Another "is this tacky" question

[Tiggerific04]

DF and I decided that we are only inviting immediate family to the wedding. His family is huge and we just don't have the money or the desire to have a big wedding and reception. Anyway, it will be: me, DF, MOH (my best friend), her guest, DF's oldest brother & his wife and their two kids, his middle brother and guest, DF's parents and my parents.

My MOH wants to throw me a shower sometime before the wedding, and she wants to invite my friends and other people that are not coming to the actual wedding. I told her that I didn't think this was right... isn't it rude to throw a party and expect people to bring presents, but not to invite them to the wedding itself? DF's mom, his sister in law, my mom, and my aunt have all asked about a shower as well, so maybe I'm wrong?

What would you do? Would you feel odd being invited to a shower but not the wedding?

 

[princessdisneybelle]

I don't think so. Just explain you want a small intimate wedding. This would be a way for them to celebrate with you

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I don't know. I kind of feel the same way as you do. My DH2B and I have gone back and forth on whether or not to do an intimate wedding. I would feel uncomfortable being around his and my extended family at the shower when they weren't invited to the wedding, but that's just me. I know members of both of our extended family would be talking behind our backs that "they're good enough to bring presents but not good enough to invite to the wedding" even if that wasn't the case. But we're not very close to them and I know if I invite them they won't come all the way to Florida anyways. Good luck with your decision!

 

[Gina Loves Disney]

I am going to be honest here because I think you would appreciate the honesty, and you're leaning towards my side anyway.... sooooo... yes, I think it's inappropiate. I plan on having an Intimate as well and I won't be having a shower for the same reasons. People who go to the shower expect to go to the wedding.

On the other hand, your husband can have a "stag" because that kind of event there are no gifts, just $ from tickets, so it's different, usually people who attend have no plans to go to the wedding, and sometimes don't even know the couple.

But I would pass on the shower, I am going to.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

maybe the difference with mine is that its family that want to come to the wedding but can't. they are coming to the at home reception. so i guess the difference would be. they Were invited. wow so many things to concider.

 

[Tiggerific04]

I am going to be honest here because I think you would appreciate the honesty, and you're leaning towards my side anyway.... sooooo... yes, I think it's inappropiate. I plan on having an Intimate as well and I won't be having a shower for the same reasons. People who go to the shower expect to go to the wedding.

On the other hand, your husband can have a "stag" because that kind of event there are no gifts, just $ from tickets, so it's different, usually people who attend have no plans to go to the wedding, and sometimes don't even know the couple.

But I would pass on the shower, I am going to.

Yeah, that's why I told her not to do it. I just wanted more opinions since now other people are asking me about it as well. It just feels wrong, though! Thanks

 

[Tiggerific04]

maybe the difference with mine is that its family that want to come to the wedding but can't. they are coming to the at home reception. so i guess the difference would be. they Were invited. wow so many things to concider.

I think I would be ok with it if we were having something at home, but we're not. Well, we're having a small ceremony at the church later on, but that'll probably just be the two of us. I think I'll stick with my gut reaction and not have one. Thank you!

 

[princessdisneybelle]

I think I would be ok with it if we were having something at home, but we're not. Well, we're having a small ceremony at the church later on, but that'll probably just be the two of us. I think I'll stick with my gut reaction and not have one. Thank you!

Yep can't go wrong with that

 

[Tiggerific04]

"they're good enough to bring presents but not good enough to invite to the wedding" even if that wasn't the case.

Exactly! That's what I said, but my MOH says that they should understand that we can't afford to invite everyone. I just know if it were the other way around, I'd think the person was rude

OT: I totally need to learn how to quote multiple people in my responses

 

[NeverlandClub23]

OT: I totally need to learn how to quote multiple people in my responses

Don't worry, I STILL don't know (or care) how to do that either.

 

[Sparkles9306]

If she really wants to throw a shower, and you're up for some girly celebration, she could throw a pre-wedding party, and let people know not to bring gifts. That way you can celebrate with your friends and family w/o feeling guilty that their bringing gifts but not coming to the wedding.

