Amanda's Heading to the Beach Journal! Feedback Welcomed!

[DoeWDW]

Dear Amanda, I know how you're feeling. Self-control???? What's that? I've realized that it's nearly impossible for me to stay on plan when I'm stressed AND I don't have the healthy food made & ready to eat. You asked last week why I was having chicken waldorf salad for breakfast and lunch 2 days in a row - it was because I was stressed and that was the only healthy food around.

Sounds like you're having a similar problem. I'm going to use this weekend to set myself up for success next week. I'm going to make as much of my food as possible ahead of time so all I have to do is heat it up or grab it out of the fridge. Last night, when there wasn't anything low-carb in sight, it was way too easy to call out for naughty food.

Hang in there, sweetie! We can do this. We'll just need to put in a little extra time on the weekend to make our weeks go smoother.

Hope you have a good day!

 

[lulu201]

Hi, Amanda. Just stopping by to say hi and see how you're doing. Sounds like it's been hard to manage food and be stressed. I have that same problem. I think what's helped me this week is that I've kind of broadened my scope a bit. . .I'm thinking about points, but not kicking myself if I go overboard a little. Maybe if you think "lo-carb" but don't worry if it's 35 or 55, it'll give you enough flexibility that you keep eating healthy and avoid an "all or nothing" binge. Just a thought. . .

Have a nice, relaxing weekend, Amanda. Leave your work stress at the office if you can.

Hugs,
Erin

 

[septbride2002]

Thanks Doe, toystory, and Erin for stopping by. I'm going to skip Curves tonight. I know this is not smart but in all honesty I do not have the will to go. I just want to go home and go to bed. I"m thinking TOM is well on it's way. So I am going to give myself some TLC this weekend and start fresh on Monday. That still gives me 2 solid weeks before I'm in school 3 nights a week. During that time I'll be doing as much exercise as possible - probably Mon, Fri, and Saturday mornings.

~Amanda

 

[sarahsmom73]

Baby Steps!

 

[lulu201]

Good morning, Amanda. and for your new day. Whatever good things you can do for yourself today, Amanda, will be gifts you give to yourself. Splurge on some cool water, some good exercise, and healthy food. You're worth it!

Erin

 

[DoeWDW]

Good morning, dear Amanda!

I see you're feeling the pressures of your expectations vs. reality.
I've been walking that same path lately.

Let's move forward in a positive light, congratulating ourselves on the things we do for ourselves and others. We don't need to be perfect - that's not how life was meant to be. We are human and we do the best we can. Read my journal entry for the lecture I gave myself this morning on talking to myself the way I would talk to a close friend. You can do that too.

I hope you have a day filled with and and (joy).

 

[septbride2002]

This is going to be a LONG post.

So I've been doing some self reflection after I completely fell apart on everything thursday night. Here is my issue: I don't like to admitt that anything is wrong. I don't like people to know that I am worried and watching my weight. Half the time when I start a new diet I don't tell anyone and I try to be sneaky about it. So when I am out with friends or family I tend to let myself eat whatever they are eating for fear they will ask me if I am dieting or watching what I eat. I am the same way with money - I will have very little in the bank but will offer to buy someone's lunch. I remember growing up being embarassed and ashamed of my parents bickering over how many dolllars they had to spend. Or listening to my mom berate herself over the way that she looked. I was actually quite skinny as a kid, when I hit my freshman year in high school I got ****s - and gained some weight like any normal teenage. I was a freaking size 5/7 and my Mom started in on me then about watching what I eat and not wanting to be fat. So I started hiding what I was eating and talking bad to myself. This is a cycle that I have yet to break.

When I look in the mirror I don't feel fat. I have a strange body type with a high waist line but I've learned to dress to hide that. However when ever I see a picture of myself I freak out. Do I really look like that??? My husband of course thinks I look great but I always feel like I have to ask, "How do I look in this?" in order to get a compliment. I never walk in a room and him say, "That looks great on you." or "Wow! You look amazing." I feel like I have to fish for compliments which then you tend to believe even less that they are true.

So what do you do about it all? Obviously I still have baggage from childhood and I am still needing affirmations from others that I look good.

Today I am going to work my plan. I'm going to get through today and then I am going to worry about tomorrow.

B: 1 slice of WW bread and Natural Peanut butter - 11 carbs
L: Leftover Cornbeef and some broccoli - 5 carbs
S: Veggies and dip - 2 carbs
D: Low carb Hamburger Helper - ?
S: ?
Exercise: Curves after work
Water: 8 to 10 glasses
Vitamins: taking them at lunch.

