Am I wrong?

[Pakey]

If you don't call ahead, chances are you will not get invited into my house. Anyone who knows me well knows better but my inlaws did it one time. I was in the middle of vacuuming, and I continued to vacuum. They've never done it again.

I don't care if I'm considered rude. I work 6 days a week, minimum of 10 hours per day, and I'm not going to spend my one day off entertaining uninvited guests.

 

[EthansMom]

As a hostess, it's your job to be gracious to INVITED guests. If they haven't called first to find out if it's a convenient time for a visit, then you aren't obligated to invite them in to your home. Their being upset with you is their problem, not yours.

IMO, if the status quo (having them stop by whenever and sometimes inviting them in and sometimes not) has been working for YOU, then continue doing that. If any of the offenders says anything directly to your face about it, then just say, "I would have been happy to tell you that now wasn't a good time for a visit if you had called first," or "I'm not always ready for visitors. I really wish you'd call first before coming over."

BTW, I'm not sure who told you the visitors are upset about your treatment, but within my ILs, the people who pass on such comments (true though they may be) are troublemakers and pot-stirrers who pass on info. to cause drama. I've learned that it's best to ignore comments passed on second or third hand.

 

[Nie0214]

I'm so glad I live 150 miles from family, and no in-laws at present.

 

[VAN]

Each family is different. I can see everyone's point of view in this.

However, in my younger/dating days, it might have been extremely ackward to have someone just walk in. Additionally, how could I ever relax knowing that someone might show up at any moment!!

I think you should come to some agreement with your SO about the boundries and then have him talk to his parents about it. If they continue to show up unannounced, you may just have to be honest and say something like, "I'd invite you in, however, I'm in the middle of something and so it's really not a good time." Maybe even offer to invite them over for dessert or a meal later in the week.

Be careful that you are always honest. If you say you are going somewhere and for whatever reason they find out it wasn't true, you have just blown any trust/respect they might have for you.

If it's an inconvenient time, say so. "I wished I'd known you were coming over, so I could clean up the house. As it is, things are a mess. Do you have my cell number?"

Any sort of thing, but communicate and be honest.

 

[KandD]

As a hostess, it's your job to be gracious to INVITED guests. If they haven't called first to find out if it's a convenient time for a visit, then you aren't obligated to invite them in to your home. Their being upset with you is their problem, not yours.

IMO, if the status quo (having them stop by whenever and sometimes inviting them in and sometimes not) has been working for YOU, then continue doing that. If any of the offenders says anything directly to your face about it, then just say, "I would have been happy to tell you that now wasn't a good time for a visit if you had called first," or "I'm not always ready for visitors. I really wish you'd call first before coming over."

BTW, I'm not sure who told you the visitors are upset about your treatment, but within my ILs, the people who pass on such comments (true though they may be) are troublemakers and pot-stirrers who pass on info. to cause drama. I've learned that it's best to ignore comments passed on second or third hand.

Ohhhh!!! You are so right!! I do have to remember where the information is coming from lol!! But there was specific information in the conversation that really leads me to believe that the drop in culprits have discussed this. Now if it is bothering them then why can't they address it with us? But I guess that is another thread altogether....

 

[kaytieeldr]

But, that if not calling is the way things are done in their family, well, you are family now!

But if calling IS what's done in HER family, isn't the converse reasonable?

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I have this same issue. Most of the time when I'm home, I'm usually walking around in a t-shirt and panties. I had my own house for 15 years before I was married, and I'm not used to people just popping over.

I don't want to cause issues for DH...but if I'm half dressed I'm not making chit chat. So, they can continue to pop over whenever they like, and I won't think it's rude, as long as they don't think I'm rude for not coming out of the bedroom.

 

[EthansMom]

Ohhhh!!! You are so right!! I do have to remember where the information is coming from lol!! But there was specific information in the conversation that really leads me to believe that the drop in culprits have discussed this. Now if it is bothering them then why can't they address it with us? But I guess that is another thread altogether....

You sure you haven't been talking to my SIL? I'm in CT also and we've had several VERY similar go-rounds with the ILs. Sure, someone said something to whomever is passing on the story. But the person telling you is doing it to cause problems. Just ignore the comments altogether unless one of the people who stops by makes a comment to you directly.

