Am I wrong? Overreacting?

[Buckalew11]

Maybe..I will talk to him about it. He did apologize before he went home and said that he would take a look again to see what he really wants to keep. I don't want anyone thinking that he is horrible. He's not. He may just be having a hard time letting go of the things he has accumulated over the years. I think that is understandable...but he will need to make some changes. I will talk to him tomorrow.

I do not want you tho think I think he is horrible. I moved lots of girly stuff into DH's house. And he had a lot of Chicago Bears stuff--even got a hold of a piece of the astroturf when they took it out of Soldier Field, not easy to do when you live in TN!

We all bring our junk (and baggage) into relationships. Star Wars and Comic books are just not my thing, LOL.

I'd just have a chat about that sulking thing. Once DH (then BF) sulked because I cut all my hair off short. It took me a week to figure out why because I had really never heard of a guy having a problem with such a thing.

 

[disykat]

We had a similar issue before our wedding. We were getting married in December, so we found an apartment and dh moved into it in October. We were moving his stuff in and he was stuffing the spare room FULL of stuff. I kept reminding him I was moving in in December and there needed to be room for me.

The stuff he had was nuts. I really couldn't see the reason (and still can't, frankly) for him to have all his math papers from 7th grade, etc. For some reason it was important to him to have every piece of school work he ever did from junior high through college. I'm not kidding. Fortunately, we have lots of storage now and it's all in our attic above the garage - because he tries to save every piece of paper the kids touch too!

Fortunately we've been able to work around his issues. Our house isn't cluttered at all. He keeps it, but it is boxed up and stored away. Ironically enough, he hates clutter and another fight we had setting up our first place was because I wanted pictures on the wall and the occasional knick-knack.

Everybody has their issues and I think it's pretty common to have "turf wars." You just have to negotiate how much space each of you get. While we still have the occasional "no you don't need another filing cabinet" argument, I've managed to persuade him to archive more stuff to the attic and we generally live in peace.

I think the thing that is key to not resenting it is not to give away stuff YOU really care about to make room for junk of his. Negotiate the space allotted and then go from there - each of you getting to make your own call on what goes in the space.

 

[tink1978]

We had a similar issue before our wedding. We were getting married in December, so we found an apartment and dh moved into it in October. We were moving his stuff in and he was stuffing the spare room FULL of stuff. I kept reminding him I was moving in in December and there needed to be room for me.

The stuff he had was nuts. I really couldn't see the reason (and still can't, frankly) for him to have all his math papers from 7th grade, etc. For some reason it was important to him to have every piece of school work he ever did from junior high through college. I'm not kidding. Fortunately, we have lots of storage now and it's all in our attic above the garage - because he tries to save every piece of paper the kids touch too!

Fortunately we've been able to work around his issues. Our house isn't cluttered at all. He keeps it, but it is boxed up and stored away. Ironically enough, he hates clutter and another fight we had setting up our first place was because I wanted pictures on the wall and the occasional knick-knack.

Everybody has their issues and I think it's pretty common to have "turf wars." You just have to negotiate how much space each of you get. While we still have the occasional "no you don't need another filing cabinet" argument, I've managed to persuade him to archive more stuff to the attic and we generally live in peace.

I think the thing that is key to not resenting it is not to give away stuff YOU really care about to make room for junk of his. Negotiate the space allotted and then go from there - each of you getting to make your own call on what goes in the space.

This makes sense to me. I think overall we are doing this, but it just irritated me tonight. I don't resent anything I have given away, and I haven't given away anything that I am super attached to. I have only given up stuff I don't need. If I need it later, I can replace it. He has been great with me keeping the things I have wanted to keep.

I will keep these things in mind when dealing with this in the future.

 

[tink1978]

I stepped away from the computer for a bit for the but perhaps you just need to discuss your expectations further. From what you have posted, you are assuming that you are supposed to give up some of your stuff to make room for 'our stuff' - you are doing it out of love to a certain extent. Soon to be DH doesn't seem to see it that way though. So it sounds like you are interpreting him holding onto things as not fully wanting to become a WE instead of a YOU and ME. I hope I'm making sense.

Anyway, I suggest you talk with him about it more directly and commit to being open to really hearing each other on this. He may leave the conversation seeing your point of view and be ready to give more things up and he may not. You may leave the conversation understanding that he's not choosing stuff over you and that is OK to keep more of your things than you originally thought. Hopefully, you'll understand your POVs better, b/c I promise you there is no hidden meaning in him keeping the stuff. IME, men's mind just don't work that way. He simply likes his stuff, that's all.

