An Ignorant Question about Teenagers

[Maleficent13]

I do not have a teenager. I will, though, in several years, and after reading so many of the teenage question threads, I just had to ask this. I hope I don't need a flame suit (I did say it was an ignorant question).

Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? I mean, rather than letting them scream at their siblings, mope around the house, spew rudeness, be sulky, etc. Instead of trying to get them to "talk about their feelings", does anyone ever just say, "You are a part of this family and you will treat everyone in it with respect. If you do not do so, there will be consequences."

My brother and I would never have dared to act the way I read (and see IRL)some of these kids acting. We were never struck by either parent (well, maybe swatted as toddlers but never hit, and certainly not at that age). We were expected to act appropriately and we did. If I'd have ever behaved rudely to either parent (or anyone else for that matter), there'd have been no "talking" about it. It would have been a one-sided conversation in which my mom or dad would have said, "You are behaving like a brat; you will stop now or you will be sorry." Believe me, we stopped.

I of course am not talking about any child with developmental issues; just your normal, average, run of the mill teenagers.

 

[Cindyluwho]

ITA!!!!

 

[eeyore kelly]

I have 2 pre-teens. One 12 almost 13 and one 9 almost ten. I tell them both variations of get over it on small dramas of their own making.

Bigger problems are handled differently.

 

[phorsenuf]

I guess I am old school parenting. LOL I do not tip-toe around my kids. I don't like how they are acting they are called on it. Plain and simple. I see plenty of kids whose parents don't and it drives me nuts! Sometimes I wish we could just go back in time when parents were allowed to parent!

 

[Galahad]

Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? I mean, rather than letting them scream at their siblings, mope around the house, spew rudeness, be sulky, etc. Instead of trying to get them to "talk about their feelings", does anyone ever just say, "You are a part of this family and you will treat everyone in it with respect. If you do not do so, there will be consequences."

Sure we do. Just because they aren't always able to comply doesn't mean you don't require good behavior.

 

[TEENEE]

Most of the time my kids are pretty good. My ds is 14, dd is 10. They do on occassion try to act like brats, although I have to add they have been really good lately. I found that when they started getting mouthy it was because they were over tired. When they act up I usually send them to their rooms and tell them they can come out when they can act human again. I don't understand parents that let their kids walk all over them.

 

[poohandwendy]

Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? I mean, rather than letting them scream at their siblings, mope around the house, spew rudeness, be sulky, etc. Instead of trying to get them to "talk about their feelings", does anyone ever just say, "You are a part of this family and you will treat everyone in it with respect. If you do not do so, there will be consequences."

YES, we do. There are definite consquences for disrespectful behavior in our home. To be honest, we really never have had to deal with that much with our teens because there were consequences when they were younger. Setting the foundation for appropriate and acceptable behavior starts WAAAAAAY before puberty. They just flat out know better.

Most of the disciplinary actions we have had to take with our teens have had to do with dropped grades or not cleaning their rooms (LOL), not disrespectful behavior.

 

[Maleficent13]

Sure we do. Just because they aren't always able to comply doesn't mean you don't require good behavior.

Maybe it's because I had a big lunch and I'm sleepy, but I don't understand this answer.

They aren't always able to comply with not being bratty? Is that what you meant?

 

[kasar]

I always try to keep in mind how much is going on in their lives and I TRY not to come down too hard on the little stuff, but we have a level of respect in this house and to me, there is no excuse for outright rudeness. It's just one thing I don't tolerate. If you're grouchy it's perfectly okay to go up to your room and take a little "time out" (ha, thought those days were past me!) but when you are around others, especially adults, you better check the attitude.

I don't like when teenagers give monosyllabic answers and stare at the ground. I always point it out to my dd's and say, "see how that looks?".

But having said all that, I do remember how awful I felt during those years! I try to keep in mind that sometimes it's the hormones talking (not an excuse, just reality, we need to treat our teenagers kindly too).

 

[KimR]

I have a 13-year-old DD and I have to agree with you. She is a delight to be around but if she ever tries to pull an attitude around here she would discover how miserable life could be. She has it pretty good though and she's smart enough to realize it so I don't anticipate any major problems.

 

[poohandwendy]

Sometimes I wish we could just go back in time when parents were allowed to parent!