~Amanda

 

[sharoncity]

Those are some tough issues Amanda. Are you not telling people you are low carbing because you are afraid you won't lose weight and then they will talk about you? Are you hiding it so that secretly you have a reason to go off plan???Make sure your not telling is not for the wrong reasons. I have had to struggle with that as well.

As for the compliments from DH, TALK to him!!!!! Tell him what you wrote here. That he should comment on his own once in awhile because it means more. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him. And DH's can be wonderful about these things if we would just tell them what we need/want!

Get back OP Amanda. Go to Curves, eat OP and you will start to feel better about yourself. One day at a time and before you know it, you'll have a streak going!!! Then you will feel even better. You know the cycle, but sometimes it is just difficult to get going! But we are all here, for you!!! You CAN do it Amanda!!

Have a great Monday. I hope it is filled with !

TTFN- Sharon

 

[septbride2002]

Those are some tough issues Amanda. Are you not telling people you are low carbing because you are afraid you won't lose weight and then they will talk about you? Are you hiding it so that secretly you have a reason to go off plan???Make sure your not telling is not for the wrong reasons. I have had to struggle with that as well.

As for the compliments from DH, TALK to him!!!!! Tell him what you wrote here. That he should comment on his own once in awhile because it means more. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him. And DH's can be wonderful about these things if we would just tell them what we need/want!

Get back OP Amanda. Go to Curves, eat OP and you will start to feel better about yourself. One day at a time and before you know it, you'll have a streak going!!! Then you will feel even better. You know the cycle, but sometimes it is just difficult to get going! But we are all here, for you!!! You CAN do it Amanda!!

Have a great Monday. I hope it is filled with !

TTFN- Sharon

Sharon,
I have talked to DH about it. How I feel like I have to fish for compliments from him. He always says he will work on it and then the time comes where I get dressed up for something and then - nothing. We actually got in a fight one time before going out because I kept asking, "Do I look okay?" "Should I maybe change?" He kept saying no you look "fine" About the 5th time I asked he did that aggravated sigh and I got so mad and yelled at him. "OBVIOUSLY I don't feel comfortable in this outfit and I am worried about how I look! Instead of getting aggravated about it why not tell me I look beautiful, gorgeaous, skinny - come up with a real compliment instead of FINE!" and then I went and changed clothes. I just don't think he is good at the complimenting. I try to tell myself it is because he thinks I always look good but deep down - I don't believe it. Of course I try not to bring this up alot because sometimes you have to pick your battles .

I hide my dieting because I don't want people to know. I don't want them to say anything negative about the diet I've chosen, I don't want to have them looking at what I am eating. I don't want them to think I have a weight issue - because as long as I don't acknowledge it then maybe they don't know. stupid - yes.

~Amanda

 

[DoeWDW]

I don't have any insights or wisdom at the moment but I've got a friendly shoulder to cry on and tons of for you. Sometimes we just get frustrated and we need a good cry before we're ready to move on.

Keep in mind that these sad feelings are sometimes a result of our hormones making a minor issue into a major anxiety. I don't mean to minimize how you're feeling but I want to mention that I often notice that I get these kinds of feelings more right before TOM.

I'll keep you in my prayers, as always.

and

 

[sharoncity]

and one more Amanda! DH's - what CAN we do with them???!!!! My DH still sees me as the 17 yo I was when we started dating. I absolutely LOVE him for that , but I have to remind him sometimes that I am no longer 17! I can't wear that string bikini I wore on spring break when I was 20, ya know?!

Hang in there Amanda! We all have days like this and they will pass, right?!

TTFN- Sharon

 

[sarahsmom73]

to you Amanda! I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I think I have gotten to the point that I am very honest with people. When I first was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago, I was mortified and then I decided to be proactive. I don't care if people know! This is something at this point in time I can not control without medication. It can happen to anyone.

You have have to do what is right for you. You have nothing to be embarrased about. You are working towards a healthy life and helathy habits take time. Who care what others think! Do it for yourself!

 

[DoeWDW]

I've had a thought for you, dear Amanda. When you're out with friends and don't want to eat carby stuff, you can always use the "queasy tummy" excuse for not overindulging. A little white lie? Yes, but there are times when it's easier than rehashing and defending the whole "low carb" choice. I've been there and it isn't much fun.

I hope you're feeling better today. I saw you in January and thought you looked wonderful! DHs just aren't programmed to notice these things. Maybe you should start leaving Post-It notes on the bathroom mirror, like "Today would be a good day to compliment Amanda". Please know that it isn't that he finds you unattractive - it's just that he needs to be reminded OFTEN of how important it is for you to hear him say it. It's a lot like training a child to keep their room clean - a couple sincere talks won't do it - ya gotta work on it for 18 solid years by gentle reminders and by example and by the occasional yelling fit.