Chances are, he will get rid of more things on his own as time goes on. For instance, DH had a collection of Playboy mags when we met and were first married. He wasn't willing to part with them, but did ultimately agree not to have them on a shelf in the living room A few years later, he just threw them out w/o me ever saying a word.

Seriously, just talk to him and you will both feel better.

Thank you...you are completely right. I think it is just a misinterpretation. I will talk to him about it tomorrow.

 

[maccagerl]

My fiance and I are getting married in March. He has started to move a few things into my house, specifically his DVD's and Star Wars items. Both of these are large collections. I have given him an entire upstairs bedroom for his Star Wars books, audio tapes, and other collector's items. I emptied out the large closet under the stairs (and gave away everything that was in it, I kept nothing) for DVD's (this is the only closet, by the way, for storage as we have only one other closet that is not in a bedroom). He brought about 450 movies over last week. We went through them and through mine. We ended up taking all but 10 of my DVD's to trade in. He kept all but, maybe 20 of his. This is not a big deal to me. However, I did not know about the 150 wrestling DVD's he has (that he does not watch). He brought them over tonight and they filled up a whole DVD cabinet. I was not enthusiatic about it (because there are so many and he does not watch them), but I didn't say anything. When he saw that I wasn't excited about it, he asked what was wrong. I stated that I liked the idea of having lots of DVD's, if we are going to watch them, but I don't want to keep them just for the sake of keeping them. I mentioned that if we intended on buying more movies in the future, we would have to trade in ones we already have. He did not like that and got all sulky and wouldn't talk to me for over an hour. He also brought his "graphic novels" (comic books)....three large boxes of them.

As I mentioned before, I gave him the "guest room" for his Star Wars stuff and the closet downstairs for his DVD's. I have given up the majority of my books (three large bookcases full) because he didn't think I needed them. He was right and I had no problem getting rid of them. Now he wants to use all the bookcases for his graphic novels and other books he wants to bring.

The more I think about it, the more I need to figure out a good way to address this with him. I feel like I have given away a lot of my things for him, but he is not willing to do the same. Maybe I am overeacting and it's not a big deal, but it does get on my nerves. If anyone has any ideas, please advise!

Thanks for listening to my venting!

Isn't it illegal to marry a 13 year old?

 

[ZuZugal]

Compromise is not easy, but better to address the issue now than later on. Once he brings that stuff in and "puts" it where he wants it it'll be REALLY hard to get rid of. Maybe he can store the comics or wrestling DVD's someplace...but not the Star Wars stuff! I'd personally love to see his collection.

Give him the spare room, but not the closet. Maybe he can buy/build more bookshelves to make the spare room more accommodating for his stuff.

 

[HunnyPots]

Isn't it illegal to marry a 13 year old?

My thoughts exactly!

 

[HunnyPots]

Have you known all along about his hobbies? If so, and you're marrying him anyway, you're a better woman than I am!
There's something about those comic book/star wars geeks, er...um... "collectors" that most of us aren't able to understand. You better get your droids in position - there may be battles ahead!

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

On a different note, it appears your DBF likes to buy a lot of "extras". Has he been living with his parents? I'm wondering if he's going to be able to break these spending habits when you are married.

Of course, I don't presume to know your financial situation. Maybe he has the money to blow on wrestling DVDs. All I can say is that my DH had some of these spending habits when we got married we ended up going several rounds in the ring over it. (pun intended! )

 

[bumbershoot]

I stated that I liked the idea of having lots of DVD's, if we are going to watch them, but I don't want to keep them just for the sake of keeping them.

Ack! That is NOT the collector's way, trust me. Your dude is a collector. You're either going to have a long, hard road of trying to break him of that, or you're going to have to realize that keeping things just to keep them is something that he gets pleasure from doing.

And then bow down to you for being in his life.

Yes indeedy!

...but if we are to build a life together, that means both of us giving things up in order to get things that are "ours".

I actually never read that one has to get rid of things to make a life together. Right now you have your stuff and he has is. Slowly any girlhood stuffed animals you might have hiding around will end up next to his Star Wars stuff and it'll all be good.

Maybe over time he'll start seeing his stuff with dollar signs all over them, and then he might sell them. Do NOT use isolditonebay, please. Please.

But one doesn't have to get rid of things during move-in in order to create a life together; that can happen with time when you both look at something at Ikea and want it, and realize that something's going to have to leave the house in order to get that in the house, and then it will happen.

True....he hasn't moved this stuff in yet. I will definitely tell him that it has to be sold before the wedding.

I seriously wouldn't do that. I mean, why?

