Another School Discipline (or lack of) Thread

[WantToGoNow]

My ds8 is in 3rd grade. There is another boy in his class that lives on the same street as us. We have had problems with this boy on numerous ocassions at school and home and I mentioned this to the teacher on meet the teacher night. He was tied up on the playground several times last year with jumpropes to the basketball hoop (after I reported this to his teacher, it stopped), he was pushed into lockers and called names. He has been ganged up (2-3 boys) and kicked/beaten twice at home and this child was always involved. I even came home one day last summer to find him hitting my dd4 with a plastic baseball bat. I put an end to any contact at home - if he's somewhere and this child shows up, he has to leave. If he shows up in our yard, I ask him to leave.

So they posted the school classes this year and sure enough this boy is in his class. We go to meet the teacher and this kids desk is right behind my son and they share a locker. I knew right then there would be a problem but I told my son to ignore him and to tell the teacher if he bothered him. Well we all know 8 year boys will not be tattle tales (or most won't anyway).

My son has had bruises on his since school started. Now he's in soccer as well so those bruises could be from soccer (soccer ends this week so I'll be able to tell afterwards). But the bruises aren't in places on the body where you'd likely get kicked - upper thigh (baseball size bruise), upper arm, back, etc. When asked where they come from, his answer is always "I don't know".

He came home from school Friday and said "xx hurt his foot". I didn't think anything else about it until Sunday morning. We stopped at Walmart to get bottles of water before both kids soccer game. We were standing at the u-scan when this man that I don't know comes up to my son and put's his finger in his face and says "my kid got hurt because of you and if you touch him again, I'll have him beat the s++t out of you". He then starts to walk off, and I said come back, what's this about. Apparently my son stepped on the back of his foot while he was tying his shoe. The dad said he also pushed him which my son denied. I asked if XX did anything to him and he said "he picked me up by my pants and slammed me into the fence". That explained the 3" scrape on his neck. So I called the school yesterday morning to find out what really happened - the other parents sent a note. I was called by the teacher and she knew nothing about this and she said she was on the playground Friday. Both boys were called into the office together and separately and basically told "you don't have to be friends but you have to get along". Now I can protect him at home, but I can't at school. Any suggestions.

 

[Alesia]

You need to meet with the teacher and the principal and calmly discuss your concerns.

 

[lucyem]

Most schools these days have a no tolerance bullying policy. Personally I would calmly meet with the principal. I would have my son switched to another class. Your child has the right to go to school and be safe. This is beyond "just get along". Speak to the principal about your son's safety and how he can be protected on the playground and so forth.

I would also be speaking to a lawyer to find out your rights in your state. Yes they are "just kids" but your child has been physically hurt and abused repeatedly by this other child. I would also start a notebook listing all injuries and incidents. Dates, times, photos.

I would also suggest looking into books on bullying for more information.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

I agree, meet w/ teacher and principal. Bullying is a very serious offense in our school. Does your school have a counselor? It may be good for your DS to open up to someone, sounds like he's withholding a little at home to keep the peace.

good luck

 

[seashoreCM]

I think you should get your kid into a different classroom. And of course different lockers.

If your boy can't come home from school in one piece, someone (maybe even I) might find a way to attach the adjective "dysfunctional" to him.

For the purpose of, once the adjective "dysfunctional" is applied, a way might be found to attach the adjective "disabled".

For the purpose of, once the adjective "disabled" is applied, the school could be on the hook for accommodating "the disability".

I won't add any more gory details except to say it might dawn on the school that a better anti-bullying program (not just a policy) may be less expensive on the property taxpayers than "other solutions".

Or how about additional physical education off campus. For the whole family, you (to deal with 'this man (I) don't know') and for your son. It would not be limited to defense (as in self defense). You would have to pay for this yourself. I would strike a balance instead of putting this second in line to studies and homework! (Also let some of the household chores and reciprocating with relatives slide if time becomes a problem.)

 

[luvmy3]

It sounds like a case of like father, like son
I think you need to have a meeting with the teacher and the principal. Most schools have a zero tolerance on bullying now. Also have your ds keep a record of EVERYTHING this kid does to him, the school can't ignore his behavior forever. WEll since he's 8, have him tell you everythng and you keep a record of it.
I'm so sorry your ds has to deal with a kid like that

 

[seashoreCM]

I am led to believe that kids often try to hide what happens at school from you the parent because they are afraid that you will turn around and come down on them.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I am led to believe that kids often try to hide what happens at school from you the parent because they are afraid that you will turn around and come down on them.

Where do you get that one? Kids hide things for a lot of reasons. They may have been threatened by the bully or abuser.

 

[Alesia]

I am led to believe that kids often try to hide what happens at school from you the parent because they are afraid that you will turn around and come down on them.