Today is a bright and beautiful day in PA, and hopefully the weather is just as nice in MO. Spring is right around the corner, I just know it! Brighten up your workstation with a splash of color! A new picture or a new plant or even a hot pink pen can help you feel better.

 

[toystoryduo]

Dear Amanda,

I am sending some your way. I hope you are feeling much better today, sweetie.

I was thinking about your post last night and I realized how much what happens to us in our childhood affects our adult lives. I know when I was growing up, I had a situation similar to yours. Several members of my extended family would say things like, "You don't want to grow up being fat like _______. " (Whichever relative was chosen to be picked on about their weight. ) I can't even tell you how many times I heard that from different people growing up! Well, I had two kids, gained the weight and now some of those same relatives are saying, "I told you so, Tracy." It is very hard to deal with and very hard to hear. I try to remember that no matter what weight I am at, my DH loves me, my kids love me and God loves me.

Amanda, I may have never met you in person, but from your posts, I know that you are a kind and caring person with a great sense of humor! You may be struggling with some "bumps" in the road right now, but you are a strong woman and I know that you will get over those bumps and make your goals. You CAN do it Amanda!

I hope you have a wonderful day filled with and ! Please know that we are all here for you and that we are you on to meet your goals!

Take good care of you!

 

[septbride2002]

Hello. Thanks Tracy for the nice words in my journal.

Okay - so after a really long talk with DH last and some PM-ing with Doe I have come to the conclusion that Boot Camp is not for me. The pressure and expectations that I have put on myself are driving me crazy. My stress level since February 28th has been through the roof. And I can't continue to do it. I've become sneaky with food, hiding my eating, which is extremely stressful. I think about food, what I can eat, what I can't eat, when I'm going to eat, how much I am going to eat constantly. This is no way to live.

I also need to realize that what I see in the mirror is not a fat woman. It is an average woman. It is a strong woman. I will never be 135 lbs, I will never wear belly baring shirts, I will never own a size 8 pair of jeans - and ya know what - it will still all be okay. I don't have to be that, I just have to be me.

So my journal title is going to change again. I haven't thought of any names yet so I'm open to suggestion. My focus for now is going to be on:

Self-esteem
Exercise - I'll still be going to Curves 3 to 4 times a week
Water -
and that is it. Because for right now I think that is all I can handle.

A big part of me feels like a failure, that I'm throwing in the towel. I'm trying to ignore that part of me and to realize that I'm beautiful just the way I am .

~Amanda

 

[DoeWDW]

Yes, Amanda, you ARE throwing in the towel! You are being true to yourself and assessing what's working and what isn't. You are throwing in the towel on those expectations that are creating an unhealthy mindset and environment for you.

If that's failure, sign me up!! I think it sounds like success though. I'm proud of you because you're brave enough to face that "negative self talk" side of yourself and give it a big ole raspberry. Bravo!!

 

[Strings]

Amanda,

You have been under tremendous stress lately. I think you are doing the right thing. I know that I went through a period when I was sneaking food. that was when I realized I needed to make a change. WISH is about being healthy. Building your self esteem and exercising are two instumental things in that. I am proud of your for focusing on what you can accomplish right now.


Beth

 

[sarahsmom73]

You are not a failure! You said it yourself. You are a strong, healthy woman! You are doing a great job! Keep your attitude positive, teach each day at a time and do the things that make you happy! We are here every step of the way!

 

[wilderness01]

I'm sorry you have been feeling bad lately. I really try to think that life is full of journeys, inclusive of ups and downs. It is impossible to always been on track all the time. That isn't truly life. Right now you are in a valley but before long you will be on a peak once more. Wow I am profound early in the am huh? You can't beat yourself up for something that isn't working for you. I truly think that this journey is about what is right for you. So this isn't working this week, perhaps it will work in a few weeks or it won't work at all. Whatever you decide you will be ok. There is nothing set in stone what is right or wrong for everyone every second of every day. I also think everything in moderation is ok. To live totally low carb/non carb forever isn't realistic. If you can live relatively low carb (we all know white sugar/flour isn't the healthiest for us) for most of the week, eat healthy foods, exercise, drink water and feel good about yourself than you are on the "right" track. No one is perfect Amanda and it is unrealistic to expect that of yourself. I hope you can find a happy medium. Take care.

 

[DoeWDW]

I'm popping in early this morning to send you and and a for your day, dear Amanda.

I hope this morning is looking bright for you. You're surrounded by people who love you and will support you, wherever this journey leads.

Love ya!