Another "bad parent" award winner here..... NOT! (long vent to follow)

[Claudia1]

In my DS's eyes, I am evil incarnate this morning. However, I know I did the right thing.

He is a good kid, really. He got his driver's license 3 weeks ago and does well but he is still a young driver. Over the last 3 days, he has had several typical moments of teenager rolling eyes, not doing his household chores, not-so-pleasant attitude when I need him to help around the house for a few minutes. I know it is normal teenager pulling-away stuff but he has also had some issues of disrespect.

He was mad this morning for no good reason and I did not let him drive to school. I was not going to let him drive irresponsibly. Period. End of statement.

Yesterday, he got upset over a little thing (teen angst) and I told him that he was not going to drive anymore when he was upset. I warned him in advance. So, this morning, he got mad when I reminded him that I needed his drums out of the garage so that I can set up for a garage sale. I told him two days ago that it had to be done before his morning. He waited too late and got upset with me.

After the minor incidents of the last few days and the warning, I took the car keys. He is a good kid and we will get past this tonight, he will learn, and we will move on. I would rather have him mad at me now than have an accident or hurt anybody else later.

Here come the vent....

This was our not-so-calm conversation on the way to school:

Everybody else is gone all the time and never at home. It is stupid that you make me stay home all the time.
The reality: He has lots of band & after school activities and last week he was home one evening and we made him stay home Sunday with us because he was with his girlfriend Friday and gone from 8:30am to 10pm with 2 band contests and time with friends on Saturday. He also had homework to do. This week he will be home one evening (tonight). Note to self: prepare for battle!

Nobody else's parents give their kids chores. They don't care what they do.
The reality: He could do all of his household chores in 1 hour each week if he didn't mess around. 2 hours when the lawn needs mowed. I don't care what other familes do, we are going to teach him to step up and work. Honestly, he could do more around the house but he is also learning a work ethic from his school activities so I don't push it.

Nobody else has to pay for their gas.
The reality: We are providing the car, insurance, and gas for school & all activities that we would normally drive him to. Going to his girlfriends and other personal activities, he needs to chip in for gas.

You treat me like a 10 year old.
The reality: He has a very good life and he needs to assume the responsiblities of being 16, almost 17. Sorry, but that is life and we want to prepare you for it.

Ok, vent over. I know that he will be calm this evening and all will be well. He is like that. It is the way he processes life as a teenager and I would rather we do this now instead of dealing with the aftermath as an adult. He really is a good kid and other parents tell me the same.

Flame away.....

 

[Christine]

No flames, you are doing a great job.

We parents certainly do bear the brunt of those teen moods. I'm not sure which age is worse, the terrible two or the teen years. No, I'm sure. It's the teen years.

 

[kellyg403]

No flames from me OP. I agree with you. All teens think they are the most abused, treated like a child the most, shouldn't have to help with anything..etc....the list goes on. Its part of being a teen, that sefishness and the idea they know it all. I am firmly in the camp that being a parent doesn't end when you turn that magical teenager. We have given them the tools to succeed but it is still our job to rein them in when they cross those invisible boundaries. He will be just fine.

The good news is 25 years from now, he will call and tell you he had to do this to his ds or dd! Those are thoughts that get me through...knowing that someday they will see where we are coming from. A lesson we all had to learn!

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

"You treat me like a 10yo", my response to that is, don't act like one.

 

[ckay87]

I've heard most of that before, too. I can't bring myself to argue with them, I'd never win. My typical response to each item is "yea yea yea, tough sh--" And yes, that's usually exactly what I say. So now who is mother of the year, huh???

 

[Jennasis]

Is he your only kid? Sounds like super-typical teen behavior to me. In fact, it sounds EXACTLY like me when I was a teen. Your're doin' fine mom. Keep on keepin' on!

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

Why flames? It sounds like you do a great job as a parent!

That is how I was raised, and I am better now because of it!

Your son sounds like my younger brother. He is quite the handful too.

 

[2specialkids]

You're doing a great job! My parents did the same with me and I plan to do the same with DD. I already get these kinds of responses (minus the driving since she's only 13).
I'm not looking forward to the arguments but, hey, in the real world you have to work, pay for things yourself and do "chores" like it or not.
I think you're doing the right thing and more parents should follow your lead.

 

[MineMail]

Bravo! I think your rules and actions are entirely reasonable, especially since you gave him fair warning.

