Am I wrong to feel this way??

[luna99]

In high school I had three best girlfriends and over the years all four of us have moved and changed but we all for the most part still think of each other as really good friends (at least I think we do!)...

so one of my friends has a tendancy to sometimes pull away and not contact me for a long time... I don't know what it is but sometimes she just disappears for a while ....

well, maybe 4 years ago she was living in texas and started getting religious and going to chuch (which is fine with me- I personally do not go to church but I do believe in God). She had twin daughters already and she eventually met a guy at church and got married to him .. at the time I was living in New York and had not talked to her for a while.. so she called me to tell me she was getting married.... I was very excited for her. As it turns out I could not make it down to Texas for her wedding but I did send her a gift in the mail.

A year later I got married and she could not make my wedding .. but I did not get a gift from her... no big deal.

after that... she suddenly "fell off the face of the earth" again... I heard through her parents that she was moving to California with her new husband. I would call her and leave her messages and she never would return them. I would email her and she would never respond. When I would get an email from her they were always forwards about God or very conservative views on political things (and I'm definitely more of a liberal) .. it bothered me that she could not take the time to just write an email that said "hey, sorry I can't write, I'm super busy" or anything.

then one day I heard rumors from her family that she wasn't even talking to them.. she had had a falling out and wasn't speaking with her parents...

things just sounded really weird...

eventually she did email me to tell me that she was sorry how she had been handling things and that when she married her husband and got reallly into church she felt like she needed to let go of things in her past... I'm assuming she meant "secular' (sp?) things? But come on?? To let go of a friend you have known since you were 13? She did say she would try to be in touch more, but she really hasn't. She has sent me pictures of her and her kids and she looks really different.. long hair (she always kept her hair short as long as I had known her) and really modest long dresses down to her ankles. Ok, again.. I am not going to judge her...

also, a few years ago I flew down to Texas to visit my famliy and had emailed her to let her know I was coming... I told her in the email that I wanted to see her and her kids... and I was even willing to drive TO HER HOUSE, an hour away so she wouldn't have to load her kids up to come see me. She had moved in with her fiance at the time (same guy she eventually got married to) so she was supposed to get in touch with me to give me her new address .... she never did and I did not get to see her.

what bugs me (and is the point of this thread! sorry it took me so long to get here) is that I just got an email from her today which is her baby registry at Target. A big part of me feels like just deleting it. I feel like she can't even take the time to call me or email me... and I feel like she really has changed and maybe wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore if we were living in the same city.. yet she sure does want me to buy her a gift for her baby. I feel terrible that a part of me feels this way.. but I do.

another part of me is really happy for her and wants to help her celebrate this new baby.... I myself am hopefully going to get pregnant next year and I know it must be a very exciting time....

I guess I just feel like keeping our friendship is not very important to her at all...

what should I do? should I tell her how I feel? should I just consider her an old friend that I no longer am friends with? should I just send a gift and get over it - people are busy in life and don't always have time to call?

thanks for reading this if you got this far! I know it's a saga!

 

[coolbeans]

I vote delete the email and move on, that's what I would do. To me that is a game, and I have enough drama in my life to mess with someone who doesn't have time for me.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I understand how you are feeling. You still want to try and make an effort because you are genuinely happy for her, but I wouldn't waste me time.

I have also lost touch and got back in touch with some friends from high school, but after a while they were just using me because I had some very good connections and that really bothered me. So we are not as close anymore which is fine but we still email and occasionally run into each other. No hard feelings on either side.

I wouldn't totally lose contact but do not buy her anything, if she has never done that for you then don't do it for her. Send a card or a cute email and let that be that. You are still being a friend by sending her something.

Good Luck.!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I am the friend who doesn't stay in touch, so I understand that part. Or, rather, I don't completely understand, but I know how the situation is. I really don't know why I don't stay in touch.

For her to not answer emails, not want you to visit, not want to communicate in any way and then send you a gift list, is just beyond rude, though.

I'd send her a "congratulations you're pregnant" card, then leave the ball in her court.

 

[2goofycampers]

I would send her a card and see what happens from there.

