Another would you be offended question

[ronandannette]

No, I wouldn't lie when the gift is expected.. however, I know some people who wouldn't accept a gift out of the blue. By saying it's something I won and can't use, makes the receiver think there are no ties to the gift or an underlying reason.

For example, I had a friend that I would go visit. On several occasions, I would bring the makings for ice cream sundaes with the excuse "I feel like having ice cream tonight." For him, money was tight and extras were kept to a minimum. I wanted to do something special for him. I really didn't feel like sundaes, but it made him happy. I never heard 'you don't have to do that' and he never felt the need to do something for me.

Sure, whatever then. I just prefer the honesty of giving generously and receiving graciously. Your way seems unnecessarily manipulative.

Maybe we're just better with the straight-up approach here in the West...

 

[disykat]

Two siblings talking to each other about finances is not an open invitation to send money.

I agree. I talk to my siblings about money. We've even given each other money and/or loaned it to each other at times over the years. However, we talk about THAT too - cash doesn't just randomly show up in an envelope.

Because 99.9% likely she was not intending any offence. Life's too short to take up offence where none exists.

I don't get this. Taking offence to something doesn't aways take motive into account. Often offence is built on the person who is offended's belief system. Just because offence isn't intended doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Hmm. The way it was done bothers me. If the sister had said (during the initial conversation), "Oh, I don't want you to worry about the money! This weekend is on us!", then it wouldn't have felt as odd. But sending cash through the mail because CW said not this time due to financial constraints seems, well, icky.

I agree. Money randoming showing up feels weird. If sister had simply said she'd like to treat, no big deal.

 

[aprilgail2]

I think all of you questioning the post with the "north" reference are missing something.

Pride or not, the husband has the right to be offended.

He can be offended all he wants but it really is between the wife and her sister.

 

[eliza61]

NYC
Philly
Jersey Shore

That's the answer why this was a touchy situation and why the husband was peeved. What the co-worker's sister did often IS an intentional slam in these parts. The sister may have done so innocently, but then she's kind of clueless. Better to offer the money and have the person accept rather than sending it unsolicited under the guise of "helping."

Sounds like something a "Real Housewife of NJ" might do.

Uh? where'd you come up with that? Born and raised in these parts. 50+ years. my sister and I give/gave money to one another all the time. We buy clothes for one another.
Every one I know does it.

Everyone else at the table voted "no foul" also. we are all from the tri state area.


Anyone wants to send me a couple of bucks, is welcome to. I can't believe the freakin cost of text books.

 

[Shmily1]

Sounds to me like the sister at the Jersey Shore (I don't really care where it is on the map) wanted to see her sister's family. She was thinking that money was what was stopping them from the visit so she sent them money to aleviate the problem so she could have some sister time. I think it was a great jesture for her to make and her sister's family should take the money and head to the Jersey Shore for some family time.

The husband being offended is another issue. He needs to get over his pride and enjoy the weekend. She didn't do it to flaunt money or be ugly. She wanted to share and be nice. I help my daughter's family as often as possible and her DH doesn't have a problem with it. Sometimes I take them bags of meat. He gets all excited and tells me thank you many times. I don't do it to say he can't take care of them. I do it to make it easier on them.

 

[Andtototoo]

Uh? where'd you come up with that? Born and raised in these parts. 50+ years. my sister and I give/gave money to one another all the time. We buy clothes for one another.
Every one I know does it.

Everyone else at the table voted "no foul" also. we are all from the tri state area.


Anyone wants to send me a couple of bucks, is welcome to. I can't believe the freakin cost of text books.

I agree with Eliza -- I'm from NYC and the fam lives in the tri-state area. I've never heard of anyone from that area automatically taking offense at a family member making a kind gesture that involves money or that taking offense to such a gesture is a local cultural norm.

My sister has had some financial hardships in the last 20 years due to the financial ripple effect of medical issues resulting from an accident. From time to time, I have given her money for necessities and little luxuries. She has always thanked me profusely for the help and cashed the checks. Because of those issues, I anticipate that she will live with us in retirement and I'm looking for a house with an in-law suite as a result. She is nothing but grateful that someone is willing to help her. All of our family and friends actually look on my offer as a given, to be honest. No one is remotely offended or suggesting that she should be offended. They are all saying, "Thank god you're taking care of your little sister. That's what family is for."

 

[KennesawNemo]

$300 does not say " I don't think you can feed your family". $300 says "Hey sis, go get yourself something nice because I know it's not in your budget. I'd be stoked and appreciative.

