Sorry this is really long but I have to get this out because it is bothering me...
I have a pretty good relationship with my FMIL - we talk a lot and generally get along very well. DF teases me that I know more about what goes on in his family than he does. That said, she's done a few things lately that are putting me in an awkward position.
First was when we started talking about getting engaged and planning a wedding - she made it clear they could not afford to contribute financially which was fine by us as we had been planning on paying for the wedding ourselves. As we talked about possible locations and plans my FMIL got upset that I didn't see the need to run the ideas by DF's older sister. My reaction was (but I phrased it much more nicely) IT'S NOT HER WEDDING!
The second thing was once we had actually gotten engaged - my mother has begun making plans to give DF and I an engagement party. She has thrown one for each of my step-siblings so it was pretty clear she was going to throw one for us. Now, my family is large (over 100 of us) so we already have a big guest list. My mom also planned to invite DF's parents, sis, and his aunts and uncles (another 15 people) plus a couple of our very close friends (6). My FMIL wants all the cousins invited (roughly 38 more people) and a bunch of her friends! She is not looking to have a separate party which is fine by us but she doesn't like that she can't invite whom she wants to my mother's party.
The third thing which is what really has gotten to me was something she said the other night. DF and I made little booklets as an engagement announcement/save the date to send out to everyone which include a response card indicating basic interest in attending so we know just how large a wedding we are looking at.
My FMIL was helping me assemble them and finally gave me the list of people we are supposed to send them to on their side. I had asked that she start marking who is A list and who is B list so we can see what we are dealing with. As we're doing the booklets she said to me "I know you haven't looked at my list yet but I counted and you need to send out over 50 booklets and invitations just to our side - which is well over 100 guests so you are only going to have room for 40 of your family members." I was stunned and said something about not everyone will be coming on either side despite what they are saying now.
She dropped the subject and I mentioned it to DF later when we were alone and told him I was a little surprised by the comment. He said not to worry we'll be trimming the list on both sides. Then we were talking about his mother's list and he made some changes to it - removed a couple of people he no longer speaks to, added a few she had forgotten, etc.
I had to ask her about a few of the addresses on the list because they were incomplete and she saw the changes that had been made and asked about them. I told her it was DF's decision and she said she'd have to see about that and then she made the remark about me not having a lot of room for my family again. This time I said we will be cutting names on both sides not just mine to make sure we have the people important to both of us there which was why I had asked her to use an A list and a B list. She told me she did (her B list had 3 names on it) by not including her sister's best friend and her daughter's godmother. I said I know it's tough to leave people out but there was no way we could include everyone on her list and on my mom's list and just as I told my mom to try harder at cutting people, she would have to do the same, otherwise she was going to run the risk of DF and I cutting someone that really was important to her.
Well can you imagine how well that went over? She was clearly surprised I even said anything like that to her but I get the impression she thinks she can convince DF to agree with her not me. She kind of runs hot and cold over the whole Disney wedding to begin with - I am hearing more and more comments about my "untraditional" wedding but I have just let them pass because I figure as we make more of the plans and things come together she'll see our wedding is really going to be special. I just really can't get over she would even think for a second that I would leave my first cousins off the list to be able to include his second cousins!
I have a pretty good relationship with my FMIL - we talk a lot and generally get along very well. DF teases me that I know more about what goes on in his family than he does. That said, she's done a few things lately that are putting me in an awkward position.
First was when we started talking about getting engaged and planning a wedding - she made it clear they could not afford to contribute financially which was fine by us as we had been planning on paying for the wedding ourselves. As we talked about possible locations and plans my FMIL got upset that I didn't see the need to run the ideas by DF's older sister. My reaction was (but I phrased it much more nicely) IT'S NOT HER WEDDING!
The second thing was once we had actually gotten engaged - my mother has begun making plans to give DF and I an engagement party. She has thrown one for each of my step-siblings so it was pretty clear she was going to throw one for us. Now, my family is large (over 100 of us) so we already have a big guest list. My mom also planned to invite DF's parents, sis, and his aunts and uncles (another 15 people) plus a couple of our very close friends (6). My FMIL wants all the cousins invited (roughly 38 more people) and a bunch of her friends! She is not looking to have a separate party which is fine by us but she doesn't like that she can't invite whom she wants to my mother's party.
The third thing which is what really has gotten to me was something she said the other night. DF and I made little booklets as an engagement announcement/save the date to send out to everyone which include a response card indicating basic interest in attending so we know just how large a wedding we are looking at.
My FMIL was helping me assemble them and finally gave me the list of people we are supposed to send them to on their side. I had asked that she start marking who is A list and who is B list so we can see what we are dealing with. As we're doing the booklets she said to me "I know you haven't looked at my list yet but I counted and you need to send out over 50 booklets and invitations just to our side - which is well over 100 guests so you are only going to have room for 40 of your family members." I was stunned and said something about not everyone will be coming on either side despite what they are saying now.
She dropped the subject and I mentioned it to DF later when we were alone and told him I was a little surprised by the comment. He said not to worry we'll be trimming the list on both sides. Then we were talking about his mother's list and he made some changes to it - removed a couple of people he no longer speaks to, added a few she had forgotten, etc.
I had to ask her about a few of the addresses on the list because they were incomplete and she saw the changes that had been made and asked about them. I told her it was DF's decision and she said she'd have to see about that and then she made the remark about me not having a lot of room for my family again. This time I said we will be cutting names on both sides not just mine to make sure we have the people important to both of us there which was why I had asked her to use an A list and a B list. She told me she did (her B list had 3 names on it) by not including her sister's best friend and her daughter's godmother. I said I know it's tough to leave people out but there was no way we could include everyone on her list and on my mom's list and just as I told my mom to try harder at cutting people, she would have to do the same, otherwise she was going to run the risk of DF and I cutting someone that really was important to her.
Well can you imagine how well that went over? She was clearly surprised I even said anything like that to her but I get the impression she thinks she can convince DF to agree with her not me. She kind of runs hot and cold over the whole Disney wedding to begin with - I am hearing more and more comments about my "untraditional" wedding but I have just let them pass because I figure as we make more of the plans and things come together she'll see our wedding is really going to be special. I just really can't get over she would even think for a second that I would leave my first cousins off the list to be able to include his second cousins!
She is not paying a dime, my parents are paying for everything by the way. She also said we were spending way too much $ on the wedding, and that we should just have a reception at Olive Garden.