The reasons are a lot more complex than that. Sometimes it is that (although not usually in cases of bullying.) Sometimes they don't want to be a snitch. Sometimes they've been threatened. Sometimes they don't have the verbal skills to express what's happening. Sometimes they don't want to be treated like a baby.

Usually it's a combination of some or all of the above (with other reasons thrown in.)

 

[Disneyadore]

I would take a survey on a regular base when they are on the playground with a camera or give my kid a cell phone whit film/camera function. This problem will not disappear by itself ,it will only get worse.
We fought a similar fight before the digital camera's.

We ended up by removing our child from this particular school.
Now this kid is in a juvenal institute for terrorizing a whole street and molesting an old lady for money.

Stop this now before your kid and you pay a bill that will last for life.

 

[Cinderellabride]

I'd be calling the cops, and having the boys father arrested and pressing charges for threatening my kid. Then I'd be going to the principal and demanding that my child be moved and this kid be kept away from my kid or cops and lawyers and lawsuits will be involved. The school is legally obligated to provide a safe environment for students. Honestly, I'd probably get the cops involved with the bullying too. This kid needs serious help. I'm really not sue happy, but if you were to sue the parents of this kid (and probably if you press charges) the court will order counsiling and stuff for the kid and put other things in place to keep your kid safe. I'm so sorry this is happening to your son.

Man bullying makes me so mad.

 

[ireland_nicole]

You need to take pictures of the damage inflicted on your son; you need to keep a clear journal with the dates and info re: every conversation w/ the school, the boy, the parents, etc.

You need to immediately request a meeting with the teacher and the principal. This is bullying. End of discussion, it is not ok, and it puts the school in a very tenuous legal position if they allow it to continue. Like some pp's have said, remain calm, but firm. Brainstorm solutions that you can present to the school such as changing classes/lockers, etc. But do not allow this to continue unabated.

to the pp who was discussion a "disability" label; I have two children w/ disabilities who receive special education services. Let me assure you, the process does not work in the way you described.

 

[mjkacmom]

According to the OP, her ds hasn't accused this boy of anything. However, the other parent claims his ds was injured by the OP's ds. Usually there are 3 sides to every story, the truth being the 3rd, and it's usually a combination. The OP has no proof those bruises were caused by this boy - her ds never said they were. Ds11 is covered in bruises from sports, and except for an 8 inch bruise on his leg, he would have no idea where they came from.

I'm not saying this kid isn't a bully, and I'm not saying the OP's ds is a bully. I'm just saying that we all think our kids are the innocent ones. Ds was bullying a little boy in kindergarten (his friend told him to do it - not an excuse in any way), and was shocked! Needless to say, it didn't happen again (and ds was never in the same class as his "friend," and the friendship ended).

I can't believe people want to call the police on this kid, when not only is there no proof, but he hasn't even been accused.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I would start documenting.
I would have a honest talk with your DS. Tell him you need him to be honest with you, even if he is scared. You can not help him if he doesn't tell you the truth.

My DS was bullied in elementary, and it was like pulling teeth to get the principal to take it seriously.

Talk to the teacher, the guidance counselor and the principal. Tell them your suspicions, and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Keep meticulous notes, take pics of any bruises your DS says were caused by the other boy, and be ready to go over the principal to the district if your son is being injured by the other boy and nothing is done to stop it.

Good luck!!

 

[Cinderellabride]

I absolutely would call the cops on the father for threatening my kid! There is NO EXCUSE for a grown man threatening an 8 year old. And she does know that this kid has beaten and hurt her child before, she said:

"My ds8 is in 3rd grade. There is another boy in his class that lives on the same street as us. We have had problems with this boy on numerous ocassions at school and home and I mentioned this to the teacher on meet the teacher night. He was tied up on the playground several times last year with jumpropes to the basketball hoop (after I reported this to his teacher, it stopped), he was pushed into lockers and called names. He has been ganged up (2-3 boys) and kicked/beaten twice at home and this child was always involved. I even came home one day last summer to find him hitting my dd4 with a plastic baseball bat. I put an end to any contact at home - if he's somewhere and this child shows up, he has to leave. If he shows up in our yard, I ask him to leave."

I was saying to do that for this child who obviously needs help to get some, and to protect her kid, not to throw a kid in jail.

Your situation is different. You put a stop to it when you found out. If the parents would put a stop to it then no I would not get police or anyone else involved. But this father is no only encouraging it he is telling his son to do it and threatening the boy about it. They obviously need help, and they are not going to get it voluntarily.

 

[happy.family.of.6]

I happen to agree with CinderellaBride. There was a child in our old neighborhood that a similar situation was happening to. The kid was trying to be "brave" by dealing with it himself (his parents were still trying to deal with it with the school on occasion) and the other kid ended up putting him in the hospital. His dad encouraged him too. Come to find out, the father was beating his son-a lot of times kids act like this to take their anger out on someone else. I would get the cops involved.