Really... I've got a SIL who will come and say, "Well, so and so said such and such..." and if you say anything back to her about it, she'll go back to the other person and say, "Well, she said such and such..." And half the time, the majority of the story is correct, but it's been twisted just a bit to make it more dramatic. Then, it goes back and forth until someone gets all ticked off at you for stuff that never really went down that way.

Within my ILs there was a whole huge blowup last holiday season where SIL tried to twist something I said and pretty much all of the ILs backed me on it. She was just trying to take out all of her stresses on me and blame me for her bad mood... totally backfired on her and lost her a lot of respect.

I've learned the hard way to just ignore the people who have to incite drama.

So, just go with what's been working for you. If the ILs don't like sitting on your front porch, then they can discuss it with you directly instead of gossiping with other family members about it.

 

[disneybound31]

When DH and I had a tiny apartment and a newborn my MIL would let herself in (with the key we gave her for emergencies)while we were gone to clean my kitchen and do our laundry. Sounds very nice, but I felt very violated. And definately felt she thought I could not handle my home and new family... well, I began to lock our door at all times while we were home. Fast forward ten years... we own our own home now (she does NOT have a key)- have 2 kids (10 and 7) and she STILL tries the doorknob when she comes over. No call first, no knock. I like to imagine that she is shocked each time it is solidly locked. We have been there 7 years and I HAVE to keep the doors locked because she has 'walked in' on all manner of activity before. She says the same thing each time- "Did you know your door was locked?" I just smile.

 

[bumbershoot]

I've never (after I went off to college and with the exception of the year I lived with my mom in my 20s) had a key to any of my parents' houses! Of course, I was always living a flight away, so they knew I was on the way (b/c they had likely paid for my ticket) and they were picking me up, so no key needed.

So I just can't imagine family letting themselves in...plus, I lock up when I'm at home, and if there's a chain lock, that's on. A few SLAMS of the door hitting that chain would stop family or friends from trying!


But to the OP, I don't like drop-ins, I never have. There are many reasons...just got out of the shower, having an argument, having a difficult discussion, making a souffle (OK I've never done that, but it's delicate!)...

And I wish this one realtor office wished they hadn't allowed drop-in clients...we walked into this place a couple years ago, looking for rental properties that they advertised, and it was fairly obvious that someone had had a meal that disagreed with their tummy, and they were making awful smells all over the place....


My MIL annoys me, and she does this thing where she wants to treat me like I'm family (but she treats me horribly, as she does her family, so I dont' like it), but at the same time, as soon as I was around, she put a barrier around her normal customs of walking into her son's house, or not calling, etc...as soon as there was a wife in the picture, there was a bit more formality in THAT way. And I gotta say, I'm glad for that. Wish the OP's partner's family would do that!

 

[sue1013]

You have to do what works for you and SO. My house it is fine to just stop over infact a lot of family lives close by and is the same. But it's fine with us I realize some are more private. We've always been like this but I do have a question for those that need a call. When your children are living on their own if they lived close would you be upset if they stopped over without a call? I'm asking since I can't imagine my kids and granddaughter feeling they need to call if they are around the corner and just want to stop and say hi.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't mind drop-ins, so it probably wouldn't faze me, unless the drop-in started making a pest of themselves, dropping in everyday or something like that. If that were the case, then I'd address it with that person.

My doors are usually not unlocked, so not too many people can walk in.

 

[HM]

Dear OP: I hope you find a way to resolve your dilemma. I'm sending good thoughts your way!

 

[ecuagoddess]

IMO, having a key (which implies that the homeowner wants to you be able to come in without having to knock in certain situations) and popping over uninvited expecting to be served are 2 separate things.
I don't allow popins & keep the door locked. I don't have to worry about in-laws, just random kids and neighbors. I just keep on doing what I was doing when the person came over- like one PP said, vacuuming, washing dishes, watching TV. I won't stop my day to entertain if they didn't stop their day to ask to come over. It works.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't think you're wrong.

I only have one person in my life who drops in. It's my MIL. And, as with a previous poster, she just walks right in. Raps on the door, opens it, and says "knock knock" in a sing/song voice. I think she knows that it bothers me, because I'm miraculously always in a bad mood when she does it , but she doesn't care. She does what she wants to do. Sometimes she calls when she's on her way over, but I don't think 45 seconds counts as "calling ahead".

