, I am going to go with that. I am going to assume that the husband was able to shake off his initial reaction. And hey.. no problem...

Nothing to see here, people....
Moving along!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wasn't aware that the husband or anyone else needed your approval to get offended. Now that you've made that clear, we'll be sure to ask your permission first. Only you get to decide what's offensive. Got it.

WOW... just W O W.....

I never, EVER, said that either....
I did state that one always has a right to their feelings.... It is how they choose to express and act on them that matters.

This thread is completely and totally losing touch with reality here.....

AGAIN...
moving along people....

 

[declansdad]

I know that very well...

And I never, EVER, said anything about any families, much less MOST families.

My personal family is not over-involved and controlling in any way.

The fact that my inlaws were, is a very valid point.
Whether you seem to like that or not.

In fact, quite the opposite is true....
If this were all about how a family member is controlling, and I felt the way you THINK I feel.... then I would have been all over that sister for crossing boundary lines with that gift. The exact opposite of what you are trying to insinuate here. But, hey, what-ever....

IMHO, yes, if somebody were to be markedly 'offended' because a family member were given a gift from a sister or best friend, etc.. That is over-involved and controlling. I would have a problem with it if my husband were to be that way.

It seems that the couple in the OP's example worked it all out, and all is well that ends well!!!!!! So, I am going to go with that. I am going to assume that the husband was able to shake off his initial reaction. And hey.. no problem...

Nothing to see here, people....
Moving along!!!

WOW... just W O W.....

I never, EVER, said that either....
I did state that one always has a right to their feelings.... It is how they choose to express and act on them that matters.

This thread is completely and totally losing touch with reality here.....

AGAIN...
moving along people....

You said the husband being offended was a sign he wanted to control everything. This type of comment is typical of every family related thread you post in. In your mind, there is always someone looking to control the other.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I know that very well...

And I never, EVER, said anything about any families, much less MOST families.

My personal family is not over-involved and controlling in any way.

The fact that my inlaws were, is a very valid point.
Whether you seem to like that or not.

In fact, quite the opposite is true....
If this were all about how a family member is controlling, and I felt the way you THINK I feel.... then I would have been all over that sister for crossing boundary lines with that gift. The exact opposite of what you are trying to insinuate here. But, hey, what-ever....

IMHO, yes, if somebody were to be markedly 'offended' because a family member were given a gift from a sister or best friend, etc.. That is over-involved and controlling. I would have a problem with it if my husband were to be that way.

It seems that the couple in the OP's example worked it all out, and all is well that ends well!!!!!! So, I am going to go with that. I am going to assume that the husband was able to shake off his initial reaction. And hey.. no problem...

Nothing to see here, people....
Moving along!!!

I have a feeling if the gift had been to the husband from his sister, you would have felt it was crossing a line.

The thing is you talk about control issues on many threads but you do it in a way that comes off as extreme and controlling.