Hubby didn't have as much stuff as your guy does, but when he moved in with me and later when I moved in with him (we had some troubles in between) we both brought ALL our stuff. Over time he realized that his collector thing was fading, and he sold quite a bit of his stuff (didn't get much money though...see above mention of isolditonebay). But it was NEVER something I insisted on; I wouldn't have felt right to do that!

I certainly know that many women do, think of the wagon wheel table scene in When Harry Met Sally (good Star Wars tie-in in that reference by the way), but I've always felt it was really really obnoxious behaviour on the part of females.

When I think about another movie, Dodgeball, when Vince Vaughn's character goes to Christine Taylor's house he finds out that she has an absolute obsession with a certain mythical creature. And if I think about them continuing with a relationship, I can't imagine it going over well if VV's character told CT's character that she had to get rid of her stuff in order for them to make a life together. Sure, she might realize that she didn't need the collection of those knickknacks in her life anymore, and she might find greater joy in spending time with VV vs just looking at the figurines, but it would be rotten of VV to insist that they be sold.

He may just be having a hard time letting go of the things he has accumulated over the years. I think that is understandable...but he will need to make some changes.

He only "needs" to make changes if you are absolutely unchangeable. There's no law.

Once DH (then BF) sulked because I cut all my hair off short. It took me a week to figure out why because I had really never heard of a guy having a problem with such a thing.

Almost any guy I've ever known likes long hair more than short hair, and would most definitely sulk. Hubby pre-sulked when I told him I had to cut my hair; I was lucky in that he ended up really liking it (he could see my neck, which he liked), but not all guys can deal with that change.

If I need it later, I can replace it.

Yes, you can always go out and grab another copy of When Harry Met Sally, or replace your old copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. But it's not the same with collectibles! Let's say he bought something for $5 10 years ago. If he sells it, he might get $50 for it. If, in 3 years he realizes that selling it was a mistake, I'll let you do the collectible math of how much it might cost you two to replace it! Selling collectibles, unless it comes from HIS heart and he is 110% ready for it, is a mistake.



And I'll leave you with this. I assume, since you didn't mention otherwise, that he has collected these things and has them out and they are touchable.

Considering yourself lucky.

My ex-boyfriend didn't have the money to be a serious collector, but many of his friends were SERIOUS collectors. One of his friends owned the jacket that Mark Hamill wore in the last scene of A New Hope AND he owned a "cylon" from Battlestar Galactica, the original one. While dating this dude I met "Uncle Owen" and the actor who "played" R2D2.

From them, I learned that you're not serious unless you buy three of everything. One to stash away to sell later on, one to keep in the box and look at it on your shelves, and one to open and play with.

Be glad you're not with one of THOSE guys.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[barkley]

On a different note, it appears your DBF likes to buy a lot of "extras". Has he been living with his parents? I'm wondering if he's going to be able to break these spending habits when you are married.

Of course, I don't presume to know your financial situation. Maybe he has the money to blow on wrestling DVDs. All I can say is that my DH had some of these spending habits when we got married we ended up going several rounds in the ring over it. (pun intended! )

this is an excellent point that should realy be considered.

i know of someone who is a MAJOR star trek enthusiest and collector. his wife married him knowing this but did not know to the degree of what he spent each month for the novels, comic books and collectors items (not even considering the cost of those conventions a few times a year). this became a MAJOR issue in their marriage and almost caused a divorce. the situation literaly came to a head when his family and friends sought professional help to hold an actual intervention during which he was shown the realities of how his pre marital/pre parental spending habits could in no way continue (he was spending over $500 per month minimum on the paperbacks/dvds and comic books).

i'm not saying your fiancee is like this but if someone has amassed what-around $12,000 in dvd's (600 x about $20 each), and has boxes upon boxes of memorabillia and comics (NOT cheap-dh has a few small items that i've purchased as gifts) he may have a hobby that either you or he will need to have a mindset change about (or come to a firm agreement regarding).


btw-the friend's intervention ended with him being put on an 'allowance' (very small) and a small room being built in his garage that had to house everything he owned-so he had to sell off quite a bit and had to get rid of stuff as he aquired more.

 

[PatsGirl]

And this is what they mean by "wedded bliss" Many, many years of compromise from you, lol.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This makes sense to me. I think overall we are doing this, but it just irritated me tonight. I don't resent anything I have given away, and I haven't given away anything that I am super attached to. I have only given up stuff I don't need. If I need it later, I can replace it. He has been great with me keeping the things I have wanted to keep.

I will keep these things in mind when dealing with this in the future.

My BIL is a collector. However he has put up shelves in the basement and everything it toted and labeled.