 

[Ephany]

For her to not answer emails, not want you to visit, not want to communicate in any way and then send you a gift list, is just beyond rude, though.

I'd send her a "congratulations you're pregnant" card, then leave the ball in her court.

ITA. I've got a friend who's been slowly disappearing also, it's kind of disappointing but understandable since our lives are on two totally different tracks. You can only reach out so much before accepting the fact they aren't as interested in maintaining the friendship as you are and move on.

 

[luna99]

I am the friend who doesn't stay in touch, so I understand that part. Or, rather, I don't completely understand, but I know how the situation is. I really don't know why I don't stay in touch.

and what's funny is one of our good friends (of the original four of us from high school) died three summers ago. We all came together for the funeral and at that point my friend said she was sorry that she hadn't been in touch and that she would try her best and was sorry it took a funeral for us to get back together... blah blah blah...

maybe I'm just too sentimental or something.. but it really hurts me that she doesn't seem to care anymore.

I mean, I always imagined myself and these three girls being friends in our 60's, 70's, and 80's... you know? I thought we would be friends and our kids would be friends and I dunno.. maybe i'm just nieve or something... but it really does hurt. I always felt like these three girls would always be there for me NO MATTER WHAT and I guess I'm learning that that may not be true.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I would delete it. Who has time for all this drama?

I had a friend from high school like this. Seems she only contacted me when she needed me for something. Last contact was 5 years ago when she called to tell me her father was sick. I went to the hospital and attended his funeral when he passed.

Three weeks later I delivered my daughter. I called to tell her, very excited. We talked for a few minutes and she said she would call me back. BTW, I' m still waiting. She did sent me a Christmas card 2 years ago though to tell me she got remarried (to her former boss, she had relations with while he was still married to his 1st wife) and that she moved (to a newer section of where we grew up)

DH said it was just to brag. When DH, myself and the kids moved to our new home last year in a new and upcoming community about 1/2 hour from where former friend lives, DH said I should take a pic of the kids infront of our new house and send it to her. I'm beyond that. That crap is for high school. Mature adults don't act that way. As I said before, move on, and forget about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Delete and move on or send a card if you want.

Sending a gift probably will stir up too much emotion as far as the lack of relationship you have.

 

[wilderness01]

ITA. I've got a friend who's been slowly disappearing also, it's kind of disappointing but understandable since our lives are on two totally different tracks. You can only reach out so much before accepting the fact they aren't as interested in maintaining the friendship as you are and move on.

I agree with this. I would send a card, but no more. Friendship is a two way street, and really, in today's day and age of cellphones/e-mail, there is no excuse to not be able to give a real quick hello, if she really wanted to.

 

[wilderness01]

and what's funny is one of our good friends (of the original four of us from high school) died three summers ago. We all came together for the funeral and at that point my friend said she was sorry that she hadn't been in touch and that she would try her best and was sorry it took a funeral for us to get back together... blah blah blah...

maybe I'm just too sentimental or something.. but it really hurts me that she doesn't seem to care anymore.

I mean, I always imagined myself and these three girls being friends in our 60's, 70's, and 80's... you know? I thought we would be friends and our kids would be friends and I dunno.. maybe i'm just nieve or something... but it really does hurt. I always felt like these three girls would always be there for me NO MATTER WHAT and I guess I'm learning that that may not be true.

Actions speak louder than words. I would move on and be done really.

 

[WDWBarb]

I've had this situation happen often in my life. Sometimes I was the one being distanced and sometimes I was the one doing the distancing.

But, in the end, friends are more valuable than anything (except family) and worth whatever efforts are needed to keep them. She certainly hasn't handled herself well and you are NOT wrong to feel the way you do.

But, unfortunate history aside, it may be worth it to keep making your gestures of friendship. Many times people distance themselves for reasons that are about them and not about the people they are putting distance between.

You said that you lost one of your four friends recently. That type of tragedy can show us all that we have to lose. I was someone who put distance between myself and several of my old classmates. I don't know why I did it - my life had changed so much and there just never seemed to be enough time. Isn't that just a part of life?