We just sold our third car when our oldest reneged on the agreement and REFUSED to get a summer job because of the "everyone else..." nonsense. She bummed rides off of her friends all summer since she didn't have access to a car. We also refused to give her money for concert tickets and "fun money," so she missed out on a bunch of things.

The tough-guy approach is paying off - she's now talking about buying her own car and just landed a part-time job at college. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope.

She's terrible at budgeting, even though we did it together at the start of term. That's our next challenge with her, given the fees she's paid by overdrawing her account repeatedly.

 

[Rora]

OP, I think you're doing a great job.

No flames here.

 

[ilovejack02]

All totally typical teen responses , doesnt make any less annoying lol!

My mom always told me when I pulled the no one else has to card...... "That is just too bad.. in our house we have rules. "

I have said the same thing over and over again to my 20 yr old.. he finally grew out of it most of that teen angst stuff by about 18. Hormones make you crazy.. even the boys.

Good luck Mom... just let him survive the teenage years and he will turn back into a sane person in a cpl more yrs.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

No flames from me, I prefer the sarcastic bon mot with my kids...

Everybody else is gone all the time and never at home. It is stupid that you make me stay home all the time.

You're welcome to go live at everyone else's house.

Nobody else's parents give their kids chores. They don't care what they do.

Tell me again how it's a plus for those kids to be filthy and ignored?

Nobody else has to pay for their gas.

Somebody has to support Saudi Arabia, looks like it's going to be you, kid.

You treat me like a 10 year old.

Stop acting like a ten year old and I'll stop treating you like a ten year old.

 

[Darcy03231]

No flames here.

My teens (DD-18, DS - 16) have daily chores (30 min to half an hour) plus DS mows the lawn.

While we bought the cars they have to pay for all their gas and 1/2 their car insurance. They both have part-time jobs and are required to deposit half their earnings into savings for college.

Unless they're working a late shift they're required to be in by 9:00 p.m. on school nights and 12:30 pm on Friday/Saturday.

Sounds like you're doing good job to me.

 

[shortbun]

In my DS's eyes, I am evil incarnate this morning. However, I know I did the right thing.

He is a good kid, really. He got his driver's license 3 weeks ago and does well but he is still a young driver. Over the last 3 days, he has had several typical moments of teenager rolling eyes, not doing his household chores, not-so-pleasant attitude when I need him to help around the house for a few minutes. I know it is normal teenager pulling-away stuff but he has also had some issues of disrespect.

He was mad this morning for no good reason and I did not let him drive to school. I was not going to let him drive irresponsibly. Period. End of statement.

Yesterday, he got upset over a little thing (teen angst) and I told him that he was not going to drive anymore when he was upset. I warned him in advance. So, this morning, he got mad when I reminded him that I needed his drums out of the garage so that I can set up for a garage sale. I told him two days ago that it had to be done before his morning. He waited too late and got upset with me.

After the minor incidents of the last few days and the warning, I took the car keys. He is a good kid and we will get past this tonight, he will learn, and we will move on. I would rather have him mad at me now than have an accident or hurt anybody else later.

Here come the vent....

This was our not-so-calm conversation on the way to school:

Everybody else is gone all the time and never at home. It is stupid that you make me stay home all the time.
The reality: He has lots of band & after school activities and last week he was home one evening and we made him stay home Sunday with us because he was with his girlfriend Friday and gone from 8:30am to 10pm with 2 band contests and time with friends on Saturday. He also had homework to do. This week he will be home one evening (tonight). Note to self: prepare for battle!

Nobody else's parents give their kids chores. They don't care what they do.
The reality: He could do all of his household chores in 1 hour each week if he didn't mess around. 2 hours when the lawn needs mowed. I don't care what other familes do, we are going to teach him to step up and work. Honestly, he could do more around the house but he is also learning a work ethic from his school activities so I don't push it.

Nobody else has to pay for their gas.
The reality: We are providing the car, insurance, and gas for school & all activities that we would normally drive him to. Going to his girlfriends and other personal activities, he needs to chip in for gas.

You treat me like a 10 year old.
The reality: He has a very good life and he needs to assume the responsiblities of being 16, almost 17. Sorry, but that is life and we want to prepare you for it.

Ok, vent over. I know that he will be calm this evening and all will be well. He is like that. It is the way he processes life as a teenager and I would rather we do this now instead of dealing with the aftermath as an adult. He really is a good kid and other parents tell me the same.

Flame away.....