 

[JandJ]

I see both sides on this, but here is what happened to me - I started to plan the wedding and we decided on an Intimate and then an at-home reception about a month later. My mom was very involved and went dress shopping with me, chose the caterer and cake designer and the country club hall with me. My mom passed 4 months before the wedding. The day after she passed DH and I sat down with my daddy and we decided to cancel the at-home reception. A party was not only inappropriate but no one was feeling up to it and without mom to plan with me I didn't want to do it anymore. My friends and my mom had planned a shower for 2 months before the wedding and when mom passed my friends still planned it. Many of my friends and family were invited and they all knew we canceled the at-home reception and still came and brought gifts. One month before the wedding my friends threw me a bachelorette party and they all knew they weren't coming to the wedding. Two weeks before the wedding my co-workers threw me a surprise shower and they all knew they weren't invited. I know I had extenuating circumstances, but I guess my point is, if people want to throw you a party and it's known that they won't be invited to the wedding (or an at-home reception) but they still want to do it, let them! They want to celebrate your marriage with you and throwing you a shower or bachelorette party is there way of doing it! Is it against etiquette to invite people to a shower and not the wedding, yes, and I'm usually a stickler for etiquette, but I think with a destination wedding there needs to be "new" etiquette

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

If your MOH decides she wants to throw you a shower & you feel its inappropriate...i would ask her to make it a gathering and note on the invite "no gifts please".
Then you can make it a send off party and make it a fun event and have some games & good food.

Your MOH has good intentions & maybe she loves to do nice things for people & this is fun for her.

Whatever happens I hope it works out & you have fun

 

[DisBride2007]

My mom didn't want to throw me a shower for the reasons stated above. I personally thought it was a gyp. The way I understand it, people give gifts for a shower (usually from a registry) AND for a wedding (usually $$$). So if they are invited to the shower and not the wedding, they only give one gift. I agree that for a destination wedding, there should be different rules. I didn't get to celebrate my wedding with anyone who wasn't related to me. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a "shower," maybe some kind of celebratory party would be nice. Is it too late for an engagement party?

 

[Gina Loves Disney]

My mom didn't want to throw me a shower for the reasons stated above. I personally thought it was a gyp. The way I understand it, people give gifts for a shower (usually from a registry) AND for a wedding (usually $$$). So if they are invited to the shower and not the wedding, they only give one gift. I agree that for a destination wedding, there should be different rules. I didn't get to celebrate my wedding with anyone who wasn't related to me. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a "shower," maybe some kind of celebratory party would be nice. Is it too late for an engagement party?

I never thought of that, but now that you mention it, you have a good point.

 

[Tiggerific04]

My mom didn't want to throw me a shower for the reasons stated above. I personally thought it was a gyp. The way I understand it, people give gifts for a shower (usually from a registry) AND for a wedding (usually $$$). So if they are invited to the shower and not the wedding, they only give one gift. I agree that for a destination wedding, there should be different rules. I didn't get to celebrate my wedding with anyone who wasn't related to me. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a "shower," maybe some kind of celebratory party would be nice. Is it too late for an engagement party?

You know, that's true. I didn't even think about it that way. I did have a small engagement party (also thrown by my MOH)... it was just me, DF, her and a couple of my friends. She also suggested a co-ed pre-wedding party so that everyone can just get together, but I still felt like people would feel obligated to bring a gift to that. Hmm...

 

[princessblueeyzes]

I did the same thing, only invited immediate family members and my bff to the wedding. My bff decided to throw me a shower before the wedding. It was so cool to see everyone so excited even if they weren't going to the wedding. They did make me promise to bring pictures back after the wedding so they could see.

 

[DisneyFairy19]

I agree with you.. but if you have understanding friends I think it would fine... Just let them know about your situation.... Plus your shower can be a celebration with them.. GL

 

[Maggimus]

I do not knwo what is right or wrong... but we chose not to do a wedding shower because I couldnt ask those people to bring me gifts and not come to the wedding..


We did have an at-home reception after our wedding and we invited all of those people who would have come to the shower, our friends and family who didnt go to the wedding, etc. We ended up with a loaded over present table. We didnt expect it, but we were glad we did it this way. They got to share in our joy (and we fed them... so atleast made it okay to receive a gift- they did get something out of it).

GL with your decision!

 

[DisneyBrideWannabe]

Well, people brings gifts to a house warming party, but they don't get to live in the house; baby showers, but they don't get invited to the birth; engagement party with no expectations of being invited to anything; etc... People should be bringing a gift out of good will, not b/c they expect anything in return. When invited to a wedding that I can't attend I still send a $$$ gift.
Make it an engagement/bridal party or have a Jack n Jill (co-ed) with food, games etc... People will being gifts to attend the shower, not to attend the wedding. As stated before, they only need to buy one gift, not two. At the shower take a moment to thank anyone and explain how you wish you could invite everyone but this was the best option for you, and you wanted to have the shower to spend wedding time with all your family, even it is before the actual event