Well, it doesn't have to be. That's a choice. I made my choices and had to deal with them when the unthinkable happened. I lost two of these "Friends 4-Ever" in the last 2 years. One was sick for many years and I never even knew it. She suffered greatly and probably needed friends. At her visitation her mother told me that she had been asking about me in the last few weeks. Asking if anyone knew what happened to me. And then I saw her son, who was only 5 (and I didn't even know she had children). He looked at me and asked me if I thought his mommy looked pretty.

That was all I could take.

The other BFF took his own life. I still can't make sense of it.

So, it's only my humble opinion that it may be worth it to continue to reach out and extend your hand of friendship. It can hurt when they don't reach back, but it can hurt more if the opportunity to reach out is taken away forever.

 

[Plantlady]

I have best friends that don't put in the effort to keep in touch..

but, my mom shared with me years ago, that her best friend from elementary school was the one that worked so hard to keep in touch, and now, 50 years later, they are extremely close, and my mom is grateful that her friend didn't give up on her.

So, I keep putting in the effort. Because someday it will work out.

I say send her a card. You don't have to buy a gift. If money isn't an object, then send something. She's your friend, you care how she's doing, keep putting in the effort. Someday it will come back, and you'll have your friend back.

 

[disykat]

She emailed you her baby registry? I have a wish list on amazon.com - maybe if I email it to everyone I've ever been friends with I'll get presents!

Moving and losing contact with people I understand, emailing people to tell them you want gifts I don't!

 

[jjjmranch]

I'd send a congratulations card and that's about it. I had my BFF from HS blow me off for 10 years and then she became a Melaleuca representative and wanted me to join her sales team. You are only human. Life is too short to worry and deal with errant past friends. My advice is to culminate some new friends that will appreciate you!

 

[JimmyPicker]

I say that you should keep the lines of communication open. No need to send a gift, a card would be sufficient.

But like others have pointed out, sometimes people pull away for a multitude of different reasons. You don't know what those reasons are, and most likely, they have nothing to do with you.

Things may change for your friend in the future, and she'll be glad that you stuck it out. And you'll be glad, too.

Don't throw the friendship away. Just reclassify it for now.

 

[IDoDis]

I have been guilty of losing touch at times and my old times friends are guilty, as well. However, I do send periodic email and I always reply to an email when one gets sent by an old friend. I also send out b-day and holiday cards. I have one friend in particular though, who waits over a year sometimes to respond to a hello email. So I used to think that maybe she didn't check that email very often -- ya know -- give her the benefit of the doubt. So I started sending her some Hallmark e-cards on other dates like Thanksgiving, the first day of summer, Halloween, Easter, etc... I get an email notifying me that the e-card has been picked up, so I know she's checking her email. I don't get a reply or a thank you and then months later when I do finally hear from her, she says she hasn't been online in over a year.

It's very frustrating. She won't call me either, and when I call her, I just a get her voice mail and leave a message. I stopped trying so hard after awhile. I understand it's hard when you spent your formative years with someone who you consider to be an important person in your life. When I do get an email from her, it is very endearing. I understand your frustration.

In your case though, I think I'd let this one go. It's rude to send a gift registry to someone you have written off.

 

[Kirby]

Send her a card, tell her how happy you are for her and let it go at that.

How is your relationship with the other friend?

 

[johnsontrio]

The death of one of your closest friends didn't change her behavior and neither will the birth of this baby. If you want to send a gift, just to be nice, because you would give anyone with a new baby a gift, go ahead. If you would send a gift because that's what friends do, expecting that your overture will be reciprocated, then not so much.

It's very hard to understand why people walk away from relationships that seem to be meaningful , but she has. You can keep making effort as long as that doesn't just bring you down in the end. Personally, even though I'm inclined to keep making the effort, I remind myself that it isn't worth the heartache and hurt feelings to continue putting effort forth when it isn't reciprocated.

IMHO, putting you on a gift registry after not having a relationship with you in quite some time is not a gesture of friendship. It's tacky and self-serving.

 

[brockash]

I vote delete the email and move on, that's what I would do. To me that is a game, and I have enough drama in my life to mess with someone who doesn't have time for me.

ITA.