As soon as you hear her voice take off all of your clothes and greet her. Do this a few times and I can guarantee you that she will call first.

 

[TheAmazingSpidey]

This is a battle I have been fighting and losing for all the 16 years I have been married. It is beyond rude to just show up. Plus my inlaws just walk in my house which drives me nuts. Oh and you have to serve them they do not help themselves...rant over.

I agree it is rude. Don't know how to stop it though.

You're living Everybody Loves Raymond!

 

[NotUrsula]

I guess we are just an open comfortable family. We have been caught in our pajamas before etc. but so what- they're my PARENTS.

Yes, but what if they caught you NOT in your pajamas -- say stark naked in a moment of passion on the living-room floor? Would you be comfortable with that? More importantly, would your DH be OK with his MIL seeing him in the altogether?

My family is a just-walk-in kind of group, too, but ONLY when you are expected. If you're not expected, you at very least knock, and if you knock and there is no answer, but the vehicles are there, you go away. Nowadays you can call from out in the driveway, of course, but I wouldn't do that unless it was some kind of emergency.

 

[Wishing on a star]

IMHO, it is rude to just 'pop-in-, even with family.
Everybody has a right to some boundaries and privacy.
I am completely in agreement with the OP.

It is YOUR home.
While it might be nice to say that any relatives are always welcome... it just doesn't always work that way. When relatives feel that they have a RIGHT to come in your home at any time at their convenience... That is NOT right. it is well beyond rude... There are huge control and entitlement issues involved as well.

Also, I think there is a big difference between most parents having their child feel welcome, and a younger woman or man having their inlaws feel 'entitled'.

OP: this is a huge control battle.
It is all about 'control' and 'entitlement'.

I am speaking from experience, as a wife who had to set some serious boundaries, because I have had controlling and entitlement inlaws from he!!. You and your SO need to iron this out and set some common boundaries NOW. Any adult ought to be able to do this. If your SO can't respect your comfort zone and put you first and set some perfectly reasonable boundaries with his parents, then your issue is NOT his parents... It is not an 'inlaw' issue it is a 'relationship/marriage' issue.

Take these words to heart...

Tell your SO that he needs to step up and they need to be invited or call ahead whenever possible.

When you are there alone, or your SO is also not desiring their company ... keep your deadbolt locked, front blinds closed, etc... Be assured that you are NOT obligated to open the door and invite them in!!!!

It is YOUR home.
While it might be nice to say that any relatives are always welcome... it just doesn't always work that way. When relatives feel that they have a RIGHT to come in your home at any time at their convenience... That is NOT right. it is well beyond rude... There are huge control and entitlement issues involved as well.

 

[pandora174]

Even if it is a five minute warning, they should call. Five minutes gives you enough time to get dressed if you are still in pjs, clean up the mess from dinner if you just left it there, and in my case, get all the clean clothes off the couch that I keep neglecting to fold. If my living room is particularly bad, I will not invite someone in who just drops by. Or, I will at least make them sit outside with the kids or DH while I pick up real fast.

Ditto ! Come without calling now to my house. I am in my pj bottoms, old mickey t-shirt. DH just put a load of laundry on the couch which I am folding. DS is eating cereal on the coffee table in his underwear. His swim class stuff from this afternoon is still on the dining room table !

 

[angwill]

I think there are nice ways to ask them to please call before coming over. Put the blame on you and it will go over well. Say you are embarassed if you have not cleaned up yourself/the house first etc. I would however try to get DH to say something first since it is his family.

My in laws used to come over unannounced actually my DH knew most times but failed to let me in on the visit so it was his fault. My father in law caught on and would tell my DH to go in and tell me they were there while they talked with DH in the driveway. They would come in when I came out. After years of this the in laws and I came to the agreement that I didn't care if they just came in as long as I never heard gossip from family that they felt my home was messy. lol

DMIL was a whole other story. She was so nosey that DH and I stopped being annoyed with her ways and started having a fun time ****y trapping the medicine cabinet etc. She thought it was so funny to open the cabinet and have marbles fall all over the place knowing we could all hear it. She would open the bedroom door to one of those ear piercing alarms and laugh at that too. She was just a strange person.

It's so fun dealing with another family's dynamics isn't it?