 

[mjkacmom]

I absolutely would call the cops on the father for threatening my kid! There is NO EXCUSE for a grown man threatening an 8 year old. And she does know that this kid has beaten and hurt her child before, she said:

"My ds8 is in 3rd grade. There is another boy in his class that lives on the same street as us. We have had problems with this boy on numerous ocassions at school and home and I mentioned this to the teacher on meet the teacher night. He was tied up on the playground several times last year with jumpropes to the basketball hoop (after I reported this to his teacher, it stopped), he was pushed into lockers and called names. He has been ganged up (2-3 boys) and kicked/beaten twice at home and this child was always involved. I even came home one day last summer to find him hitting my dd4 with a plastic baseball bat. I put an end to any contact at home - if he's somewhere and this child shows up, he has to leave. If he shows up in our yard, I ask him to leave."

I was saying to do that for this child who obviously needs help to get some, and to protect her kid, not to throw a kid in jail.

Your situation is different. You put a stop to it when you found out. If the parents would put a stop to it then no I would not get police or anyone else involved. But this father is no only encouraging it he is telling his son to do it and threatening the boy about it. They obviously need help, and they are not going to get it voluntarily.

My point is that, although it is obvious that this kid is a jerk, and has bullied him in the past, I wouldn't assume that just because the OP's ds denied pushing and stepping on this kid's foot, that he's totally innocent. The kid's dad complained to the principal about the OP's ds - was the OP's ds punished? There's a real bully in ds11's grade, has been for years, and I've always told ds to just stay away, don't engage, don't even play fight. Of course, now ds6 is friends with this kid's brother, and the mom is one of those "not my kid" moms, who threatens parents to keep their kids away from her little angel boys.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

OP my only advice is to advocate for your child. Many, if not all schools having bullying policies. However, it seems many schools don't bother to enforce their policies or follow-up. It's one thing to have a zero tolerance policy in place, and quite another to enforce it. I've had these issues, and the school doesn't like being placed in an uncomfortable position. Assume that no one else cares about your child except you, and take it from there. Force their hand if you must, by documenting, filing complaints, etc. If the school won't step in, take it to the Board of Education. I hate the phrase "Boys will be Boys". It shouldn't be "normal" for one boy to physically, emotionally, and frequently abuse another. If that is someone's sense of normal, then they need help. Good luck and hugs to you and your son.

 

[Sydnerella]

Wanttogonow,
My heart goes out to you and I really really feel badly when I read your story. Being a mom is SO hard! I saw a mom with a newborn in my coffee shop just like I was 5 years ago and thought that she has no idea what she will be feeling in 5 years when that baby starts kindergarten and gets teased for the first time... it made me long for the days of total "control" with my son in my lap...

The father's actions make it quite apparent that this child is likely behaving exactly as you suspect and now it is crystal clear where he has learned it. Although it may sound dramatic, when I have seen bullying shows such as Oprah's, I was frightened by what it can lead to for the victims. I am sure you have feared such things too. While you don't know what your child is doing or not to deal with it, you do know he is not happy. Help him everyway you can. Document everything you see/know, report the father to the police (would not surprise me if he abuses someone too) and do whatever you can to assertively and calmly work with the school to help your son.

Check the net for websites about anti-bully programs so you can learn strategies to help him and educate your school district - go to the superintendent if the principal won't help. Email them both stories about young kids who are pushed to the brink by bullying and beg them to help you avoid this for your child. Pursue a counselor with this type of experience. I am sure you have told him that you love him and that you understand if this is happening how hard it might be for him to tell you about it. But keep encouraging him to share and finally, encourage him to stick up for himself. That is something every expert was clear on in reports I have viewed - show the bully that you are willing to fight back. Maybe he already is and it's helping or perhaps it is not... maybe he's become a bully too... you just do not know and need to do all you can to find out and help him which I am sure you already know and are feeling desperate to do. I will be thinking of him and hoping for some resolution that helps your son soon.

Sharing a locker with him - what kind of sick joke is that?!?!?

sydnerella's mama

 

[WantToGoNow]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I know my son is not an angel and he did not say he did not step on the boys foot - he said he did. But he said he did not push him. My son is 8 years old, 54" tall and weighs 83 lbs. He not a small child by any means. However, this other boy is 10 years old, about a head taller and atleast 25 lbs. heavier than my son. I get the impression from my ds that he is not the only child bullied by this kid.

The locker situation was coincidence - our last name starts with H, his with K - the lockers are assigned alphabetical. My son loves school, he loves going to school, he loves this techer (did not love last years teacher). He was so excited for school to start. When we saw that class listing, his only comment was "great, now I'll get hit every day".

The teacher said that she would be watching them both as did the principal. I will wait to see what happens. I was more concerned that this adult man would feel comfortable enough to threaten another persons child - it really makes me wonder what goes on in their home.