Am I wrong for feeling this way? Venting.

[loveshak22]

You and your mom should be upset - very upset. This person is taking advantage of you and she knows exactly what she is doing! She is fully aware that she's not paying for dinners and rent. She realizes she hasn't pulled out her checkbook to give you all any money.

If you don't mind her staying there but you want her to contribute and you want her to help with the next utility bill then I think the two of you need to sit her down when she gets home and together speak to her. Your mom should do it because it's her friend but you may help being there so that the "friend" doesn't try to take advantage of your mom by crying or changing the subject or whatever. Your support might be helpful for your mom.

Start out the conversation by acknowledging she's in a difficult situation. Acknowledge that she's having it hard. Then add that you all want to be there to help. HOWEVER...explain that you two live on a very tight income and that you all let her stay with you for a month for free and paid for her dinners for a month. Now that she's had some time to think about her future plans and get in to a better emotional state that she needs to start contributing to her share of household expenses. I'd write it all out on a piece of paper to show her - the utilities = x a month, rent = x a month, groceries = x a month. She should pay 1/3 of these costs, starting now. If she cannot afford to share then she will have to find other accomodations within 2 weeks but that she still owes X amount for the utilities and food for the last month.

Honestly if it were me I would NOT be so nice even to a friend. However, in your situation since you are trying to get her to pay money and that's more important than feeling better about kicking her butt out then I'd suggest the gentler approach above.

As others have posted - people can only take advantage of you if you let them. If she refuses to pay or leave then you have to call the cops. She's not a "friend" worth having!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[IheartMickey]

So she has other places she could stay? I would be kicking her to the curb ASAP!

Yes, we're the closest to her job. Her mother and sister are about 15 minutes from us. Her son is about 30 minutes.

 

[loveshak22]

It was my idea for her to have my bedroom. I said i slept on the sofa most of the time anyway so it didn't bother me. After a month, sometimes I just want some privacy but I don't feel like I should complain because the friend is gone for work from 8-5 and then stays with her son, mother, or sister on Saturday nights. They all live in the area.

I just saw this after I posted - she has a son, mother, and sister that live in the area??? I would talk to her ASAP about paying expenses and not feel at all sorry for her! She's got other places to go!

And again, the worst part is she's got a job and you are helping her when she's down and she's still knowingly taking advantage of you all!

You know that you are in the right and take this opportunity to stand up for yourself! It'll be hard if you're not used to being in confrontational situations but you and your mom will feel better when you stand up for yourselves.

 

[loveshak22]

Yes, we're the closest to her job. Her mother and sister are about 15 minutes from us. Her son is about 30 minutes.

So now not only is she saving on rent, utilities, and food but she's saving on gas too - this woman is a piece of work!

 

[IheartMickey]

I read all these responses to my mom and she's feeling a lot better about asking for her to contribute now. She still won't do it until she gets the utility bill though.

 

[EMom]

I read all these responses to my mom and she's feeling a lot better about asking for her to contribute now. She still won't do it until she gets the utility bill though.

Ask now. You're probably going to get stiffed anyway, but since you know the cost of 1/3 of the rent and can probably guess 1/3 of the shared food.....ask for that. Base the utilities on last month's costs, but get the money ASAP or you will not get it at all.

If she is gone, you are in a perfect position. You can hold her stuff hostage.

Seriously, I can almost guarantee you she will drag her feet getting any money to you, and that's if she pays you at all. I'd take CASH and not a check. I helped out someone needy once and they gave me a bad check. Big surprise. Then you have to pay the fees for a bounced check.

 

[POPCITY]

Call the utility company and ask if they have the amount for the upcoming bill yet. If they have already read your meter, they'll have it, and you won't need to wait for the actual bill.

 

[disykat]

Here's the thing. She's a moocher. My guess is she's not planning on paying her share of the utility bill. She will be shocked to be asked, I'm pretty sure. Either it literally hasn't occured to her to give you money or she's plain not planning to, period.

I agree with the others. Cut your losses now rather than later. The longer you wait, the more money it will cost you. Waiting for her to pay a bill you plan on presenting when it comes just means you will be out MORE money by the time that happens.

Your finanical situation is plain as day if you've said you have no money to buy food. She is ignoring it because she doesn't want to pay! I agree with the others, call her and tell her that in order to come back she has to pay her share of the previous utility bill NOW, her share of next month's rent up front, and split all other shared costs from now on.

If you're happy to have her company otherwise, tell her so! You'd enjoy having her back, but simply can't afford the extra expense of hosting her. She can come back as a temporary roommate, not as a guest.

 

[EMom]

My mother used to tell the story of a distant relative who came to mooch. She stayed with one part of the family for a few weeks, then on to another for a few weeks, then to yet another. Serial moocher.