This.

If I really need the money, I'll use it. If I don't, I'll look for a chance in the near future to gift her back.

I wish my kids would care for each other like that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think all of you questioning the post with the "north" reference are missing something.

Pride or not, the husband has the right to be offended.

Have to, again, very strongly disagree with this.

If my husband were offended because a sister that I am close to wanted to do something nice for me... I would tell him he has major issues.

He does not 'control' me, or my family members.

Of course, we have NO idea what other underlying backstory or issues could be there. But, based on what we know... In no way does anyone, even my husband, or especially my husband, have a right to be 'offended' because a sister or close friend were to do something like this.

Now, if the wife had told her sister... for example... "We would love to come see you at the shore, but lame DH won't do what it takes to make enough money..." Or, for example... the husband had said, no way... enough is enough... I do not want to travel this weekend. And the wife paved the way for her sister to send money so that, YES, they would go to the shore, no matter what her husband might want to do... Then, yes, the husband should be offended.... But NOT at the sister-in-law. He would have a problem with his wife.... inlaw issues are almost ALWAYS marriage issues.

 

[JanaDee]

Have to, again, very strongly disagree with this.

If my husband were offended because a sister that I am close to wanted to do something nice for me... I would tell him he has major issues.

He does not 'control' me, or my family members.

Of course, we have NO idea what other underlying backstory or issues could be there. But, based on what we know... In no way does anyone, even my husband, or especially my husband, have a right to be 'offended' because a sister or close friend were to do something like this.

Now, if the wife had told her sister... for example... "We would love to come see you at the shore, but lame DH won't do what it takes to make enough money..." Yes, the husband should be offended.... But NOT at the sister-in-law. He would have a problem with his wife.... inlaw issues are almost ALWAYS marriage issues.

Just like you say your husband doesn't have the right to "control" you, you also don't have the right to say whether he can feel offended or not.

People have a right to their feelings. Their feelings are their feelings. Whether you think they are 'right' or not is irrelevant.

 

[LBIJim]

I agree with Eliza -- I'm from NYC and the fam lives in the tri-state area. I've never heard of anyone from that area automatically taking offense at a family member making a kind gesture that involves money or that taking offense to such a gesture is a local cultural norm.."

Just because you and Eliza never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does exist, and I've seen several instances of it over the years.

It's not the money itself, it's HOW the money was given that is the problem.

And I do notice that it's mostly women here who are saying the husband needs to get over it, like his feelings don't matter. Typical.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just like you say your husband doesn't have the right to "control" you, you also don't have the right to say whether he can feel offended or not.

People have a right to their feelings. Their feelings are their feelings. Whether you think they are 'right' or not is irrelevant.

Yes, he has a right to his feelings...
I had almost thrown that in my comments...
That is actually a belief that I have posted quite often here on the DIS.
Totally agree.

But, that doesn't mean that he should voice or act on them.
Which, apparently, he must have.

There is a huge, HUGE, difference between having one's personal feelings... and actually, openly, using the fact that you might be so 'mortally offended' as a way to control others.

That is just controlling and warped.
It is emotional manipulation.
It is called 'Falling on Knives'.

Seen it many times.
Usually, from my experience, I think often women are the one's who are masters at this.

 

[JanaDee]

Yes, he has a right to his feelings...
I had almost thrown that in my comments...
That is actually a belief that I have posted quite often here on the DIS.
Totally agree.

But, that doesn't mean that he should voice or act on them.
Which, apparently, he must have.

There is a huge, HUGE, difference between having one's personal feelings... and actually, openly, using the fact that you might be so 'mortally offended' as a way to control others.

That is just controlling and warped.
It is emotional manipulation.
It is called 'Falling on Knives'.

Seen it many times.
Usually, from my experience, I think often women are the one's who are masters at this.

Why should a husband or wife (if the situation were reversed) have to keep their feelings to themselves about something that impacts their family?? They don't, and they shouldn't.

It isn't controlling, it is called being part of a grown up relationship where you discuss things, good and bad.

 

[declansdad]

He can be offended all he wants but it really is between the wife and her sister.

He is involved so it does involve him as well.

Sounds to me like the sister at the Jersey Shore (I don't really care where it is on the map) wanted to see her sister's family. She was thinking that money was what was stopping them from the visit so she sent them money to aleviate the problem so she could have some sister time. I think it was a great jesture for her to make and her sister's family should take the money and head to the Jersey Shore for some family time.

