An Adultery Poll

[NY Disney fan]

Just curious about which statement you agree with. Do you think someone who commits adultery (whether is be a short affair or a long-term affair) can still love their spouse?

ETA: apologize for my misspellings!!

 

[Deb in IA]

IdesOmarch, are you using an alias?

 

[DisneyScraps]

IdesOmarch, are you using an alias?

What happened to him, did he get run off the boards?

I think you can love someone and still do something terrible to them.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I think you can love someone and still do something terrible to them.

Can you explain the logic behind this statement..just curious.

 

[ols386]

Yes, I think you can still love your spouse, but to go out and have an affair does say that something within the marriage/relationship is missing or not right, IMO.

 

[Jewel1310]

Yes I think a cheater can still love their spouse. But I think they love themselves more. Their thoughts and behaviors are more focused on what they think they need at the moment then the long term goal as a couple or their spouse's feelings.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Can you explain the logic behind this statement..just curious.

Sure, I think that being unfaithful to someone is a terrible act. I think it's dishonest and I think it's wrong.

I think that treating someone this way does not mean you don't love them. It means you did something wrong. There are a lot of reasons someone is unfaithful. We are all flawed and people have the capacity to hurt people they love.

 

[cglaura]

Just curious about which statement you agree with. Do you think someone who commits adultery (whether is be a short affair or a long-term affair) can still love their spouse?

ETA: apologize for my misspellings!!

You can be in love with two people at the same time. So yes, I think you can still be in love with your spouse when you cheated. Not right, but there you go.

And, sometimes that act has nothing to do with love. Sometimes it is just, for lack of better word, playtime. This is not justification of breaking any vows, just saying, you don't have to love someone to do it, so you don't have to not love someone to do it w/ someone else.

If cheating is going on there are deeper issues going on, not so much a matter of love. Many people love each other, but just can't stay together.

 

[ReneeA]

Yes, I think you can still love your spouse, but to go out and have an affair does say that something within the marriage/relationship is missing or not right, IMO.

Or there's something missing within the person cheating. I do think you can love your spouse and still cheat. It's normally done to try and fill some hole in the soul if you will - I would go as far as to say it rarely has much to do with the current relationship.

Ever know those people that have all kinds of drama in their life and aren't truly happy unless their life (and everyone around them) is in turmoil? They run around trying everything to make themselves feel content, and have no idea how to truly just live. I think they can love their spouse, but are certainly not acting in a loving manner...it takes tons and tons of work (MOST on the part of the person who has cheated) to get a marriage back into shape after an affair...but it can certainly be done and thrive in the future.

 

[FireDancer]

IdesOmarch, are you using an alias?

8-Ball says Signs point to yes

As for the question, sure. Each situation is different. Sometimes you love your spouse but something is missing. Sometimes you love your spouse but still want some on the side for no good reason. Sometimes you don't love your spouse but out of convenience or because you don't want to lose half of your stuff you stay in the marriage. Sometimes you are just in denial.

In the end it is often forgotten that love and sex are not the same so I think you can love one person while sleeping with another. I'm not excusing it but it happens.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't know, but I lean towards the if you really loved your spouse, you wouldn't have cheated on them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe....

You will have some people that will love their spouse forever, no matter what. Now it does not mean you have to stay with the person however some part of you will always "love" that person, esp. if you share deep emotional bonds with the person.

You will have some people that do not even have the ability to really "love" or be intimate with someone to begin with. In other words their "love" with someone is something that they cannot deal with for whatever reason. They have to crash and burn it as a way out. Intimacy is just something they cannot handle.

Then you have people that "love the idea" of the person in the marriage. Take Arnold for example, he has an image that he wants to project and that is very important to him.

Then you have people that use poor judgment and then cheat. They are living in the moment not thinking about their spouse and the repercussions of their cheating.

Then you have people that think cheating in a marriage is something you do in a marriage. Does not mean you do not love your spouse, it just means that you are fulfilling sexual desires and has nothing to do with "being married".

 

[Aisling]

Sure, I think that being unfaithful to someone is a terrible act. I think it's dishonest and I think it's wrong.

I think that treating someone this way does not mean you don't love them. It means you did something wrong. There are a lot of reasons someone is unfaithful. We are all flawed and people have the capacity to hurt people they love.

I agree with this 100%. Loving your spouse doesn't mean you don't have weaknesses.