His collecting did curtail within the last couple of years when he started selling his stuff at flea markets.

He realized that he was not as attached to everything and is now focused on only certain things.

Like today....I am going to meet up with my sister to buy him something from a coin shop for his 40th b-day.

She is buying a metal detector and we are going to bury his gifts in the yard and he has to go find them.

 

[Laura]

I think you need to tell him to face facts--his zillion DVDs aren't going to fit in your house. I would ask him to consider selling the wrestling DVDs. I understand that he's a collector, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it also sounds like he's quite a pack rat. I have those issues; DH doesn't. He will feel more "free" once he unloads some stuff that isn't really worth much and is just taking up space. Believe me, I know.

A friend of my DH's got married a couple of years ago. He's an avid comic book collector. He had a MASSIVE collection that took up most of his space when he lived alone. He got rid of about half of it when he moved in with his then-fiancee. It's just a matter of practicality.

 

[loco4dis]

Realize that he is moving into your house, so he's trying to keep a piece of himself and his own autonomy. I went through a similar "challenge" with my husband when he moved into MY apartment. I'd let it go for now. When he gets to really feeling like it's his house, too, he'll be more flexible about cleaning some things out.

 

[Kies99]

Sorry, I have to laugh a bit at this situation (I've only read the first page so far).

This is sort of what I have with my wife. I'm a collector (okay, packrat) but we worked it out in advance of moving in together.

Our agreement was that I would get one room for all my stuff and I could do what I want with it (all my wife wanted was to make sure there was a door to it so she could close it ). I agreed that if I had that room, she could do what she wanted with the rest of the house.

This was probably the greatest thing we did with our marriage. I can have my "toys" and she can't say a thing about them. I now have my "man cave" with all my stuff and a bar.

What more could a guy ask for?

That being said, I think it would be completely reasonable for you to give him the one room and he needs to fit what he can into it. You might think it's just a minor agravation now, but it will continue to cause problems down the line. I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your fiance now and lay out your concerns, but do it in a way that you give a solution. Don't just nag on him as he'll only see it as whining.

 

[jen0610]

He needs an entire bedroom for Star Wars toys? Tell him to put his comic books and dvd's in there too. And then bow down to you for being in his life.

Just kidding but seriously, an ENTIRE bedroom for Star Wars memorbilia?? And I know I spelled that wrong. But geez, he needs to learn the art of compromise, but I'm thinking it's going to be hard to get back to that if you already gave a whole bedroom up. I'd make him keep all of it in there. And then close the door.

Not us, but my SIL - god love her:

An entire bedroom is NOTHING.....try an entire oversized 2 CAR GARAGE!!! 1/3 of the garage is comic books, the other 3/4 is SW. The garage is a seperate free standing building, that carries it's own insurance policy as well as the items inside being cataloged and insured. The amount of money put into the storage containers, display shelves - would blow your mind. And the collection of SW stuff goes back to when the original movie released. He has things that I never knew were released. So a SW fan, who has enough stuff to fill a bedroom, doesn't surprise me.

Now, the making you get rid of books, that I would have a problem with. I have well over 500 books. Walk up to any book case, take a book out and I can tell you what the store line is, who the characters are, pretty much anything you want to know about the book. I don't get rid of my book - I don't care how many times I have read them. Luckily for me, DH has a love of books that matches mine. And while he and DS collect both comics and SW items, it is no where near the size that we need another room for the display and storage of these items.

 

[Todd&Copper]

Not that I think the present situation rises to a crisis point, but it sounds like you two may have some different expectations, and being young [and it sounds like you are a bit of a people pleaser with a slow burn?] it might behoove you to go through some sort of pre-marital counseling. Just so you each know where the other is coming from, and you can both get ont he same page. Witha mediator present, so s/he can point out when either of you is being unreasonable.

 

[tink1978]

Not that I think the present situation rises to a crisis point, but it sounds like you two may have some different expectations, and being young [and it sounds like you are a bit of a people pleaser with a slow burn?] it might behoove you to go through some sort of pre-marital counseling. Just so you each know where the other is coming from, and you can both get ont he same page. Witha mediator present, so s/he can point out when either of you is being unreasonable.

We are planning on doing this. However, we actually agree on more than you think. This is actually the only issue causing any problem...and its not really a problem, just an annoyance to me. I have talked with him this morning about it. He stated that he understands my concerns and that he will not bring anything over that doesn't fit against the walls in the room and closet. He plans on selling the rest (what doesn't fit) or getting a storage unit. This definitely made me feel better about the situation. For now it is solved and I am not going to worry about it.