We are still allowed to parent. I don't go for allowing society to dictate my parental decisions. LOL, I have always (laughingly) told my kids..."hey, if you think we are mean or cruel or unfair...call 911 and have the police take you away to foster care"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh yea. I think we are on #1,000,000. This is our older dd who is 14.

In fact last night we had such a conversation with her. But she was always like this. Nothing different here. In fact she is better now she is a teen.

 

[Sandy V.]

Sure we do. Just because they aren't always able to comply doesn't mean you don't require good behavior.

Absolutely. Good behavior is expected; but in their quest for independence teens do challenge your decisions often. Just like adults do, when you really think about it. I just see it as part of the growing up process. They want SO much to be seen as young adults, but they don't have the ability to pull it off yet.

We don't tolerate disrespect and I could care less what the "cool" kids and parents are doing elsewhere. Our rules are well-reasoned and you follow them in our house, or there's heck to pay.

 

[NMAmy]

Ah, Mal, just you wait till Hepzibah Matilda becomes a teenager!

I really remember the emotional ups and downs of being a teenager but I try not to get drawn into the drama with dd. I think the fact that I'm nearing menopause and having my own hormonal fluctuations makes me a bit more understanding (unless I'm in the midst of a fluctuation myself. Then I'm a freak show. )

I've talked to dd after the occasional meltdown and she's apologized telling me she had no idea why she acted like that but couldn't stop it. Since I'm sometimes the same way, we cut each other a bit of slack in that dept.

With that said, dd knows that if she's in a foul humor that she stays in her room till she's over it--Mommy doesn't want to play. It's easier on everyone that way. Thankfully, now that she' almost 15, it happens a lot less.

She has no siblings at our house so that's not an issue. She is expected to treat DH and I respectfully (actually, she adores her step-dad so that's not an issue) and to abide by our rules and get good grades. There are consequences for improper behavior.

She has one friend in particular who is manipulative, runs wild, and plays her divorcing parents off each other. It makes me crazy.

Being the parent of a teenager is the hardest job I've ever had. I'm just getting through every day by the seat of my pants. You have to decide how much independence is appropriate and when to rein them back in. Do I make mistakes? You can bet your bottom dollar on that one but I'm doing the best I know how. But if she keeps on the way she is now at 15, I know she'll be a great young adult. Keeping my fingers crossed!

 

[grinningghost]

When my DD gets an attitude that just doesn't fly, I read her the riot act. DH reads her the riot act even more often, although I think he overreacts to trivial BS.

 

[Galahad]

Maybe it's because I had a big lunch and I'm sleepy, but I don't understand this answer.

They aren't always able to comply with not being bratty? Is that what you meant?

They asked : "Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? " I said yes we do require them to behave well, even though they don't always succeed.

 

[experiment626mom]

We tell my stepson (17) to get over it all the time. We've been known to tell all the kids that the world does not revolve around them and that the real world will not be as kind to them as the family is.

 

[grinningghost]

They asked : "Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? " I said yes we do require them to behave well, even though they don't always succeed.

Galahad, I think I get what you're saying. Sometimes it's like beating a dead horse with teenagers. You tell them, they might even listen, but then they throw attitude at you the next time they see you. It's hormonal - it has to be.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it is important to note that even though we all may not allow disrespect, that does not mean that teens won't have their moments and push the envelope. It's a very normal part of breaking away and becoming independent. As parents, it is our job to recognize that while we expect respect at all times, we have to leave room for bad days...just like adults, they aren't perfect.


I think maybe that is what Galahad was getting at.

 

[Maleficent13]

They asked : "Does anyone ever just tell their kid to get over it and start acting right? " I said yes we do require them to behave well, even though they don't always succeed.

Ah - I get it now. Of course they aren't always going to succeed. But it's the way some parents don't even try that baffles me. There's a thread on another board where someone's 11 yr old is acting horribly...more like a 2 yr old than an 11 yr old. And it's kind of like the parents are just sighing and saying, "oh, well, that's just how they are".

Oh, Amy...if Hepzibah has half the stubbornness of me and SO, I am IN for it when she hits puberty! This I already know. That's why I try to pay attention now...taking notes for later!