She came to town with one quarter, it seems. Back then....in the 40s, a quarter might buy cigarettes, a magazine or two, some snack, etc. Every time someone in the family would head to town, she would ask them to buy her something, promising them she'd pay them with that phantom quarter upon their return. She never handed over the quarter......

My mother always said, "She came to town with that quarter and she went back home with that same quarter." Something tells me your moocher is cut from the same cloth and will leave with every cent she came with.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, do you really have no money for food? If you have just a little, scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, and tuna salad sandwiches are all cheap eats. And, of course, there's Ramen.

I agree with everyone else, this woman knows very well what she's doing. At the LEAST she should be buying all dinner groceries while she's there.

 

[IheartMickey]

We have some one day over expired eggs, some ramen and some pb&j. We can survive until Wednesday but barely.

 

[EMom]

I've been in the position of eating ramen and eggs when my mother and I had basically no money. It is no fun. It would have been worse if we'd had a moocher.

When I was a teen, my elderly aunt needed a place to live for a few months and she moved in with us. This is when we were as broke as broke can be. My aunt had precious little money either, but she OFFERED to contribute to all the bills. We didn't even have to ask.

Plus, she didn't take my bedroom.

 

[Robbi]

OP, get ready to be stiffed.
When I was in college in the 70s, my cousin came to stay with me because she did not get along with her dad. My phone bill came in and was huge. She had not money to pay for it, so I called my aunt. She basically said, tough. My aunt fully supported her daughter staying with me too. Needless to say, my cousin was told she was no longer welcome to live with me. At the time I lived on $200/month which had to cover rent, food, and whatever else I needed. She had not contributed one penny to food but I let her slide on that until the phone business.

 

[loveshak22]

Ask now. You're probably going to get stiffed anyway, but since you know the cost of 1/3 of the rent and can probably guess 1/3 of the shared food.....ask for that. Base the utilities on last month's costs, but get the money ASAP or you will not get it at all.

If she is gone, you are in a perfect position. You can hold her stuff hostage.

Seriously, I can almost guarantee you she will drag her feet getting any money to you, and that's if she pays you at all. I'd take CASH and not a check. I helped out someone needy once and they gave me a bad check. Big surprise. Then you have to pay the fees for a bounced check.

I bolded two parts of this post that I totally agree with!! Do not wait for the utility bill! Base your utility cost on the average bills over the last few months, assume it might go up some, and round up for the cost for 1/3. She hasn't paid any rent for a month and got free dinners. You're not asking for back rent so round up a little for expected increase in utilities and ask for it now.

And let her know that if she plans to stay she will be expected to pay a 1/3 rent, utilities, and food going further and you'd like this money in advance of next month and to include last month's 1/3 utility. Again, I'd put it on paper so she can see it. Itemize the costs, show the total, and then show what 1/3 would be.Get the money in advance if she says she wants to stay!! It sounds like you and your mom know exactly where every penny goes each month that you should know what her share would be.

Again...good luck!

 

[sonnyjane]

I agree with the others... Do NOT wait, and do NOT let her back into your home without an agreement. Don't let this turn into one of those maddening threads where someone asks for advice on a tough situation, receives excellent advice, and then won't implement it! You're first priority needs to be taking care of yourself and your mom.

 

[carrie1626]

You gave up your room for someone mooching?

I would be ticked off too.

You've done this friend a favor. Now give her a deadline.

One month should be more than enough time for that person to gain some equilibrium back into their current situation...and figure out a plan. The plan - shouldn't involve mooching.

And - in case I haven't been clear to this point - no one can take advantage of you and your mom - unless you let them.

(now - I also agree with a different poster - it is going to be far easier for us to give advice on this topic - than it will be for you to get this problem fixed.)

Tell your MOM: "either you say it or I do", Then tell said friend you're on the couch for the next week and then you have to find another place to stay. Start figuring it out now".

At this point I would be just as ticked off at my mom as I would be the friend.

 

[luvmy3]

We have some one day over expired eggs, some ramen and some pb&j. We can survive until Wednesday but barely.

I just can't believe that a friend would come into your home and take advantage of you guys when you are in that situation. She clearly doesn't care about you. If she did, she'd be bending over backwards to make sure she isn't a financial burden on you while she is there.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, its just how I see her and I'm so mad for you guys

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's afraid to say something until we get the utility bill and get the money from her for that. We know what our last bill was, so however much over that amount it is my mom is going to ask for. My mom is afraid that if she asks for any extra money now that she'll take off and leave us stuck with the extra on the utility bill.

Yes but it is better to run her off now than keep her there running up the bill & then she runs off.

 

[IheartMickey]

Thank you all for the advice. We are definitely going to do something about it.

 

[anniemae]

How long does she intend to stay? Does she think this is a permanent arrangement? She needs to have a plan, and start finding a place to live. Just out of curiosity, why didn't she go stay with her mother?