I remember when Frank Gifford slept with a flight attendant and cheated on Kathy Lee Gifford. She was devastated and people asked her how she could stay with him. (They did separate, not legally, for a few months while working it out.) She said because even though he hurt her to her core, she something like "how can I not try to forgive this man who has so much regret and is totally broken by what he did to me and to himself." She said they spend many crying hours together, many angry hours on her part, but she knew Frank loved her even though he was weak with this other woman.

That taught me something. Some men, and women, don't really love their spouses when they commit adultery, but I'm convinced many do.

By the way, Kathy Lee also said their marriage is better than it has ever been now because of the turmoil they worked through together.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I vote yes.

People do some stupid, stupid things sometimes.

And I think anyone who has an affair is doing it from something they are lacking or wanting at the time. As others have said its really selfish behavior.

That said, I think you can be selfish and hurtful towards someone and still love them.

 

[Mkrop]

For me it is the ulitmate betrayal, and instant dealbreaker.

Actions speak louder than words, so the action of cheating would tell me that they no longer loved their spouse to hurt them so deeply, they can say the words I love you all the want, they just would not indicate to me that this was valid

 

[Christine]

I think the cheater can "have love" for their spouse but I think the emotional connection and the "in love" portion for that spouse is gone.

Think about it--for those of you that truly are in love with your significant other and fully vested in them, the desire would probably not even be there to cheat.

I believe that once you start being open to other relationships, something in your original relationship has disappeared.

 

[GeorgeG]

Another yes here, but with qualifications. I believe you can love your spouse, or even love more than one person. You can also love your spouse and cheat with someone you don't love, whether it be out of weakness, sudden urge, or even opportunity. It's more a question of discipline. Everyone has desires, but in a commitment of marriage calls for discipline in control of those desires, urges, and weaknesses.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I remember when Frank Gifford slept with a flight attendant and cheated on Kathy Lee Gifford. She was devastated and people asked her how she could stay with him. (They did separate, not legally, for a few months while working it out.) She said because even though he hurt her to her core, she something like "how can I not try to forgive this man who has so much regret and is totally broken by what he did to me and to himself." She said they spend many crying hours together, many angry hours on her part, but she knew Frank loved her even though he was weak with this other woman.

To me that sounds like Kathy Lee giving their marriage a second chance, not Frank. Frank was trying to save face. We never know what is in the heart of man. I'm glad it worked out for them. I do think they love each other, now.

 

[ols386]

Or there's something missing within the person cheating. I do think you can love your spouse and still cheat. It's normally done to try and fill some hole in the soul if you will - I would go as far as to say it rarely has much to do with the current relationship.

Ever know those people that have all kinds of drama in their life and aren't truly happy unless their life (and everyone around them) is in turmoil? They run around trying everything to make themselves feel content, and have no idea how to truly just live. I think they can love their spouse, but are certainly not acting in a loving manner...it takes tons and tons of work (MOST on the part of the person who has cheated) to get a marriage back into shape after an affair...but it can certainly be done and thrive in the future.

I think depending on the situation, it can be both.

 

[Aisling]

To me that sounds like Kathy Lee giving their marriage a second chance, not Frank. Frank was trying to save face. We never know what is in the heart of man. I'm glad it worked out for them. I do think they love each other, now.

You may be right, but somehow I think it was more than just him wanting to save face. From the way she spoke in the interview, the way she said he was so guilt-stricken, I give them the benefit of the doubt that he really loved his wife and didn't want to lose her because of a one-night stand. She also said alcohol was involved, which can make people do things they'd swear they'd never do.

I know a couple of women and one man who were hurt by adultery. The hurt they felt made them want to kick their spouse out plain and simple. In my opinion, two of them were justified, because the guys lied up and down and generally treated thei spouses like crap. The other two went to a marriage counselor to try to heal the intensely strong feelings of being batrayed and being a betrayer. One of those couples is still married and doing well. The affair was 20 years ago and they're a happy couple today. But I'm assuming the wife still has some of the pain left inside. She probably made a decision to work the pain and hatred that she at first felt for her husband out of her system.

It really depends on the couple and the circumstances. As crushing as adultery is, it's not always the end of the world, as long as there's regret and a sincere begging for forgiveness. It takes a special kind of woman (or man) to try to work through that pain and trust issues if she/he knows the marriage is good except for the mistake.

Oh, and also work through the ego part. The first instinct, I think, is not to cry over "he/she doesn't love me". They crying is about "how could he/she do this to ME."