Re-read your post, it will make you laugh. Sounds like you love him a lot and he loves you!!! You have a great kid there and he'll be a wonderful adult because of you. You guys need some coded word or signal that will diffuse situations like these and make you laugh. I always raise my eyebrows, look up and say, " in case you doubt it, I can still take you." His friends insist I can, lol. I can't but that's what makes it funny. I control the money, the transportation, the TVs, the entertainment.....I AM the boss of the applesauce. I think a little well directed humor deflects these kinds of conflicts. Try it.

 

[Rose&Mike]

OP--except for some minor details, I could have written this word for word in the past. It was hard sometimes being the parent with rules and expectations. We even got the argument "kids of parents who are strict rebel in college." My husband told DS to have fun with that when he's in college, but get over it.

Anyhow, this summer before he left for college, DS thanked us for making him work in school and for making him be responsible. It was quite the moment.

So, stick with it, I think you're doing a great job. Even if DS wouldn't have thanked us, I can see how well he's doing, and that makes all the teen angst worth it! It really is such a short period of their lives, and it's over so fast.

 

[KAMKIM]

I've heard most of that before, too. I can't bring myself to argue with them, I'd never win. My typical response to each item is "yea yea yea, tough sh--" And yes, that's usually exactly what I say. So now who is mother of the year, huh???

 

[minniecarousel]

Sounds like you know your son pretty well. Stay tough.

I wouldn't want to go back to the teen years! Those were tough.

 

[MickeySP]

MY BF is going throug hthis with 18yo DS, senior in hs. I am an adult!! If I hear that one more time I may interject(ok just kidding - his kid his battle) I provide moral support for Ed.

I think you are doing great job. I was the same with my DS(now 25) and he did pretty well in the end. You are calm and concise, seem you listen and don't just react so WTG!!!!

When Nick(ED's kid) looks to me for help - my answer act like an adult, I'll treat as one.

 

[minkydog]

In my DS's eyes, I am evil incarnate this morning. However, I know I did the right thing.



Here come the vent....

This was our not-so-calm conversation on the way to school:

Everybody else is gone all the time and never at home. It is stupid that you make me stay home all the time.

Nobody else's parents give their kids chores. They don't care what they do.

Nobody else has to pay for their gas.


You treat me like a 10 year old.


Ok, vent over. I know that he will be calm this evening and all will be well. He is like that. It is the way he processes life as a teenager and I would rather we do this now instead of dealing with the aftermath as an adult. He really is a good kid and other parents tell me the same.

Flame away.....

He is so full of it! You are NOT a bad parent. I wish more parents would set boundaries with their kids. Just judging by his reaction it seems as if you have found the sweet spot. And just so you know, he is NOT the only one. Teenagers have been complaining about this stuff since the age of enlightenment. They need to be pulling there weight in your home, doing chores, doing homework. Parents are NOT required to pay for his love life, however.

I went through the same thing with my oldest. He had been toeing the line until the last 6 months when he lost his job and decided the rules no longer applied to him. Six weeks ago he threw a tantrum because we required him to either go to college or get a job doing SOMETHING, clean his room, do household chores, and pay rent or work it off doing projects around the house. He's 23, certainly old enough to pull his weight--and did I mention DH is disabled and I've been on disability for the past 11 months?? Sheesh.

Our weapon of choice is the internet. DS wanted to stay up all night playing World of Warcraft, then sleep all day--and he wondered why he couldn't get a job? so we cut of the DSL. That was it! He moved out within 30 min of the DSL going off. Ho-hum. Maybe he can find some place to live for free, sleep all day, not work and have free DSL.

Act like a 10 year old and you get treated like a 10 year old. Except that at 23 you can kick them to the curb and NOT have CPS out looking for you.

 

[Claudia1]

Thanks, everybody, for the encouragement!!!!! I knew I could count on my DIS family for support. You have all given me wonderful coping mechanisms.

"I AM the boss of the applesauce"

"Stop acting like a ten year old and I'll stop treating you like a ten year old."
(and all of Kickapoo Joie Juice's comments)

"That is just too bad.. in our house we have rules. "

He is not our one & only but his older sister had lots of mental health issues from her biological mother, so he is our first typical teen. About the time he grows out of this, our DGD that we are raising will be approaching her teen years. I am 55 yrs old...... taking her thru her teens will be ..... um.... scary.

(BTW, I should have added to my flames comment. I was just too much in the moment of stress to remember that detail!)