The husband being offended is another issue. He needs to get over his pride and enjoy the weekend. She didn't do it to flaunt money or be ugly. She wanted to share and be nice. I help my daughter's family as often as possible and her DH doesn't have a problem with it. Sometimes I take them bags of meat. He gets all excited and tells me thank you many times. I don't do it to say he can't take care of them. I do it to make it easier on them.

We don't know that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Still very very strongly disagree.

If a sister were to gift me some money like this, it does not, in any way, directly affect my husband or my son. That would not, in any way, be disrespectful to them. And I can see absolutely no grounds for them to be so offended, or to try to use their own personal feelings to affect the situation in any way.

Folks are really reaching for straws here....

Again, there may be other underlying issues that DO affect the husband... such as, is he expected to repay the money? Is he expected to take a trip that he does not want to? But there have been no indications of any of this type of thing at all.

 

[declansdad]

Why should a husband or wife (if the situation were reversed) have to keep their feelings to themselves about something that impacts their family?? They don't, and they shouldn't.

It isn't controlling, it is called being part of a grown up relationship where you discuss things, good and bad.

Well said!

Every family issue is not about one trying to control the other.

 

[Chuckers]

Sure, whatever then. I just prefer the honesty of giving generously and receiving graciously. Your way seems unnecessarily manipulative.

Maybe we're just better with the straight-up approach here in the West...

And I just want to make sure that the person I care about gets something special. I don't need the "credit" for giving a gift to someone.

As for being better with the "straight-up" approach, this Italian from New York has no problem with being direct... and neither do my friends and family. We also know how to do the "sideways" approach so that people we care about don't feel bad for accepting a helping hand or obligated to return the favor.

 

[eliza61]

Just because you and Eliza never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does exist, and I've seen several instances of it over the years.

It's not the money itself, it's HOW the money was given that is the problem.

And I do notice that it's mostly women here who are saying the husband needs to get over it, like his feelings don't matter. Typical.

we're not saying it doesn't exist, we're saying that it is probably not a regional thing as many, many of us are from the east coast and have given monetary gifts and received them for various reasons.

 

[JanaDee]

Still very very strongly disagree.

If a sister were to gift me some money like this, it does not, in any way, directly affect my husband or my son. That would not, in any way, be disrespectful to them. And I can see absolutely no grounds for them to be so offended, or to try to use their own personal feelings to affect the situation in any way.

Folks are really reaching for straws here....

Again, there may be other underlying issues that DO affect the husband... such as, is he expected to repay the money? Is he expected to take a trip that he does not want to? But there have been no indications of any of this type of thing at all.

You're right, some are really reaching, and it isn't me.

 

[dennis99ss]

warning--man comment here.


I totally get the husbands deal. Could he find the money to go--probably. did he want to spend the money on the trip instead of something else, probably not. So, they decide they are not going, sorry sis, cant really afford the travel right now--
and then sis sends money.
slap in the man parts--yes, -- kind of says--so sorry your hubby can't afford it, so we will pay for you, unsolicited. why didn't sis ask if she could help out first? would have cured the issue.

unless of course they have no money, then it is a different story. in that case, "sorry sis, lazy hubby still is not working, the kids eat tortillas and hot sauce for lunch, and we are maxed on our cc's, so there is no way we can make it" the scenario is different. but that is not what we have here.

 

[eliza61]

He is involved so it does involve him as well.




We don't know that.

How? serious question? It's funny because the first thing I asked was how did dh even find out about it.

the reason I say that is because 300 bucks is not even some thing I would have even told my dh about. Pretty much that's not a crazy amount of money, now dh and I had separate as well as joint checking accounts so we both had "mad" money. so generally if I went up to NY to see my sister and we end up shopping or eating out (easy 300 bucks in NYC) I never came home and told him how much I spent. really the conversation would go, "how's the fam? do any thing fun?" yada yada yada.

For me, it's no difference than when dh would go to a Philies games with my sons and or with friends. He always ended up dropping a couple of hundred bucks so if his brother gave sent him 200 bucks to go to an eagle game, I won't even know about it. and if the man came home actually told me about how much he spent at a ball game or where he got the money from, I'd look at him like he was drunk or some thing. I probably end up saying some thing like

"Ok babe, what's up? why are you stressing over a lousy 300 bucks"

Now if I rolled up in the drive way with a new BMW, he'd be a tad bit concerned. LOL

And before anyone ask, no I do not know her full financial background. I do know her pay grade but there are very few people in this company that make less than 60K a year.

Remember guys: this was a very casual lunch time conversation.